stimulated, unmedicated,
always diving into the void.

also known (to me) as my own brain...
its got its own lane.

made of cobblestone,
maybe some concrete,
sometimes it's nothing but one way streets.

sinning in every direction,
seeing every location,
but I'm always just visiting.

it's been a long journey.
every wrong turn is a discovery.
every right turn,
a fight against misery.

but I'm always just visiting.
always left wondering.
I'm looming with inconsistency.
loving me isn't easy.
nothing like sunday morning.

you're like a song that's stuck in my head,
but I don't know the words
craving that bliss kiss that I miss
that grit **** I wanna hit
you're rough around the edges
& I liked how your hand's calluses
curved gently around my crevices
(& I'm not one to say I miss you
but I'll say that it's true
while still wanting to tell you
to go **** yourself)
cause I'm not over how you left,
but I'm taking the road traveled less
which involves all my forgiveness
all while usure if I am so bold yet
you're a song I can't forget...
I could find the right words to my memories
but I guess I like you best as a melody
like the one we sang together on your couch
your velvet voice in my ear
kissed & graced by your mouth
I'll remember that night for a while
I knew then how much I dug your style
and I know
I'm stretching this **** for miles
I get it
I'm a loose floorboard in your projects
that burned for you like a comet

I want to know
what's on your mind...
because I like to pretend
that you were once mine...
I know
it's probably untrue
and I know
I probably mean less to you
I wanna be ******* over it
loving you feels like ****
I didn't ask for this
get a grip
you're on a trip
if you're moving on that quick
and I'm not trying to get too poetic
I want to express this ****
and ******* forget it
I'm a little extra
and you're dramatic

years of lessons that don't stick
scabs that ******* itch
why bother scratching
why open that **** back up again
what do I even have to give?
you're busy with expectations
I'm busy dodging them
so ******* afraid to be honest
and waste my time on that nonsense
patterns come and go
most times they start real slow
and I'm lost before I know it
stuck going in circles
can't ******* stop spinning
in-between the motions and I feel sick
not even getting ****
not even sure I want it
wondering why it's even worth it
can't get pleasure for ****
maybe I'm a little bitter about it
my hand does more than your mouth can
looking for too much in a man
all you do is talk
all I do is walk away
not thrilling me enough to stay
so what the **** am I upset about anyway

honest art
that's what I wanna see
from you
from me
expectations are high
(hell, so am I)
want to be as big as my dreams
wanna flow out my creativity like a stream
make you feel like I'm make believe
(but it's only in isolation that can be acheived)
want everyone to distantly respect me
(and I wonder why I'm ******* lonely?)
I'm a contradiction
consistent and willingly
but most times without thinking...
these new lights are blinding
(not when I'm driving)
(but **** lately has been slick)
crying gets old quick
but it sure feels good
and I don't cry enough
I get told I should ...
more more more
bored bored bored

it feels like it was all synthetic
honesty doesn't exist without substance
or substances in my reality
grind it up and smoke it to settle my anxiety
back then I was more of a ******* party
sky dancing with mary and lucy
absolutely
how could I not be
not sure if I learned what it means to be a friend at that party
or the one after that
it's as if I want to hit rock bottom
give this misery I'm feeling a little more meaning
communicating it to the people around me isn't happening
why am I so afraid to say it clearly...
that I'm not happy
I can't concentrate on ****
they call it attention deficit
and I just wanna get it
but I'm chasing butterflies
and forgetting about it
I'm tired of being so cynical,
thinking everything is a cliche
I've made myself this way
spending too much time alone
same ****
do ****
remember why you came here
pick up your broom *****
be a bad witch

it isn't fair I feel a need
to shield the eyes
(that for years I haven't seen)
from my skin that's stretched out a little more
than what they were used to seeing before
and ******* if you've got **** to say
ups and downs are my body's way
of reacting to the tides
got my womanly figure struttin where I move
I really don't have anything else to prove

