and here's the thing
I don't give a ****
about what you think I might have said about you
over five years ago
in coversations that were once private
with someone who doesn't **** with me anymore
leave the drama at the door
stop keeping score

my memories exist
like cinematic moments
of excellence
of sadness
of beauty
of cruelty
in my mind
all the time
I remember every shadow
every shade of blue
I remember you
I still feel you
I've told you my brain is always busy
I mean it and it's exhausting
I'm stoic and vague
distracted like it's a plague
I've been wearing the same old flannel  
for three ******* weeks straight
I want to be good
I want to feel good
damaged goods
but I'm good

rotting from the inside out
the walls inside of me are bleeding out
I'm indifferent to the crimson
I've always told myself I'm content in this prison
but that isn't born from truth at all
I'm a coward with a long way yet to fall

hard to love
hard to find the time
unambitious obsessive compulsive
the small details are repulsive
reaching for anything to grab on to
under water and blue
you're always wondering what I'm up to
stop saying you want to pick at my brain
I pick at it enough on my own
sometimes I feel that if I screamed loud enough
I could burst myself into flames
passion burns brighter than most things
and winter was more than just a season
it's a state of mind that I'm ready to shake off
where there hell have I been the past three years?
I don't recognize my body
I don't recognize my mind
I'm losing track of time
but I'm on the upswing
at least, I think
I've got to swim, not sink

talking ****
about who's the most authentic
overly obsessed
with aesthetics
only interested
in what someone can offer them
only interested
in what they can gain
it's all the **** same
and I'm so ******* bored
been here so many times before
give me the honest ****
make me almost afraid of it
do no harm but take no ****
that's my aesthetic
but my ego gets in the way too
my shame gets me in trouble
gives me these moody ******* blues
can't help but bring it out on you sometimes
and I say **** I don't mean
I'm a hypocrite cause I just wanna feel seen
and heard
like everyone else
imposter syndrome makes me feel pathetic
what the **** even is aesthetic
just roll with it
get the **** over it

I'm breaking my own heart
every single day
I hate myself in so many unfair ways
I've gotta take it easy
I wish friends stayed friends
I wish it were easier
everything gets in the way
and cliques are ******* lame
I just want some ******* love
but I'm a space case every single day
I'm cold and distance and will push you away
friend or foe
but some day I'm gonna thank my stubbornness
for keeping me ******* alive
I'm ready to thrive
just wanna drive
down every open country road
take away something from the old
find a way in to something with the new
maybe with you
but probably alone
baby I've got the blues

nostalgic
for the honest ****
bathroom floors in friend's apartments
ten dollar bleach kits
orange tint
drinks and joints lit
feeling it now
drunk and confessing my sorrows
high anxiety
because
things come back and bite you if you're not careful
be aware of what you confide in strangers
and
I'm telling myself constantly
to appreciate my privacy
because I always get stuck regretting
the minute after letting someone in
and
back then
it was so easy
the early and mid 20s
lucy changed me
molly made it carefree
while maryjane remains centering
I wonder what you're wondering
are you wondering about me?
no one has ever wanted to know
why it's hard to love me
they only want to know why it wasn't easy
and then leave
some days it's still lonely
pity party planner of one, no need for an RSVP
I know it's only me
in my head, sort of drowning
wandering antique stores, buying stranger's found things
there's magic in the history, sadness in the poetry
rust and broken seams
take my heart strings
pluck them from me
I'd like you to try harder to please me
gotta turn off these ******* feelings first
I forget where this is going

stimulated, unmedicated,
always diving into the void.

also known (to me) as my own brain...
its got its own lane.

made of cobblestone,
maybe some concrete,
sometimes it's nothing but one way streets.

sinning in every direction,
seeing every location,
but I'm always just visiting.

it's been a long journey.
every wrong turn is a discovery.
every right turn,
a fight against misery.

but I'm always just visiting.
always left wondering.
I'm looming with inconsistency.
loving me isn't easy.
nothing like sunday morning.

