I want to re-do what I wrote
on the fog on your window
when we smoked too many cigs
and I was getting too many zits
in places I wasn't used to getting zits
I felt unsexy
but you made me feel worthy
and I'm not asking for much
wish we coulda stayed good that month
among all the hustle and crunch
we lost sight of ourselves somewhere along the bank
in the fog that collected on your windows before we sank
and we went deep
I think we're still asleep
I'm not hearing the voices
only feeling the urges
and I'm not strong enough to run away yet
but I was back then

I feel anxious right now
and unromantic
is that a word?
I could google it but I don't care that much
apathetic and it's my curse and crutch
time has me tripping
keeps going faster while I'm spinning
I normally try to be more clever
but I'm feeling a bit more anxious than ever
**** isn't helping like it usually does
I'm aching from the inside out
I want to feel better
I want to feel cleaner
I want to be better
I want to be leaner
of course
who doesn't
I'm stress eating and I wish I wasn't
I wanna feel ******* ****
even if I'm a little more squishy
call me baby and make me crazy
my hips can still swing
I can still make you sing ******* soprano
if that's what I'm feeling
and when I'm honest like this in poems
it makes me nervous as if I need to share it
because I can't keep my creations secret
maybe it's because attention is a drug and I need it
but maybe I just like creating something only to rid it
from the pits of me
open the windows of my ribcage and set it free
maybe stick out a ******* if it's hurting me
but most things I create are meant for healing me
from what's causing agony
anyway
I'm not sure where to wrap up thoughts like these
I'm watching Sunset Blvd. on the tv
black and white soothes me
like a wicked dream

almost started to chase after you
glad that moment found the exit turn
just like a flash
kind of like how you entered
and ****, I was was so well sheltered
I sometimes wish
you would have kept walking the day we fell in
creeping across my brain
you can't be touched by asprin
you're a headache wrapped in a heartache
and I'm ******* tired of laying awake
you're way ahead of me and I'm tripping
I've got broken toenails from all your breaks in the concrete
in cement sealed secrets we left between the sheets
in between a smoke break and a beer
hot sauce dripping on black leather
you had books but no bookshelf
said you'd rather build one for cheaper
and that was ******* ****
sawdust coated
steal toed footing
tobacco dipping
still ******* tripping
losing my footing
where was I going...
shut the ******* door behind you as you go
better yet
I'll hold it open for you while telling myself "I told you so!"
you're always ******* with me
I see it and it remains unseen
I'm country boy weak

wondering if I'm breaking through to rock bottom yet
but I think I just gotta get used to it
time has changed me and it's moving fast
lot of good women with a lot of bad pasts
gotta look past my own if I wanna last...
and drop that victim ****!
this is how life is...
pushing against the current,
wondering if it's worth it...
I've got an anchor on my ankles,
a voice in an empty vessel...
spiraling seas,
of thoughts, maybe voices...
victim **** is victimless,
until you're victim to their cringe-worthy-ness...
and I get you're under some sort of stress,
the darkness is what treats you best...
but everyone dances in the shadows
you're not rolling in this **** solo

you're interested...
if you put me on, you'll be best dressed.
but I've gotta confess,
if you're going to tell me I'm intimidating,
make that the reason to work a little
to try and get me melting.
tell me, show me, that you want to take me...
because if I have to coach you through foreplay,
I'll take my chances and just stay lonely.
talk about boring.
I want a man to stand firm and say that he wants me.
what kind of strength does it take to act boldly?
this pattern is ******* boring...
now is your best chance to thrill me,
I've got my eyes on you so let's start moving.
I'm not on a stage, this is ballroom dancing
grab my hand and start waltzing
or just do something...
don't just stand there
and tell me that I'm ******* intimidating
I'm ready to bolt if this is initiating

