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Oct 2022 · 185
Untitled
Emma Katka Oct 2022
Do you ever dream so vividly
It feels like a real memory
Oct 2022 · 101
Untitled
Emma Katka Oct 2022
obsessive
compulsive
distracted
explosive
redundant
forgetful
abundant

I feel lost in a lull
that I keeping humming along to
wondering if you ever feel remorseful
but that's like wishing on a star
and expecting it to come true
admirable, but ultimately delusional
I wanna move on gracefully
but I don't think that's how I operate
I'm a little messy with good intentions
not always open to cooperate
with anyone but my own conscience
autumn dives me under the surface of my nostalgia
and I stay underwater, I like the drama
but I can only take so much
before I start to sink in too deep
help me find the surface
before these depths start to speak
Oct 2022 · 100
Leaves
Emma Katka Oct 2022
I've got things to say about the leaves. Every poet does. Every artist. Or maybe the leaves just have things to say. They're letting it all out. Letting it go. Crunch. I wanna strip down my darkness into individual leaves of memories that I can let the wind take away. Crunch. Crutch. There's some memories the wind just never takes away no matter the weather. They're seemingly staying forever. Perpetual states of their imprints exist like a leaf pressing that was preserved in a stone. And all I'm thinking is that I need a rake. And perhaps more strength for all the leaves I need to shake off.
Oct 2022 · 97
Shadow Box
Emma Katka Oct 2022
You assume you know me deeply
from what I post on social media accounts
while I'm behind glass, pins in my sternum,
like a butterfly you decided to mount.
I'm the pretty thing in the corner
that gets dusted off when you're lonely
I'm talked to behind the glass
while you think of new tricks to show me
You want validation and attention
so you put quarters in my ear
you wind me up for a few hours
and then you disappear
I'm so tired of the patterns
I'm tired of the empty plot
You want to wade in my waters
just to freeze over if it gets too hot
You want to tell me about your demons
but you really just want to whine
you want to tell me about your darkness
and how you think it's just as dark as mine
But you know nothing of my darkness
and you know nothing of my light
You don't know what keeps me rested
or what keeps me up at night
You don't ask me what my dreams are,
don't even ask me about the weather
You don't ask me about anything
but tell me you'd like to know me better
You want me to be vulnerable
but there's never a moment where that feels safe
You're a claw machine on a frenzy  
grabbing hands thirsty for my embrace
and you make sure to hit me up late
so there's no evidence to trace
your actions have become so transparent
it's started to make me feel sick
every time I see your messages
I immediately get the ick
I'm so easy to romanticize
when I'm an aura behind a screen
men tell me they love me
but I don't think they know what that means
because I know where I exist
in your little world that I don't fit
you decided a long time ago
I'm too much work, so you quit.
I'm a layaway lover
and a bucket list ****
You have none of my respect
and I wish you luck
Oct 2022 · 126
A story about a house
Emma Katka Oct 2022
The house was white, paint chipping away, of course, with a wrap-around front porch with moss lining the edges. It can be seen from the road distantly... but to get to it is a little complicated... needed to park on a side road about a mile away.... only way to get to it was by hiking 1/2 a mile to a creek where there is a broken "once was" bridge that is broken in half that you have to jump across to cross the creek, and once you cross the creek, around the corner moving right, or west in this case, up the hill.... is where it sat surrounded by trees. It was beautiful approaching the home.... I have nostalgia about the smell of the air and the walk through the grass up the hill to get to it. I also remember my first step on the moss. I can't explain it rationally, but almost immediately upon my foot touching the moss on the porch, anxiety flooded through me, like a sudden panic... you know, as if you've fallen off your bike or bed, or tripped on a rug that was curled slightly from someone else tripping over it before you were there... I brushed it off and considered it to be the adrenaline I seek by exploring these houses and continued through the front door. I entered the kitchen first. There was a mirror on the far wall with a small sink under it. There was a very old razor with a bottle of shaving cream next to it. They were both rusty. I kept walking. I entered the living room. The walls were salmon. The sun shining through the windows and bouncing off of the salmon colored walls and floor and ceiling made horrible lighting in my photographs. I tried for a couple self portraits and wasn't satisfied and couldn't focus. I was anxious. I kept exploring. I found the staircase to go upstairs. More anxiety. My chest hurt at this point. But I continued up the stairs slowly and with shaky legs. My friend behind me was whispering that she didn't want to go upstairs. I can barely hear her. I feel like I'm underwater. She's still afraid. I'm still anxious. The walk up the stairs feels like it's taking me an hour to complete. Everything is in slow motion. She is gripping on my sweater and I'm still shaking. I make it to the top step. I'm facing a window immediately. Everything outside looks black and white but I know in my mind it's green. I keep telling myself "that's green" as I stared at the grass out the warped window and it wasn't changing color. I feel like I am walking through mud as I turn around to face the upstairs room. My friend is walking back downstairs. I'm hearing her in slow motion screaming "**** this, something is ******* weird here i'm going outside". As she is leaving I'm seeing what I'm seeing.... the far wall of the room is covered in black mold... beyond reason it is covered from corner to corner seeping to the connecting walls like they were hundreds of outstretched dark arms waiting to pull me into an abyss. Everything is still black and white. I feel the warmth of someone breathing heavily on my ear. Distinctly, I hear a growl. I feel the vibrations of an angry, sinister, evil growl, and I can't explain it. I can't explain a **** thing. But it was there. It was felt. It was real. And it was ******* crazy. I ran down the stairs and fell on my way down and scraped my knee up pretty bad. After that, all I remember is that the very moment I put my foot on the grass, and was off the mossy front porch, I was seeing color again.