never not reminded of my old flames
nostalgia creeps into my brain so many different ways
thinking about warmer days
I've got notebooks filling up their pages
and another past life fades into the background noise
my brain is so busy
feels my talent is being slept on
but everyone feels similarly
everything is so ******* poetic it's overwhelming
but inspiration isn't self sustaining
you've gotta keep that **** alive
and answer when it ******* calls
I have to stop pressing ignore
I have to stop keeping score
I'm capable of so much more
I don't have time for much of anything else
I'm sleeping in on myself

powerful needs powerful
not a mouthful
plant me with a kiss
make it something I'll actually miss
because I'm not looking for bliss
you can't miss that, you dream that
maybe I want something aggressive
you know, that I can handle
can you handle that?
I'm always gritting my teeth
I'm tired of playing make believe
gotta do more than dream
and try to be something
and I hate it
I can't focus my thoughts
maybe I've got it all wrong
I don't write poetry for advice
but people still drop in
and I wonder if you even get it
how anyone even could
get me
and I wonder
if this season is really gonna change me
or if it's just rearranging me
until I start cumbling back into the shell of me
like I always do
I prefer running away from people like you
and you don't wanna see me the way I need to see you
in places other than my head
in my bed
in everything backwards and ahead
in nostalgia soaked car rides
to back home where it doesn't feel like home
going back to where I'm known
for a few different reasons
maybe for being a *****
maybe for old self seasons
it wasn't me
could have been the ectasy
little dolphin pill
castaway thrill
sights that **** and pierce me with a new type of sound
that you feel in your thighbones
the feeling of your tongue going down
on me
similar to ecstasy
coming down now
I've got ideas pouring out all around
and my hands only work so fast
my reality demands my most valuable time
I could be spending trying to make a dime from this ****
creating and destroying it
the minute I set it free for you to read
this **** isn't to impress you
it's to cleanse me
and to scream
because my head is getting cramped
revamped
every day

of all the things you overthink
let it be me this time
I wanna saturate your brain waves
even if only in black and white
dreamy inversions that make you think twice
because sometimes I do...
lost wondering if I fell in love with you...
the city is lonely tonight
and I'm feeling brave
while nothing feels right
I'm afraid of leaving my shell
I'm afraid of emotional hells
and everything else unwell
& I hate what you've done to me
I feel like a cheap thrill
while you stare at me with your looks that ****
I've never been so angry
as I was that night I thought you ignored me
because I jump the gun ***
and you know it
that's why you chose to ******* run
and I don't blame you at all
deciding my worth to you is not my call
and I wouldn't want it to be anyway
speaking what I really think
is the wrong thing to say...
I'm a little on the downside
meet me on the south side

I want so badly to reclaim my youth
without it being vicariously through
someone like you
but rather, a past self
or maybe just a current state...
I wish I could come clean
or just clear the slate...
I've got a bug crawling across my brain
it makes me feel like ****
the other day I took a quiz
wondering
if I had sociopathic tendancies
I think it was just a break in my sanity
and wanting to put blame on anything
because the world doesn't owe me a thing
I'm stuck in the past

you've got me on the edge of my seat
every cyber vibration gives me that leap
& your cyber vibrations are ******* neat
I bet your lips taste sweet
(maybe that's eager to say
I'll keep it real & will anyway)
but with a hint of ash
let's go out strapped for cash
I don't need much
creation is my crutch
you know inspiration is priceless
finding it in you is one of my many vices
it's a romance in the wires
igniting small fires
rewiring my dials
confidential files
& in between all the miles
you're giving me smiles

wondering if I'm breaking through to rock bottom yet
but I think I just gotta get used to it
time has changed me and it's moving fast
lot of good women with a lot of bad pasts
gotta look past my own if I wanna last...
and drop that victim ****!
this is how life is...
pushing against the current,
wondering if it's worth it...
I've got an anchor on my ankles,
a voice in an empty vessel...
spiraling seas,
of thoughts, maybe voices...
victim **** is victimless,
until you're victim to their cringe-worthy-ness...
and I get you're under some sort of stress,
the darkness is what treats you best...
but everyone dances in the shadows
you're not rolling in this **** solo

i've got two shadows, though
the one that stays with me
and the one that you keep

learning to hold the hand
of all my darkness
i am not afraid to feel pain
i am not afraid to lose light.
after all,
the sun always rises
with every mourning

