isn't it amazing how time flies by us
day to day we see the same person in the mirror
and those around us haven't changed either
but when you look back a year from today
you really see just how much damage or good
365 days
8760 hours
525,600 minutes
or 31,536,000 seconds
can do to a person

after a series of what I can now see
were clearly one-sided encounters
of genuine flirtation
came the period of silence
from your lying lips
and now you've managed
somehow
to plant those lips on mine
for an awkward and forced moment
that was in no way returned
and have the audacity to muster the sentence
"I still got it"

if drugs are so freeing then why are all my friends confined
bedrooms, bathrooms, back rooms
falling from grace in privacy

tv tells a story of an all-at-once catastrophe
but addiction looks different close up

you can be coy and cocky all in the same breath
I want to suffocate you in these moments
all I know of you; drug use, mixed signals, and your extensive knowledge of how a truck runs
fascinating

so what made you so alluring?

was it the way you sat next to me without even introducing yourself
and grabbed my hand as if we'd known each other already?
or how you would ditch your buddies for a night of partying with me
and we'd hide away sharing stories
sharing lines

whatever was there is now gone
take your drunken kisses elsewhere

alcohol and *** are a funny combination
leaving a night full of inebriated fun feeling scandalous
sharing a walk of shame to the local 7-11
and feeling patriotic when we make it to the 4am game at TCs

I feel out of place and unwelcome
an extra in a circle of people closer to each other than they are to me
maybe it's because my best friend was so embarrassed by what I act like when I'm angry-drunk she won't accept my apology
or another close friend always chooses herself over me time and time again
so I'm just wondering if everybody makes mistakes then how come not everybody sees their own?

nostalgia is for the weak
and I am stronger than I've ever been
so why am I homesick for you

maybe when your name ceases to so rudely crumble from my lips
I'll be okay
(or maybe I won't)

the moments spent in these last 4 years
can mostly be described the same way
simply for the fact that you were there

desperately fumbling for a chance at erasing the old me
(but I don't want to forget the old you)

after hours my thoughts trudge through loneliness
get deeper into the abyss
dig your own grave
push yourself into that corner
cry your silent tears while people stare from behind their technology
dare to ask me if I'm okay
if you even remember to
same old sad story: sequel, spin-off, and adaptation
feelings aren't real
they are only in your head

where else would they be?

Emotionally vacant, I sit and pretend to be
And like a gloomy shadow your words hover over me

I'm drowning in a sea of regret and hopelessness
I long for the day I'll be able to fix this mess

We can prove to the majority that we were in the right
You know, it's not like I ever really gave up that fight

things used to be fun around here
now the walls are full of secrets
birth control and drugs
cheating scandals that might as well be flashed on the front of a paper
friendships severed by the looming promise of anxiety
depression swallows any hope of a hang out
Im sick of my friends being sick

I never thought I would miss the smell of cigarettes
or the way saying sorry a million times over felt in my mouth.
I never thought the things I couldn't live without were teasing you
and ******* like it would be the last thing we did.
I knew that some day I would regret not letting you taste me on that beach
but how could I foresee that you would have been so excited to run your hands on my body that night.
An electric charge that had built up only to be released in the form of a number 69,
something about a missionary, and a cowgirl.

When does my apprehensive foot step over the mythical dotted line?
Did my tired eyes see too far into the tender words you ****** upon my delicate soul?
I am but a flower in a garden of potential love; almost love.

You write me a story overflowing with great intention but of what?
A special appeal is a soft hand tucked between the overworked creases of yours.
My tired eyes see not only what they want to but what they are willing to.
Is that enough?

sometimes I regret that we are not sitting in your bedroom dropping acid
or that we haven't taken drugs that make us want to walk around town
in the glistening 3am winter

sometimes I miss drinking Jameson with you
stumbling home from a party up the road to find a nice soft dirt trail
to fumble around in for a while

sometimes I miss smoking Export A's, one after the another
inhaling the toxic fumes like I inhaled your presence
until the whole pack was gone
inevitably, just like you always were by the end of the week

but now I'm doing greater things than snorting lines and drinking away the pain you caused
I have ambitions and I'm getting out of this god forsaken **** hole

I am apologetic that I could not save you
and that when you were on the path to being saved
I was a liability that may have ultimately caused your eventual demise

now you are rotting away in a place I never saw you in
you are a person I never wanted you to be and never thought you could be

this is the person everybody else saw and told me to run from
while I was batting my eyelashes and losing sleep

I am at a terrible loss for words even though I have just written so many

if there is a heaven and hell I know where I'll end up
I should've burst into flames the moment our clothes came off
because you tasting me on church property was a sin I won't repent

I always make sure if the devil is watching he gets a good show
I want a good seat when it's my turn to burn

the grinding routine weathers on your adventurous heart
sit and wait
wait for the right moment to follow your childhood dream
wait until the skin around your plump lips becomes withered and concealed with miniscule lines
don't make your move until upon your beige walls your college degree sits
until the child you kept in your body for months is well grown
wait until the right moment
wait until you're ready
tick tock tick tock

where we were last year was galaxies away from this
maybe you don't see it like I do
I'd give a lot to be there again but I wouldn't give everything
our *****-soaked friendship has been forever changed
by a few wrong decisions and a lack of words exchanged

I ache for the time when memories of you consisted of more than
embarrassment
and bold faced lies

When I didn't have to look back and cringe
Because even now, the conversations that include your name are ones where
I find out the truth

And I weep for the moments of comfort and happiness I shared with you
Even though those moments were genuine, they were tainted

