you're like a warm blanket
that just came out of the dryer
don't cool down any time soon
I want to hold on a little longer
cause I miss you when you're not around
and I hate knowing that feeling is foreign to you
you deserve to know
all the good things you bring and do

I blame it on my traits, my conditions
but it's really got me wishing
I didn't gotta deal with it all some days
plenty of people with good talent & good taste
getting washed up, burnt out, & put to waste
depression that stay for days
always feeling like I'm running out of time
and taking up too much space
in the land of the free
land of me, me, me
everyone's hearing
but no one's really listening
the land
of demanding
consideration
from those who consider no one
land of the free, but only for some
doesn't feel like one
self aware sinkholes
getting angry from internet trolls
easy to spark passion in me
easy for me to **** it up & do something embarrassing
I'm feeling burnt out
pushing through, that's what it's all about
resilience is a compliment only when I'm in the thick of it
when I catch my breath, I don't wanna hear it
gimme some deeper validation
I've been riding off of fumes of my passion
I wanna feel a little less intense
but I blame it on my traits, my conditions  
they make things such a mess
but
shifting the way I see it
always makes it easier to live with
I'm not a mess from another perspective
I think I'm different
just like you

left my baggage at the door
but blocked my only exit
when someone knows their importance in your life
they know the impact they'll make if they leave it
and who wants to give anyone that power?
I'm always telling myself "not me",
but that's me lying
because I've got loving meant for giving
but I'm not into forgiving
especially myself
I'm living in poverty with incredible wealth
I've got so many in my corner I don't feel deserving
connections more than worthy of preserving
but sometimes I fall off, the queen of isolating
and lately I'm just ******* stressing
but I know I gotta be learning something
cause lessons don't come without some scabbing
some lessons even require scarring
that's why growing is so jarring
turning into a phoenix
only after running into a burning building
self growth comes only if you're willing

Uninspired,
while feeling like I've got something to say
Which is usually when I say what I gotta,
in the entirely the wrong way
Because it pours out of me in any way it can,
it doesn't matter how much time passes
or how long I anxiously ran
It's so much more than a feeling,
and vulnerability was never really my thing,
despite the heart I carry on my sleeve...
It's a mirage I keep,
I wish I could show you the real thing
I can't seem to let you in just yet...
but I wanna see what's up your sleeve,
I don't want you to leave

I've got a lot more to say
about you lately
instead of angry ****
to say about him
you've got me forgetting about the bad ****
got me tapping to a different rhythm
And I'm enjoying learning the beat
you got comfortable
in my brain
and took a seat
And maybe
you're used to people not caring
about the things you have to say
but I like to know what's on your mind
and I know you like to know what's on mine
I'm not everyone's cup of tea
but you say
you like what you're sipping
and I believe you  
You've shown
me a few different sides of your coins
and easily a few
of my new favorite songs
it isn't easy to capture my attention
and hold on
but here it is your hands
I hope you're delicate

I may be predictable,
but at least I'm consistent.

You don't want a partner,
you want to punish your mother.
Go ahead big guy,
bring it out on your lover!
Then wail afterwards that's its just another
crazy ex-girlfriend that you couldn't control...
You threw at me videos, podcasts, and quotes,
and claimed you knew so much more, so woke!
The anxious attachment dogma fit you like a glove,
but only to mesh with excuses that you love...
And you dropped them everywhere constantly,
every bad treatment towards me
was because of something once traumatizing
while telling me I need to keep
all of my trauma in the ring
because you didn't have time for a ******* thing.
I couldn't afford any more parts of myself to give.
So you chewed me up, spit me out
mixed in with your pride & half-assed will to live
Expecting others to rise to a level
that you're drowning under in your own *******
the same **** you're waist deep and wading in
all while thinking you're on dry land
condemning everyone to move from the spot in which you stand.
Because you didn't want a partner
you wanted a mother figure, turned into a lover
that you could smother, then suddenly leave.
Someone you could trigger, then bereave.
Never holding yourself accountable
for a ******* ******* thing
adding insult to injury
as long as you're living

I was unhinged
reflecting on it makes me cringe
but that's life, baby
some people just make each other crazy

I don't remember where I met you,
if I did, I'd just want to forget
How surreal to go from feeling so special  
to someone you wish you never met...
I was your decade long conquest, only for it to end in embers
That I use as fuel for my art;
expressions & confessions of another broken heart...
I was the incorrectly sized puzzle piece
to your stupid teenage dream
of having a punk rock queen on your arm
or wherever you found a good place to put me
Because aesthetics were more important
than you ever let on
I was a patch you sewed in
but never ironed on
and it didn't take long for that thread to break
in hindsight I was dealing with more than I could take.
I don't remember where I met you,
if I did, I'd just want to forget
how surreal to go from feeling so special  
to someone you wish you never met.