if one more A-cup
tells me to let my **** be free
I'm gonna scream

Small memories that make my chest ache.
I'm still working to identify why some of them do.
Maybe they don't need to be defined or recognized.
That's okay, too.
I imagine them being insignificant from an outside perspective... seen as mere moments passing, sights only slightly seen in between other *******.
Queue flashback.
Burn cruising down residential streets, Lana Del Rey's song "Ride" and everything else on that **** mix cd, late autumn, my "old but new" golden SUV making the first tracks in freshly fallen snow... foggy eyes... ******... alone... but it's okay, I enjoy my company.
Desperate for something bigger than myself... beyond myself.
Queue flashback.
My old bedroom.
My parent's driveway, sneakily smoking a midnight bowl and coming back inside with frosty fingers ready to make more art.
A little buffer, you know?
A lot more simple of a life among all the drama, the past lovers, the drugs, the adventures.
Queue flashback.
The sunlight on my skin on a country road looking for abandoned houses with my friends.
Passing around a joint and screaming along to the same songs over and over again.
Finding magic within decaying walls and gravels roads.
Being set free when I'm creating for me.
I see my art as something beyond a hobby, because it's a deep part of me.
It's nostalgia wrapped up in between the sheets of my empathy, apathy, and curiosity.
Nostalgia is my addiction... it's dancing with some ******* friction.
My partners are the past and my reality in a surreal scene.
I create my lovers and they create me.

you remember me as a girl that I don't recognize
I'm not afraid of the words you might use to describe it
words used to diffuse the feelings of guilt
that I imagine you're feeling
(or the guilt I hope you're feeling)
I look back and I don't know what I'm not seeing
I'm not afraid of you not telling the truth anymore
(I'm not sure you knew how to do it back then)
and it's freeing
(but I remember you as a girl I probably don't recognize now, either)
the early teens of the 2000's ******* burn me
memories of my girls ******* hurt me
I still think my only fault was needing them too much
forgetting their problems, because they were my main crutch
but feeling guilty makes me feel filthy
because I only needed support and healing
not lies and betrayal and scheming
and I still need healing
I wish I could forgive you
and I wish you could forgive me

it feels like it was all synthetic
honesty doesn't exist without substance
or substances in my reality
grind it up and smoke it to settle my anxiety
back then I was more of a ******* party
sky dancing with mary and lucy
absolutely
how could I not be
not sure if I learned what it means to be a friend at that party
or the one after that
it's as if I want to hit rock bottom
give this misery I'm feeling a little more meaning
communicating it to the people around me isn't happening
why am I so afraid to say it clearly...
that I'm not happy
I can't concentrate on ****
they call it attention deficit
and I just wanna get it
but I'm chasing butterflies
and forgetting about it
I'm tired of being so cynical,
thinking everything is a cliche
I've made myself this way
spending too much time alone
same ****
do ****
remember why you came here
pick up your broom *****
be a bad witch

synthetic ****
you're in with it
hot with it
saved yourself a spot with it
but I'm not riding this
you're like a big kid
without the cuteness
grow up and find a spot in the middle
I wish I could feel safe in my skin
like when I was little
before the trauma
before the drama
and how the **** do people move on
what else does it involve
besides lying to yourself that you're strong
fake it till you make it they say
and I'm faking it every day
I'm exhausted in every way
and I want to have the energy to stick around
to make a difference
to float like a cloud
without a care or a fear
this **** need to look up soon
because I can't take another year
and the cliches work only so much
the typical responses
and trying too hard to stay in touch
cliches can't be a crutch
but what else can be used?
without that thing accepting abuse
because leaning on someone too much
always pushes them slowly away
and not leaning on someone enough
doesn't make them want to stay
and I get why it is that way
but that doesn't make it okay
I've got nothing else to say
tomorrow is a new day

make art
but look the part
if that isn't priority
are you in this majority?
I say I'm an artist
so does everyone else
I can feel the eyes roll
when I say what I'm here for

and

I can see you treat me different
once you see my **** holds up
but unless I look like an artist
or the world knows my art
you're gonna think I'm not enough
rough and tough egos we've got, baby
hope your **** is good too
so you have an excuse for your crazy

walk like an artist
on the fine line between humble and elitist

I won't lie and say you don't have my attention
but my focus is on my creations
and I'm sorry I don't tell you you're ****
you've got a *** drive as tasty as candy
and I don't even want a lick
I feel like a ******* *****
I want to want you
I want you to want me
then the moment comes
and I'm not thirsty
but I'm flirty
slowly approaching thirty
and I'm wondering where you fit in with me
while probably boring you completely
and you're still here asking questions
maybe you see a fire that I don't feel
maybe you see something real