Sep 2022 · 118
Untitled
Emma Katka Sep 2022
Fixer upper
Flipped and tender
Wondering where we're going
Home feels like forever away
And they say it's a feeling
Well then that's distant too
Sep 2022 · 312
Untitled
Emma Katka Sep 2022
I'm not feeling
very familiar
I've got an itch
on my brain
that moves linear
bruising on a foreign bed
tongue tied
and in my head
Aug 2022 · 90
solo
Emma Katka Aug 2022
I wanted more from you
than you were willing to give
but I can't expect action
from someone so miserably passive
even though you always had such pretty words
I remained thirsty for pretty verbs
that I knew I'd never see
but I kept hoping
and
I used to think you were my ghost
now I'm wondering if I'm more than just the host
for my own haunting
that's traumatizing and taunting my psyche
telling me I'm not worthy
all because of the actions of weak men  
that I give more power to than they deserve
once again...
and
communication without comprehension
is a deadly circle I find myself dizzying in
I could talk myself in to the ground
and think I'm breaking through to you
but it's an illusion
just like your truth
and perhaps mine too
I want to feel like I am more than a bucket list ****
I want to feel worthy, not down on my luck
and I know
I'll feel that better on my own
rather than the repetitive ******* I've been shown
the mind changes, rearranges
and I'm back to square one
boxes were never in my comfort zone
neither was being alone
I'd rather embrace my solo
Aug 2022 · 135
Notebooks
Emma Katka Aug 2022
I love new notebooks. I like them even more when they're filled. I love the texture of the raised paper once my letters in ink fill their pages. The satisfying rolling bumps that I created. My fingertips gliding across the paper landscape.

But it never gets bumpy. My mind strikes me down first. I need the perfect pen. When I write, I press hard, so I like a steady stream of ink. It better dry fast, or I'm  smearing it. I don't like it when it smears.

My mind works fast, I can't erase ink. Backspace backspace backspace. So, I type. But I want to fill pages. The screen isn't as satisfying and I don't have handwriting to appreciate. I hate it when my handwriting doesn't look satisfying. But typing works faster, and better with my mind. I'll throw away lists if I don't like my handwriting. I'll make drafts. Re-write. Toss. Re-write. Now I can do everything on the list. The required conditions have been met.

I'll sit down for a little bit. I start day dreaming in poetry. I remember the way light looks on your dashboard. I remember your callused fingers catching on my tights in the passenger seat. I reach for my notebook; I want to write about it.

I need the perfect pen. I'll get up and look for one.
