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Apr 3 · 23
guilt
Emma Katka Apr 3
I keep guilt on me
like a first aid kit at the bottom of a drawstring.
and instead of healing,
I make my own wounds worse.
I want to bring something else there first...
but my shame always beats me to the punch...
apathetically indifferent,
thinking too much...
the most passionate affairs burn up the quickest.
ours was a fever dream, & you were the sickest...
letting you go took a heavy dose of misery,
I've got scar tissue like thick sheets across my psyche.
and it still isn't easy...
my misery keeps finding miserable company.
the farthest thing away from inspiring...
I'd be more ready to move on
if I could just stop moving positions...
but my legs keep falling asleep,
and I'm not good with significant transitions...
but everything in life moves so ******* fast,
no one cares that you knew me in my past
you don't know me in my present.
thinking too much, apathetically indifferent...
and **** your good intentions, I knew you had none
there's never been two people here, only one.
I'm tired of carrying guilt for two
I've got so many other things to do
Mar 27 · 29
strapped
Emma Katka Mar 27
water rings collecting
from the condensation of my beers on your end table
no air conditioning, summer sweating
water rings reflecting
in the glow from rope lights draped across your ceiling
I remembered every single moment from that night for nine years
and it's those small moments
you tell yourself you'll never forget
so you study every shadow
every sight, every dusty beam of light
but time passes and you still end up forgetting
when you never thought you could
you just keep getting buried
but I'll take whatever I can get
I'm glad I had my camera strapped around my neck
it's how I trapped those memories for only me
back then it was for love
now it's for tragedy
good intentions are fleeting
because in mere moments passing
they're already transforming
you're the cat making biscuits out of my brain matter
years ******* later
Mar 10 · 118
Untitled
Emma Katka Mar 10
I’m not always in a state of tragedy, my art helps take it out of me. Perhaps it’s bittersweet to not always resemble what you create on the surface. I think it just means you have to dig a little deeper. Vulnerability is laboring.
Feb 7 · 53
Untitled
Emma Katka Feb 7
first real love ****
the memories are always distorted
the longer time moves on
and the more time that passes
the more I see everything different
I see images like water flowing over a window pane
sometimes I wish it wasn't so blurry
just like these photos
taken in reflections of a greyhound's windows & ceilings  
it was so cold outside, even for January
I was with someone I loved
but even back then it was blurry
we went to Chicago on an overnight bus
left from Minneapolis on an adventure for us
he took me places
and I took him
he was my gps always leading me somewhere new
a few months later
he left at different stop while I kept riding
I soaked the denim of my mother's jeans
as I cried into her knees
it's been ten years and I think I'm still wandering
melting down ice with my fingertips on windows
following the blurred lights
and while I know I'll never love you again
I'll always love you back then
Feb 1 · 49
vintage
Emma Katka Feb 1
I chase after melancholy
like a toxic lover I'm begging to stay
by the time I'm back drowning in it
I just want it to go back away...
what a beautiful melody
a symophony of strings playing just for me
bittersweetly...
I carry shame with me like a pocket knife
scar tissue forms no matter how lightly you're cutting
insecurity and jealousy is damaging
I want you to need me
while I don't need anything...
are you waiting for me to write a poem about you?
I'm waiting for too much way too soon...
I don't get nearly as lost as I used to,
just a little confused
everyone else remembers details I never want to
youthful while longing for my youth
if I'm an old soul
I'm a pair of vintage dark blues
freying hems just add to the character
but I'm a little too broken in
so wear me down gently
Jan 28 · 162
Untitled
Emma Katka Jan 28
What we hate in others we often hate first within ourselves. Projections get old and the light eventually burns out. Face the darkness, let it die.