never not reminded of my old flames
nostalgia creeps into my brain so many different ways
thinking about warmer days
I've got notebooks filling up their pages
and another past life fades into the background noise
my brain is so busy
feels my talent is being slept on
but everyone feels similarly
everything is so ******* poetic it's overwhelming
but inspiration isn't self sustaining
you've gotta keep that **** alive
and answer when it ******* calls
I have to stop pressing ignore
I have to stop keeping score
I'm capable of so much more
I don't have time for much of anything else
I'm sleeping in on myself

everything feels so heavy
right now I'm feeling spicy
and not very ******* nice
why aren't more fat chicks in magazines
show me that my stretch marks aren't weird things
so many women have a gut
and so ******* what?
I'm tired if it
being programmed to hate myself since I was a child
the only way to fight it
is to love yourself through it
the only true revolution
is with middle fingers up to it
I'm never gonna have a thigh gap and big ***** simultaneously
if you can't love or **** someone for that you're a **** *****
and you could never handle mine
**** the world
I'm gonna love this girl first
you couldn't make me feel any worse
than I make myself feel every day
I gotta look at things a different way
I've got nothing else to say
my goal is health over beauty
mentally, physically
and crawling out of this valley
beautifully
**** this misery

I like listening to albums
when the artist was at their saddest
cut me open again
I glisten in it too
I just wish I could stop being so angry all the time
and see the art in it all like I did back then
I already know the direction you're going
I don't think there's room for my growing there
but I want to be anywhere but here
I feel like I'm thousands of miles away from you
even in the same room
I'm the distant lover you've never wanted
and here you are
wanting me
I like your attitude
***** grips
**** talking past *******
retro vibes echoing under bridges
frost bite on my eyelids
**** I'm tired of feeling so ******* cold
you're gonna blister and burn if you kiss me again
combine my passion with a lack of attention
I'm gonna confuse you and let you down
everything that's ever been
has only been broken
fragments seen again in the small moments
where it all reminds me of everything all over again
nostalgia is a drug and my hibernation den
and I've been trying to write all ******* night
I keep trailing off
thinking about smeared eyeliner and chapped lips
your hands gripping my hips
it's a good time until you can't get me there
I want you here
I just like to feel you inside
I'll take myself on the ride
if you're there to drive
just don't ask me where we're going
I see your soul showing
mine's still hiding
and I'm a sucker for your charms
I like how I feel when I'm in your arms
but I wanna feel that way in my own first
hard to do when I'm dying of thirst
for a little heat in my chest again
or at the least some ******* condensation
melt me down a little more
see what all the old heartbreaks were for
what else do I have to lose

brain won't stop spinning
must be all the sins I'm committing
you've been on my mind all day
want you kiss me again and again
wide eyed
I admire your ambition
give me a fire in my chest
you're a catch 22

finally on the upswing
here you come a' ringing
******* chiming
you made sure it was on snapchat
so it's hidden
old ****** tension still glistening
while she's in the next room sleeping
what kind of man have you become
you said we're done
and we are so done
I'm not gonna scratch that itch  
and although I'm not gonna snitch
I hope someday she sees
that she's loving a little *****
a trash man, baby
you're no man for me, shady

can't help but feel a little bit like a failure
even though I know better
the struggle makes you humble
if it doesn't,
open your eyes wider
overwhelmingly inspired
with too little energy
I've lost the identity
of everything I am mourning
it's a melting *** of sickness
I want to feel less
I want to be more
I've been ****** for so long
that being sober feels like a high
my bad mood killer
my void filler
last night I took a drive around my home town
I drove past every house I've ever had memories in
sort of a crazy behavior
but I'm addicted to the nostalgia within each one
if only I could locate the time frame
in which I stopped being honest with myself
but knowing that won't change the past
starting over is terrifying
I just want something that lasts
longer than my attention span
I want attention and affection
from a real ******* man
who isn't afraid of me
but doesn't scare me either
I know my worth
I have to free her
I have to be her
I need a breather
pass a joint my way

learning how,
trying to get comfortable in my skin again...
a new adventure, a challenge...
with both an enemy and a friend