Another creepy man
defending another
projecting their narratives
to erase the other
Especially if the other
is coming from a woman's lips
How dare you speak boldy!
someone shut her up with a kiss!
How dare you speak shamelessly
about the men who made you feel unsafe
How dare you turn a scary thing
into something with a funny face
I don't need to prove to you or any man
that where I belong is my current space.
And I will continue to take it up!
If you're thirsty, grab a sippy cup
grow the **** up

Maybe I'm not as strong as I let on
but it's how I crave to be perceived
to anyone who sees..
I want to be seen as resilient,
watch me fight through it
The same old heartbreak *******, we've all seen it...
And the familiar disappointment
of only seeing the red flags in hindsight
This pain and bull isn't sustainable,
but maybe I'm addicted to the thrill...
Love me so deeply you want to ****
The same way loving a toxic man
kills off all of my will
to keep my hands & mind busy
in my own ******* orbit
so I do anything I can
to subconsciously destroy it
And then without even realizing,
suddenly I'm drowning
I'm so tired of getting ****** in
and getting pulled out to sea
victimized by someone
constantly victimizing themselves of something
is just as confusing as it is entirely exhausting
So when I finally break free,
I keep running like there's no tomorrow
And while I don't believe I'm necessarily hiding from my sorrow,
I think I just don't know how to greet it yet;
I don't know how to treat it yet...
Another heartbreak on a list of crass men
that I'm still getting used to the greyscale
of taking off my rosy sights from...
I want to have rose colored glasses
that don't need wearing
but rather, embodying
because they say sometimes it's just about your perspective
so I'm adapting to new ways that I can shift and shape it
I feel it all, I bury it, I dig it up, and then create ****

No future here, only a past
No more throat burning nonsense
Emotional walls stained with incense
You need someone weaker
and I'm not her

No memory stays fresh forever
saturation floods away
and pixels replace your pores
that I store
in the darkest corners that I can find
I wish there were corners dark enough
to hide you away inside of my mind
but those will never be
just like you & me
I miss scratching my nails on your jeans
and missing your kids still feels foreign
but I'm working on things...
And while your actions are the source
of where so much of my behavior came,
I hold accountability mixed with looming shame
I wasn't my best self when I was with you
and for a little bit we both were really trying
but there was so much crying
and even though I always thought it was healing
I didn't realize it was only building
reasons for you to eventually leave
and tell me "you're too much for me"
when my "too much" was something
you were once loving
admiring
and revering
pull from my spine
all these feelings I can't get rid of
I wish for your memories of me
to remain only with gold ties along their edges
there's damage in your lips and mine
I never wanted any of this

You talk up and down about healing
but all you're doing is hiding
behind your own shadows and shame
life is but a game
float gently down the stream

Been about a month now
since you skipped out
You romanticized me for so many years
I was bound to let you down
only so much time could pass
before you wouldn't want me around
And hey baby that's cool
just wish I didn't break my own rules
rules you never even knew
but you'd have stomped over those too, if you did
I hate how you'd talk to me like I was a ******* kid
meanwhile I had to remind you to brush your teeth
remind me again how you were so much better than me...
A self-proclaimed, self-aware, self-diagnosing, king
pursuing me while you still had a ring?
"I just haven't done the paperwork, it's nothing"
Doesn't sound much like royalty to me
sounds like a mess without loyalty
to anyone but himself.
I hope you get over yourself--for your health.