Jan 21 · 44
Untitled
Emma Katka Jan 21
I used to want to live alone more than anything else. It was one of my greatest desires for so many years. Presently, I’ve been living alone for almost two years and I love it. However, during moments of vulnerability, whether I’m sick, experiencing depression lows, or struggling with my anxiety, I always find myself wishing for a friendly or familiar face to pop in my doorway and say hello or just ask how I’m feeling and then pop back out again. I find myself wishing I wasn’t alone more often, even just wishing for the noises of someone else’s presence in the next room, to know someone is near that I know and trust like when I was living with my family. My entire life I’ve been introverted, soaking up my alone time like a sponge and relishing in it. My bedrooms have always been my small spaces of sanctuary for art, expression, meditation. My entire home has become that for me now. I’m so in love with the space I’ve created for myself and I don’t want to disrupt it, but I am always alone now. Maybe I’m not sure what it is I’m craving. I’m working on identifying it every day. I feel so unfulfilled. I used to think I was unsocial, but I think I’m just quiet and reserved. I love to observe and reflect. I love to exist quietly next to people who don’t poke at me for entertainment or answers, but rather just enjoy my company and I enjoy theirs. I’m grateful for friends and acquaintances who enjoy being quiet with me. (And I have them, y’all know who you are, I love you). I think I just miss PEOPLE. Introverted tendencies aside, I have also always been someone who enjoys connecting with others, going out and making new acquaintances, and then going home to enjoy my alone time and recharge. 2020 has made me feel even more disconnected from other humans than ever before. Scrolling social media contributes to my anxiety and panic attacks. When I think about going out and being social outside of my safe spaces (home and work), I feel like I’m going to throw up from anxiety. Imagining someone new to come into my home makes me afraid of that vulnerability. Such a strange feeling to simultaneously desire & fear human connection and vulnerability. I’ve been pushing myself into a dark realm of loneliness for so long now. I’ve isolated myself away from people who try to connect because of insecurities and fear of vulnerability. Fear of being hurt. Fear of letting someone down. I think I’ve let a lot of people down over the years. Guilt is a poison that takes control in small but volatile ways. Guilt and insecure has pushed me back into the shell of myself time and time again. The shell gets old. The shell gets lonely. The shell needs a window or a door, no one knows where to knock anymore.
Jan 2 · 47
Untitled
Emma Katka Jan 2
When I was young
everyone’s house had a signature scent
I’m not sure where time went since then
but nostalgia can still be conjured up so easily
whether it’s from chlorine pools or beef jerky
crisp winter air can make me feel heavy
mixed with stale cigarettes and a chevy
heavy exhaust, oil leaks, rusting
lime chips and PlayStation 3, losing
telling the gas station clerk my boyfriend dumped me
high off fumes of my own misery
it sure liked your company
but I kept things moving
I remember the fresh snowfall on dimly lit streets, burn cruising
cigarette stains on callused fingers catching on the fabric of my jeans
secondhand smoke still smells good to me
depending on what you’re smoking
I want to forget so many feelings
and relive so many more
nostalgia is so thick lately that it’s seeping into my pores
I miss too much
And not enough
I’m not good at showing love
Dec 2020 · 40
Untitled
Emma Katka Dec 2020
Exuding light still from inside of me
Although small, it is but mighty
My icy exteriors make more room for assuming
I’ve got a heart that’s still beating
Looking for answers & looking for meaning
Dec 2020 · 50
Untitled
Emma Katka Dec 2020
join me in space
we're getting high on expectations
and lost causes
crushing up dried roses
that I've kept after all this time
and no one knows this
or what the roses really mean
if you think know, you know nothing
it just exists for me
and I want to keep floating
in-between misery and day dreams
I feel safer in the fantasy
of delusion meeting hope for something
for anything
Dec 2020 · 33
2016
Emma Katka Dec 2020
I've been patient since day one
I let you in on my **** since the first run
I was on my knees
I confessed I had to leave
I left claw marks on your back
that bleed through and showed
how hard it was to let you ******* go
Nov 2020 · 71
Untitled
Emma Katka Nov 2020
They’ll play the villain you keep painting them as if you’re not careful...
Oct 2020 · 52
tables
Emma Katka Oct 2020
They call it it attention deficit
if feels like the ******* opposite
I'm paying too close attention to all of it
and I want you to be good to me
I'm not sure exactly what it is I'm craving
I’m so tired of being villainized
in so many people’s stories
I’m tired of the manipulations of reality
for someone else’s personal glory
your life must be pretty boring
And I get it, living is trouble
and the trouble of it all is living
what someone channels their passion into is telling
and I want to be good to you
but I'm tired, too...
And I know
the other trouble of living
is everything dying
The trouble about knowing the truth
is knowing who is lying
but why do I care what you think about me?