Aug 2022 · 257
Untitled
Emma Katka Aug 2022
What you think you know
You don't
Keep on disturbing your peace
Every time you think of me
Aug 2022 · 280
Untitled
Emma Katka Aug 2022
Memories only I remember
You had to be there
But you were gone
Jul 2022 · 91
Untitled
Emma Katka Jul 2022
Coming up empty handed
and calling me a handful
Jul 2022 · 96
Snake
Emma Katka Jul 2022
Pretty words
from a pretty face
Wrapped all up
with a slap across my face
You're just like the cement
that broke my wrist
Existing in a guise of stability
that I foolishly missed
Waiting for you to crumble
when you felt any pressure
You're smooth, but reptilious
with too much texture
You're a snake in the grass
who loves playing the victim
A liar, a fake
and you got it down to a system
Claim you're damaged goods
while aiming to inflict some
Get to therapy, please
before you get your kicks
and lose them
Jul 2022 · 270
solar
Emma Katka Jul 2022
everything's different
but nothing has changed
just realities clashing
and life picking up the pace
I just want to see your face
but I don't want you to see mine
you'll read me too well
you'll see I'm not fine
after telling you I am
and I'm doing what I can
but I don't know how to recover from
the trust we had that was lost
I don't have the change for the cost
lend me some quarters baby
I'm a change machine
that's needing some rewiring
I don't want to need loose change anymore
I wanna be solar, baby
just need some more light on me
Jul 2022 · 85
space
Emma Katka Jul 2022
anger is a weight
no one notices you've gained
until your knees buckle under it all
and you can't see straight
I'm so ******* jaded
and tired of being disappointed
I'm gonna crackle and burn soon,
so before you take a chance on me
read the ******* room...
don't give me too much too soon
but don't leave me thirsty for more
I won't wait at any man's door
when they're behind giant walls...
and to lose seeds of hurt in me planted,
I'd need the magnitudes of an earthquake
I want to lose the layers I can't shake
I don't want the illusion of trust
on a foundation that's fake
so rise up to my level and meet me
because I won't step down
to make any man more comfortable than me
if you have an issue with the space I take up
than you can ******* leave
Jun 2022 · 207
Untitled
Emma Katka Jun 2022
you're like a warm blanket
that just came out of the dryer
don't cool down any time soon
I want to hold on a little longer
cause I miss you when you're not around
and I hate knowing that feeling is foreign to you
you deserve to know
all the good things you bring and do
May 2022 · 121
conditions
Emma Katka May 2022
I blame it on my traits, my conditions
but it's really got me wishing
I didn't gotta deal with it all some days
plenty of people with good talent & good taste
getting washed up, burnt out, & put to waste
depression that stay for days
always feeling like I'm running out of time
and taking up too much space
in the land of the free
land of me, me, me
everyone's hearing
but no one's really listening
the land
of demanding
consideration
from those who consider no one
land of the free, but only for some
doesn't feel like one
self aware sinkholes
getting angry from internet trolls
easy to spark passion in me
easy for me to **** it up & do something embarrassing
I'm feeling burnt out
pushing through, that's what it's all about
resilience is a compliment only when I'm in the thick of it
when I catch my breath, I don't wanna hear it
gimme some deeper validation
I've been riding off of fumes of my passion
I wanna feel a little less intense
but I blame it on my traits, my conditions  
they make things such a mess
but
shifting the way I see it
always makes it easier to live with
I'm not a mess from another perspective
I think I'm different
just like you
May 2022 · 102
exit plan
Emma Katka May 2022
left my baggage at the door
but blocked my only exit
when someone knows their importance in your life
they know the impact they'll make if they leave it
and who wants to give anyone that power?
I'm always telling myself "not me",
but that's me lying
because I've got loving meant for giving
but I'm not into forgiving
especially myself
I'm living in poverty with incredible wealth
I've got so many in my corner I don't feel deserving
connections more than worthy of preserving
but sometimes I fall off, the queen of isolating
and lately I'm just ******* stressing
but I know I gotta be learning something
cause lessons don't come without some scabbing
some lessons even require scarring
that's why growing is so jarring
turning into a phoenix
only after running into a burning building
self growth comes only if you're willing
May 2022 · 90
Untitled
Emma Katka May 2022
Uninspired,
while feeling like I've got something to say
Which is usually when I say what I gotta,
in the entirely the wrong way
Because it pours out of me in any way it can,
it doesn't matter how much time passes
or how long I anxiously ran
It's so much more than a feeling,
and vulnerability was never really my thing,
despite the heart I carry on my sleeve...