there's blood on my hands
but blood on yours too
I wonder what would have happened if I never left
I wonder what would have happened we finished those riffs
those bolts of love like musical notes
bursting into flames right after they're wrote
passion only gets you so far
it doesn't always coexist with love
passion for lust
you were someone I thought I could trust
I have to move on, or combust
what choice do I have here anymore?
no passion left to settle the scores
the notes faded the minute we made the music
I just want someone to call me baby all the time
I'm relieved I'm not yours, while being sad you're not mine
that's gotta be some sort of sign of my state of mind
what reality do I exist in?
I just call it mine...
if I could
I would crush up nostalgia and snort a line
******* wired into me like muscle memory
like when my fingers touch piano keys
I remember the music
I remember your hands
I remember your apathy
I remember our plans
I remember the golden morning light
I remember the texture of your couch
I remember the smell of the air
I remember the taste of your mouth
I want to move on
I want to let go
I want to remember the potential of my glow
this is music only I'm writing now
and I'm the star of the ******* show

where did I come from
and what built me
the trees and unfamiliarity
uncertainty and anxiety
strength and witnessing the laboring
from those before me
nowadays there's always some article about something new that's ruining me
allegedly
and everybody else that's lonely
these ******* don't even know me
situational out of context diagnoses for free
drugs and bars and nothing
what's pleasurable anymore
we're teaching each other that it's nothing
instead of looking for the silver linings
might take me a little more digging
but I know I'm still trying
craving a lover who knows how to be loving
but I should probably learn how to be too
I'm nostalgic for when I was younger
cause back then we kept that **** alive
keeping it real while romanticizing everything all the ******* time
& these changing seasons give me flashbacks to memories that are only mine
I'm not sure if the others remember
I'm not sure if they were seeing the same sights
of the chipping paint on the side of the house in golden streetlights
the smoke from our cigarettes indoors clouding my eyes
I still think about you all the time
and everybody ******* else
scrapbook sheets stained and unclean make my brain melt
I'm tired of wondering if you're still hanging on
I'd rather know if you've moved on
but I suppose the silence says it all
you always said I could call
I don't know what I'd say if I did

Today when I was driving home from work
I saw a raccoon licking it's broken leg in the middle of the road
It was raining
I started immediately crying
No one was going to see it where they would soon be driving
I went back out later in the evening
and avoided going down the same road
because I didn't know what I'd be seeing if I did
now I'm back home eating
thinking it was just a raccoon
but that **** was really sad too
a better person would have saved it
but I'm not a worse person for not
I'm sorry little raccoon

I feel so far away from myself
while wanting freedom from my own mind
I'm overthinking everything all the time
meanwhile everything is so ******* poetic
it's almost overwhelming
a life source that isn't actually sustaining
I feel so many things fading
turning yellow on their edges and creasing
I don't want anyone to touch me
I don't want anyone to see me
I'm seeing too many memories
showing up in the shadows of my dreams
all in terrible color schemes
nothing is ever as dreamy as it seems
I'm floating on aimlessly
sadness grips me, it never misses me
it's a part of me,  I dance with it soulfully
it's melancholy, baby
I'm the melancholy lady
tip toeing on lines between different parts of me
wandering around
but not very gracefully

Stop saying sorry
for things you’re not sorry for
In the workplace
In a retail store
In every day life
Stop saying sorry so much
You’re doing fine
So long as you’re trying

cryptic ****
that only you'd get
you're not really here anyway

triggered at the expense of expression
life cruelly trying to teach you a lesson
about what's worth something or anything to you
in regards to your feelings or someone new's

unlearning
to not be jealous
I wanna be happy for your success
I wanna have your back
I want you to have mine
unlearning
to not assume your attitude
unlearning
to not assume that you're assuming mine
unlearning
after learning cruelty all this time
I'm not competing
I'm daydreaming
I'm generally unphased
I go my own way
I’m happy for you, girl
go take on the world