I wish that would just die peacefully
I'm filled with burnt out vessels of energy
thoughts of you, and everyone, harboring
bringing in nothing
I want to feel like I bring something
to the tables I sit at
but lately
I feel like I'm feeling nothing at all
Oct 2020 · 42
pools
Emma Katka Oct 2020
it's so hard to not get caught up
from a swift kick of theatrics to the lip
I'm up quick & ready to hit
my heart racing underneath my ribs
my defense mechanisms are instantly steaming
and going full spead ahead until they're beaming
when really I just wish it would all stop...
I feel like I'm wading in a tide pool of good intentions
until someone's wrong ideas pull me back out
and suddenly I'm drowning
worrying
pathetically
about my reputation or clout
in the end, it's **** that doesn't matter
it's **** that isn't real
because
when you die people won't remember everything you did
they'll remember how you made them feel
Oct 2020 · 255
Untitled
Emma Katka Oct 2020
old routines are still familiar
like church services every Sunday morning
praise team practice early
the warm sun walking through the parking lot on me
and afterwards getting out as fast as I can
I just hated the lingering
but I was on that stage every Sunday singing
if I could move the elderly in the front rows
my ego was pleased
let's worship jesus on our knees
I never did bend down
Sep 2020 · 172
Untitled
Emma Katka Sep 2020
this armor is becoming quite heavy
my flesh is rusted chainmail that cuts me
from your view I'm a stormy sea
but I'm calm on the other side of me
Sep 2020 · 244
Untitled
Emma Katka Sep 2020
Love me not
I’d rather rot
Aug 2020 · 57
"artsy girl" kink
Emma Katka Aug 2020
misguided intentions
prevent a moment to pause & think
are you really that interested
or is it an artsy girl kink

because I want to be (and am) more
than a bucket list ****
I've got plenty of loose stitching
and strings of bad luck

intimidating to most,
while intimidated the least
I want my own ******* cake
with a five course feast

easy to romanticize
even harder to shake off
but the easiest to leave
when I've always been a mirage

I want plenty,
and nothing .
I need no one,
and loving.
Jul 2020 · 76
Untitled
Emma Katka Jul 2020
you told me it's like
i have sparks in my head
i told you i liked
the way i felt in your bed
but choices are choices
and they're mine alone
it's not about feeling small comforts
it's about feeling at home
Jun 2020 · 64
first
Emma Katka Jun 2020
toxic fumes exuding neater
chapped lips and sterling silver
my love is a broken heater
frosted tips on a heart breaker
balancing ledges over trenches on a gold digger
lighting the match but not pulling the trigger
so get into the depths of it if you're thirsty
I'm on the opposite end of the first me
but lessons aren't always learned pretty...
then in comes symmetry, deja vu city
the mirror glass keeps getting *****
golden hour rear window views are blinding
lost in nostalgic melodies while crying
it's all so overwhelming sometimes...
but I love the melancholy;
if I could, I'd mix it right in to my coffee
I want to re-learn a little vulnerability,
but that always tastes bittersweet
May 2020 · 70
Untitled
Emma Katka May 2020
hidden fragments
so far buried beneath my skin
I wanna go back to the when...
the day I met my sin
I wish I could rid you from my skin
you're imprinted deeper than any ink
a tattoo I can't remove without losing limbs
the memories block me from everything
I wish I could win against them
I wish I could find a way to face them
and bury them somewhere else...
I keep trying to bury them in art
and it just keeps getting darker
distance from those years
makes it even colder still
drowning in shades of purples and blues
pretty like a bruise
Apr 2020 · 88
Chasing Butterflies
Emma Katka Apr 2020
When I was young, my bedroom was butterfly themed. My mom painted white butterflies on my lilac colored walls. The color matched so well with my mesh butterfly lamp, butterfly picture frames, and butterfly bedspread full of colors of greens, yellow, purples & pinks. My dad has always said it's like I'm chasing butterflies in my head. Having been diagnosed ADD some time ago, this makes a little bit of comical sense. And although I have grown out of, or into, many things from my childhood, I'm definitely still chasing butterflies, same as always.
Apr 2020 · 54
Untitled
Emma Katka Apr 2020
cracking cold achy knuckles
always happens when I'm nervous
**** your tenderness
Apr 2020 · 71
Untitled
Emma Katka Apr 2020
**** your expectations & entitlement
to my tenderness & vulnerability
to desire does not mean you will receive
you already made the choice to leave
the first ******* two, three times...
