windows down
summer air moistening my skin
relieving my daily sins
or reliving...
I love driving past golden lit windows
& imagine strangers comfortably inside
soaking in what is sacred
(to them)
but at the same time...
I also imagine their demons
as I'm sure ours could dance together
under any weather
unless we sever the tether
that connects the heart to the mind
to do that I'd need more time
lessons aren't learned in a day
I'm too curious for my own good
and you know what they say
it could **** me
but it's tasty and thrills me
curiousities are my being...
curious about how the world sees me
while simultaneously
telling myself I live entirely carefree
(but that's untrue)
you're a stranger to me
and you're a stranger to you
I'm not interested enough
to be interested in loving you
learning you
I've gotta trust you...
but
I'll first trust the golden light of a stranger's home,
and until that changes,
my demons dance alone.

can't tell you openly
it's so isolating
to intimidate what intimidates you
but i power through
i'll either inspire you
or poison you
but that's up to you, too
and how you see my vibe
i can't care either way
or you'll break my stride
...again
like it always does
because either way
i actually care quite a bit
and then i'm tripping again

even while half listening
you're a predictable bore,
an open mouth sore
chew and sunflower seeds
grinding teeth until gums bleed

find your spot in the grind baby
work ethic isn't hard to find
when you're cornered and shakey

you'll fall off the ladder you're being pulled up
before you make it to the top
your un-callused fingers might be tightly gripping
but before you know it you'll be slipping
if you're lucky
you'll find a sucker on the way down
grab them and pull them with you
and then convince them to give you a crown

picking up your slack
and slapping you on their back

piggy backing is what you do best
on the flesh of those
that are desperate for a love
you'll never give them

you save that only for yourself

you know about riches
but you don't know about wealth

rotting from the inside out
the walls inside of me are bleeding out
I'm indifferent to the crimson
I've always told myself I'm content in this prison
but that isn't born from truth at all
I'm a coward with a long way yet to fall

hard to love
hard to find the time
unambitious obsessive compulsive
the small details are repulsive
reaching for anything to grab on to
under water and blue
you're always wondering what I'm up to
stop saying you want to pick at my brain
I pick at it enough on my own
sometimes I feel that if I screamed loud enough
I could burst myself into flames
passion burns brighter than most things
and winter was more than just a season
it's a state of mind that I'm ready to shake off
where there hell have I been the past three years?
I don't recognize my body
I don't recognize my mind
I'm losing track of time
but I'm on the upswing
at least, I think
I've got to swim, not sink

"this is not about you"
she said
through her fingertips
dipped in deceit---to you, at least...

we relate and turn it into reflections,
reflections only faced towards ourselves,
constantly needing protection...
opening every book in our mind's shelves
to find the source of someone else's truth...
the light isn't bouncing between other thoughts,
it's absorbing into your darkness looking for proof.
being fed & torn from your ego without crosses
unholy wars with insecurities from all losses...
laying out on golden thrones made of pride
find any excuse and picking a side.

your tactics aren't working
this is not about you.

I'm not feeling
very familiar
I've got an itch
on my brain
that moves linear
bruising on a foreign bed
tongue tied
and in my head

Memories only I remember
You had to be there
But you were gone

I want to factory reset my heart
I gotta find the hidden button
all I need is a safety pin
and no fear to commit to it

got some words
got some thoughts
sounds windy outside in bed
feels windy inside of my head
changing directions
lists of altercations
i'm tired of being inconsistent on the surface
while only ever overcompensating in my brain
everything that seems to be different
still seems the same

everything's different
but nothing has changed
just realities clashing
and life picking up the pace
I just want to see your face
but I don't want you to see mine
you'll read me too well
you'll see I'm not fine
after telling you I am
and I'm doing what I can
but I don't know how to recover from
the trust we had that was lost
I don't have the change for the cost
lend me some quarters baby
I'm a change machine
that's needing some rewiring
I don't want to need loose change anymore
I wanna be solar, baby
just need some more light on me