I've got to ******* shave
focusing on what there is to mentally save
but I'm riding this wave out to sea
tingling waves of humility
sort of unable to see **** clearly
blinking my contacts clean
but not really
dry eyes and yellow lines
you've caught me in your sights
I'm still a little blurry
but you're not in a hurry and I'm busy
busy working and listening to music that hurts me
gotta find a way to be bolder still
less colder, ******* still...
not sure which train to board or what to bring
I just wanna make sense of things
all this eclipse **** and I could care less
looking for something beautiful
and shouldn't that be it?
I want it to be enough
I want it all to be enough
and I know I'm tough
but now I'm boring myself
I'm looking for inspiration and you're not it
I'm looking for an adventure and I'm not listening
maybe I ******* should be

writing because I've got nothing else to do
I get stuck when the **** *****
sticky when the humidity is up
and I just wanna get high
poetry is a confession or a lie
deciphering it isn't worth the try
and I just wanna get high
or meet someone fly
take me on a ride
give me inspiration for a new creation
see sparkles in street lights and wet skin
city slickers finger lickers
late night candy munchers
burnt out babes with a work ethic
show me your soul and stretch it
take it out for a ride with me
down the rainy streets
light green **** up in the shadows
and pass it to me
get high on our energy
and my average ****
until next week
there's a chance of cloudy eyes
and a real ******* high

I didn't know much back then
I think about it now and again
different skin
I want to burn the memories
take you back out
from in
me
and
you never quit screaming
passionately
but
never agressively
...that was all me
and
I know I was so young
I look back and feel ashamed
of infatuating feelings
desperate
for you to want me
to desire me
because when I love
I do it
with too much of me
it's like I keep forgetting

I wonder how you see it
six going on seven
I don't need you to understand
I never did
I was always me
and of course I've got my regrets
I leave them in my memory box
covered in sepia illustrations of butterflies

I'm as trendy as I'll ever be
I'm learning that trying too hard just gets me cranky
and I'm tired of being so ******* angry
caught up in **** that doesn't matter lately
wondering when I'll fall into more crazy
old flames never leave my mind

bustling and hustling
foot cramps and comforting
the rest of them, they've got things to say
they're in pain
I'm straining my brick wall back
bending over backwards and picking up slack
ears and empathy being filled up
problems of people I don't ******* know
in and out, after digested through bile
I'm quiet and smile, I've got nothing to show
but it's dark here in the real
can't trust the new
fresh and crispy and glaring teeth
what's on their mind is on mine too
machine minds puncturing plastic grips and tags
add ribs or structure for fake ******* velvet
all these false prophets and gossips, I need a helmet
rip off the gutter gaurds, it doesn't do ****
we're swimming in the gutter already
feeling that spinal shudder, loving your sin
and I kind of want in
but who has the time for opening
my feelings aren't really functioning
but I feel you
I wanna grab hold of my boldness
I feel like reading me is like hieroglyphics
crytpic and frustrating as **** unless you ******* get it
but that takes time
and a comfort that doesn't exist as mine
I need to reclaim the wonders of my grime
I've got a soreness all over me like a walking bruise
putting out doesn't get misused
unless you're putting in
the ******* work
and sure
you could read it differently
but where this is even going is a mystery too
nothing really here for you to sink your teeth into
I want a life filter like a bruise
dreamy blues and purple hues
feeling like **** fits the vibes
everyone around me seems to have a tribe
and I'm wandering and lost, which is okay, I know it
those in the shadows don't need to be told to find the light
because light exists on at least one side even still
it's about a balance and a will
this **** isn't real

even while half listening
you're a predictable bore,
an open mouth sore
chew and sunflower seeds
grinding teeth until gums bleed

find your spot in the grind baby
work ethic isn't hard to find
when you're cornered and shakey

you'll fall off the ladder you're being pulled up
before you make it to the top
your un-callused fingers might be tightly gripping
but before you know it you'll be slipping
if you're lucky
you'll find a sucker on the way down
grab them and pull them with you
and then convince them to give you a crown