It's a mirage I keep,
I wish I could show you the real thing
I can't seem to let you in just yet...
but I wanna see what's up your sleeve,
I don't want you to leave
Apr 2022 · 89
Beat
Emma Katka Apr 2022
I've got a lot more to say
about you lately
instead of angry ****
to say about him
you've got me forgetting about the bad ****
got me tapping to a different rhythm
And I'm enjoying learning the beat
you got comfortable
in my brain
and took a seat
And maybe
you're used to people not caring
about the things you have to say
but I like to know what's on your mind
and I know you like to know what's on mine
I'm not everyone's cup of tea
but you say
you like what you're sipping
and I believe you  
You've shown
me a few different sides of your coins
and easily a few
of my new favorite songs
it isn't easy to capture my attention
and hold on
but here it is your hands
I hope you're delicate
Apr 2022 · 103
Predictable
Emma Katka Apr 2022
I may be predictable,
but at least I'm consistent.
Apr 2022 · 120
Dry
Emma Katka Apr 2022
Dry
You don't want a partner,
you want to punish your mother.
Go ahead big guy,
bring it out on your lover!
Then wail afterwards that's its just another
crazy ex-girlfriend that you couldn't control...
You threw at me videos, podcasts, and quotes,
and claimed you knew so much more, so woke!
The anxious attachment dogma fit you like a glove,
but only to mesh with excuses that you love...
And you dropped them everywhere constantly,
every bad treatment towards me
was because of something once traumatizing
while telling me I need to keep
all of my trauma in the ring
because you didn't have time for a ******* thing.
I couldn't afford any more parts of myself to give.
So you chewed me up, spit me out
mixed in with your pride & half-assed will to live
Expecting others to rise to a level
that you're drowning under in your own *******
the same **** you're waist deep and wading in
all while thinking you're on dry land
condemning everyone to move from the spot in which you stand.
Because you didn't want a partner
you wanted a mother figure, turned into a lover
that you could smother, then suddenly leave.
Someone you could trigger, then bereave.
Never holding yourself accountable
for a ******* ******* thing
adding insult to injury
as long as you're living
Apr 2022 · 108
Untitled
Emma Katka Apr 2022
I was unhinged
reflecting on it makes me cringe
but that's life, baby
some people just make each other crazy
Mar 2022 · 105
Untitled
Emma Katka Mar 2022
I don't remember where I met you,
if I did, I'd just want to forget
How surreal to go from feeling so special  
to someone you wish you never met...
I was your decade long conquest, only for it to end in embers
That I use as fuel for my art;
expressions & confessions of another broken heart...
I was the incorrectly sized puzzle piece
to your stupid teenage dream
of having a punk rock queen on your arm
or wherever you found a good place to put me
Because aesthetics were more important
than you ever let on
I was a patch you sewed in
but never ironed on
and it didn't take long for that thread to break
in hindsight I was dealing with more than I could take.
I don't remember where I met you,
if I did, I'd just want to forget
how surreal to go from feeling so special  
to someone you wish you never met.
Mar 2022 · 83
Untitled
Emma Katka Mar 2022
Another creepy man
defending another
projecting their narratives
to erase the other
Especially if the other
is coming from a woman's lips
How dare you speak boldy!
someone shut her up with a kiss!
How dare you speak shamelessly
about the men who made you feel unsafe
How dare you turn a scary thing
into something with a funny face
I don't need to prove to you or any man
that where I belong is my current space.
And I will continue to take it up!
If you're thirsty, grab a sippy cup
grow the **** up
Mar 2022 · 112
Untitled
Emma Katka Mar 2022
Maybe I'm not as strong as I let on
but it's how I crave to be perceived
to anyone who sees..
I want to be seen as resilient,
watch me fight through it
The same old heartbreak *******, we've all seen it...
And the familiar disappointment
of only seeing the red flags in hindsight
This pain and bull isn't sustainable,
but maybe I'm addicted to the thrill...
Love me so deeply you want to ****
The same way loving a toxic man
kills off all of my will
to keep my hands & mind busy
in my own ******* orbit
so I do anything I can
to subconsciously destroy it
And then without even realizing,
suddenly I'm drowning
I'm so tired of getting ****** in
and getting pulled out to sea
victimized by someone
constantly victimizing themselves of something
is just as confusing as it is entirely exhausting
So when I finally break free,
I keep running like there's no tomorrow
And while I don't believe I'm necessarily hiding from my sorrow,
I think I just don't know how to greet it yet;
I don't know how to treat it yet...
Another heartbreak on a list of crass men
that I'm still getting used to the greyscale
of taking off my rosy sights from...
