I want authentic honesty
the kind that cuts me open and grips me
the kind that's sinking
but also triggers hoping
for a lesson or a blessing
for a broken curse or a universal testing  
that stretches out my wings and frees me
I do not want anything that is fleeting
I want everything and I want nothing
I've got a lot to say about some things
and a lot to say about nothing
not sure if you're listening
but I want to keep talking
I want to keep this feeling
it's a sign of what makes me unsteady
losing grip of a controlled reality
but I'm too ******* busy
mostly in my brain
you never enter it the same way you came

Textured skin
humans on display
I wanna shed the skin of my insecurities
light it on fire and walk away
ashes to ashes, prices to pay
drowning in societal pressures
every single day
and
I wanna be free from that world
without leaving it
I wanna be free from display
without turning off the spotlight
I like the warmth of connection
waves of sound and light
I wanna be, I wanna feel, alright

Locked inside
the iron shell casing around my brain lately
I don't mean to be moody
I just want different feelings sometimes
Rewriting the rules is my favorite past time
And I know I've got you on the line
Like a bird on a wire in my mind
Softly buzzing
I've been mixing new ideas with yours
And it's put me down an interesting course
I'm not getting lost this time

Happiness can make you feel guilty
A foreign entity you're not used to feeling
But I know I'm deserving
It's been such a long road to happy
A constant state of tragedy is exhausting
And I don't want to feel sorry for finally breathing clean
I feel I've been forever on the other side of me
And the complete opposite of easy street
I don't need to feel guilty for moving
I like the light over here

hollow gazes
overwhelming anger
off & on in stages
boring & predictably maddening
emotionally manipulating
verbally abusing
I never thought I'd end up dealing
with ******* of this caliber
but I had to learn
how to rip it off and burn
like a tick burrowing in to my skin
one pull isn't good enough
there needs to be burn marks or it isn't done
because you were my own personal parasite
a ride or die I didn't ask for, no end in site
when all I want is you to leave me alone
caught me in a vulnerable state
and called it a date
you're delusional if you thought this would last
there's no future here, only a past
no more throat burning nonsense
emotional walls stained with incense
and you claim they're all convictions
that you just happen to forget over night
there's nothing left in me to fight
months of running the **** away from you
told me to go **** myself? you can too
you need someone weaker
and I'm not her

easy to see
who wanted me to stay unhappy
easier to now be exiting
all the boxes I've been put in by others my entire life
it gets so exhausting
codependency lost in a void
any move I make dictated by eggshells I avoid
but I know
it won't break my skin to step down
because even if I step lightly
new fires start after one burns out...
...and they did...
my wounds are still blistering,
but I'm not guilty
and I'm not apologizing.
if you wanted what's best for me, you'd be calling
but it was a connection made in vain
now drown in your own selfish rage
I'm not staying miserable so you stay comfortable
I'm burning this bridge, turning this page
of the chapter that's never closed
with the secrets no one knows
and I don't want to remember
I can't be pulled down a moment longer
I feel so much strong than ever before
I always knew I needed more
so I took it and ran
I'm standing in open land
with shadows and stars
bottomless bowls and dusty bars
I've got sunshine kissing my skin clean
it's easy to see

drunk on bridges
off the wobegon trails
dangling feet over the interstate
looking for thrills
aluminum clanking in my backpack
holding your hand in the pitch black
I reached for the stars with you...
trains and planes
stars and skies
water and roads
all through tired eyes...
back then,
I'd lose sleep if it meant I was with you
back then,
I'd lose convictions if it meant keeping you
years pass and I'm still on the fence
my heart still sits in suspense
because I always thought you'd come back
I always thought you'd see me
though deep down I know I don't want that

you give me nostalgia, baby
I've got butterflies, it's crazy
you are rose colored glasses personified
you are all the romance I have glorified
and sometimes vilified..
after too many faults of past lovers confused my psyche
too many faults of my past loving mocking me... internally...
while externally, you've got me tongue tied and dizzy
I'm falling into a daze from your vibrato
while you strum your guitar and sing in the echo
I just want to stare at your aura
dive right in and start exploring...
got me feeling sensations I haven't felt for so long
vulnerability usually makes me feel weak,
but it's hard to feel anything but stronger
lately
I wanna spend time with you longer
you give me nostalgia, baby
for memories we haven't even made,
it's crazy