I’m no longer on the other line.
hang the **** up
don’t try a twelfth, thirteenth time
I’m doing just fine
Apr 2020 · 86
Untitled
Emma Katka Apr 2020
Pandemic levels of confusion
I wanna go back to when it made sense
Apr 2020 · 96
Untitled
Emma Katka Apr 2020
you are making roots in my chest
that burst through my brain
you drive me insane
Mar 2020 · 61
cruise
Emma Katka Mar 2020
there's solace from everything
in blasting nostalgic melodies on a solo drive
these endless connecting grids have helped me survive
time and time again
I continue to run away...
and I always picture the same road whenever I hear this song
I wonder what you're doing
I still wonder what really went wrong
turn up the volume, this road is long...
to no surprise
you were right ******* there
and you always ******* are
nostalgia floods me of that same road in my old car
and I don't even remember the sound of your voice anymore
sometimes I really wish I did
sometimes I really miss it when you were my friend
sometimes I really miss you as my lover too
but things will continue on to their death to re-bloom
and I will too.
because time has passed & I've forgotten the feel of you  
and that's more than okay
what the **** does missing do anyway?
cuts me open again
and with my spills I finger paint
a little dark and ***** is how I still play
waiting for lightning in the pouring rain
gotta stay entertained through the misery someway...
it feels like ecstasy on my skin
purge, pour out, and soak in
Feb 2020 · 138
Untitled
Emma Katka Feb 2020
I dance with all my demons
But they’ve got no rhythm
Feb 2020 · 279
Untitled
Emma Katka Feb 2020
you're like a papercut
a quick slice with a week long burn  
I wonder what you're like
when you're not pretending
Feb 2020 · 70
Untitled
Emma Katka Feb 2020
Spent so much time
being angry at you for leaving
I didn’t realize how much sadness
I’ve been carrying ever since
and I know
I’m so bad at staying consistent
vulnerability doesn’t come easy to me anymore
I feel weak
whenever I let down a wall
open a window
or a door
and
no one ever really gets in
if they do, it’s right before they’re leaving
because time and time again I’m shown
that I’m only here to change a man’s life
not stay in it
thirsty for me to inspire it
to mystify it
to entertain ****
help you see what you’re worth
dig into your layers running deeper than the earth’s
I’m not here to be a muse
without reciprocation of inspiration infused
don’t tell me I’m interesting
and then never ask me anything
I want someone to dig into my layers
like I dig into theirs
but
everyone only stays on the surface
they want to observe me
lay within me
take my vibe in without any hassle
my roots are just as important as my petals
you make it to my soil and you want a medal
that’s something I just don’t have time for
Regardless
I still never wanted you to leave
but I know I make it easy
I want to feel safe enough
to warm up to someone
eventually
Dec 2019 · 126
sad in love
Emma Katka Dec 2019
problem solving a cryptic
different limbs
warmer, but not quite
textured and scarred
hollowed out and barred
hard to decipher
through all my icy layers
hard to get me to warm up
I want you, but not enough
committing is too tough
disappointing men is my hidden talent
I'm inconsistent
inconclusive
desperately secretive, secretly desperate
to be loved the right way
to love the same way
to trust the hands that hold my heart
for the hidden parts of me I show in my art
to be paired with a free-flowing counterpart
but I am ambivalent about everything
it feels like there's no way of escaping
I want a grand gesture
but I want to be left alone
I want to make art all the time
while listening to the saddest songs I know
it hurts
so ******* good though
I want someone who understands it
and drinks it all in as I pour it
and doesn't choke or sink into the floor with it
I know I'm icy, I'm cryptic
and playing up the part that I'm not a romantic
because if I'm being honest
I'm a lover
and I don't think I was ever yours
cause I didn't want to be just another
I didn't want to be your mother
your therapist, your ***
I felt like a hidden world being left undiscovered
toxic qualities can adapt into healthy lessons learned
but only if you're careful...
my melancholy isn't here to be used for bonding
I don't want to talk in circles
about how we're both sad and longing
lift me up and I'll lift you
keep shining baby and I'll shine back at you
I don't want to be sad in love
Dec 2019 · 133
Untitled
Emma Katka Dec 2019
I create dream worlds in my head,
an extension of inner self that’s hard to get,
I haven’t seen her face yet
Oct 2019 · 450
Untitled
Emma Katka Oct 2019
I get so caught up in being a mystery
I forget there’s power in vulnerability
but I’m not here to empower weak men
if they don’t challenge me positively
I will only destroy them,
and swallow whole, on toasted bread
If they can’t empower or inspire me back,
I’m gone, I’m bored, eyes all black
I’m so done giving time I can’t get back
Sep 2019 · 90
Untitled
Emma Katka Sep 2019
Ingrained in me, stuck with me.