I can feel words burning holes into my back.

you are no holier than I am
and your shadows were always the darkest.
forgiving you is like kissing death's sultress...
and I'm dancing in your darkness,
have been for quite some time,
but I've grown dizzy and am forming blisters
on my skin where lips did once reside...
and you'll never grow tired of being alone
so let me knock you from your thrown
wear your burdens on your back like I do my own
there isn't anything here to save

on the journey of finding light while pushing through the dark, i sometimes will forget the importance of that stillness

you're like a warm blanket
that just came out of the dryer
don't cool down any time soon
I want to hold on a little longer
cause I miss you when you're not around
and I hate knowing that feeling is foreign to you
you deserve to know
all the good things you bring and do

vivid memories
burn cruising
lost, stuck wondering
iced over heart, defrosting
every weekend, wandering
finding a new abandoned house to thrill me
finding a new way to create that freed me
I'm still searching
always learning

I am hollowed.
However,
the nice thing
about things that are hollow :
they can be filled back up.

so many women say
they wish they could shave their heads completely
I think it's cause we feel it'd be freeing
there's gotta be a deeper meaning
but I won't get into it
I'm running from the reality I'm being smacked with
I don't feel free, like me, at all
wish I had someone to ******* talk to
or just someone at all
someone new, someone not as toxic as you
I wish I had a different door to walk through
or smash through
look in the mirror... do I even know you?
time is ticking and you've gotta pull through...
do you ever feel pieces of your personality being taken from you?
I find myself hating people the most
when they remind me of myself
or, at least the dark parts
the parts that hurt other people blindly
the same parts of others that have hurt me
I'm tired of co-dependency
I don't think I'm as lonely as I claim to be
I think I'm thirsty for being alone with me

talk to me like I'm daft
I'm suffering in my craft
my perception peaks off the charts
(if you think I'm not noticing
I promise you it's an art)
a skill I didn't ask for
I feel intention before verbs
I hear the voice before words
sometimes but rarely I will see I was wrong
only if you're singing a similar song
that you were never taught
and you feel alone a lot...
I get it, I do too
surrounded by people lining every wall in the room
I'm still a vessel in a sea
of people I'll never let in to know me
because of fear, maybe
I can't think about it too much or I'll go crazy

had a manic week
almost peaked
jumped the gun
made a stupid run
into the ground
ignored the sounds of my morals
dug into my shins like ocean corals
I just wanted to feel free
even momentarily
instead it was paralyzing
guilt tripping and bullshitting
there's no way to get around reality
when it's the anchor around your feet
I want to discover a new side to myself
and find a way to meet her
I've never fallen to your feet before
I want to learn to stay planted on my own two
without wrapping my arms around you
to hold me up
fill my cup
that you take sips from
I'm rusting around the bottom edges
I don't know romance without fringes
I don't myself without rusty hinges
I'm a door that won't open
unless you find an alternative route
and by the time you get there
I'm burned up and turned to soot
I'm sorry I'm not around

the disappointment of loving
always thirsty for the beginning
always avoiding the ending
even when I know it's time
even when their body feels foreign next to mine
I don't have any more energy to fight
but at least I'm not alone tonight

must be pure bliss in your world
no regard for anyone while you twirl
I wish I could throw you off your axis
wish I could throw you wider than your mouth is
smiling while you're *******
about something new that's annoying
while you leech on to the naive and what they're giving
you've got the knife for my back on a clip in your boot
you're ready to strike and I'm ready to lose
fighting you isn't worth it
bullheaded beyond reason and it makes me sick
you make me ******* sick
you're the worst type of person to know
you're the worst person I know

fragile eyes tell no lies
look in mine and hear what it is i'm not saying
i'm always growing
and so are you
but with broken petals
and dried up roots
what ground is there to cling to
if the ground has nothing for me to live for

I'm not interesting enough
to entertain you forever

Stop saying sorry
for things you’re not sorry for
In the workplace
In a retail store
In every day life
Stop saying sorry so much
You’re doing fine
So long as you’re trying

