my memories exist
like cinematic moments
of excellence
of sadness
of beauty
of cruelty
in my mind
all the time
I remember every shadow
every shade of blue
I remember you
I still feel you
I've told you my brain is always busy
I mean it and it's exhausting
I'm stoic and vague
distracted like it's a plague
I've been wearing the same old flannel  
for three ******* weeks straight
I want to be good
I want to feel good
damaged goods
but I'm good

rotting from the inside out
the walls inside of me are bleeding out
I'm indifferent to the crimson
I've always told myself I'm content in this prison
but that isn't born from truth at all
I'm a coward with a long way yet to fall

hard to love
hard to find the time
unambitious obsessive compulsive
the small details are repulsive
reaching for anything to grab on to
under water and blue
you're always wondering what I'm up to
stop saying you want to pick at my brain
I pick at it enough on my own
sometimes I feel that if I screamed loud enough
I could burst myself into flames
passion burns brighter than most things
and winter was more than just a season
it's a state of mind that I'm ready to shake off
where there hell have I been the past three years?
I don't recognize my body
I don't recognize my mind
I'm losing track of time
but I'm on the upswing
at least, I think
I've got to swim, not sink

talking ****
about who's the most authentic
overly obsessed
with aesthetics
only interested
in what someone can offer them
only interested
in what they can gain
it's all the **** same
and I'm so ******* bored
been here so many times before
give me the honest ****
make me almost afraid of it
do no harm but take no ****
that's my aesthetic
but my ego gets in the way too
my shame gets me in trouble
gives me these moody ******* blues
can't help but bring it out on you sometimes
and I say **** I don't mean
I'm a hypocrite cause I just wanna feel seen
and heard
like everyone else
imposter syndrome makes me feel pathetic
what the **** even is aesthetic
just roll with it
get the **** over it

I'm breaking my own heart
every single day
I hate myself in so many unfair ways
I've gotta take it easy
I wish friends stayed friends
I wish it were easier
everything gets in the way
and cliques are ******* lame
I just want some ******* love
but I'm a space case every single day
I'm cold and distance and will push you away
friend or foe
but some day I'm gonna thank my stubbornness
for keeping me ******* alive
I'm ready to thrive
just wanna drive
down every open country road
take away something from the old
find a way in to something with the new
maybe with you
but probably alone
baby I've got the blues

nostalgic
for the honest ****
bathroom floors in friend's apartments
ten dollar bleach kits
orange tint
drinks and joints lit
feeling it now
drunk and confessing my sorrows
high anxiety
because
things come back and bite you if you're not careful
be aware of what you confide in strangers
and
I'm telling myself constantly
to appreciate my privacy
because I always get stuck regretting
the minute after letting someone in
and
back then
it was so easy
the early and mid 20s
lucy changed me
molly made it carefree
while maryjane remains centering
I wonder what you're wondering
are you wondering about me?
no one has ever wanted to know
why it's hard to love me
they only want to know why it wasn't easy
and then leave
some days it's still lonely
pity party planner of one, no need for an RSVP
I know it's only me
in my head, sort of drowning
wandering antique stores, buying stranger's found things
there's magic in the history, sadness in the poetry
rust and broken seams
take my heart strings
pluck them from me
I'd like you to try harder to please me
gotta turn off these ******* feelings first
I forget where this is going

stimulated, unmedicated,
always diving into the void.

also known (to me) as my own brain...
its got its own lane.

made of cobblestone,
maybe some concrete,
sometimes it's nothing but one way streets.

sinning in every direction,
seeing every location,
but I'm always just visiting.

it's been a long journey.
every wrong turn is a discovery.
every right turn,
a fight against misery.

but I'm always just visiting.
always left wondering.
I'm looming with inconsistency.
loving me isn't easy.
nothing like sunday morning.