When I saw the rush of red
I panicked
sobered up
Ambien no longer had its sleepy hands around my throat
I threw my silver knight against the shower wall
Ran out shivering and naked into the hallway
Dripping life force
I made the mistake of telling someone
Because only the next day in the white four walled cell containing me
Did I realize how much I wanted to no longer exist
I laid in bed for three days on and off crying and shaking
Finally got released
To an even more cold family
Even more estranged from everyone I know
And everyone that thought they knew me
I act happy jump threw your hoops
Make sure I seem back to normal
And every night go to bed
praying to not wake up in this life

I lied to my mom the other night
About what I had for dinner
With my dad
Because I didn't want her to ask
Why it took so long
To just eat a pizza
And I didn't want her to be sad
About my half-shrug of response

Suicides
Snails swim in salt
Fish fly out of water
Toxic
Toxic
Toxic

Birds stay North for the winter
People trying to swim in the snow
Hypothermia
A slight burn to the nose

Suicides
A rabbit painted yellow
Waiting openly in a field
Flowers remain blossomed
In the frosted winter
A frozen death is brought upon them
Toxic
Toxic
Toxic

Teenagers drinking
Frequently every weekend
Nicotine addictions
Replaced with weeks full of sadness
Withdraw
Withdraw
Withdraw

Suicides
Taking a risk behind the wheel
Never hoping for survival
Diving into shark infested waters
A whole lifetime without breathing
Toxic
Toxic
Toxic

Major addictions
For a feeling
A feeling of magic
Of surreal living
Addicted to an alternative reality
Without a pause
No withdraws
No withdraws

i’ve spent the last
six months of my life
dying to die
with no results.
and in that time i’ve
been walking
on a sidewalk that
is crooked and cracked
into some godforsaken
place. through my journeys
i’ve come to rely
on two certainties:
that i will go to bed
unsatisfied and hungry.

and every night is
a rainy one and cats eat
the fur and bones of dogs dead
in the flooded gutters. the grey
monoliths of the city
are always a step away, but
i don’t get any closer.

and if i could give back
all the cigarette ash and whiskey
i’ve drank i’d do it because
i’d be losing blank meaningless
memories, or at least
they mean nothing to me. i can’t
say the same about
those people in the memories.

and i passed the corner
where i sat drunk on the brick
with my friend, smoking
a cigarette and i remember
telling him that it was
going to be alright. i don’t
know if i was lying or if
i didn’t know the truth
but he left.

and i walked by the home
of my first love and the windows
were dark and the cars were
gone from the driveway.

and i found myself in front
of the house of the girl
i loved who didn’t love me
and the air was black, save
for the glare of a lighter through
the rain and i remembered
a dream i had.

"Come exploring with me, darling
Let's fall in love
By the side of a man-made lake
Which man has lost to time"

Letting gravity take us to its floor
I looked in your eyes
And you looked in mine
But the glances we exchanged
Were radically different somehow

"Hold my hand as I fall asleep
And remind me in the morning
Of how bad my lips tasted
So we can laugh about it
All afternoon"

Lying in that cozy little nest
I was off and on hard through the night
Never really knowing how hard,
As our bodies pressed together,
You were trying to love me too

"Let's ride our bikes
Still through that thunderstorm
Which somehow in all the time that's gone by
Has never ceased to rain."

Even as a writer,  the real world
Often seems too well described by metaphor
(You wrote on cotton candy clouds
"Rain, rain, go away
Come again
Tomorrow")

"And we can stay up late
Rolling joints; smoking six
Remembering all the things"
Through vastly different lenses
"That of course we could never forget"

I was so high that night
That I don't even remember all that happened
So I kind of hope I kissed you
Just to know I kissed you once
Not thinking it was a last kiss

"Maybe someday,
When the sun rises in the window,
We'll know that at the next sunrise
We'll both still be in that bed
Smoking joints and kissing
And falling even further
Into love."

I miss you
On mornings like this one.

"Come exploring with me, darling..."

What do I write
when the ink has seemed to freeze.

I'll stay up until 2 -
or something like that -
trying to get
some words to drip.

These sleepless nights
leaving me with the wonder
if my veins are imprinted in your heart
as yours are in my skin.

Slips of promises
that twinkle in our eyes
seeming to be strangers.

What is running through these memories.

"Cigarettes are nasty"
smoke flows out of us
onto that slab of concrete
we called home.

Burn marks
leaving the same scar
as your touch.

My life is a cycle of the same mistakes
with the consequences violently increasing all of the time
But my world could fall apart around me, and I wouldn't blink

Foolishly, I try to tell myself how I've learned from my mistakes
But only on nights like these
4 AM. Alone.
Will I let my mind wander towards my reality

It's nights like these when I can feel true terror
I hate my past, but fear my future
Not because I know where I am headed
But because I have no motivation to change

I have yet to even consider what I might choose as a career
I have absolutely no passions
I don't see myself living beyond 30
But my real fear lies in the fact that I don't care

But in about 8 hours I will wake up, and push it out of my mind
And you and I might sit, making dumb jokes about irrelevant mistakes
And I will tell myself it's fine, I'm fine
And so the cycle continues

I wish I hadn't been here before
I wish I didn't know what you'd say if I told you the truth
I wish there was a chance
But I know all too well

So I keep pretending

you've taught me
how to turn myself
inside out
and come home.

frozen blades of grass
brushing worn soles
cushioning the pathway
back to your house.
I passed out
and dreamt that familiar faces
swore for a world without me.
I believed them
unconsciously pouring out more tears.
broken nervous words.

I know the roads
that will take me to your street.
too terrified to walk
knowing that it's abandoned
leaving broken glass stuck in my feet.

I've laid here long enough
to realize the pain in my stomach.
Who are we to become so busy?
Who are we to forget?

Holding back
as lines start to blur
we forget who we were
with no answers on what to fix.

cold nights shake me.

"I'll stop believing in you
when you stop being real."