I want to have rose colored glasses
that don't need wearing
but rather, embodying
because they say sometimes it's just about your perspective
so I'm adapting to new ways that I can shift and shape it
I feel it all, I bury it, I dig it up, and then create ****
Feb 2022 · 90
Untitled
Emma Katka Feb 2022
No future here, only a past
No more throat burning nonsense
Emotional walls stained with incense
You need someone weaker
and I'm not her
Jan 2022 · 105
Pull
Emma Katka Jan 2022
No memory stays fresh forever
saturation floods away
and pixels replace your pores
that I store
in the darkest corners that I can find
I wish there were corners dark enough
to hide you away inside of my mind
but those will never be
just like you & me
I miss scratching my nails on your jeans
and missing your kids still feels foreign
but I'm working on things...
And while your actions are the source
of where so much of my behavior came,
I hold accountability mixed with looming shame
I wasn't my best self when I was with you
and for a little bit we both were really trying
but there was so much crying
and even though I always thought it was healing
I didn't realize it was only building
reasons for you to eventually leave
and tell me "you're too much for me"
when my "too much" was something
you were once loving
admiring
and revering
pull from my spine
all these feelings I can't get rid of
I wish for your memories of me
to remain only with gold ties along their edges
there's damage in your lips and mine
I never wanted any of this
Jan 2022 · 263
Untitled
Emma Katka Jan 2022
You talk up and down about healing
but all you're doing is hiding
behind your own shadows and shame
life is but a game
float gently down the stream
Jan 2022 · 81
Untitled
Emma Katka Jan 2022
Been about a month now
since you skipped out
You romanticized me for so many years
I was bound to let you down
only so much time could pass
before you wouldn't want me around
And hey baby that's cool
just wish I didn't break my own rules
rules you never even knew
but you'd have stomped over those too, if you did
I hate how you'd talk to me like I was a ******* kid
meanwhile I had to remind you to brush your teeth
remind me again how you were so much better than me...
A self-proclaimed, self-aware, self-diagnosing, king
pursuing me while you still had a ring?
"I just haven't done the paperwork, it's nothing"
Doesn't sound much like royalty to me
sounds like a mess without loyalty
to anyone but himself.
I hope you get over yourself--for your health.
Jan 2022 · 88
Untitled
Emma Katka Jan 2022
I'm still wearing my mourning like a second skin
I want to rip it off and jump back in
and feel the safeness of my walls ridding me of my sin
of ever stepping outside of my walls to begin with...
Because it's been 10 years since I've have a heart ache in this way
it's been 10 years since I've let someone back in my heart this way...
Posting on socials about how I'm so in love
and how deep down I was so afraid of it blowing up
back in my face like it always does
whenever I show the world and let myself fall in love...
and it's shouldn't feel so embarrassing
but I'm allowing myself to feel everything
and right now that's part of it
I showed my heart and got it ****** with
This is one of the longer winters I have felt
I am ready for spring, I need it to melt
take your name with it
distorted on concrete like an oil slick
Jan 2022 · 113
2019
Emma Katka Jan 2022
I like listening to albums
when the artist was at their saddest
cut me open again
I glisten in it too
I just wish I could stop being so angry all the time
and see the art in it all like I did back then
I already know the direction you're going
I don't think there's room for my growing there
but I want to be anywhere but here
I feel like I'm thousands of miles away from you
even in the same room
I'm the distant lover you've never wanted
and here you are
wanting me
I like your attitude
***** grips
**** talking past *******
retro vibes echoing under bridges
frost bite on my eyelids
**** I'm tired of feeling so ******* cold
you're gonna blister and burn if you kiss me again
combine my passion with a lack of attention
I'm gonna confuse you and let you down
everything that's ever been
has only been broken
fragments seen again in the small moments
where it all reminds me of everything all over again
nostalgia is a drug and my hibernation den
and I've been trying to write all ******* night
I keep trailing off
thinking about smeared eyeliner and chapped lips
your hands gripping my hips
it's a good time until you can't get me there
I want you here
I just like to feel you inside
I'll take myself on the ride
if you're there to drive
just don't ask me where we're going
I see your soul showing
mine's still hiding
and I'm a sucker for your charms
I like how I feel when I'm in your arms
but I wanna feel that way in my own first
hard to do when I'm dying of thirst
for a little heat in my chest again
or at the least some ******* condensation
melt me down a little more
see what all the old heartbreaks were for
what else do I have to lose
Jan 2022 · 81
Untitled
Emma Katka Jan 2022
Reaching and breaking
a high until I fall
just to get you to hear me at all
I loved you so blindly,
so purposely and entirely,
focusing everything
to our future that I carved out into my psyche
clammy hands gripping ballpoints while I'm shaking
Because linear lines were never really my thing
especially in learning about loving
and what it would eventually bring me
But it was never supposed to be like this
I guess lessons are sometimes easy to miss
I'm glad I was I was already standing
Meanwhile I've been carrying so much hostility
vulnerability doesn’t come so easy anymore
I feel weak whenever I let down a wall,
open a window, or a door...