Feels like I've got something besides apathy
kicking up gravel in my mind's empty streets...
I haven't bothered paving a path for anyone here,
I'm too tired.
But I'm stimulated around you,
got me ******* wired.
You have ideas, and I've got ideas, I'm inspired.
But vulnerability makes me short-circuit,
just a little bit...
I do better with a mask of confidence, I work it.
But I've got baggage,
and with it I carry so much shame..
I haven't unpacked my suitcases in years,
despite my trip being over the minute I came...
and some I never left...
I'm swimming in seas of my own empathy
turned apathy
turned co-dependency...
my love was never present, I'm never transparent
but I've got so much love to give,
and I'd like to start with you...
you've got me staying up late again,
got me howling at the moon...
I wanna know you, more of you, all of you
I want to see what you feel like
more often than not
give that sweetness, give me gut rot
give me those butterflies, give me a shot
you've got so much of what I want
kiss me before dawn, don't move on

the disappointment of loving
always thirsty for the beginning
always avoiding the ending
even when I know it's time
even when their body feels foreign next to mine
I don't have any more energy to fight
but at least I'm not alone tonight

I keep guilt on me
like a first aid kit at the bottom of a drawstring.
and instead of healing,
I make my own wounds worse.
I want to bring something else there first...
but my shame always beats me to the punch...
apathetically indifferent,
thinking too much...
the most passionate affairs burn up the quickest.
ours was a fever dream, & you were the sickest...
letting you go took a heavy dose of misery,
I've got scar tissue like thick sheets across my psyche.
and it still isn't easy...
my misery keeps finding miserable company.
the farthest thing away from inspiring...
I'd be more ready to move on
if I could just stop moving positions...
but my legs keep falling asleep,
and I'm not good with significant transitions...
but everything in life moves so ******* fast,
no one cares that you knew me in my past
you don't know me in my present.
thinking too much, apathetically indifferent...
and **** your good intentions, I knew you had none
there's never been two people here, only one.
I'm tired of carrying guilt for two
I've got so many other things to do

water rings collecting
from the condensation of my beers on your end table
no air conditioning, summer sweating
water rings reflecting
in the glow from rope lights draped across your ceiling
I remembered every single moment from that night for nine years
and it's those small moments
you tell yourself you'll never forget
so you study every shadow
every sight, every dusty beam of light
but time passes and you still end up forgetting
when you never thought you could
you just keep getting buried
but I'll take whatever I can get
I'm glad I had my camera strapped around my neck
it's how I trapped those memories for only me
back then it was for love
now it's for tragedy
good intentions are fleeting
because in mere moments passing
they're already transforming
you're the cat making biscuits out of my brain matter
years ******* later

I’m not always in a state of tragedy, my art helps take it out of me. Perhaps it’s bittersweet to not always resemble what you create on the surface. I think it just means you have to dig a little deeper. Vulnerability is laboring.

first real love ****
the memories are always distorted
the longer time moves on
and the more time that passes
the more I see everything different
I see images like water flowing over a window pane
sometimes I wish it wasn't so blurry
just like these photos
taken in reflections of a greyhound's windows & ceilings  
it was so cold outside, even for January
I was with someone I loved
but even back then it was blurry
we went to Chicago on an overnight bus
left from Minneapolis on an adventure for us
he took me places
and I took him
he was my gps always leading me somewhere new
a few months later
he left at different stop while I kept riding
I soaked the denim of my mother's jeans
as I cried into her knees
it's been ten years and I think I'm still wandering
melting down ice with my fingertips on windows
following the blurred lights
and while I know I'll never love you again
I'll always love you back then

I chase after melancholy
like a toxic lover I'm begging to stay
by the time I'm back drowning in it
I just want it to go back away...
what a beautiful melody
a symophony of strings playing just for me
bittersweetly...
I carry shame with me like a pocket knife
scar tissue forms no matter how lightly you're cutting
insecurity and jealousy is damaging
I want you to need me
while I don't need anything...
are you waiting for me to write a poem about you?
I'm waiting for too much way too soon...
I don't get nearly as lost as I used to,
just a little confused
everyone else remembers details I never want to
youthful while longing for my youth
if I'm an old soul
I'm a pair of vintage dark blues
freying hems just add to the character
but I'm a little too broken in
so wear me down gently

What we hate in others we often hate first within ourselves. Projections get old and the light eventually burns out. Face the darkness, let it die.