we've all got something,
an old feeling we're chasing...
vivid memories cling to me
persons, places, and things
I know they only matter to me
like crisp night bike rides down dimly lit residential streets
but I want to share them.
remember them.
make someone feel something
like I did
all those nights ago...
feels like re-watching my favorite show...
or I don't know
it's nostalgia baby
I'm the nostalgia lady
the overwhelming abstract familiarity
of something you once knew...
when I get those nostalgic scents
I feel it, doesn't matter what it is
bus engine exhaust reminds me of when my heart was still his.
condensation on coke bottles remind me of the cold floor
the cracked door
the drunk 20-somethings, such a bore...
when I was in middle school
I used to write the hockey player's jersey numbers
on my hands and notebooks when I thought they were cute
some people would catch on, they got real rude
back the ******* dude  
why are you looking
I'd pretend it was my lucky number
that it was only coincidence
I'd say, you better not tell him
they always did
fourteen years old, I couldn't tell you what love was
don't know if even I could now
some days I think I just might hate you
being wrapped up in your delusions is gonna break you
think you're too far gone for them to make you better
and I just keep thinking about other ****...
why do I think life would be easier if I was skinnier?
what a ******* trainwreck...
nostalgia for lighter days,
I'm high for days on end...
I can't pretend I'm on the mend to make you feel better
anxiety says the old me feels best, but I want to forget her
I'm tripping on expectations of future lovers
as if I've already met them
I'd like to call them my future canker sores
after the crash and burn we'll be gargling salt water
turn and spit
repeat and pick up where we left off when we get bored
scars are scores
I'll just get high to Lana
act like I don't give a **** about your new lover
in some new poem about how you ****** me up for good

For the past two years, my depression has been slithering across my brain like a snake in the grass. Like a bug I can't squish. Like a smudge I can't clean off completely, no matter how much I scratch, scrub, or scrape. I'm a realist with an imagination. I know what's happening in my brain. I recognize my triggers, my bad influences, and the surroundings in which I exist that contribute directly to my unhappiness. But what good does knowing do me? The snake started slithering again. I can know the chemical imbalances... but what good does knowing them do me? I have the chemical symbols tattooed on my forearms to remind me, since I was 20. I'm tired of these tattoos, too, if I'm being honest. They don't help like they used to. I want to cover them up. I've always loved butterflies. Maybe I'll do that. I wish I cared enough, to be able to hate them enough, to then have the drive necessary to save the money, make the appointment, and get them covered up. I keep feeling my desires to once again reinvent myself bubbling up from the very depths of me, but when it comes up, I stare at my desire in the face, and I turn & run away from it and curl up inside of the shell of myself.

The snake started slithering again.
I feel it across my brain...
I know it so well,
I've given it a name.
I want to forget it,
but it all stays the same.

I feel like I've got a double ******* chin
what a win for the year
I've got a terrible relationship with the mirror
**** whatever it is that makes me so ashamed of my weight
and **** whatever man wouldn't **** me because of my weight
I've got a lot of good **** to offer
so whatever
life isn't about being happy all the time
it strikes misery and I still gotta do my grind
life doesn't give me the ******* at a good time
just for my convenience
life doesn't care about my convenience
or your convenience
just be unhappy for a little while
swim around in your stomach's bile
maybe you'll learn something new
but it's hard to see the light in different shades of dark blue
it's there in the headlights on the highway on a midnight cruise

must be pure bliss in your world
no regard for anyone while you twirl
I wish I could throw you off your axis
wish I could throw you wider than your mouth is
smiling while you're *******
about something new that's annoying
while you leech on to the naive and what they're giving
you've got the knife for my back on a clip in your boot
you're ready to strike and I'm ready to lose
fighting you isn't worth it
bullheaded beyond reason and it makes me sick
you make me ******* sick
you're the worst type of person to know
you're the worst person I know