everything feels so heavy
right now I'm feeling spicy
and not very ******* nice
why aren't more fat chicks in magazines
show me that my stretch marks aren't weird things
so many women have a gut
and so ******* what?
I'm tired if it
being programmed to hate myself since I was a child
the only way to fight it
is to love yourself through it
the only true revolution
is with middle fingers up to it
I'm never gonna have a thigh gap and big ***** simultaneously
if you can't love or **** someone for that you're a **** *****
and you could never handle mine
**** the world
I'm gonna love this girl first
you couldn't make me feel any worse
than I make myself feel every day
I gotta look at things a different way
I've got nothing else to say
my goal is health over beauty
mentally, physically
and crawling out of this valley
beautifully
**** this misery

i have to remember the importance
in remembering what everything felt like.
maybe i am afraid of looking back on moments
and realizing we were all pretending.
maybe i'm afraid i always am.
what can define authenticity
when crushing passion turns to anxiety,
and a desire to avoid another enemy
turns to plastic gleams on plastic teeth?
rinse & repeat.

doesn't matter what my mouth says
my face has a reputation of its own
from syndromes induced
by the pressures of small town living
faces i've never seen
or haven't seen in years
people who don't know me at all
speak of me through someone else's teeth
they wear a self-placed title of unity
pinned over a flesh embroidered title
that reads
L I A R
you're not genuine enough to be my friend
but not strong enough to be my enemy

tough exteriors distorted like broken mirrors
spines don't form by breaking another's
mistakes have power to mentally stay forever
but shadows can't stop light from entering in
and i can't remove you from under my skin

so this is how it ends?
you say you hate me
....again
and then...
you wanna walk away?
you say you don't wanna be my friend
"then go"...
need reference?
i'll hold the ******* door open for you
you wanna walk away I will too
i've got scabs over scars
you always break through the tissue
but this...
and then...
so that...
the fact is i could never get angry
you'd silence me with your own
i could narrate you like a documentary :
observe now,
as he breaks me down...
got a lot on your mind?
swallow it now
I'm spitting fire on your *******
it's time for me to get rightfully hot
you want me to be patient still?
....I'm ******* not

triggered at the expense of expression
life cruelly trying to teach you a lesson
about what's worth something or anything to you
in regards to your feelings or someone new's

nostalgic
for the honest ****
bathroom floors in friend's apartments
ten dollar bleach kits
orange tint
drinks and joints lit
feeling it now
drunk and confessing my sorrows
high anxiety
because
things come back and bite you if you're not careful
be aware of what you confide in strangers
and
I'm telling myself constantly
to appreciate my privacy
because I always get stuck regretting
the minute after letting someone in
and
back then
it was so easy
the early and mid 20s
lucy changed me
molly made it carefree
while maryjane remains centering
I wonder what you're wondering
are you wondering about me?
no one has ever wanted to know
why it's hard to love me
they only want to know why it wasn't easy
and then leave
some days it's still lonely
pity party planner of one, no need for an RSVP
I know it's only me
in my head, sort of drowning
wandering antique stores, buying stranger's found things
there's magic in the history, sadness in the poetry
rust and broken seams
take my heart strings
pluck them from me
I'd like you to try harder to please me
gotta turn off these ******* feelings first
I forget where this is going

you wanna move on
i will too
watch you walk away
hold my breath til i turn blue
i don't wanna feel alive
until you cross behind the moon
i told you i loved to you the stars
told you we were two hearts in tune
you held my hand and agreed
you said being with me felt free
so i'll hold my breath
i don't wanna feel alive
not until you're out of sight
i don't wanna feel alive
not until you see the wrong
in what you think is right

What you think you know
You don't
Keep on disturbing your peace
Every time you think of me

you're not entitled to my time
because you ask for it
you can't **** my creativity dry
because you thirst for it...
I'm not a product on a shelf,
I'm not a diva over-involved with herself...
I'm an artist,
I'm an old soul,
and that alone can take its toll...
because I've got patience that is dwindling
surrounded by entitlement that is sickening
and how dare you assume I owe you anything
when there's details you're ******* missing
you don't know a thing about me
so you fill in the silence with your vanity
as if I choose to give you all of my energy
when you're the force that is stripping me
I owe you nothing
and never once asked you for an apology
because I know I'd never get it
I'm just trying to ******* forget it

so what happens now
when there are craters
on my lines drawn in the sand..
i knew you'd cross them eventually
arrive and conspire punctually
i'd like to tell you to get a grip girl
i'd like to tell you to ******* girl