I used to want to live alone more than anything else. It was one of my greatest desires for so many years. Presently, I’ve been living alone for almost two years and I love it. However, during moments of vulnerability, whether I’m sick, experiencing depression lows, or struggling with my anxiety, I always find myself wishing for a friendly or familiar face to pop in my doorway and say hello or just ask how I’m feeling and then pop back out again. I find myself wishing I wasn’t alone more often, even just wishing for the noises of someone else’s presence in the next room, to know someone is near that I know and trust like when I was living with my family. My entire life I’ve been introverted, soaking up my alone time like a sponge and relishing in it. My bedrooms have always been my small spaces of sanctuary for art, expression, meditation. My entire home has become that for me now. I’m so in love with the space I’ve created for myself and I don’t want to disrupt it, but I am always alone now. Maybe I’m not sure what it is I’m craving. I’m working on identifying it every day. I feel so unfulfilled. I used to think I was unsocial, but I think I’m just quiet and reserved. I love to observe and reflect. I love to exist quietly next to people who don’t poke at me for entertainment or answers, but rather just enjoy my company and I enjoy theirs. I’m grateful for friends and acquaintances who enjoy being quiet with me. (And I have them, y’all know who you are, I love you). I think I just miss PEOPLE. Introverted tendencies aside, I have also always been someone who enjoys connecting with others, going out and making new acquaintances, and then going home to enjoy my alone time and recharge. 2020 has made me feel even more disconnected from other humans than ever before. Scrolling social media contributes to my anxiety and panic attacks. When I think about going out and being social outside of my safe spaces (home and work), I feel like I’m going to throw up from anxiety. Imagining someone new to come into my home makes me afraid of that vulnerability. Such a strange feeling to simultaneously desire & fear human connection and vulnerability. I’ve been pushing myself into a dark realm of loneliness for so long now. I’ve isolated myself away from people who try to connect because of insecurities and fear of vulnerability. Fear of being hurt. Fear of letting someone down. I think I’ve let a lot of people down over the years. Guilt is a poison that takes control in small but volatile ways. Guilt and insecure has pushed me back into the shell of myself time and time again. The shell gets old. The shell gets lonely. The shell needs a window or a door, no one knows where to knock anymore.

When I was young
everyone’s house had a signature scent
I’m not sure where time went since then
but nostalgia can still be conjured up so easily
whether it’s from chlorine pools or beef jerky
crisp winter air can make me feel heavy
mixed with stale cigarettes and a chevy
heavy exhaust, oil leaks, rusting
lime chips and PlayStation 3, losing
telling the gas station clerk my boyfriend dumped me
high off fumes of my own misery
it sure liked your company
but I kept things moving
I remember the fresh snowfall on dimly lit streets, burn cruising
cigarette stains on callused fingers catching on the fabric of my jeans
secondhand smoke still smells good to me
depending on what you’re smoking
I want to forget so many feelings
and relive so many more
nostalgia is so thick lately that it’s seeping into my pores
I miss too much
And not enough
I’m not good at showing love

Exuding light still from inside of me
Although small, it is but mighty
My icy exteriors make more room for assuming
I’ve got a heart that’s still beating
Looking for answers & looking for meaning

join me in space
we're getting high on expectations
and lost causes
crushing up dried roses
that I've kept after all this time
and no one knows this
or what the roses really mean
if you think know, you know nothing
it just exists for me
and I want to keep floating
in-between misery and day dreams
I feel safer in the fantasy
of delusion meeting hope for something
for anything

I've been patient since day one
I let you in on my **** since the first run
I was on my knees
I confessed I had to leave
I left claw marks on your back
that bleed through and showed
how hard it was to let you ******* go

They’ll play the villain you keep painting them as if you’re not careful...