I'm still wearing my mourning like a second skin
I want to rip it off and jump back in
and feel the safeness of my walls ridding me of my sin
of ever stepping outside of my walls to begin with...
Because it's been 10 years since I've have a heart ache in this way
it's been 10 years since I've let someone back in my heart this way...
Posting on socials about how I'm so in love
and how deep down I was so afraid of it blowing up
back in my face like it always does
whenever I show the world and let myself fall in love...
and it's shouldn't feel so embarrassing
but I'm allowing myself to feel everything
and right now that's part of it
I showed my heart and got it ****** with
This is one of the longer winters I have felt
I am ready for spring, I need it to melt
take your name with it
distorted on concrete like an oil slick

I like listening to albums
when the artist was at their saddest
cut me open again
I glisten in it too
I just wish I could stop being so angry all the time
and see the art in it all like I did back then
I already know the direction you're going
I don't think there's room for my growing there
but I want to be anywhere but here
I feel like I'm thousands of miles away from you
even in the same room
I'm the distant lover you've never wanted
and here you are
wanting me
I like your attitude
***** grips
**** talking past *******
retro vibes echoing under bridges
frost bite on my eyelids
**** I'm tired of feeling so ******* cold
you're gonna blister and burn if you kiss me again
combine my passion with a lack of attention
I'm gonna confuse you and let you down
everything that's ever been
has only been broken
fragments seen again in the small moments
where it all reminds me of everything all over again
nostalgia is a drug and my hibernation den
and I've been trying to write all ******* night
I keep trailing off
thinking about smeared eyeliner and chapped lips
your hands gripping my hips
it's a good time until you can't get me there
I want you here
I just like to feel you inside
I'll take myself on the ride
if you're there to drive
just don't ask me where we're going
I see your soul showing
mine's still hiding
and I'm a sucker for your charms
I like how I feel when I'm in your arms
but I wanna feel that way in my own first
hard to do when I'm dying of thirst
for a little heat in my chest again
or at the least some ******* condensation
melt me down a little more
see what all the old heartbreaks were for
what else do I have to lose

Reaching and breaking
a high until I fall
just to get you to hear me at all
I loved you so blindly,
so purposely and entirely,
focusing everything
to our future that I carved out into my psyche
clammy hands gripping ballpoints while I'm shaking
Because linear lines were never really my thing
especially in learning about loving
and what it would eventually bring me
But it was never supposed to be like this
I guess lessons are sometimes easy to miss
I'm glad I was I was already standing
Meanwhile I've been carrying so much hostility
vulnerability doesn’t come so easy anymore
I feel weak whenever I let down a wall,
open a window, or a door...
And because of that, no one ever really gets in
if they do, just like you, it’s right before they’re leaving
Because time and time again I’m shown
that I’m only here to change a man’s life, not stay in it
while they're thirsty for me to inspire it,
to mystify, to entertain ****
to help them see what they’re worth
to dig into their layers running deeper than the earth’s...
But I’m not here to be a muse
without reciprocation of inspiration infused...
I want someone to dig into my layers
the way that I dig into theirs
instead of playing the part of understanding me
when in reality, they don't ******* care...
It was easier for you to stay on the surface
where you could observe me, lay within me,
take my vibe in without any hassle,
but my roots are just as important as my petals
You made it to my soil and wanted a ******* medal
Got into the dirt where it's dark,
and I suddenly became too heavy
I became a burden you carried
while I continued to carry you...
And I don't think I was ever truly yours
I didn't want to be just another
I didn't want to be your mother, your therapist, your **...
I felt like a hidden world being left undiscovered
that you once said you wanted so badly to know
your words will never produce as much as your actions show
because if you had ever loved me, you'd have let us grow
planting the seeds were half the toil
and your roots were never in my soil

Been listening to the saddest playlists I can muster
while some have only been on the back burner
just waiting for the next heartache to come my way
it's a shame you never really calmed my anxiety's shakes
codependence turned into despondence and headaches
I woke up in your arms day after day
even the day you officially ran the other way
and left me there still shaking
I couldn't have ran after you even if I had been ready
I'd been trudging through the mud for too long already
and lately I've been forgetting what you feel like
I'm still waiting to decide how I feel about that

I wish I could have seen so many things sooner
I want to find past me and shake her.
And while the other side may not be greener,
it feels like there's clarity
You didn't have any spine, all you had was the audacity.
To treat people the way you have,
I wouldn't have the capacity...
I wonder how you're sleeping

