you sneak out from my skin
my spine
why try to cover up
what is going to soon pour out
you've got my strings ******* in knots

no memory stays fresh forever
saturation floods away
and pixels replace your pores
but they form roots in my spine
and justification for my irrational fears
become harder to reach

i can't fight you off
and you can't forget your roots

talking ****
about who's the most authentic
overly obsessed
with aesthetics
only interested
in what someone can offer them
only interested
in what they can gain
it's all the **** same
and I'm so ******* bored
been here so many times before
give me the honest ****
make me almost afraid of it
do no harm but take no ****
that's my aesthetic
but my ego gets in the way too
my shame gets me in trouble
gives me these moody ******* blues
can't help but bring it out on you sometimes
and I say **** I don't mean
I'm a hypocrite cause I just wanna feel seen
and heard
like everyone else
imposter syndrome makes me feel pathetic
what the **** even is aesthetic
just roll with it
get the **** over it

summer is lonely
without direction
and I'm ******
I prefer living in the shadows
and imagining dreamy tones
lost on auto pilot
foggy days
time is a concept that has gone away
but I still feel like I have something to say
nothing comes out or up anyway
but maybe that's okay
for just a few more days

you're not a saint
but keep beating that dead animal like you are
bring it back to life
put those strings on the limbs
make it dance
dance for your world
that you're still so desperate to impress
dance for your pride
dance for your ego
dance for yourself
that's all we ever were doing
spinning in circles around your sensitivities
spinning in circles around what i was doing wrong
i'm hearing a ringing in my head
echoes of your tantrums
when you couldn't respond
only cross your arms
and fall into yourself
where you danced in your self pity
danced in your despair
i'm not the composer of your songs
you're singing to yourself baby
and you have been all along

wanna be adored
while simultaneously ignored
want you to be obsessed
and repress
all that emotion boy
don't show me a thing
show me everything
tell me your dreams
tell me **** that stings
you got it
i don't want it
and i've gotta have it

Today when I was driving home from work
I saw a raccoon licking it's broken leg in the middle of the road
It was raining
I started immediately crying
No one was going to see it where they would soon be driving
I went back out later in the evening
and avoided going down the same road
because I didn't know what I'd be seeing if I did
now I'm back home eating
thinking it was just a raccoon
but that **** was really sad too
a better person would have saved it
but I'm not a worse person for not
I'm sorry little raccoon

Small memories that make my chest ache.
I'm still working to identify why some of them do.
Maybe they don't need to be defined or recognized.
That's okay, too.
I imagine them being insignificant from an outside perspective... seen as mere moments passing, sights only slightly seen in between other *******.
Queue flashback.
Burn cruising down residential streets, Lana Del Rey's song "Ride" and everything else on that **** mix cd, late autumn, my "old but new" golden SUV making the first tracks in freshly fallen snow... foggy eyes... ******... alone... but it's okay, I enjoy my company.
Desperate for something bigger than myself... beyond myself.
Queue flashback.
My old bedroom.
My parent's driveway, sneakily smoking a midnight bowl and coming back inside with frosty fingers ready to make more art.
A little buffer, you know?
A lot more simple of a life among all the drama, the past lovers, the drugs, the adventures.
Queue flashback.
The sunlight on my skin on a country road looking for abandoned houses with my friends.
Passing around a joint and screaming along to the same songs over and over again.
Finding magic within decaying walls and gravels roads.
Being set free when I'm creating for me.
I see my art as something beyond a hobby, because it's a deep part of me.
It's nostalgia wrapped up in between the sheets of my empathy, apathy, and curiosity.
Nostalgia is my addiction... it's dancing with some ******* friction.
My partners are the past and my reality in a surreal scene.
I create my lovers and they create me.