They call it it attention deficit
if feels like the ******* opposite
I'm paying too close attention to all of it
and I want you to be good to me
I'm not sure exactly what it is I'm craving
I’m so tired of being villainized
in so many people’s stories
I’m tired of the manipulations of reality
for someone else’s personal glory
your life must be pretty boring
And I get it, living is trouble
and the trouble of it all is living
what someone channels their passion into is telling
and I want to be good to you
but I'm tired, too...
And I know
the other trouble of living
is everything dying
The trouble about knowing the truth
is knowing who is lying
but why do I care what you think about me?
I wish that would just die peacefully
I'm filled with burnt out vessels of energy
thoughts of you, and everyone, harboring
bringing in nothing
I want to feel like I bring something
to the tables I sit at
but lately
I feel like I'm bringing nothing at all

it's so hard to not get caught up
from a swift kick of theatrics to the lip
I'm up quick & ready to hit
my heart racing underneath my ribs
my defense mechanisms are instantly steaming
and going full spead ahead until they're beaming
when really I just wish it would all stop...
I feel like I'm wading in a tide pool of good intentions
until someone's wrong ideas pull me back out
and suddenly I'm drowning
worrying
pathetically
about my reputation or clout
in the end, it's **** that doesn't matter
it's **** that isn't real
because
when you die people won't remember everything you did
they'll remember how you made them feel

old routines are still familiar
like church services every Sunday morning
praise team practice early
the warm sun walking through the parking lot on me
and afterwards getting out as fast as I can
I just hated the lingering
but I was on that stage every Sunday singing
if I could move the elderly in the front rows
my ego was pleased
let's worship jesus on our knees
I never did bend down

this armor is becoming quite heavy
my flesh is rusted chainmail that cuts me
from your view I'm a stormy sea
but I'm calm on the other side of me

Love me not
I’d rather rot

misguided intentions
prevent a moment to pause & think
are you really that interested
or is it an artsy girl kink

because I want to be (and am) more
than a bucket list ****
I've got plenty of loose stitching
and strings of bad luck

intimidating to most,
while intimidated the least
I want my own ******* cake
with a five course feast

easy to romanticize
even harder to shake off
but the easiest to leave
when I've always been a mirage

I want plenty,
and nothing .
I need no one,
and loving.

you told me it's like
i have sparks in my head
i told you i liked
the way i felt in your bed
but choices are choices
and they're mine alone
it's not about feeling small comforts
it's about feeling at home

toxic fumes exuding neater
chapped lips and sterling silver
my love is a broken heater
frosted tips on a heart breaker
balancing ledges over trenches on a gold digger
lighting the match but not pulling the trigger
so get into the depths of it if you're thirsty
I'm on the opposite end of the first me
but lessons aren't always learned pretty...
then in comes symmetry, deja vu city
the mirror glass keeps getting *****
golden hour rear window views are blinding
lost in nostalgic melodies while crying
it's all so overwhelming sometimes...
but I love the melancholy;
if I could, I'd mix it right in to my coffee
I want to re-learn a little vulnerability,
but that always tastes bittersweet

hidden fragments
so far buried beneath my skin
I wanna go back to the when...
the day I met my sin
I wish I could rid you from my skin
you're imprinted deeper than any ink
a tattoo I can't remove without losing limbs
the memories block me from everything
I wish I could win against them
I wish I could find a way to face them
and bury them somewhere else...
I keep trying to bury them in art
and it just keeps getting darker
distance from those years
makes it even colder still
drowning in shades of purples and blues
pretty like a bruise

When I was young, my bedroom was butterfly themed. My mom painted white butterflies on my lilac colored walls. The color matched so well with my mesh butterfly lamp, butterfly picture frames, and butterfly bedspread full of colors of greens, yellow, purples & pinks. My dad has always said it's like I'm chasing butterflies in my head. Having been diagnosed ADD some time ago, this makes a little bit of comical sense. And although I have grown out of, or into, many things from my childhood, I'm definitely still chasing butterflies, same as always.

cracking cold achy knuckles
always happens when I'm nervous
**** your tenderness

**** your expectations & entitlement
to my tenderness & vulnerability
to desire does not mean you will receive
you already made the choice to leave
the first ******* two, three times...
I’m no longer on the other line.
hang the **** up
don’t try a twelfth, thirteenth time
I’m doing just fine