I get lumped into that same category
of the ***** you hate because of your insecurities
(I've got a lot of insecurities myself)
making new friends is exhausting
(but isn't always)
and I'm tired of being read wrong
(even writing this is dangerous)
I love all of my friends till the end
(and trust me, I've got some good ones,
this goes out to the old shady ones,
the ones who gripped the knife, drove in the tip
then acted like they wanted to help me find out who did it)
but my silence is my self-defense
to be made to feel poisonous ***** with my head
if we can pick **** up where we left off
that's a friend to me, & a bond that's tough
I keep to myself
but I've got your back if you've got mine
my door is always open if you need a little time
to figure out what's going on in your head
I've got time even if I'm in bed
we'll smoke a joint about it
I'll lift you up
all while I'm in my own pit
of misery... are you here for me?
and yeah, I get it
my internal nature makes people unsure
my hidden anxiety and self-doubt makes it all blur
got you thinking “what the **** is wrong with her?”
but what the **** was wrong with you?
The minute you betrayed me I was through
after that,
if you think I'm constantly wondering what you're up to
you should find a different surface than a mirror to look into
I've got my own ****
lots of it
and I'd always hope you'd be there at the end of it
but I got quiet
& unless I was constantly in-motion and talking, reassuring
I'm not important...
I'm the negative side of alluring
I know it's easy to go straight to gossiping
you create a different version of me in your head
because of things left unsaid
you're a big girl
I wish you had used your words instead
I know you'd like it a lot if there was something I had said
to make you this upset
but I was quiet.
I'm just like you.
lost and stuck in my head
unsure of what to do
and I'm a good ******* friend
it's a shame it had to end
but I'm glad you took your misery around another bend
lower your expectations
and get over yourself again
until you get yourself another quiet friend
that you can't quite control
you're on a roll
and completely miserable

so many women say
they wish they could shave their heads completely
I think it's cause we feel it'd be freeing
there's gotta be a deeper meaning
but I won't get into it
I'm running from the reality I'm being smacked with
I don't feel free, like me, at all
wish I had someone to ******* talk to
or just someone at all
someone new, someone not as toxic as you
I wish I had a different door to walk through
or smash through
look in the mirror... do I even know you?
time is ticking and you've gotta pull through...
do you ever feel pieces of your personality being taken from you?
I find myself hating people the most
when they remind me of myself
or, at least the dark parts
the parts that hurt other people blindly
the same parts of others that have hurt me
I'm tired of co-dependency
I don't think I'm as lonely as I claim to be
I think I'm thirsty for being alone with me

I had a pair of purple courderoy overalls
second grade, I felt ******* sweet
I had some pretty big feet
still do
twelve minus two
fast forward to
twenty four plus two, nothing's new
I need a good burn cruise
maybe some new music to listen to
I used to try too hard sometimes
overall, I'm pretty apathetic (I care too much)
being addicted to an aesthetic feels pathetic
looking the part still won't make you get it
I'm not looking to be understood
I'm not sure you could
what a cliche
it's okay

vivid memories
burn cruising
lost, stuck wondering
iced over heart, defrosting
every weekend, wandering
finding a new abandoned house to thrill me
finding a new way to create that freed me
I'm still searching
always learning

disconnected
my joints hurt like rusty clockwork
running low on speed
not sure what it is I even need...
I used to dream of having a tv
in my bedroom when I was thirteen
I could watch whatever movies I wanted
and I'd never have to leave
that was enough for me
I have that now and it's not enough
it's more like a crutch
because it isn't about the little things anymore
life moves much faster than that
it's taking a toll and keeping score
but actually
probably not
life doesn't take time to tally me
I'm one lost soul in a ******* sea
life doesn't start or stop for me because I'm unhappy
it's up to me to grow some spine
take the first step, taking time
to know what I need
so what do I need?
I'm not sure I'll ever know
but I'll put on a good show