picking up your slack
and slapping you on their back

piggy backing is what you do best
on the flesh of those
that are desperate for a love
you'll never give them

you save that only for yourself

you know about riches
but you don't know about wealth

windows down
summer air moistening my skin
relieving my daily sins
or reliving...
I love driving past golden lit windows
& imagine strangers comfortably inside
soaking in what is sacred
(to them)
but at the same time...
I also imagine their demons
as I'm sure ours could dance together
under any weather
unless we sever the tether
that connects the heart to the mind
to do that I'd need more time
lessons aren't learned in a day
I'm too curious for my own good
and you know what they say
it could **** me
but it's tasty and thrills me
curiousities are my being...
curious about how the world sees me
while simultaneously
telling myself I live entirely carefree
(but that's untrue)
you're a stranger to me
and you're a stranger to you
I'm not interested enough
to be interested in loving you
learning you
I've gotta trust you...
but
I'll first trust the golden light of a stranger's home,
and until that changes,
my demons dance alone.

I want to know
what's on your mind...
because I like to pretend
that you were once mine...
I know
it's probably untrue
and I know
I probably mean less to you
I wanna be ******* over it
loving you feels like ****
I didn't ask for this
get a grip
you're on a trip
if you're moving on that quick
and I'm not trying to get too poetic
I want to express this ****
and ******* forget it
I'm a little extra
and you're dramatic

broken blossoms,
songs of sirens...
melting me into darkness
where control is a substance
I'm desperate to ingest it
spiritually conjure it
or some ****
I've got a lump in my throat
but I'm what's being swallowed
by walls closing in
lining the shell of myself

a different kind of freedom
salty skin and sore knees
i'm wondering which part of life
you'd fit best in between the sheets of
the body count fits the thread count
whatever that means...
spending time alone isn't as bad as it seems
but I'm uncomfortable in my own skin
and I feel like ****
not down with it
beyond over it
still stuck in the middle of it
a cosmic joke with guilt riddling in it
can't pick up and start over
I feel years older
maybe I need a vacation
maybe I'm a loner

summer is lonely
without direction
and I'm ******
I prefer living in the shadows
and imagining dreamy tones
lost on auto pilot
foggy days
time is a concept that has gone away
but I still feel like I have something to say
nothing comes out or up anyway
but maybe that's okay
for just a few more days

Despite my
darkness and
perceived sadness
I'm actually pretty fun
to joke around with
And laugh with
And smile with
I survive
Through my expressions of darkness
Because it makes the darkness
productive
and not
destructive
I am happy
And strong
And have been
all along
:)

self-medicating
they say not to believe everything you think
go for a walk, they say
your depression can't make you sink too deep
you're stronger than you think
and I ******* know it
but my legs broken
and stuck in drying cement
I lost sight long ago
of where my happiness went
and it's damaging
it's not rewarding
self-medicating
another beer, another bowl
another tear, another stroke
wearing the same thing every day
and people wanna talk about it like it's funny
emma doesn't wanna change her clothes
must be because she likes to smoke
don't ask me if I'm okay
I won't answer honestly anyway
and you don't wanna know
so just tell me a joke
you've got an easy yolk
full gas tank, but I'm broke
I'd drive myself away from me forever if it was easier
only taking pit stops to touch the sky to please her
I know what I want
I've got dreams & ideas,
I could take that shot...
but it's easier to lay here
wondering when it's gonna get better
when I'm gonna free the inner me & meet her
wasting time in this darkness
losing my drive to channel it out
writing about it to water it down
stings less when it's drowning in something weaker
still wasting time begging to myself to free her
talking in third person doesn't seem crazy
with your third eye open ...
glands and spirituality ...
why it's seen as magical
is beyond me
but I dig the vibe still
whether or not it's real
keep it that way, is what they always say
keep it real, & that's how you'll feel
tell me what they say
about when it's gonna heal
because this **** is getting old
I'm catching up & losing time
with a bruising soul
I need the darkness
to give me back my self-control

not sure who I currently am...
I feel like I'm rolling around
in-between a lesson
& a mental breakdown
the twenty-something *******
attempting to be an above-it *****
where your scratches don't itch
& I'm never distracted by dramatic ****
but I am
and they do
I'm not putting me over you
I've seen this view before
I'm feeling stillness and a pull
feeling like I'm on cruise control
programmed responses
to predicted reactions
I'm fine, how are you
what's up, what's happening
I'm annoying myself
and it's ******* fantastic
where are you?