Pandemic levels of confusion
I wanna go back to when it made sense

you are making roots in my chest
that burst through my brain
you drive me insane

there's solace from everything
in blasting nostalgic melodies on a solo drive
these endless connecting grids have helped me survive
time and time again
I continue to run away...
and I always picture the same road whenever I hear this song
I wonder what you're doing
I still wonder what really went wrong
turn up the volume, this road is long...
to no surprise
you were right ******* there
and you always ******* are
nostalgia floods me of that same road in my old car
and I don't even remember the sound of your voice anymore
sometimes I really wish I did
sometimes I really miss it when you were my friend
sometimes I really miss you as my lover too
but things will continue on to their death to re-bloom
and I will too.
because time has passed & I've forgotten the feel of you  
and that's more than okay
what the **** does missing do anyway?
cuts me open again
and with my spills I finger paint
a little dark and ***** is how I still play
waiting for lightning in the pouring rain
gotta stay entertained through the misery someway...
it feels like ecstasy on my skin
purge, pour out, and soak in

I dance with all my demons
But they’ve got no rhythm

you're like a papercut
a quick slice with a week long burn  
I wonder what you're like
when you're not pretending

Spent so much time
being angry at you for leaving
I didn’t realize how much sadness
I’ve been carrying ever since
and I know
I’m so bad at staying consistent
vulnerability doesn’t come easy to me anymore
I feel weak
whenever I let down a wall
open a window
or a door
and
no one ever really gets in
if they do, it’s right before they’re leaving
because time and time again I’m shown
that I’m only here to change a man’s life
not stay in it
thirsty for me to inspire it
to mystify it
to entertain ****
help you see what you’re worth
dig into your layers running deeper than the earth’s
I’m not here to be a muse
without reciprocation of inspiration infused
don’t tell me I’m interesting
and then never ask me anything
I want someone to dig into my layers
like I dig into theirs
but
everyone only stays on the surface
they want to observe me
lay within me
take my vibe in without any hassle
my roots are just as important as my petals
you make it to my soil and you want a medal
that’s something I just don’t have time for
Regardless
I still never wanted you to leave
but I know I make it easy
I want to feel safe enough
to warm up to someone
eventually

problem solving a cryptic
different limbs
warmer, but not quite
textured and scarred
hollowed out and barred
hard to decipher
through all my icy layers
hard to get me to warm up
I want you, but not enough
committing is too tough
disappointing men is my hidden talent
I'm inconsistent
inconclusive
desperately secretive, secretly desperate
to be loved the right way
to love the same way
to trust the hands that hold my heart
for the hidden parts of me I show in my art
to be paired with a free-flowing counterpart
but I am ambivalent about everything
it feels like there's no way of escaping
I want a grand gesture
but I want to be left alone
I want to make art all the time
while listening to the saddest songs I know
it hurts
so ******* good though
I want someone who understands it
and drinks it all in as I pour it
and doesn't choke or sink into the floor with it
I know I'm icy, I'm cryptic
and playing up the part that I'm not a romantic
because if I'm being honest
I'm a lover
and I don't think I was ever yours
cause I didn't want to be just another
I didn't want to be your mother
your therapist, your ***
I felt like a hidden world being left undiscovered
toxic qualities can adapt into healthy lessons learned
but only if you're careful...
my melancholy isn't here to be used for bonding
I don't want to talk in circles
about how we're both sad and longing
lift me up and I'll lift you
keep shining baby and I'll shine back at you
I don't want to be sad in love

I create dream worlds in my head,
an extension of inner self that’s hard to get,
I haven’t seen her face yet

I get so caught up in being a mystery
I forget there’s power in vulnerability
but I’m not here to empower weak men
if they don’t challenge me positively
I will only destroy them,
and swallow whole, on toasted bread
If they can’t empower or inspire me back,
I’m gone, I’m bored, eyes all black
I’m so done giving time I can’t get back

Ingrained in me, stuck with me.
The darkness never really leaves.
It hides until it starts to bleed.
An old friend returning dramatically.
Traumatically.
Bold as can be.
The company longed for by misery.
I’ve become less afraid of it lately.
It’s hiding.
The sun is shining.
I can make it out to the other side fine then.
Just keep finding the light.

I never wanted your hands on me anyway
You haunt me still in so many ways