I won't compromise myself
to keep you around
just for you to keep letting me down
I could treat you like a king
polish your crown every day
wash your feet after a long day
would you do that for me?
unlikely, baby
you've been inconsistent and shady
I'm a ******* lady
could be yours
and you're just my crazy
my headache
my heartache
my warm flow of nostalgia in a sunset
my doubting spirit
when I know you've seen the message I've sent
I wonder where you went
I wonder where I am
I wonder why you're moving on
and why I can't
you said my side of the bed is open any time
as if it were ever mine
I was always just visiting
I shouldn't be surprised

what is "the right timing"
how can it ever be right?
how do you choose between fight or flight?
I miss the shots I never took
even with men I know I'd never stay put for
and new friends I couldn't trust enough
I was too busy playing tough
we're all fueled on irony and caffeine
on our hopes and our dreams
I've got scar tissue support beams
in between my arteries
I'm wondering how I'm still here breathing
**** was really thick there for a while
swimming in a sea of my own bile
regurgitating *******
from past lessons I never took the time to try and learn
I shrug it off and say whatever
crimson pours from wounds I've stitched closed with clenched fists
no wonder they never closed
gotta hit that **** on the nose
it takes more than just saying no
takes more than what you're using for your thread
takes more than finding beauty in what is dead
takes more than creating something dreamy
it's cold inside my ribcage, I want it steamy
I want you to believe me
I want to break through to something
I want to breathe easy
when I take uppers it makes me dizzy
then I'll smoke cigarettes after the ****
to feel a deeper buzzing
still heavy breathing
I should go on a walk
but I stay sitting
lost track of what I was thinking
something about timing
years pass as I'm blinking
wasn't I already ******* here?

this poem isn't about you
but everything always starts with you
I ******* hate that, too
I remember harmonizing on your balcony
you were amazed by me, I felt like a queen
the cold reminds me of being in your jacket, bundling
that old, ripping leather on your couch
the comfort of my lips on your mouth
but the cold reminds me of you leaving
and that I didn't even realize it at first
talk about embarrassing
I don't want to do this forever
I want to inspire people to do something bigger
I want to inspire myself to be better...
I want to to be able to live off my art
to be able to de-ice my heart
I need to get warm
I'm too afraid of the potential harm
now is where I start spiraling
seeing your names give me anxiety
wish I could get over everything
still not over the ***** that betrayed me
still not over the boy that abandoned me
still not over the monster that ***** me
still not over the leaches that changed me
still not over the bullies that attacked me
still mad it took me having to learn to forgive me
to forgive you all ******* first
as if I did something to deserve it
******* all for forgetting about it
******* all for not feeling sorry for it
I remember feeling the wind on my face when I was still innocent
I remember feeling the wind on my face when the innocence left
I remember the pillowcases I soaked wet with my tears
I remember the poetry in my mascara bleeding
I remember the poetry in everyone I've ever loved, leaving
I remember learning what it means to be loving
to be sweet, tender and caring
I remember what it means to be soft
I want to know what it's like to be soft
definitions create distractions
curling up inside the shell of myself is easier than turning around
I'm too far into the destructive phase to stop now
my wrecking ball is my bad habits
my inability to move past ****
I want to know what it's like to let go of something that hurts me
I want to know what it's like to light it all on fire without any burning
I guess I'm wondering
if I can hate you for what you've taken,
I can thank you for what you've given
thank you
for giving me
a pathway to forgiving me
relearning and reliving me
again and again
relinquishing and repenting
all that was confusing
and all that you once were
because of you, there was more to learn
because of you, I know what I deserve

masochistic, maybe
I like the pain
it's something I crave
give me something new to work with
rip me open
give me new eyes to see with
I feel it
sadness grips me, it never misses me
it's a part of me,  I dance with it soulfully
darkness is freeing
it's a chance to meet your demons
it's melancholy, baby
I'm the melancholy lady
tip toeing on lines between different parts of me
wandering around not very gracefully
not really wondering what you think about me
it's too overwhelming to let that **** get to me
right now I should be sleeping

offensive
I know I am
you wanna get it in while you can
I'm tight enough for you to get your way
and finish
so come on down
I know you won't stick around
and I probably don't even want you to
I knew what I was getting into with you
you talk to me like you're smarter than me
it ******* bugs me
I'll call you out and you just get salty
you'll start thinking
this can't be the girl for me
because I'm not a girl anymore
I'm searching for something more
you want someone you can talk down to
I've got opinions I'm not afraid to share with you
stop acting like I don't have a ******* clue
I may be quiet but I know what you're up to
I know your intentions
though most people forget to mention them
in-between the sheets of boring men
and maybe I am to them, too
my apathy is a defense that keeps people away
it's also the reason why no one wants to stay
I keep it inside
I keep it tight
I'm my own ride or die
I run away from people on their knees wanting me to stay
I run away from myself in a dangerous way
keep it distant
keep it poisonous
keep it poignant