And because of that, no one ever really gets in
if they do, just like you, it’s right before they’re leaving
Because time and time again I’m shown
that I’m only here to change a man’s life, not stay in it
while they're thirsty for me to inspire it,
to mystify, to entertain ****
to help them see what they’re worth
to dig into their layers running deeper than the earth’s...
But I’m not here to be a muse
without reciprocation of inspiration infused...
I want someone to dig into my layers
the way that I dig into theirs
instead of playing the part of understanding me
when in reality, they don't ******* care...
It was easier for you to stay on the surface
where you could observe me, lay within me,
take my vibe in without any hassle,
but my roots are just as important as my petals
You made it to my soil and wanted a ******* medal
Got into the dirt where it's dark,
and I suddenly became too heavy
I became a burden you carried
while I continued to carry you...
And I don't think I was ever truly yours
I didn't want to be just another
I didn't want to be your mother, your therapist, your **...
I felt like a hidden world being left undiscovered
that you once said you wanted so badly to know
your words will never produce as much as your actions show
because if you had ever loved me, you'd have let us grow
planting the seeds were half the toil
and your roots were never in my soil
Jan 2022 · 72
Untitled
Emma Katka Jan 2022
Been listening to the saddest playlists I can muster
while some have only been on the back burner
just waiting for the next heartache to come my way
it's a shame you never really calmed my anxiety's shakes
codependence turned into despondence and headaches
I woke up in your arms day after day
even the day you officially ran the other way
and left me there still shaking
I couldn't have ran after you even if I had been ready
I'd been trudging through the mud for too long already
and lately I've been forgetting what you feel like
I'm still waiting to decide how I feel about that
Jan 2022 · 87
Untitled
Emma Katka Jan 2022
I wish I could have seen so many things sooner
I want to find past me and shake her.
And while the other side may not be greener,
it feels like there's clarity
You didn't have any spine, all you had was the audacity.
To treat people the way you have,
I wouldn't have the capacity...
I wonder how you're sleeping
Jan 2022 · 431
Untitled
Emma Katka Jan 2022
Wish I was a little more present
Wish I was a little more kind
Wish my brain didn’t move so fast
Wish you weren’t on my mind
Jan 2022 · 87
Untitled
Emma Katka Jan 2022
Life is pretty beautiful sometimes despite the *******. As I was driving home the other night, I saw branches illuminated in a streetlight and thought to myself ******* that's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. It was sort of over a dumpster, but in the area of the sky for me in that moment had that beautiful scene above me. So I guess what I'm saying, is if you're struggling to see the light, just look for the branches that are illuminated while you lay in the dumpster below in a dark winter. That way you don't even have to get up until you get the strength. Maybe spring thaws your limbs and you can stretch out again. Just keep looking up.
Jan 2022 · 164
Untitled
Emma Katka Jan 2022
I wore empathy around my neck like a noose
Blind ambition convinced of an inability to lose
What more was there to do besides keep fighting
Constantly reminding
of the ways I wasnt enough for you
But that was never the truth
I was always too much for you
And you couldn't rise up to meet me
Jan 2022 · 80
Untitled
Emma Katka Jan 2022
I've been carrying my anger
like a runaway bag
but my arms have given out
and I'm starting to lag...
Our memories keep replaying
and it feels like I'm being burnt with steam
my heart ******* aches; it's blistering.
And I hate knowing more about your history
despite knowing you a long time already
I didn't know you very well, clearly
I knew nothing about your constant state of misery
and all the toxic baggage you carried so heavily
that I picked up without even being asked
maybe that's what caused so many panic attacks...
And I see you like the idea of filtering
through women that used to be bordering
on being best friends or being enemies
and how you love getting comfortable right in-between
But you're going to run out of targets,
you're going to break your record score
you snaked out my vulnerabilities, my secrets
and wear them on your arm like a *****.