I'll never forget...
when I was eating less and less...
when I was doing more drugs than I ever have...
I was told in shock every time someone saw me
how great I looked.
now I only see the shock in the eyes.
it's not heard from the mouth anymore.
I feel it when your eyes dip lower
and you don't tell me how great I look.
but you ask me how I'm doing.
I'm okay.
be careful what you say.

will you be a victim?
or a victor?
i won't look into the faces that lie of their darkness
i won't look into the faces that lie about my own
you know more than just the things that hurt
you know less than what hurts me
who are you to say a **** thing
about what decays inside of me?
you can't
because you'll never be there
and i'll never let you in

I get lumped into that same category
of the ***** you hate because of your insecurities
(I've got a lot of insecurities myself)
making new friends is exhausting
(but isn't always)
and I'm tired of being read wrong
(even writing this is dangerous)
I love all of my friends till the end
(and trust me, I've got some good ones,
this goes out to the old shady ones,
the ones who gripped the knife, drove in the tip
then acted like they wanted to help me find out who did it)
but my silence is my self-defense
to be made to feel poisonous ***** with my head
if we can pick **** up where we left off
that's a friend to me, & a bond that's tough
I keep to myself
but I've got your back if you've got mine
my door is always open if you need a little time
to figure out what's going on in your head
I've got time even if I'm in bed
we'll smoke a joint about it
I'll lift you up
all while I'm in my own pit
of misery... are you here for me?
and yeah, I get it
my internal nature makes people unsure
my hidden anxiety and self-doubt makes it all blur
got you thinking “what the **** is wrong with her?”
but what the **** was wrong with you?
The minute you betrayed me I was through
after that,
if you think I'm constantly wondering what you're up to
you should find a different surface than a mirror to look into
I've got my own ****
lots of it
and I'd always hope you'd be there at the end of it
but I got quiet
& unless I was constantly in-motion and talking, reassuring
I'm not important...
I'm the negative side of alluring
I know it's easy to go straight to gossiping
you create a different version of me in your head
because of things left unsaid
you're a big girl
I wish you had used your words instead
I know you'd like it a lot if there was something I had said
to make you this upset
but I was quiet.
I'm just like you.
lost and stuck in my head
unsure of what to do
and I'm a good ******* friend
it's a shame it had to end
but I'm glad you took your misery around another bend
lower your expectations
and get over yourself again
until you get yourself another quiet friend
that you can't quite control
you're on a roll
and completely miserable

writing my poetry to horror movies...
the fear never lasts longer than a moment,
and it's safe to breath for a small pardon...
because what I'm afraid of
isn't in my imagination.
what I'm afraid of,
it isn't lost
in my world of creations...
it's something most people seek
but it makes me feel weak.
I'm not interested in romance,
I'm interested in the rain...
because it's too exhausting now
to think about doing it all again.
I've got my heart on my sleeves
so you can see...
but they're attached with iron clamps
weighing on me, sinking me...
because what good is an anchor
without a distant shore?
what good is falling in love
with a heart that always wants more?
I'm going to let you down

when does even love
become no longer enough
to save us

You want to pluck me like a flower but you don't know that I'm a ****

synthetic ****
you're in with it
hot with it
saved yourself a spot with it
but I'm not riding this
you're like a big kid
without the cuteness
grow up and find a spot in the middle
I wish I could feel safe in my skin
like when I was little
before the trauma
before the drama
and how the **** do people move on
what else does it involve
besides lying to yourself that you're strong
fake it till you make it they say
and I'm faking it every day
I'm exhausted in every way
and I want to have the energy to stick around
to make a difference
to float like a cloud
without a care or a fear
this **** need to look up soon
because I can't take another year
and the cliches work only so much
the typical responses
and trying too hard to stay in touch
cliches can't be a crutch
but what else can be used?
without that thing accepting abuse
because leaning on someone too much
always pushes them slowly away
and not leaning on someone enough
doesn't make them want to stay
and I get why it is that way
but that doesn't make it okay
I've got nothing else to say
tomorrow is a new day