my eyes don't bat
with your heels on my back
i keep a straight face
when blades take ribs' place
walk over and on
i've heard a similar song

pull from my spine all the grudges i can't get rid of
i wish for your memories of me
to remain only with gold ties along their edges
but there's damage in your lips and mine
but once there was love instead
where tears drip over and strangers meet
please pull from my heart all the memories i can't forget
my toes are attached with weights
at the bottom of the ocean of your bloodstream
and i can't find a way to cut the strings
pull from my eyes all the intangible images i can't burn
the images i can't rip in half and set flying into the night sky
pull your skin's memory from my fingerprints
erase erase erase erase erase erase erase

reflections aren't my body
reflections are made up of that which is weightless,
on surfaces of those which are limitless.
heavy. heavy. heavy.
do you argue with a car window?
you see reflections blinking back at you
because your eyes are salty and they burn,
and since blinking & burning feels better than breaking down,
you don't argue.
you continue to blink or you look away
and it still feels the same.
aren't you sick of this ******* game?
how you look into these reflections can shift,
just as windows bleed and blur after they grow older.
let your heart get softer
don't let your heart get colder.

those chances you wish you'd taken
wish I woulda been bolder
less cold-
-er, is that possible for me to do?
I've got walls made of iron and ice
and I never thought twice
that it'd leave me swimming
regret pools up in lost chances
lost moments of boldness
lost moments of warmness
could have experienced your soul
could have hurt myself when I saw it was foul
didn't even let myself find out
didn't even let ourselves melt down
into each other
maybe we could have another
maybe it's all lost in blurry summers
maybe I gotta get over myself
feeling like you'd still give a ****
why do I even give a ****,
cause I wanna feel good?
or because now I would
could
should
have

I like listening to albums
when the artist was at their saddest
cut me open again
I glisten in it too
I just wish I could stop being so angry all the time
and see the art in it all like I did back then
I already know the direction you're going
I don't think there's room for my growing there
but I want to be anywhere but here
I feel like I'm thousands of miles away from you
even in the same room
I'm the distant lover you've never wanted
and here you are
wanting me
I like your attitude
***** grips
**** talking past *******
retro vibes echoing under bridges
frost bite on my eyelids
**** I'm tired of feeling so ******* cold
you're gonna blister and burn if you kiss me again
combine my passion with a lack of attention
I'm gonna confuse you and let you down
everything that's ever been
has only been broken
fragments seen again in the small moments
where it all reminds me of everything all over again
nostalgia is a drug and my hibernation den
and I've been trying to write all ******* night
I keep trailing off
thinking about smeared eyeliner and chapped lips
your hands gripping my hips
it's a good time until you can't get me there
I want you here
I just like to feel you inside
I'll take myself on the ride
if you're there to drive
just don't ask me where we're going
I see your soul showing
mine's still hiding
and I'm a sucker for your charms
I like how I feel when I'm in your arms
but I wanna feel that way in my own first
hard to do when I'm dying of thirst
for a little heat in my chest again
or at the least some ******* condensation
melt me down a little more
see what all the old heartbreaks were for
what else do I have to lose

Despite my
darkness and
perceived sadness
I'm actually pretty fun
to joke around with
And laugh with
And smile with
I survive
Through my expressions of darkness
Because it makes the darkness
productive
and not
destructive
I am happy
And strong
And have been
all along
:)

touch my skin
use your fingerprints as bullets
i want to become the beautiful thing that you are

so afraid of being rejected
you're acting cooler than everyone you see attractive
as if that's going to make someone see
something special they crave for romancing
do you want someone to grovel?
egos give only push
and no pull...
I'm not looking to get high
off of you
get on my level
and get high on your truth
show me what inspires you
and I'll show you, too

unlearning
to not be jealous
I wanna be happy for your success
I wanna have your back
I want you to have mine
unlearning
to not assume your attitude
unlearning
to not assume that you're assuming mine
unlearning
after learning cruelty all this time
I'm not competing
I'm daydreaming
I'm generally unphased
I go my own way
I’m happy for you, girl
go take on the world