The darkness never really leaves.
It hides until it starts to bleed.
An old friend returning dramatically.
Traumatically.
Bold as can be.
The company longed for by misery.
I’ve become less afraid of it lately.
It’s hiding.
The sun is shining.
I can make it out to the other side fine then.
Just keep finding the light.
Aug 2019 · 122
Untitled
Emma Katka Aug 2019
I never wanted your hands on me anyway
You haunt me still in so many ways
Jun 2019 · 13
Untitled
Emma Katka Jun 2019
and here's the thing
I don't give a ****
about what you think I might have said about you
over five years ago
in coversations that were once private
with someone who doesn't **** with me anymore
leave the drama at the door
stop keeping score
Jun 2019 · 176
Untitled
Emma Katka Jun 2019
my memories exist
like cinematic moments
of excellence
of sadness
of beauty
of cruelty
in my mind
all the time
I remember every shadow
every shade of blue
I remember you
I still feel you
I've told you my brain is always busy
I mean it and it's exhausting
I'm stoic and vague
distracted like it's a plague
I've been wearing the same old flannel  
for three ******* weeks straight
I want to be good
I want to feel good
damaged goods
but I'm good
May 2019 · 266
Untitled
Emma Katka May 2019
rotting from the inside out
the walls inside of me are bleeding out
I'm indifferent to the crimson
I've always told myself I'm content in this prison
but that isn't born from truth at all
I'm a coward with a long way yet to fall
Apr 2019 · 267
Untitled
Emma Katka Apr 2019
hard to love
hard to find the time
unambitious obsessive compulsive
the small details are repulsive
reaching for anything to grab on to
under water and blue
you're always wondering what I'm up to
stop saying you want to pick at my brain
I pick at it enough on my own
sometimes I feel that if I screamed loud enough
I could burst myself into flames
passion burns brighter than most things
and winter was more than just a season
it's a state of mind that I'm ready to shake off
where there hell have I been the past three years?
I don't recognize my body
I don't recognize my mind
I'm losing track of time
but I'm on the upswing
at least, I think
I've got to swim, not sink
Mar 2019 · 2.9k
aesthetic
Emma Katka Mar 2019
talking ****
about who's the most authentic
overly obsessed
with aesthetics
only interested
in what someone can offer them
only interested
in what they can gain
it's all the **** same
and I'm so ******* bored
been here so many times before
give me the honest ****
make me almost afraid of it
do no harm but take no ****
that's my aesthetic
but my ego gets in the way too
my shame gets me in trouble
gives me these moody ******* blues
can't help but bring it out on you sometimes
and I say **** I don't mean
I'm a hypocrite cause I just wanna feel seen
and heard
like everyone else
imposter syndrome makes me feel pathetic
what the **** even is aesthetic
just roll with it
get the **** over it
Mar 2019 · 229
Untitled
Emma Katka Mar 2019
I'm breaking my own heart
every single day
I hate myself in so many unfair ways
I've gotta take it easy
I wish friends stayed friends
I wish it were easier
everything gets in the way
and cliques are ******* lame
I just want some ******* love
but I'm a space case every single day
I'm cold and distance and will push you away
friend or foe
but some day I'm gonna thank my stubbornness
for keeping me ******* alive
I'm ready to thrive
just wanna drive
down every open country road
take away something from the old
find a way in to something with the new
maybe with you
but probably alone
baby I've got the blues
Mar 2019 · 201
Untitled
Emma Katka Mar 2019
nostalgic
for the honest ****
bathroom floors in friend's apartments
ten dollar bleach kits
orange tint
drinks and joints lit
feeling it now
drunk and confessing my sorrows
high anxiety
because
things come back and bite you if you're not careful
be aware of what you confide in strangers
and
I'm telling myself constantly
to appreciate my privacy
because I always get stuck regretting
the minute after letting someone in
and
back then
it was so easy
the early and mid 20s
lucy changed me
molly made it carefree
while maryjane remains centering
I wonder what you're wondering
are you wondering about me?