You traipsed around with traces of other girls on your sweater
And I was too naive to notice
anything but the rhythm of your breath

I placed my gaze dangerously on the abyss.
I didn't jump.
Instead I pondered it.
"Nobody understands." I thought.
I felt the anxiety and sadness to its full force.
I let the curiosity of no return overwhelm me.
I suddenly felt such a passion and love for the life within me.
Where did such a love come from?
All the time leading up to this I'd felt it wither away and now,
when I decide I'm done with it, it comes back.
I've been cheated.
My own heart tells my mind lies.
Are they not friends?
Other people can let go; free fall. Not me.
Though many times I've convinced myself I would jump, I was lying.
Though many times I've convinced myself that I was over you, I was once again lying.
In previous dreams this would be the part where I would back away from the ledge; I'd reel you in.
Only this time, you showed up and pushed me over the edge.
Everything was different now.
Forever?
I had wanted this, hadn't I?
The sad part is that even though you caused this suicide to be a ******, I will forgive you.

I melt like putty in your hands
maleable for your words
a sucker for your eyes
and still I know that it's all for lies
you don't really love me
you love the sneaking and the deceit
you love pulling me in just to push me away
I know because I did it to you first
and now I know how much it hurts

I could play it over a thousand times
and still, nothing would become of it
because you are you
and I am me
nothing more than late night flirting to tie us.

So why, when I think of the sweet words
and the promises of the time we'll spend
arms and legs tangled
my head resting on your shoulder
do I become faint-hearted?

A message that was not meant for me
had been delivered anyway
and now I hear nothing but guilty silence
coming from where I once heard
booming cries of "I want you."

I laid my strung out heart down
to a night of slumber for my drained and tired brain
only to find in the surreal world of my mind
a feeling of a different kind
a twist of emotion or a love-drenched notion
reminding me that feelings come and go
but once a lover, always a lover

my heart withered from your poison ivy touch
every inch of me itching to burn you down
to find your roots, to chop them up
so that you would never grow again

instead I rushed the other way
out of your toxic and treacherous grasp
I am free yet confined in these ivy leaves
now dead and brown
no life left
no fight left

you're out of my sight and i'm out of your mind
somewhere in between is what we lost so long ago
even though we haven't exchanged anything more than a glare
in the past couple years
I think of you every day
I search for you in everyone
and I am not prepared to watch your fingers spin records
nor do I want to see people enjoying your presence
mostly because I can't
you used to be the bad boy who was good for me (or so I thought)
now you are memories of a different time
I wonder if you ever sit alone and think of how I'm doing

when my name falls from someone's lips do you look up?

it wavers back and forth like the moon and the sun switch places
I think it's because I loved you too much
that now I don't know how not to

on days where the sun shines brighter than your eyes ever sparkled
I don't miss you
on days where my mood slips I find comfort in torturing myself with what could have been

some place inside my mind I know that first loves are a lesson
and I wish us both content at the least

every time I close my eyes
I picture your pulsing veins
your overly exposed pupils
they stare at my soul
if you ever left where you hide
maybe your shaky hands
and your cigarette stained mouth
could find comfort in living
outside the hell hole called the Harvies

you used to tell me you'd follow me into the dark
but now I'm sure you wouldn't even glance at me in the light
after all we've been through, here I am, frozen and stark
oh what I'd give for one more late night fight
ending in twisted sheets
and you'd kiss the tears off my sullen face
remind me of the time our eyes would first meet

the moment I realized that it wasn't your crooked smile I was craving
was the moment I set myself free
you don't need a significant other to spend your days well
but my oh my, does it help time pass
one day I will find my next true love
and perhaps that one day, that too will end and I'll have to try another one on for size
there are billions of people on this earth
the simplicity of the odds are firm proof that one day someone will be waiting for you
you just haven't met them yet

a piece of advice I took with no regret
"don't spend your time with a living cigarette"
he'll hook you and whisper sweet nothings in your ear
and before your pretty doe eyes will he disappear
a smoker is a joker and you're not in on this one
though it may seem like you're his babe and his ***
he burns quick and bright, you'll always want more
you'll lick your lips forever like a cigarette *****

you spray deadly venom in the form of words
in the direction of which I unsteadily stand

with your intention to maim
my solemness fazes you

for though I am writhing in pain
it hides within me
I will give you no such thing as satisfaction
in the way of your tauntingly soulless heart
having license to see the battle going on inside of me

if the monster has never touched you then consider yourself lucky
your thoughts, actions, and daily routines revolve around the monster
it eats you up and takes you over
it scratches at the back of your mind with razor sharp claws,
laughing while you **** yourself trying to fix everything
it wants you to hate yourself
it ruins you with the idea of perfect
the problem with perfect is that it's unattainable and out of reach
and you won't ask for help because you're never sick enough
you're useless and disgusting and you have no will power
the monster won't let you forget it

so if the monster ever tries to introduce itself to you
run as fast as you can the other way
and don't ******* look back

In need of adventure
instead in my room, I sit
kept in this dreadful town
by promises
by bridges about to crumble
but nonetheless, bridges I do not want to burn

I need a different time zone or area code
the 604 ain't doing it no more

new days overflowing with challenge await
I can feel it on every freckle

when people talk about love
and falling so ridiculously, and hopelessly hard for somebody it hurts
a name might come to mind

12 months have passed and you might say
through trial and error one could succeed at erasing that name
when people talk about love
and falling so ridiculously, and hopelessly hard for somebody it hurts

but 12 months is seconds when it comes to feelings
and when you've fallen so hard your heart is bruised
a 12 month bandaid won't fix it