But unlike you, I know exactly who I am
you pretend to revere women
when in reality you ******* hate them.
I hope you never look me in the eyes again
what ever happened to honest men?
Regardless of the matter, I hope you find the help you need.
Ps. The leather jacket I bought you looks better on me
Jan 2022 · 81
Untitled
Emma Katka Jan 2022
I remember being told
you didn't want people to know
about your ability to be violent and to keep control.
You said it was your way of always staying ahead
back then, I guess I didn't realize what exactly that meant.
I remember being told
I had the softest skin you've ever felt
make no mistake, my skin remains thick, even in this hell.
And if you were more of man I could say this to your face,
but that would require integrity taking arrogant's place.
And communication can't happen
if comprehension isnt there
and all you ever comprehended
was what you thought was unfair.
But only what was unfair to you, and you alone...
If your actions ever hurt me, it was my fault; why? Who ******* knows.
I remember being told I always felt like home.
You've been watching too many indie shows.
I'm not the girl you romanticized,
I'm not so easily swayed.
I stand my ground, I stand up for myself,
so you were never strong enough to stay.
I took away the fun of your game.
I exited the box you put me in,
I can't be manipulated as easy as you thought,
your true colors aren't really colors at all
you're in the shadows, and bleeding, a lot.
And I really hope you heal your wounds
while you wander around in the dark
I had a light, I wanted to share,
but you can't hold hands with a lark.
So go ahead and find the folks
who you think hate me as much as you hate yourself
**** my old best friends, **** my old boyfriends,
whatever you need for your "mental health".
And tell your creepy friends they can get the ******* my media
Just like you get off to starving women for your attention to drive them into hysteria.
The only time I felt desired
shouldn't have been whenever we ******
I'm a goddess, you're not worthy,
and I wish you best of luck.
Dec 2021 · 83
Untitled
Emma Katka Dec 2021
Shed another layer, believe another lie
If I had tried to, I know you would have ****** me that night
just to leave me the next day
I'm happy you didn't get to me that way..
I listened to my body, it said not to let you in
and maybe it's not exactly what thought I wanted then,
but I'm glad you'll never touch me again...
Because the only time I feel desired shouldn't be when we ****
I'm a goddess, you're not worthy, and I wish you best of luck
Dec 2021 · 126
Embers
Emma Katka Dec 2021
Holding on to the embers from the pit that became our home
Even while they burn me I can't seem to let go
The foundation we built was sand and not stone
I loved you more than you'll ever know
Dec 2021 · 85
Untitled
Emma Katka Dec 2021
Did you get what you wanted out of me?
I hope you got your fill now that I'm temporarily empty
I'm still digesting all the tall glasses of your misery
that were funneled into my stomach whenever I was uneasy...
And we packed so much **** into 6 months, it may as well have been 6 years
Looking back I see a lot less laughs than there were ever tears...
But red lights blend into everything when you're wearing rose colored lenses
Today I searched for and washed you out of everything like forensics.
And I'm sure there's some people already thinking I should give it a rest,
but I won't censor myself for your comfort because you only like me at my best
I wear my heart around my throat like a necklace
and I think it looks alright on me
Dec 2021 · 79
Fury
Emma Katka Dec 2021
And they say, "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned".
You knew who I was going into this, you didn't need to be warned.
Dec 2021 · 73
Untitled
Emma Katka Dec 2021
making yourself the victim all the time gets really old
and I know you're not one to take any suggestion you're told
because if **** got better you can't place blame
in every direction except the one that it came
and baby that source is right back to you
I've got, the world's got, we've all got trauma too
but I don't use it for reasons to treat you like ****
all I was ever looking for was a genuine apology and I never got it
and I know deep down you might want to get better
but you want to take the easiest way
there isn't a pill to take away trauma you haven't faced
you're all over the ******* place...
and I'll be able to sleep at night, just maybe not that soon
breathing got easier without you ******* it all out of the room
but I don't like to live a life with regrets,
I loved you with all of me, and I can't change it
I stood with my arms open to you ready to do the work
but I can't tell you the view will be beautiful at the top
if you're going to sit at the bottom in the dirt
which is where you always liked it
manipulation and mental gymnastics
shattered my rose colored glasses
Dec 2021 · 81
Untitled
Emma Katka Dec 2021
A cog in the machine
A devastated dream
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