Wish I was a little more present
Wish I was a little more kind
Wish my brain didn’t move so fast
Wish you weren’t on my mind

Life is pretty beautiful sometimes despite the *******. As I was driving home the other night, I saw branches illuminated in a streetlight and thought to myself ******* that's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. It was sort of over a dumpster, but in the area of the sky for me in that moment had that beautiful scene above me. So I guess what I'm saying, is if you're struggling to see the light, just look for the branches that are illuminated while you lay in the dumpster below in a dark winter. That way you don't even have to get up until you get the strength. Maybe spring thaws your limbs and you can stretch out again. Just keep looking up.

I wore empathy around my neck like a noose
Blind ambition convinced of an inability to lose
What more was there to do besides keep fighting
Constantly reminding
of the ways I wasnt enough for you
But that was never the truth
I was always too much for you
And you couldn't rise up to meet me

I've been carrying my anger
like a runaway bag
but my arms have given out
and I'm starting to lag...
Our memories keep replaying
and it feels like I'm being burnt with steam
my heart ******* aches; it's blistering.
And I hate knowing more about your history
despite knowing you a long time already
I didn't know you very well, clearly
I knew nothing about your constant state of misery
and all the toxic baggage you carried so heavily
that I picked up without even being asked
maybe that's what caused so many panic attacks...
And I see you like the idea of filtering
through women that used to be bordering
on being best friends or being enemies
and how you love getting comfortable right in-between
But you're going to run out of targets,
you're going to break your record score
you snaked out my vulnerabilities, my secrets
and wear them on your arm like a *****.
But unlike you, I know exactly who I am
you pretend to revere women
when in reality you ******* hate them.
I hope you never look me in the eyes again
what ever happened to honest men?
Regardless of the matter, I hope you find the help you need.
Ps. The leather jacket I bought you looks better on me

I remember being told
you didn't want people to know
about your ability to be violent and to keep control.
You said it was your way of always staying ahead
back then, I guess I didn't realize what exactly that meant.
I remember being told
I had the softest skin you've ever felt
make no mistake, my skin remains thick, even in this hell.
And if you were more of man I could say this to your face,
but that would require integrity taking arrogant's place.
And communication can't happen
if comprehension isnt there
and all you ever comprehended
was what you thought was unfair.
But only what was unfair to you, and you alone...
If your actions ever hurt me, it was my fault; why? Who ******* knows.
I remember being told I always felt like home.
You've been watching too many indie shows.
I'm not the girl you romanticized,
I'm not so easily swayed.
I stand my ground, I stand up for myself,
so you were never strong enough to stay.
I took away the fun of your game.
I exited the box you put me in,
I can't be manipulated as easy as you thought,
your true colors aren't really colors at all
you're in the shadows, and bleeding, a lot.
And I really hope you heal your wounds
while you wander around in the dark
I had a light, I wanted to share,
but you can't hold hands with a lark.
So go ahead and find the folks
who you think hate me as much as you hate yourself
**** my old best friends, **** my old boyfriends,
whatever you need for your "mental health".
And tell your creepy friends they can get the ******* my media
Just like you get off to starving women for your attention to drive them into hysteria.
The only time I felt desired
shouldn't have been whenever we ******
I'm a goddess, you're not worthy,
and I wish you best of luck.

Shed another layer, believe another lie
If I had tried to, I know you would have ****** me that night
just to leave me the next day
I'm happy you didn't get to me that way..
I listened to my body, it said not to let you in
and maybe it's not exactly what thought I wanted then,
but I'm glad you'll never touch me again...
Because the only time I feel desired shouldn't be when we ****
I'm a goddess, you're not worthy, and I wish you best of luck

Holding on to the embers from the pit that became our home
Even while they burn me I can't seem to let go
The foundation we built was sand and not stone
I loved you more than you'll ever know

Did you get what you wanted out of me?
I hope you got your fill now that I'm temporarily empty
I'm still digesting all the tall glasses of your misery
that were funneled into my stomach whenever I was uneasy...
And we packed so much **** into 6 months, it may as well have been 6 years
Looking back I see a lot less laughs than there were ever tears...
But red lights blend into everything when you're wearing rose colored lenses
Today I searched for and washed you out of everything like forensics.
And I'm sure there's some people already thinking I should give it a rest,
but I won't censor myself for your comfort because you only like me at my best
I wear my heart around my throat like a necklace
and I think it looks alright on me