when I'm falling in
I get addicted
like sin I can't stop comitting
and ask myself for forgiveness
and say i'm quitting
every time
as if I honestly believe
it will not happen again,
but I know how I am with men...
I need all of you,
borderlining
on possibly devouring you
can't be less than creepy
I inject you under my skin
willingly
I like to feel itchy
want you to scratch me
got that craving
for your attention
your affection
for everything else I purposely don't mention
because I'm passive aggressive
and a little slow motion
while moving in too quick
enough to make me feel sick
because
romance makes me feeling like dying
but
enough to make me want it,
all or nothing

where did I come from
and what built me
the trees and unfamiliarity
uncertainty and anxiety
strength and witnessing the laboring
from those before me
nowadays there's always some article about something new that's ruining me
allegedly
and everybody else that's lonely
these ******* don't even know me
situational out of context diagnoses for free
drugs and bars and nothing
what's pleasurable anymore
we're teaching each other that it's nothing
instead of looking for the silver linings
might take me a little more digging
but I know I'm still trying
craving a lover who knows how to be loving
but I should probably learn how to be too
I'm nostalgic for when I was younger
cause back then we kept that **** alive
keeping it real while romanticizing everything all the ******* time
& these changing seasons give me flashbacks to memories that are only mine
I'm not sure if the others remember
I'm not sure if they were seeing the same sights
of the chipping paint on the side of the house in golden streetlights
the smoke from our cigarettes indoors clouding my eyes
I still think about you all the time
and everybody ******* else
scrapbook sheets stained and unclean make my brain melt
I'm tired of wondering if you're still hanging on
I'd rather know if you've moved on
but I suppose the silence says it all
you always said I could call
I don't know what I'd say if I did

there's high expectations
I feel rather tragic
may I join you in space?
a synonym for magic
is fascination
I want that curiosity
I want that passion...
(I like my rhyming
slightly off beat,
interrupted,
...gives it heat)
but you'd probably have to hear me say it
(& that's a feat that takes a vision)
I need more inspiration...
I've got high expectations...
for you,
for me,
for everyone I meet,
constantly let down is no way to think
& I'm tired of me...
drowning in curiosity...
of illusions, mainly...

I get so caught up in being a mystery
I forget there’s power in vulnerability
but I’m not here to empower weak men
if they don’t challenge me positively
I will only destroy them,
and swallow whole, on toasted bread
If they can’t empower or inspire me back,
I’m gone, I’m bored, eyes all black
I’m so done giving time I can’t get back

i can feel unfamiliar eyes burning holes through my back, filling in blank spaces with assumptions on how my character can/should be defined. foundation to assumptions should never be the words coming only from one direction, as different sides can still exist from the same

we've all got something,
an old feeling we're chasing...
vivid memories cling to me
persons, places, and things
I know they only matter to me
like crisp night bike rides down dimly lit residential streets
but I want to share them.
remember them.
make someone feel something
like I did
all those nights ago...
feels like re-watching my favorite show...
or I don't know
it's nostalgia baby
I'm the nostalgia lady
the overwhelming abstract familiarity
of something you once knew...
when I get those nostalgic scents
I feel it, doesn't matter what it is
bus engine exhaust reminds me of when my heart was still his.
condensation on coke bottles remind me of the cold floor
the cracked door
the drunk 20-somethings, such a bore...
when I was in middle school
I used to write the hockey player's jersey numbers
on my hands and notebooks when I thought they were cute
some people would catch on, they got real rude
back the ******* dude  
why are you looking
I'd pretend it was my lucky number
that it was only coincidence
I'd say, you better not tell him
they always did
fourteen years old, I couldn't tell you what love was
don't know if even I could now
some days I think I just might hate you
being wrapped up in your delusions is gonna break you
think you're too far gone for them to make you better
and I just keep thinking about other ****...
why do I think life would be easier if I was skinnier?
what a ******* trainwreck...
nostalgia for lighter days,
I'm high for days on end...
I can't pretend I'm on the mend to make you feel better
anxiety says the old me feels best, but I want to forget her
I'm tripping on expectations of future lovers
as if I've already met them
I'd like to call them my future canker sores
after the crash and burn we'll be gargling salt water
turn and spit
repeat and pick up where we left off when we get bored
scars are scores
I'll just get high to Lana
act like I don't give a **** about your new lover
in some new poem about how you ****** me up for good