no one has ever wanted to know
why it's hard to love me
they only want to know why it wasn't easy
and then leave
some days it's still lonely
pity party planner of one, no need for an RSVP
I know it's only me
in my head, sort of drowning
wandering antique stores, buying stranger's found things
there's magic in the history, sadness in the poetry
rust and broken seams
take my heart strings
pluck them from me
I'd like you to try harder to please me
gotta turn off these ******* feelings first
I forget where this is going
Feb 2019 · 191
Untitled
Emma Katka Feb 2019
stimulated, unmedicated,
always diving into the void.

also known (to me) as my own brain...
its got its own lane.

made of cobblestone,
maybe some concrete,
sometimes it's nothing but one way streets.

sinning in every direction,
seeing every location,
but I'm always just visiting.

it's been a long journey.
every wrong turn is a discovery.
every right turn,
a fight against misery.

but I'm always just visiting.
always left wondering.
I'm looming with inconsistency.
loving me isn't easy.
nothing like sunday morning.
Jan 2019 · 199
Untitled
Emma Katka Jan 2019
never not reminded of my old flames
nostalgia creeps into my brain so many different ways
thinking about warmer days
I've got notebooks filling up their pages
and another past life fades into the background noise
my brain is so busy
feels my talent is being slept on
but everyone feels similarly
everything is so ******* poetic it's overwhelming
but inspiration isn't self sustaining
you've gotta keep that **** alive
and answer when it ******* calls
I have to stop pressing ignore
I have to stop keeping score
I'm capable of so much more
I don't have time for much of anything else
I'm sleeping in on myself
Jan 2019 · 244
heavy
Emma Katka Jan 2019
everything feels so heavy
right now I'm feeling spicy
and not very ******* nice
why aren't more fat chicks in magazines
show me that my stretch marks aren't weird things
so many women have a gut
and so ******* what?
I'm tired if it
being programmed to hate myself since I was a child
the only way to fight it
is to love yourself through it
the only true revolution
is with middle fingers up to it
I'm never gonna have a thigh gap and big ***** simultaneously
if you can't love or **** someone for that you're a **** *****
and you could never handle mine
**** the world
I'm gonna love this girl first
you couldn't make me feel any worse
than I make myself feel every day
I gotta look at things a different way
I've got nothing else to say
my goal is health over beauty
mentally, physically
and crawling out of this valley
beautifully
**** this misery
Jan 2019 · 563
grips
Emma Katka Jan 2019
I like listening to albums
when the artist was at their saddest
cut me open again
I glisten in it too
I just wish I could stop being so angry all the time
and see the art in it all like I did back then
I already know the direction you're going
I don't think there's room for my growing there
but I want to be anywhere but here
I feel like I'm thousands of miles away from you
even in the same room
I'm the distant lover you've never wanted
and here you are
wanting me
I like your attitude
***** grips
**** talking past *******
retro vibes echoing under bridges
frost bite on my eyelids
**** I'm tired of feeling so ******* cold
you're gonna blister and burn if you kiss me again
combine my passion with a lack of attention
I'm gonna confuse you and let you down
everything that's ever been
has only been broken
fragments seen again in the small moments
where it all reminds me of everything all over again
nostalgia is a drug and my hibernation den
and I've been trying to write all ******* night
I keep trailing off
thinking about smeared eyeliner and chapped lips
your hands gripping my hips
it's a good time until you can't get me there
I want you here
I just like to feel you inside
I'll take myself on the ride
if you're there to drive
just don't ask me where we're going
I see your soul showing
mine's still hiding
and I'm a sucker for your charms
I like how I feel when I'm in your arms
but I wanna feel that way in my own first
hard to do when I'm dying of thirst
for a little heat in my chest again
or at the least some ******* condensation
melt me down a little more
see what all the old heartbreaks were for
what else do I have to lose
Jan 2019 · 131
Untitled
Emma Katka Jan 2019
brain won't stop spinning
must be all the sins I'm committing
you've been on my mind all day
want you kiss me again and again
wide eyed
I admire your ambition
give me a fire in my chest
you're a catch 22
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