stimulated, unmedicated,
always diving into the void.

also known (to me) as my own brain...
its got its own lane.

made of cobblestone,
maybe some concrete,
sometimes it's nothing but one way streets.

sinning in every direction,
seeing every location,
but I'm always just visiting.

it's been a long journey.
every wrong turn is a discovery.
every right turn,
a fight against misery.

but I'm always just visiting.
always left wondering.
I'm looming with inconsistency.
loving me isn't easy.
nothing like sunday morning.

never not reminded of my old flames
nostalgia creeps into my brain so many different ways
thinking about warmer days
I've got notebooks filling up their pages
and another past life fades into the background noise
my brain is so busy
feels my talent is being slept on
but everyone feels similarly
everything is so ******* poetic it's overwhelming
but inspiration isn't self sustaining
you've gotta keep that **** alive
and answer when it ******* calls
I have to stop pressing ignore
I have to stop keeping score
I'm capable of so much more
I don't have time for much of anything else
I'm sleeping in on myself

everything feels so heavy
right now I'm feeling spicy
and not very ******* nice
why aren't more fat chicks in magazines
show me that my stretch marks aren't weird things
so many women have a gut
and so ******* what?
I'm tired if it
being programmed to hate myself since I was a child
the only way to fight it
is to love yourself through it
the only true revolution
is with middle fingers up to it
I'm never gonna have a thigh gap and big ***** simultaneously
if you can't love or **** someone for that you're a **** *****
and you could never handle mine
**** the world
I'm gonna love this girl first
you couldn't make me feel any worse
than I make myself feel every day
I gotta look at things a different way
I've got nothing else to say
my goal is health over beauty
mentally, physically
and crawling out of this valley
beautifully
**** this misery

I like listening to albums
when the artist was at their saddest
cut me open again
I glisten in it too
I just wish I could stop being so angry all the time
and see the art in it all like I did back then
I already know the direction you're going
I don't think there's room for my growing there
but I want to be anywhere but here
I feel like I'm thousands of miles away from you
even in the same room
I'm the distant lover you've never wanted
and here you are
wanting me
I like your attitude
***** grips
**** talking past *******
retro vibes echoing under bridges
frost bite on my eyelids
**** I'm tired of feeling so ******* cold
you're gonna blister and burn if you kiss me again
combine my passion with a lack of attention
I'm gonna confuse you and let you down
everything that's ever been
has only been broken
fragments seen again in the small moments
where it all reminds me of everything all over again
nostalgia is a drug and my hibernation den
and I've been trying to write all ******* night
I keep trailing off
thinking about smeared eyeliner and chapped lips
your hands gripping my hips
it's a good time until you can't get me there
I want you here
I just like to feel you inside
I'll take myself on the ride
if you're there to drive
just don't ask me where we're going
I see your soul showing
mine's still hiding
and I'm a sucker for your charms
I like how I feel when I'm in your arms
but I wanna feel that way in my own first
hard to do when I'm dying of thirst
for a little heat in my chest again
or at the least some ******* condensation
melt me down a little more
see what all the old heartbreaks were for
what else do I have to lose

brain won't stop spinning
must be all the sins I'm committing
you've been on my mind all day
want you kiss me again and again
wide eyed
I admire your ambition
give me a fire in my chest
you're a catch 22

finally on the upswing
here you come a' ringing
******* chiming
you made sure it was on snapchat
so it's hidden
old ****** tension still glistening
while she's in the next room sleeping
what kind of man have you become
you said we're done
and we are so done
I'm not gonna scratch that itch  
and although I'm not gonna snitch
I hope someday she sees
that she's loving a little *****
a trash man, baby
you're no man for me, shady

can't help but feel a little bit like a failure
even though I know better
the struggle makes you humble
if it doesn't,
open your eyes wider
overwhelmingly inspired
with too little energy
I've lost the identity
of everything I am mourning
it's a melting *** of sickness
I want to feel less
I want to be more
I've been ****** for so long
that being sober feels like a high
my bad mood killer
my void filler
last night I took a drive around my home town
I drove past every house I've ever had memories in
sort of a crazy behavior
but I'm addicted to the nostalgia within each one
if only I could locate the time frame
in which I stopped being honest with myself
but knowing that won't change the past
starting over is terrifying
I just want something that lasts
longer than my attention span
I want attention and affection
from a real ******* man
who isn't afraid of me
but doesn't scare me either
I know my worth
I have to free her
I have to be her
I need a breather
pass a joint my way