picking at my skin
ingrained in me like old medicine...
the old soul within me is breaking

it's without trying
that I'm inspired
by short sparks of adoration rewired

I'm a plague
sweeping through your soul's streets
I'm a curse
you taste when my lips & yours meet

but I want you to love me deeply
it stings every time
when you don't tell me you miss me
wish I could get under your skin enough
even if it's only to make you feel frisky

and then where can I run to?
certainly it can't be you...
I move with the shadows,
not away from them
I dance with the demons,
not stray from them

I want to form an entity
that's part of my identity...
that follows your movements
like a haunting...

think of me
in darkness, in black
bury me
and haunt me back

past exteriors and your fingerprints that cover them

and it isn't fair
you lie for comfort
lie for this weekend's new girl
she isn't your world
though i bet she believes she will be forever
for tonight only she's your universe
and you told me i was your light
at the center of what you're spinning through
and i tell you
i can't trust you
you wonder why
why?
you're a lie
now let me show you my music
that you think you're too cool to hear
let me show you my music
let me show you my dance
this little star is done shining here
reflecting off your moons
that spin in the wrong directions
eclipsing over truth can only last so long
in no time at all
your little planets you keep easily in your reach
aren't going to survive
without your star to shine for you
i'm not your warmth
i never was
you were a winter
and i've been in your shadow all along

bond over alcohol
why can't we bond over our breathes
and the steps
we take
that go in the same direction
the steps we take
that may not make sense
because i want to bond
over what makes my heart soar
not what kind of alcohol will get me more *****
because i'm not that kind of girl
you can't take me on a whirl
i'd get too dizzy anyway
projectile ***** on your already ***** sheets
because i don't want to be a puzzle
i'm not something you need to figure out
to fix and put together, i'm not getting better
i'm me and that's what you need to see
but you see my big hair
short dresses with long legs
and you wonder
what they would feel like wrapped around yours
so you want to bond over alcohol
yeah, i'll take your free shot
but then i'm gone to look at the stars
cause unless they're in your eyes
that's the only thing i what i want to make love to

guilt isn't something that sticks
it's something that follows

Wish I was a little more present
Wish I was a little more kind
Wish my brain didn’t move so fast
Wish you weren’t on my mind

I worry sometimes
I'm never going to be over losing you...
you were my girl first,
everyone knows that's true...
and that sounds elementary,
but I don't have time to worry
about how I sound to everyone else
lies are what broke it apart anyway...

& what harm will being real do
rather than being fake
& why do I miss someone
who believed a ******* snake...
over me...
(the snake that so easily
wedged itself in-between...)

& looking back doesn't do any good, either...
who I used to be is lost in a grudge, help me free her...

I tell myself every passing year
a real friend wouldn't let ******* in a single ear...
and lie to my face when I see it in her...
ring the bell, we've got a ******* winner,
of the longest trail of ******* ever laid...
I started out saying I miss you,
but I'm glad you never stayed.
what a shame.

ghosts inside of my head
i want them dead
there is no need for this balancing act
my tempest
my stormy sea of a heart
you're the captain of my vessels
you flow through me
but you make me bleed
it hurts to think about you
the frost on your windows
traveled to a new one
warped glass and chipping
I keep getting caught and start bleeding
it hurts to want you
I'm tired of wanting you
I'm tired of wishing you'd want me too
I'm tired of you
I could fall asleep easier
without you tip-toeing across my brainwaves
barely walking
but floating
my chest hurts, I feel so blue
you say I'm powerful
but I never am when it comes to you