fake girls
that fake friend it
I'd rather you treat me like ****
call me out on it
at least I know you're an honest *****
I'm okay with it
I've got my faults,
a lot of them
I'd rather you call me out
than keep faking it
you're making it
hard to make friends
hard to keep friends
hard to be a friend
what's next then?
forget we don't speak anymore
until we have mutual friends
then try to explain
we just lost touch
plastic beginnings
silent ends
the start and finish
of more fake friends

there's a void...
you'll listen to me
when I bring up my *****
but do you wanna know my dreams?
I could cry streams, you wouldn't believe
I'm strawberries and cream
with shards of glass in between
are you sure you want to taste me?
I'm like poison baby
that's me lately
if you step into this
your legs and brain will be shaking
I'm great at confusing the enemy
I've never been good at vulnerability
I know how to pull you in
and my reflexes spit you back out
I don't know what the **** that's about
I'm offensive
you wouldn't like my folds and creases
passive-aggressive
and fluctuating *** drive makes it all tasteless
past anxieties flooded me
when they were inside of me
I started crying
they kept thrusting
and maybe that ****** with me
maybe that wasn't okay like I said it would be
I use it now as a way of distracting
you from seeing
any part of what's real in me
parts of me your **** can't reach
mysteries ****, baby
keep searching

powerful needs powerful
not a mouthful
plant me with a kiss
make it something I'll actually miss
because I'm not looking for bliss
you can't miss that, you dream that
maybe I want something aggressive
you know, that I can handle
can you handle that?
I'm always gritting my teeth
I'm tired of playing make believe
gotta do more than dream
and try to be something
and I hate it
I can't focus my thoughts
maybe I've got it all wrong
I don't write poetry for advice
but people still drop in
and I wonder if you even get it
how anyone even could
get me
and I wonder
if this season is really gonna change me
or if it's just rearranging me
until I start cumbling back into the shell of me
like I always do
I prefer running away from people like you
and you don't wanna see me the way I need to see you
in places other than my head
in my bed
in everything backwards and ahead
in nostalgia soaked car rides
to back home where it doesn't feel like home
going back to where I'm known
for a few different reasons
maybe for being a *****
maybe for old self seasons
it wasn't me
could have been the ectasy
little dolphin pill
castaway thrill
sights that **** and pierce me with a new type of sound
that you feel in your thighbones
the feeling of your tongue going down
on me
similar to ecstasy
coming down now
I've got ideas pouring out all around
and my hands only work so fast
my reality demands my most valuable time
I could be spending trying to make a dime from this ****
creating and destroying it
the minute I set it free for you to read
this **** isn't to impress you
it's to cleanse me
and to scream
because my head is getting cramped
revamped
every day

it's not the same
the crawling across my brain
it's darker this time
more than it was before
it's slower moving now
with a much darker score
I can't find the direction
I'm a sore soul searching
running through barbed wire
I want to shed this skin and set it on fire
or just re-wire
find a way back to "start"
where the breathing isn't heavy
and there's no weight on my heart
I'm screaming through art
that not many people read
it's okay
it's not something I need
I'm not translating
I'm bleeding

had a manic week
almost peaked
jumped the gun
made a stupid run
into the ground
ignored the sounds of my morals
dug into my shins like ocean corals
I just wanted to feel free
even momentarily
instead it was paralyzing
guilt tripping and bullshitting
there's no way to get around reality
when it's the anchor around your feet
I want to discover a new side to myself
and find a way to meet her
I've never fallen to your feet before
I want to learn to stay planted on my own two
without wrapping my arms around you
to hold me up
fill my cup
that you take sips from
I'm rusting around the bottom edges
I don't know romance without fringes
I don't myself without rusty hinges
I'm a door that won't open
unless you find an alternative route
and by the time you get there
I'm burned up and turned to soot
I'm sorry I'm not around