And they say, "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned".
You knew who I was going into this, you didn't need to be warned.

making yourself the victim all the time gets really old
and I know you're not one to take any suggestion you're told
because if **** got better you can't place blame
in every direction except the one that it came
and baby that source is right back to you
I've got, the world's got, we've all got trauma too
but I don't use it for reasons to treat you like ****
all I was ever looking for was a genuine apology and I never got it
and I know deep down you might want to get better
but you want to take the easiest way
there isn't a pill to take away trauma you haven't faced
you're all over the ******* place...
and I'll be able to sleep at night, just maybe not that soon
breathing got easier without you ******* it all out of the room
but I don't like to live a life with regrets,
I loved you with all of me, and I can't change it
I stood with my arms open to you ready to do the work
but I can't tell you the view will be beautiful at the top
if you're going to sit at the bottom in the dirt
which is where you always liked it
manipulation and mental gymnastics
shattered my rose colored glasses

A cog in the machine
A devastated dream

I want authentic honesty
the kind that cuts me open and grips me
the kind that's sinking
but also triggers hoping
for a lesson or a blessing
for a broken curse or a universal testing  
that stretches out my wings and frees me
I do not want anything that is fleeting
I want everything and I want nothing
I've got a lot to say about some things
and a lot to say about nothing
not sure if you're listening
but I want to keep talking
I want to keep this feeling
it's a sign of what makes me unsteady
losing grip of a controlled reality
but I'm too ******* busy
mostly in my brain
you never enter it the same way you came

Textured skin
humans on display
I wanna shed the skin of my insecurities
light it on fire and walk away
ashes to ashes, prices to pay
drowning in societal pressures
every single day
and
I wanna be free from that world
without leaving it
I wanna be free from display
without turning off the spotlight
I like the warmth of connection
waves of sound and light
I wanna be, I wanna feel, alright

Locked inside
the iron shell casing around my brain lately
I don't mean to be moody
I just want different feelings sometimes
Rewriting the rules is my favorite past time
And I know I've got you on the line
Like a bird on a wire in my mind
Softly buzzing
I've been mixing new ideas with yours
And it's put me down an interesting course
I'm not getting lost this time

Happiness can make you feel guilty
A foreign entity you're not used to feeling
But I know I'm deserving
It's been such a long road to happy
A constant state of tragedy is exhausting
And I don't want to feel sorry for finally breathing clean
I feel I've been forever on the other side of me
And the complete opposite of easy street
I don't need to feel guilty for moving
I like the light over here

hollow gazes
overwhelming anger
off & on in stages
boring & predictably maddening
emotionally manipulating
verbally abusing
I never thought I'd end up dealing
with ******* of this caliber
but I had to learn
how to rip it off and burn
like a tick burrowing in to my skin
one pull isn't good enough
there needs to be burn marks or it isn't done
because you were my own personal parasite
a ride or die I didn't ask for, no end in site
when all I want is you to leave me alone
caught me in a vulnerable state
and called it a date
you're delusional if you thought this would last
there's no future here, only a past
no more throat burning nonsense
emotional walls stained with incense
and you claim they're all convictions
that you just happen to forget over night
there's nothing left in me to fight
months of running the **** away from you
told me to go **** myself? you can too
you need someone weaker
and I'm not her

easy to see
who wanted me to stay unhappy
easier to now be exiting
all the boxes I've been put in by others my entire life
it gets so exhausting
codependency lost in a void
any move I make dictated by eggshells I avoid
but I know
it won't break my skin to step down
because even if I step lightly
new fires start after one burns out...
...and they did...
my wounds are still blistering,
but I'm not guilty
and I'm not apologizing.
if you wanted what's best for me, you'd be calling
but it was a connection made in vain
now drown in your own selfish rage
I'm not staying miserable so you stay comfortable
I'm burning this bridge, turning this page
of the chapter that's never closed
with the secrets no one knows
and I don't want to remember
I can't be pulled down a moment longer
I feel so much strong than ever before
I always knew I needed more
so I took it and ran
I'm standing in open land
with shadows and stars
bottomless bowls and dusty bars
I've got sunshine kissing my skin clean
it's easy to see