you don't keep things very steady
but I'm feeling you and it's heavy
I've got a recluse vibe
but you dig me
you've got a twisted mind
and I wannna dig deep...
who needs ******* sleep?
cause I wanna bleed these sheets
((with whatever comes next
two bleeding hearts for romance
has gotta mean hot ***))
with only inspiration...
because passion creates feelings
creates paths that are freeing
creates monsters and tingling
creates goosebumps and scream queens
((and I like your ***** jeans,
I'm saying so much more
than what that means,
***** jeans :
adventures that aren't clean))
biting my lip isn't helping
biting my tongue is ******* annoying
((biting you wouldn't be boring))
I'm sometimes a sick kind of *****
take a breath before you sink in me

you can't touch what burns
from the inside out
you'll only blister and bleed
i'm not what you need

begging you to thrill me
because I'm getting bored
no energy to even the score
want you to pull me into a whirlwind
make me spin
touch my skin
feel me like I’m feelin’ you
dance with me under the moon
what game are you playing anymore
if you know you're always going to win
crack the whip
feel it click
make a slit
and start giving a ****

getting mad about making sacrifices
that no one asked you to make
always keeping track of exactly what you give
and never what you take

can't help but feel a little bit like a failure
even though I know better
the struggle makes you humble
if it doesn't,
open your eyes wider
overwhelmingly inspired
with too little energy
I've lost the identity
of everything I am mourning
it's a melting *** of sickness
I want to feel less
I want to be more
I've been ****** for so long
that being sober feels like a high
my bad mood killer
my void filler
last night I took a drive around my home town
I drove past every house I've ever had memories in
sort of a crazy behavior
but I'm addicted to the nostalgia within each one
if only I could locate the time frame
in which I stopped being honest with myself
but knowing that won't change the past
starting over is terrifying
I just want something that lasts
longer than my attention span
I want attention and affection
from a real ******* man
who isn't afraid of me
but doesn't scare me either
I know my worth
I have to free her
I have to be her
I need a breather
pass a joint my way

Our northern winter bled on for so long
the green of spring still feels like a hallucination
I'm addicted to the smell and the nostalgia rushing
I'm willingly taking the next dose
getting eye level with the soil
and snorting it up my nose
Because I want to feel this way forever
I want to feel an eternal spring
but isn't the point of winter
to feel what the ending brings?

those days that you're stuck in your skull
thoughts so full
horns of a bull
skin peeling and I still can't get that feeling
that high isn't worth everything it seems
a couple years have passed
still haven't been filled up
why would I want to be
and hey
everyone who goes downtown gets lost anyway
if I feel like my heart is bleeding
doesn't that make the alcohol sting me more
what a ****** cold press on every **** emotional sore
good rhyme, girl
you've got flow now
can't stop ******* picking
peeling and screaming
but i've got a smile on my face and you think i'm fine
i've got a smile on my face and i'm drowning in this **** wine
more whine
angry and divine
****** and bored
what am i talking about to you and you and you
and him
what about him
leave him out of this
keep him in on this
i'm stuck cracking knuckles
addicted to making my knees buckle
gimme that fear and loathing
i'm drowning in it
i'm drowning in it

I keep writing in my journal
"remember why you came here"
now it's all my mind hears
sometimes you can't go
until you're sent
whatever that meant
and I'm tired
wish I didn't get so bored by you
wish I didn't get so indoors with you
I know you'd like it if I was more in tune
with you
and wanna do what you wanna do
I'm a liar in my ways
but honest in how I spend my days
I'm not looking for a fix
I'm not wondering if we're a good mix
because we won't be
right when we think we are
the clouds in my eyes are covering the stars
can't get high enough to see how far
I could run
but where's the fun
in not facing my own fears?
that's what brought me to art in the first place
being afraid with nowhere to claim as my own space
so I found it and defined it
wish I could slow it all down and rewind it
I miss my friends
even the ones who treated me like ****
I miss my lovers
even the ones who made love not worth it
but maybe what I'm really missing
isn't a time, a person, but a feeling
and now I'm constantly searching
for a way out of the darkness I found myself
dancing in it instead of drowning in it
is the only way to keep up my mental health
remember why you came here
remember to keep your head clear

i've got paper cuts from every passing chapter
i belong to no one
and no one belongs to me
i see it as feeling free
with something still missing
and with what do we fill these painful voids?
we fill our emptiness with the presently absent soul of another
both moving through the different passing energies with one another
while sharing secrets and our softest skin
sharing feelings and inspirations and visions within
and then when the void finally overflows and heals
why do so many people then walk away?