And just like that.
Your heart's resident stops paying rent and moves on.
And yet they remain there still,
kick up their feet,
and get comfortable.
Lock themselves
in the farthest room away
that you can't reach the handle of.
I wish you'd show yourself the door
now that I know
you're not going to come back knocking.

self-medicating
they say not to believe everything you think
go for a walk, they say
your depression can't make you sink too deep
you're stronger than you think
and I ******* know it
but my legs broken
and stuck in drying cement
I lost sight long ago
of where my happiness went
and it's damaging
it's not rewarding
self-medicating
another beer, another bowl
another tear, another stroke
wearing the same thing every day
and people wanna talk about it like it's funny
emma doesn't wanna change her clothes
must be because she likes to smoke
don't ask me if I'm okay
I won't answer honestly anyway
and you don't wanna know
so just tell me a joke
you've got an easy yolk
full gas tank, but I'm broke
I'd drive myself away from me forever if it was easier
only taking pit stops to touch the sky to please her
I know what I want
I've got dreams & ideas,
I could take that shot...
but it's easier to lay here
wondering when it's gonna get better
when I'm gonna free the inner me & meet her
wasting time in this darkness
losing my drive to channel it out
writing about it to water it down
stings less when it's drowning in something weaker
still wasting time begging to myself to free her
talking in third person doesn't seem crazy
with your third eye open ...
glands and spirituality ...
why it's seen as magical
is beyond me
but I dig the vibe still
whether or not it's real
keep it that way, is what they always say
keep it real, & that's how you'll feel
tell me what they say
about when it's gonna heal
because this **** is getting old
I'm catching up & losing time
with a bruising soul
I need the darkness
to give me back my self-control

cryptic ****
that only you'd get
you're not really here anyway

you told me it's like
i have sparks in my head
i told you i liked
the way i felt in your bed
but choices are choices
and they're mine alone
it's not about feeling small comforts
it's about feeling at home

finally on the upswing
here you come a' ringing
******* chiming
you made sure it was on snapchat
so it's hidden
old ****** tension still glistening
while she's in the next room sleeping
what kind of man have you become
you said we're done
and we are so done
I'm not gonna scratch that itch  
and although I'm not gonna snitch
I hope someday she sees
that she's loving a little *****
a trash man, baby
you're no man for me, shady

almost started to chase after you
glad that moment found the exit turn
just like a flash
kind of like how you entered
and ****, I was was so well sheltered
I sometimes wish
you would have kept walking the day we fell in
creeping across my brain
you can't be touched by asprin
you're a headache wrapped in a heartache
and I'm ******* tired of laying awake
you're way ahead of me and I'm tripping
I've got broken toenails from all your breaks in the concrete
in cement sealed secrets we left between the sheets
in between a smoke break and a beer
hot sauce dripping on black leather
you had books but no bookshelf
said you'd rather build one for cheaper
and that was ******* ****
sawdust coated
steal toed footing
tobacco dipping
still ******* tripping
losing my footing
where was I going...
shut the ******* door behind you as you go
better yet
I'll hold it open for you while telling myself "I told you so!"
you're always ******* with me
I see it and it remains unseen
I'm country boy weak

I'm as trendy as I'll ever be
I'm learning that trying too hard just gets me cranky
and I'm tired of being so ******* angry
caught up in **** that doesn't matter lately
wondering when I'll fall into more crazy
old flames never leave my mind

seems fitting
your name starts
with what is known as the beginning
but ends with an x
like you put over my face
in every memory
like forgery
write me off
because soon enough
i'll stop missing you