maybe one day I'll be worth millions
that day probably being when I die
addicted to my expressions
trying to determine a worth to sell for my life
we're all stuck in our nine to fives
I get it baby,
I don't feel that alive either
I'm working every day to free her
I'm working to be her
I'm working to see her
again
not around the bend
maybe tomorrow by ten
I'm finding out
so much more than I've been before
I've got cuts on the roof of my mouth
because biting tongues doesn't do any good anymore
I'm alive in my complexities
love me in paint stained sheets
while I cover up what I don't want you to see
swirled into my reality
while remaining a mystery

I keep writing in my journal
"remember why you came here"
now it's all my mind hears
sometimes you can't go
until you're sent
whatever that meant
and I'm tired
wish I didn't get so bored by you
wish I didn't get so indoors with you
I know you'd like it if I was more in tune
with you
and wanna do what you wanna do
I'm a liar in my ways
but honest in how I spend my days
I'm not looking for a fix
I'm not wondering if we're a good mix
because we won't be
right when we think we are
the clouds in my eyes are covering the stars
can't get high enough to see how far
I could run
but where's the fun
in not facing my own fears?
that's what brought me to art in the first place
being afraid with nowhere to claim as my own space
so I found it and defined it
wish I could slow it all down and rewind it
I miss my friends
even the ones who treated me like ****
I miss my lovers
even the ones who made love not worth it
but maybe what I'm really missing
isn't a time, a person, but a feeling
and now I'm constantly searching
for a way out of the darkness I found myself
dancing in it instead of drowning in it
is the only way to keep up my mental health
remember why you came here
remember to keep your head clear

it seems we're both empty
looking for a fill
like a pill
heart racing, **** chasing
are you counting
down the seconds
until penetrating
over it
I'm tired of waiting
bored again
humidity
I'm sweating
you come with a warning
like I'm coming in with a crash landing
I wanna be the only one left standing
intentionally
you're wrong for me
*** is only ***
when you disconnect
unintentionally
and now you're boring me

I got too high
& had a panic attack last night
you got in my head a little bit
but I'll be alright
continuing to look
at ways to get ahead
intentions mislead
playing pretend
that you're on the mend
without inviting anyone into your bed
******* with heads
breaking promises you give
while experiencing promises broken
we should have spoken
sooner
about what was mistaken

it seems we're both empty
looking for a fill
like a pill
heart racing, **** chasing
are you counting
down the seconds
until penetrating
over it
I'm tired of waiting
bored again
humidity
I'm sweating
you come with a warning
like I'm coming in with a crash landing
I wanna be the only one left standing
intentionally
you're wrong for me
*** is only ***
when you disconnect unintentionally

living in nostalgia filled wanderings
& a guilt that creeps under my skin in agony
what grand expressions
could ever take that **** away?
it's a part of me, it's a tick in me
not capable of going away...

but it can be accepted
or stay rejected
and infected
and directed to attack
only when I want my old self back

and

I could give honest explanations
to the people that deserve them
but so much time has passed
I understand why they wouldn't want one
because I wouldn't want one either...
I'm already convinced that you're the sinner
and I'm not a saint who knows you better
but I wouldn't have done what you did to me, either...

and

I'm lonely
I know I make myself that way
I shake it off every night
and wake up to it every day