it comes in waves. i creep into old habits after i taste the nostalgia. chasing down thoughts after triggers doesn't taste as sweet as deju vu does, and i'm finding myself absent from my current reality. i'm stuck spiraling in visions and past versions of myself that i don't recognize as ever holding truth, but they do, and did. i'm simultaneously trying too hard and not trying at all.

it's not the same
the crawling across my brain
it's darker this time
more than it was before
it's slower moving now
with a much darker score
I can't find the direction
I'm a sore soul searching
running through barbed wire
I want to shed this skin and set it on fire
or just re-wire
find a way back to "start"
where the breathing isn't heavy
and there's no weight on my heart
I'm screaming through art
that not many people read
it's okay
it's not something I need
I'm not translating
I'm bleeding

i am a pro
at not being able to know
what “too much information” is

when it's mid-beat
i'll make your mind take a seat

i'm artist turned narcisstic
so what i've got to say
i think it's gonna make you wonder the same
i usually think it's gonna save your day

but what is too much information
and why do i have to measure it for you
why do you want all of my information handed over to you
and in which format this information is measured,
i haven't got a single clue.
when the digital screen reads "uncomfortable"?
when the red arrow reaches "too"?

too much information is a concept i may not know,
but i know what i don't want to give you.
my time isn't measured like your information
gotta wonder why my time being observed on your time too

so, yeah, i've got information.
but not a single dose for you
i've got heart and i've got time

i can never have too much
because i don't have enough
all while never knowing
who even gives a ****

you wanna hear me complain ?
doubt it
i don't want to hear you
i get it
i'm vain
what else do you want me to say
i don't have fancy word play
but i still have things to say
and ideas to marinate in your brain

meet me half-way

they say it's only human to feel this way
like that is supposed to make me feel less afraid

a n x i e t y
fangs baring teeth
f o r g e t t i n g me
fangs sink in deep
...and I miss sleep
**** counting sheep
they're here already
keeping conformity steady
waste of my time, baby
show me what you're made of, shady

i'll take a brief moment to forget, baby
that you're acting real ******* shady
to remind you : i'm a ******* lady

so let's drive
rewind

let's pause so you can get me a little wet
let's pause to let you kiss my neck
but make sure it's a little messy
cause that's how this ball has been rolling lately
**** stops when i feel a control on me
hold on me
a fold for me

whether you're trying to or not, baby
you've got a hold on me, shady

you've got a game you're playing
and i know you know it
humility isn't reality
when you don't know how to show it

dropping lines and favors that hit
cry a little and bleed for me like it ain't ****

but you'd probably like that
so you have a reason to stop self-decaying

you're a sociopath in training
forgive me for complaining

stretch out your cyber muscles
keyboard teeth forming lip sores
don't you ever get ******* bored?

i am feeling restless and unwell
i am feeling less mess and more similar to hell
hearing the bell isn't making me take a seat
i'm tired of talking out of my *** to everyone i meet
like i have something to say from my lips
most assume it's all just in my hips
but it's in my hands and it's in my heart
it's in my brain and it comes out in my art

broken blossoms,
songs of sirens...
melting me into darkness
where control is a substance
I'm desperate to ingest it
spiritually conjure it
or some ****
I've got a lump in my throat
but I'm what's being swallowed
by walls closing in
lining the shell of myself

still got me
tongue tying me
me lying to me

i'm walking a tightrope

it started as a beam
until i realized i no longer dream
there are no more bursts
there are no more flames
there's a shakiness in my voice
but it still sounds the same

i wonder some days if you'll come back

i know most days you never will

rotting from the inside out
the walls inside of me are bleeding out
I'm indifferent to the crimson
I've always told myself I'm content in this prison
but that isn't born from truth at all
I'm a coward with a long way yet to fall