For the past two years, my depression has been slithering across my brain like a snake in the grass. Like a bug I can't squish. Like a smudge I can't clean off completely, no matter how much I scratch, scrub, or scrape. I'm a realist with an imagination. I know what's happening in my brain. I recognize my triggers, my bad influences, and the surroundings in which I exist that contribute directly to my unhappiness. But what good does knowing do me? The snake started slithering again. I can know the chemical imbalances... but what good does knowing them do me? I have the chemical symbols tattooed on my forearms to remind me, since I was 20. I'm tired of these tattoos, too, if I'm being honest. They don't help like they used to. I want to cover them up. I've always loved butterflies. Maybe I'll do that. I wish I cared enough, to be able to hate them enough, to then have the drive necessary to save the money, make the appointment, and get them covered up. I keep feeling my desires to once again reinvent myself bubbling up from the very depths of me, but when it comes up, I stare at my desire in the face, and I turn & run away from it and curl up inside of the shell of myself.

The snake started slithering again.
I feel it across my brain...
I know it so well,
I've given it a name.
I want to forget it,
but it all stays the same.

You talk up and down about healing
but all you're doing is hiding
behind your own shadows and shame
life is but a game
float gently down the stream

living in nostalgia filled wanderings
& a guilt that creeps under my skin in agony
what grand expressions
could ever take that **** away?
it's a part of me, it's a tick in me
not capable of going away...

but it can be accepted
or stay rejected
and infected
and directed to attack
only when I want my old self back

and

I could give honest explanations
to the people that deserve them
but so much time has passed
I understand why they wouldn't want one
because I wouldn't want one either...
I'm already convinced that you're the sinner
and I'm not a saint who knows you better
but I wouldn't have done what you did to me, either...

and

I'm lonely
I know I make myself that way
I shake it off every night
and wake up to it every day

I'm not afraid of my demons,
they look like yours,
only this time I can see them...
they move in the shadows
that I formed myself to free them

the older i get the more things there are to miss and it becomes harder every year, i wonder how to balance, i wonder how to find peace, i wonder how to be okay with things that are gone but you never wanted to leave, i wonder when i'm about to experience change, because change scares me unless it brings me to art, but my art hurts me when i see it lately and i'm not sure what to do but continue this ongoing sentence until i find a good stopping point...........................................................i­ think i found it

i'm not feeling very familiar
i've got an itch on my brain that moves linear
got myself tongue tied in my head
got myself bruising from springs on a foreign bed

I wonder how you see it
six going on seven
I don't need you to understand
I never did
I was always me
and of course I've got my regrets
I leave them in my memory box
covered in sepia illustrations of butterflies

You've got me
on a roller coaster of emotions
And such is life
but
I wanna feel my feet on ground

I feel anxious right now
and unromantic
is that a word?
I could google it but I don't care that much
apathetic and it's my curse and crutch
time has me tripping
keeps going faster while I'm spinning
I normally try to be more clever
but I'm feeling a bit more anxious than ever
**** isn't helping like it usually does
I'm aching from the inside out
I want to feel better
I want to feel cleaner
I want to be better
I want to be leaner
of course
who doesn't
I'm stress eating and I wish I wasn't
I wanna feel ******* ****
even if I'm a little more squishy
call me baby and make me crazy
my hips can still swing
I can still make you sing ******* soprano
if that's what I'm feeling
and when I'm honest like this in poems
it makes me nervous as if I need to share it
because I can't keep my creations secret
maybe it's because attention is a drug and I need it
but maybe I just like creating something only to rid it
from the pits of me
open the windows of my ribcage and set it free
maybe stick out a ******* if it's hurting me
but most things I create are meant for healing me
from what's causing agony
anyway
I'm not sure where to wrap up thoughts like these
I'm watching Sunset Blvd. on the tv
black and white soothes me
like a wicked dream

if one more A-cup
tells me to let my **** be free
I'm gonna scream

Sometimes, I still view relationships in adulthood as if I were a kid. It's important to enjoy playing together, otherwise, we will just argue and not have fun when we try to. So why push it? Better to accept we aren't good at playing together & stay out of each other's business.