I'm not afraid of my demons,
they look like yours,
only this time I can see them...
they move in the shadows
that I formed myself to free them

you **** without a conscious
and you wonder why I'm cautious
but I'm bored with your nonsense...
you've got suave
without the grace
you have no soul
but you know you've got the face...
I'll put on a magic show
and make you dizzy like a trick
let's get in your nasty *** car
and I'll pretend you're not a *****
nah
'cause I've got better things to do
than you
on a first "date"
ha, the **** is that anyway?
and hey
nothing wrong with getting it in
I've got my free girls & guys lovin' it
but let's stop confusing dates with it
because you're not here to date ****
you're here to see what else you can hit
and hey
that's fine
be free & cross those lines
but I really don't have the ******* time
you couldn't handle my **** anyway
but if it makes you feel better
I'll keep pretending you're cooler than me, okay?
you've got a lot of good jokes
good for you on being so woke

of all the things you overthink
let it be me this time
I wanna saturate your brain waves
even if only in black and white
dreamy inversions that make you think twice
because sometimes I do...
lost wondering if I fell in love with you...
the city is lonely tonight
and I'm feeling brave
while nothing feels right
I'm afraid of leaving my shell
I'm afraid of emotional hells
and everything else unwell
& I hate what you've done to me
I feel like a cheap thrill
while you stare at me with your looks that ****
I've never been so angry
as I was that night I thought you ignored me
because I jump the gun ***
and you know it
that's why you chose to ******* run
and I don't blame you at all
deciding my worth to you is not my call
and I wouldn't want it to be anyway
speaking what I really think
is the wrong thing to say...
I'm a little on the downside
meet me on the south side

picking at my skin
ingrained in me like old medicine...
the old soul within me is breaking

it's without trying
that I'm inspired
by short sparks of adoration rewired

I'm a plague
sweeping through your soul's streets
I'm a curse
you taste when my lips & yours meet

but I want you to love me deeply
it stings every time
when you don't tell me you miss me
wish I could get under your skin enough
even if it's only to make you feel frisky

and then where can I run to?
certainly it can't be you...
I move with the shadows,
not away from them
I dance with the demons,
not stray from them

I want to form an entity
that's part of my identity...
that follows your movements
like a haunting...

think of me
in darkness, in black
bury me
and haunt me back

so afraid of being rejected
you're acting cooler than everyone you see attractive
as if that's going to make someone see
something special they crave for romancing
do you want someone to grovel?
egos give only push
and no pull...
I'm not looking to get high
off of you
get on my level
and get high on your truth
show me what inspires you
and I'll show you, too

of all the things you overthink
let it be me this time

I worry sometimes
I'm never going to be over losing you...
you were my girl first,
everyone knows that's true...
and that sounds elementary,
but I don't have time to worry
about how I sound to everyone else
lies are what broke it apart anyway...

& what harm will being real do
rather than being fake
& why do I miss someone
who believed a ******* snake...
over me...
(the snake that so easily
wedged itself in-between...)

& looking back doesn't do any good, either...
who I used to be is lost in a grudge, help me free her...

I tell myself every passing year
a real friend wouldn't let ******* in a single ear...
and lie to my face when I see it in her...
ring the bell, we've got a ******* winner,
of the longest trail of ******* ever laid...
I started out saying I miss you,
but I'm glad you never stayed.
what a shame.

talk to me like I'm daft
I'm suffering in my craft
my perception peaks off the charts
(if you think I'm not noticing
I promise you it's an art)
a skill I didn't ask for
I feel intention before verbs
I hear the voice before words
sometimes but rarely I will see I was wrong
only if you're singing a similar song
that you were never taught
and you feel alone a lot...
I get it, I do too
surrounded by people lining every wall in the room
I'm still a vessel in a sea
of people I'll never let in to know me
because of fear, maybe
I can't think about it too much or I'll go crazy

currently in between
a nightmare and a dream
I'd like to move like a ghost in your world

here then suddenly gone
not afraid to admit I was wrong...
but I'm already like a ghost.
you're wondering if I'm still around
while I only linger now

but I left town
and you did too
too much too soon

I sound dreadful
but I'm helpful
and imperfect
don't distort it

make love to an artist
they'll make art
in response to your every move
even after they do...
abstract expressions
of feeling too much too soon...