downside to documenting every everything
is looking back and remembering
when you just miss honestly creating
& need to find what was once inspiring
I'm lost in the ache of desiring
not worth conspiring or crying
shameful and painful to still be lying
after all these years it's time to stop whining
where's the warning sign
I didn't choose this when I chose to love you

the contrast between you presently
and the you that I knew past tensely
have altered so much willingly
I wonder which side of you is your pose...
can't say anyone really knows...
but can you even say you do?
is anything behind or below your lip's flow true?
forget it and put your walls up
forget it and put your fists up
defenses against those who admire you
will only make you burst into flames
you can pretend there's different levels
of small town fame
but I'll remember you just the same
be careful who you throw dirt to
it'll be that same dirt that buries you

wish I was focusing more on creative ****
because I'm always making it
then doing what with it?
I've gotta break out with it.
I wanna be known for it,
have something to show for it,
be more than it,
tell people what I think about it,
and to have people around wanting to hear about it
I want to be brave and talk about it
I could have a voice
if I dared to try and scream with it
I see the world in misecellanous dreamy hues and ****
in open highways and moments
fitting the typical 20-something millenial *****
I'm blending in with the other witchy *******
that don't know darkness...
triggered...
we're a part of the viral market...
I don't trust you if you deny it.
we're waiting to meet a mirrored fakeness, and rely on it
losing the drive in me to look for words to reply with
I'm scripted and overworked but trying
morality police are too busy lying
reality is digging into my day dreams
and it's making **** more clear
it's good to clear the smoke and imagine something bigger
but the first step is doing
taking the fear away
and flying
but I took another puff and went to sleep

this poem isn't about you
but everything always starts with you
I ******* hate that, too
I remember harmonizing on your balcony
you were amazed by me, I felt like a queen
the cold reminds me of being in your jacket, bundling
that old, ripping leather on your couch
the comfort of my lips on your mouth
but the cold reminds me of you leaving
and that I didn't even realize it at first
talk about embarrassing
I don't want to do this forever
I want to inspire people to do something bigger
I want to inspire myself to be better...
I want to to be able to live off my art
to be able to de-ice my heart
I need to get warm
I'm too afraid of the potential harm
now is where I start spiraling
seeing your names give me anxiety
wish I could get over everything
still not over the ***** that betrayed me
still not over the boy that abandoned me
still not over the monster that ***** me
still not over the leaches that changed me
still not over the bullies that attacked me
still mad it took me having to learn to forgive me
to forgive you all ******* first
as if I did something to deserve it
******* all for forgetting about it
******* all for not feeling sorry for it
I remember feeling the wind on my face when I was still innocent
I remember feeling the wind on my face when the innocence left
I remember the pillowcases I soaked wet with my tears
I remember the poetry in my mascara bleeding
I remember the poetry in everyone I've ever loved, leaving
I remember learning what it means to be loving
to be sweet, tender and caring
I remember what it means to be soft
I want to know what it's like to be soft
definitions create distractions
curling up inside the shell of myself is easier than turning around
I'm too far into the destructive phase to stop now
my wrecking ball is my bad habits
my inability to move past ****
I want to know what it's like to let go of something that hurts me
I want to know what it's like to light it all on fire without any burning
I guess I'm wondering
if I can hate you for what you've taken,
I can thank you for what you've given
thank you
for giving me
a pathway to forgiving me
relearning and reliving me
again and again
relinquishing and repenting
all that was confusing
and all that you once were
because of you, there was more to learn
because of you, I know what I deserve

maybe one day I'll be worth millions
that day probably being when I die
addicted to my expressions
trying to determine a worth to sell for my life
we're all stuck in our nine to fives
I get it baby,
I don't feel that alive either
I'm working every day to free her
I'm working to be her
I'm working to see her
again
not around the bend
maybe tomorrow by ten
I'm finding out
so much more than I've been before
I've got cuts on the roof of my mouth
because biting tongues doesn't do any good anymore
I'm alive in my complexities
love me in paint stained sheets
while I cover up what I don't want you to see
swirled into my reality
while remaining a mystery