wish I was focusing more on creative ****
because I'm always making it
then doing what with it?
I've gotta break out with it.
I wanna be known for it,
have something to show for it,
be more than it,
tell people what I think about it,
and to have people around wanting to hear about it
I want to be brave and talk about it
I could have a voice
if I dared to try and scream with it
I see the world in misecellanous dreamy hues and ****
in open highways and moments
fitting the typical 20-something millenial *****
I'm blending in with the other witchy *******
that don't know darkness...
triggered...
we're a part of the viral market...
I don't trust you if you deny it.
we're waiting to meet a mirrored fakeness, and rely on it
losing the drive in me to look for words to reply with
I'm scripted and overworked but trying
morality police are too busy lying
reality is digging into my day dreams
and it's making **** more clear
it's good to clear the smoke and imagine something bigger
but the first step is doing
taking the fear away
and flying
but I took another puff and went to sleep

I want so badly to reclaim my youth
without it being vicariously through
someone like you
but rather, a past self
or maybe just a current state...
I wish I could come clean
or just clear the slate...
I've got a bug crawling across my brain
it makes me feel like ****
the other day I took a quiz
wondering
if I had sociopathic tendancies
I think it was just a break in my sanity
and wanting to put blame on anything
because the world doesn't owe me a thing
I'm stuck in the past

years of lessons that don't stick
scabs that ******* itch
why bother scratching
why open that **** back up again
what do I even have to give?
you're busy with expectations
I'm busy dodging them
so ******* afraid to be honest
and waste my time on that nonsense
patterns come and go
most times they start real slow
and I'm lost before I know it
stuck going in circles
can't ******* stop spinning
in-between the motions and I feel sick
not even getting ****
not even sure I want it
wondering why it's even worth it
can't get pleasure for ****
maybe I'm a little bitter about it
my hand does more than your mouth can
looking for too much in a man
all you do is talk
all I do is walk away
not thrilling me enough to stay
so what the **** am I upset about anyway

so ******* stressed that I could puke
I'm doing my best and so are you
I wonder if it will slow down soon
I need direction like I need a clue
in finding a little peace of mind
I'm skipping
I'm tripping
I'm falling behind
in chasing what I came here for
in forgetting mistakes
and remembering to stop keeping score
I'm gonna try a new way of thinking
I'm gonna try to avoid this ship sinking
or just go down singing
with every breath
I've gotta grow up and take the next step
in being something bigger than me
being bigger than my dreams
but maybe I just want someone to listen
not tell me how I glisten and can handle it
maybe just agree with me
and tell me it ******* *****
cause I'm just saying, this is sucky
I don't mean to be ******
I don't feel very good lately
I'm trying to take it easy
I'm on the west side where it's breezy
but I feel lazy
while feeling like I never stop moving
this poem isn't moving either
it's babbling
.....whatever, forever

ghosts inside of my head
i want them dead
there is no need for this balancing act
my tempest
my stormy sea of a heart
you're the captain of my vessels
you flow through me
but you make me bleed
it hurts to think about you
the frost on your windows
traveled to a new one
warped glass and chipping
I keep getting caught and start bleeding
it hurts to want you
I'm tired of wanting you
I'm tired of wishing you'd want me too
I'm tired of you
I could fall asleep easier
without you tip-toeing across my brainwaves
barely walking
but floating
my chest hurts, I feel so blue
you say I'm powerful
but I never am when it comes to you

I'm not interesting enough
to entertain you forever

I'll never forget...
when I was eating less and less...
when I was doing more drugs than I ever have...
I was told in shock every time someone saw me
how great I looked.
now I only see the shock in the eyes.
it's not heard from the mouth anymore.
I feel it when your eyes dip lower
and you don't tell me how great I look.
but you ask me how I'm doing.
I'm okay.
be careful what you say.