drunk on bridges
off the wobegon trails
dangling feet over the interstate
looking for thrills
aluminum clanking in my backpack
holding your hand in the pitch black
I reached for the stars with you...
trains and planes
stars and skies
water and roads
all through tired eyes...
back then,
I'd lose sleep if it meant I was with you
back then,
I'd lose convictions if it meant keeping you
years pass and I'm still on the fence
my heart still sits in suspense
because I always thought you'd come back
I always thought you'd see me
though deep down I know I don't want that

you give me nostalgia, baby
I've got butterflies, it's crazy
you are rose colored glasses personified
you are all the romance I have glorified
and sometimes vilified..
after too many faults of past lovers confused my psyche
too many faults of my past loving mocking me... internally...
while externally, you've got me tongue tied and dizzy
I'm falling into a daze from your vibrato
while you strum your guitar and sing in the echo
I just want to stare at your aura
dive right in and start exploring...
got me feeling sensations I haven't felt for so long
vulnerability usually makes me feel weak,
but it's hard to feel anything but stronger
lately
I wanna spend time with you longer
you give me nostalgia, baby
for memories we haven't even made,
it's crazy

Feels like I've got something besides apathy
kicking up gravel in my mind's empty streets...
I haven't bothered paving a path for anyone here,
I'm too tired.
But I'm stimulated around you,
got me ******* wired.
You have ideas, and I've got ideas, I'm inspired.
But vulnerability makes me short-circuit,
just a little bit...
I do better with a mask of confidence, I work it.
But I've got baggage,
and with it I carry so much shame..
I haven't unpacked my suitcases in years,
despite my trip being over the minute I came...
and some I never left...
I'm swimming in seas of my own empathy
turned apathy
turned co-dependency...
my love was never present, I'm never transparent
but I've got so much love to give,
and I'd like to start with you...
you've got me staying up late again,
got me howling at the moon...
I wanna know you, more of you, all of you
I want to see what you feel like
more often than not
give that sweetness, give me gut rot
give me those butterflies, give me a shot
you've got so much of what I want
kiss me before dawn, don't move on

the disappointment of loving
always thirsty for the beginning
always avoiding the ending
even when I know it's time
even when their body feels foreign next to mine
I don't have any more energy to fight
but at least I'm not alone tonight

I keep guilt on me
like a first aid kit at the bottom of a drawstring.
and instead of healing,
I make my own wounds worse.
I want to bring something else there first...
but my shame always beats me to the punch...
apathetically indifferent,
thinking too much...
the most passionate affairs burn up the quickest.
ours was a fever dream, & you were the sickest...
letting you go took a heavy dose of misery,
I've got scar tissue like thick sheets across my psyche.
and it still isn't easy...
my misery keeps finding miserable company.
the farthest thing away from inspiring...
I'd be more ready to move on
if I could just stop moving positions...
but my legs keep falling asleep,
and I'm not good with significant transitions...
but everything in life moves so ******* fast,
no one cares that you knew me in my past
you don't know me in my present.
thinking too much, apathetically indifferent...
and **** your good intentions, I knew you had none
there's never been two people here, only one.
I'm tired of carrying guilt for two
I've got so many other things to do

water rings collecting
from the condensation of my beers on your end table
no air conditioning, summer sweating
water rings reflecting
in the glow from rope lights draped across your ceiling
I remembered every single moment from that night for nine years
and it's those small moments
you tell yourself you'll never forget
so you study every shadow
every sight, every dusty beam of light
but time passes and you still end up forgetting
when you never thought you could
you just keep getting buried
but I'll take whatever I can get
I'm glad I had my camera strapped around my neck
it's how I trapped those memories for only me
back then it was for love
now it's for tragedy
good intentions are fleeting
because in mere moments passing
they're already transforming
you're the cat making biscuits out of my brain matter
years ******* later

I’m not always in a state of tragedy, my art helps take it out of me. Perhaps it’s bittersweet to not always resemble what you create on the surface. I think it just means you have to dig a little deeper. Vulnerability is laboring.