I'm a sucker for the rush
a nightmare and a dream
is calling me a crush
context changes in moments passing
the truth is I don't do that much laughing
I'm as cold as it seems
please, see me as a dream

you're giving me nostalgia
this city **** is cinematic
and I'm feeling electric
static vibes around me
want the vibes absorbing me
redefining me
wondering where to begin
feels like being born again

honest art
that's what I wanna see
from you
from me
expectations are high
(hell, so am I)
want to be as big as my dreams
wanna flow out my creativity like a stream
make you feel like I'm make believe
(but it's only in isolation that can be acheived)
want everyone to distantly respect me
(and I wonder why I'm ******* lonely?)
I'm a contradiction
consistent and willingly
but most times without thinking...
these new lights are blinding
(not when I'm driving)
(but **** lately has been slick)
crying gets old quick
but it sure feels good
and I don't cry enough
I get told I should ...
more more more
bored bored bored

writing my poetry to horror movies...
the fear never lasts longer than a moment,
and it's safe to breath for a small pardon...
because what I'm afraid of
isn't in my imagination.
what I'm afraid of,
it isn't lost
in my world of creations...
it's something most people seek
but it makes me feel weak.
I'm not interested in romance,
I'm interested in the rain...
because it's too exhausting now
to think about doing it all again.
I've got my heart on my sleeves
so you can see...
but they're attached with iron clamps
weighing on me, sinking me...
because what good is an anchor
without a distant shore?
what good is falling in love
with a heart that always wants more?
I'm going to let you down

"this is not about you"
she said
through her fingertips
dipped in deceit---to you, at least...

we relate and turn it into reflections,
reflections only faced towards ourselves,
constantly needing protection...
opening every book in our mind's shelves
to find the source of someone else's truth...
the light isn't bouncing between other thoughts,
it's absorbing into your darkness looking for proof.
being fed & torn from your ego without crosses
unholy wars with insecurities from all losses...
laying out on golden thrones made of pride
find any excuse and picking a side.

your tactics aren't working
this is not about you.

the contrast between you presently
and the you that I knew past tensely
have altered so much willingly
I wonder which side of you is your pose...
can't say anyone really knows...
but can you even say you do?
is anything behind or below your lip's flow true?
forget it and put your walls up
forget it and put your fists up
defenses against those who admire you
will only make you burst into flames
you can pretend there's different levels
of small town fame
but I'll remember you just the same
be careful who you throw dirt to
it'll be that same dirt that buries you

it isn't fair I feel a need
to shield the eyes
(that for years I haven't seen)
from my skin that's stretched out a little more
than what they were used to seeing before
and ******* if you've got **** to say
ups and downs are my body's way
of reacting to the tides
got my womanly figure struttin where I move
I really don't have anything else to prove

there is a noticeable silence on your end
maybe it's best if I take this time to mend
try and fix
everything that's really bringing me down...
I can tell it's chasing you away anyhow
because who wants to listen
to the girl with eyes that constantly glisten
wanna sew more sense into my devil's hem
upper cut nonsense with a fist to them...
& I know I'm trying too hard to impress you
I'm biting my lips until they turn a shade of blue
I'm not going to wonder why you're running
because I can't join this race if you're gunning
for something less like you and true
different colored hues
can't always mix and flow
especially when the volume's low...
I wish you'd turn it back up
and sink in your teeth
I wish you'd fire it up
and make me feel less like a creep
I dove too deep...
& still wanted more...
I feel like I'm always ******* things up to the very core
you're a hidden pearl that's still wading in my shore...

we are drifting through the tides...
but no one ever leaves
how they arrive...
I need to find a way back on that cloud
find that familiar bliss,
and then I'll just drift...
I might get a little road sick...
the years go by ******* quick...
& wistfulness can be a curse
of constantly feeling homesick
for places you've never drifted...
I want to drift through your sea
even as only a dream
& remorse is a trick...
apologies are a *****...
you're a scab I can't itch...
I could do it all again,
but I can't see the use...
when I don't want to be your lover---
I want to be your muse.

downside to documenting every everything
is looking back and remembering
when you just miss honestly creating
& need to find what was once inspiring
I'm lost in the ache of desiring
not worth conspiring or crying
shameful and painful to still be lying
after all these years it's time to stop whining
where's the warning sign
I didn't choose this when I chose to love you