if you want to face the darkness
come up to where i am and meet it
i'm done hearing you talk of my darkness
as if you've really seen it

i was told confessing thoughts
even if they aren't necessarily secrets
can be healing.
well i had really terrifying dreams as a child.
i wish i spoke up back then.
i wish i told someone how much they actually scared me.
because it's years later
and i'm not a little girl anymore.
the things that are terrifying me
exist in my reality
or in my irrationality...
and i'm rubbing my eyes at 4:00am
with the illusion
that reality is up in the clouds
with the rest of the memories from my childhood
that taught me what fear was.
not really real
not really there
in my imagination.
or at least i could pretend.
what was reality in my childhood that scared me
i never told a soul.
my secret keeping skills were gold.
and while the plot thickens
and my skin stretches into it's 23rd year
my dreams slip through my fingers.
and my soles are soaked.

do you ever pick at your skin?
do you ever cry for no reason?
I've been barely sleeping
and it's bubbling
I know you want this
and it's exciting
and I want you
but it's mainly annoying
because I'm down and out
and I don't wanna **** around
I'm floating like a satellite
try to spot me and you'll lose my light
lost in gradients and gazes
most memories only exist as phases
cause you saw me floating
and I didn't slow down
you couldn't handle me without my crown
but I still want you around

yeah, I've got information.
but not a single dose for you
but I've still got heart
and I've still got time, that's true

but I can never have too much
because I don't have enough
all while never knowing
who even gives a ****

you wanna hear me complain ?
doubt it
I don't want to hear you
but I do

so I get it
what else do you want me to say
I don't always have fancy word play
but I still have things to say
and ideas to marinate in your brain in

meet me half-way

you're interested...
if you put me on, you'll be best dressed.
but I've gotta confess,
if you're going to tell me I'm intimidating,
make that the reason to work a little
to try and get me melting.
tell me, show me, that you want to take me...
because if I have to coach you through foreplay,
I'll take my chances and just stay lonely.
talk about boring.
I want a man to stand firm and say that he wants me.
what kind of strength does it take to act boldly?
this pattern is ******* boring...
now is your best chance to thrill me,
I've got my eyes on you so let's start moving.
I'm not on a stage, this is ballroom dancing
grab my hand and start waltzing
or just do something...
don't just stand there
and tell me that I'm ******* intimidating
I'm ready to bolt if this is initiating

i told you i needed you
you said you were going to go to bed

offensive
I know I am
you wanna get it in while you can
I'm tight enough for you to get your way
and finish
so come on down
I know you won't stick around
and I probably don't even want you to
I knew what I was getting into with you
you talk to me like you're smarter than me
it ******* bugs me
I'll call you out and you just get salty
you'll start thinking
this can't be the girl for me
because I'm not a girl anymore
I'm searching for something more
you want someone you can talk down to
I've got opinions I'm not afraid to share with you
stop acting like I don't have a ******* clue
I may be quiet but I know what you're up to
I know your intentions
though most people forget to mention them
in-between the sheets of boring men
and maybe I am to them, too
my apathy is a defense that keeps people away
it's also the reason why no one wants to stay
I keep it inside
I keep it tight
I'm my own ride or die
I run away from people on their knees wanting me to stay
I run away from myself in a dangerous way
keep it distant
keep it poisonous
keep it poignant

of all the things you overthink
let it be me this time

sometimes I want to feel delicate, too
tonight I want you to touch me like I'm a bruise...
look in my eyes
like you could wander in,
cradle my jaw
like it's made of porcelain.
because I can't stop
my grinding and clenching...
feelings of wanting to feel delicate
are never long-lasting...
I'm inspired and exhausted and feeling ill
passions inside me lay dormant still
but have a pulse that's ready to ****
and I'm wondering where my brain is...
there's time still that needs passing
there's questions I should be asking...
I'm floating but not the way I want to,
I'm ready to be free wherever I run to.
and don't think I won't miss you...
you've made me feel delicate like a bruise.
and I've got a lot of reasons to thank you.
I keep gratitude under a blanket to warm up to.