I'm breaking my own heart
every single day
I hate myself in so many unfair ways
I've gotta take it easy
I wish friends stayed friends
I wish it were easier
everything gets in the way
and cliques are ******* lame
I just want some ******* love
but I'm a space case every single day
I'm cold and distance and will push you away
friend or foe
but some day I'm gonna thank my stubbornness
for keeping me ******* alive
I'm ready to thrive
just wanna drive
down every open country road
take away something from the old
find a way in to something with the new
maybe with you
but probably alone
baby I've got the blues

if you really knew me that well, you'd be telling people you don't know me very well

fake girls
that fake friend it
I'd rather you treat me like ****
call me out on it
at least I know you're an honest *****
I'm okay with it
I've got my faults,
a lot of them
I'd rather you call me out
than keep faking it
you're making it
hard to make friends
hard to keep friends
hard to be a friend
what's next then?
forget we don't speak anymore
until we have mutual friends
then try to explain
we just lost touch
plastic beginnings
silent ends
the start and finish
of more fake friends

a wild woman inside
I seem to keep being reminded
it's not shocking that you're nervous
it feels isolating if I'm being honest
i'll be opened
and then I'll seal it
but tell me about your gut feelin'
I can't help it I'm a runner
but you already know that I'm a sucker
you've got me feelin' my feels out on you
& your threads sound dope
you tell me you've got hope
in me
in my vibe
through circuts and waves
****
what a ******* way to behave
show me your years
i've got mine numbered with irrational fears
you can see them in my palms
it's my turn to my nervous

bustling and hustling
foot cramps and comforting
the rest of them, they've got things to say
they're in pain
I'm straining my brick wall back
bending over backwards and picking up slack
ears and empathy being filled up
problems of people I don't ******* know
in and out, after digested through bile
I'm quiet and smile, I've got nothing to show
but it's dark here in the real
can't trust the new
fresh and crispy and glaring teeth
what's on their mind is on mine too
machine minds puncturing plastic grips and tags
add ribs or structure for fake ******* velvet
all these false prophets and gossips, I need a helmet
rip off the gutter gaurds, it doesn't do ****
we're swimming in the gutter already
feeling that spinal shudder, loving your sin
and I kind of want in
but who has the time for opening
my feelings aren't really functioning
but I feel you
I wanna grab hold of my boldness
I feel like reading me is like hieroglyphics
crytpic and frustrating as **** unless you ******* get it
but that takes time
and a comfort that doesn't exist as mine
I need to reclaim the wonders of my grime
I've got a soreness all over me like a walking bruise
putting out doesn't get misused
unless you're putting in
the ******* work
and sure
you could read it differently
but where this is even going is a mystery too
nothing really here for you to sink your teeth into
I want a life filter like a bruise
dreamy blues and purple hues
feeling like **** fits the vibes
everyone around me seems to have a tribe
and I'm wandering and lost, which is okay, I know it
those in the shadows don't need to be told to find the light
because light exists on at least one side even still
it's about a balance and a will
this **** isn't real

What we hate in others we often hate first within ourselves. Projections get old and the light eventually burns out. Face the darkness, let it die.

posting something isn't professing something yet we treat it like they're all just short confessionals
not everything is so vague, sometimes things are exactly what they seem
meaning nothing
so chill out

the dark thoughts are creeping in and i know my spirit's equilibrium has been set off slightly, and i'm not entirely sure how to proceed from here. only way is through, of course, as that's the only way out. what more can i bring you the table if that table keeps moving farther away from you?

short lived passion with boys
that cut their lips on their own words
cracking mouths and cracking voices
cracking knuckles and cracking backs

stimulated, unmedicated,
always diving into the void.

also known (to me) as my own brain...
its got its own lane.

made of cobblestone,
maybe some concrete,
sometimes it's nothing but one way streets.

sinning in every direction,
seeing every location,
but I'm always just visiting.

it's been a long journey.
every wrong turn is a discovery.
every right turn,
a fight against misery.

but I'm always just visiting.
always left wondering.
I'm looming with inconsistency.
loving me isn't easy.
nothing like sunday morning.