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Oct 2020 · 642
The Book of Shadows
Emily Tucker Oct 2020
Being sober *****
Being high *****
But there’s some moments, very minuscule moments that hit the sweet spot
The good news is that these sweet spots reside in sobriety
The bad news is also the good news
But really where is the ******* balance?
Is there even a balance?
Is there a reality for me where I can find happiness in sobriety?
Because frankly, I want the best of both worlds.
And yeah, maybe I might be naïve...

Maybe one day I might find sobriety.
Nov 2019 · 596
Lost
Emily Tucker Nov 2019
I can't even write anymore.
Jul 2019 · 892
The Renewal
Emily Tucker Jul 2019
Have you ever been so anxious your body is frozen yet running a million miles?

Have you ever been so anxious you can feel your heart pounding through your sternum?

Do you remember that feeling of anxiety the first and last time you involuntary participated?

Because the worst pain, is believing you remember the feeling the first time; the last is so much worse.

The renewal. The ritual. The regression.

The process in which one is broken; the ritual.

Becoming healed; the renewal.

Then torn apart worse than before; the regression.

Do you cope with unhealthy habits?

Do you taste your moonshine alone?

Do you become destructive and deadly towards yourself or others?

This part of you is ingrained.

This is you.

This was always you...

The renewal. The ritual. And the regression.
Mar 2019 · 152
Goodnight
Emily Tucker Mar 2019
I want to be good enough. I know I am already, but that doesn’t stop this everlasting feeling of not being enough. I’ve never been more sure in my life time of my commitment to this truth. I know I can be the one. I know I can be the best for you and for me. Maybe I already am. But I don’t feel good enough, I’m not satisfied. These dark roots grow inside of me and cannot be pulled by hands. These roots are veins, these roots are me and there is no removing myself from me without the consequence of someone else. I am indecisive. I am sparstic. I am inconsistent. But I am always loving, I am always able to love you unconditionally, I am always going to give you my head and heart. Because this is me. This is who I am. And I am enough. Now I just focus on the feeling of being enough.
Jul 2018 · 279
A Diamond in the Rough
Emily Tucker Jul 2018
Stop reading me like paper. I feel uncomfortable and weak when you pick me up like a book. Stop pointing out my ticks and minor twitches. They arent for your eyes.
Stop digging deeper than everyone else, I’ve hidden myself deeper than an unknown sea. I’m not any treasure. Not a pearl or red ruby. But rather a cold stone, leave me be. Let me thrive alone.
Jul 2018 · 788
The Truthers
Emily Tucker Jul 2018
I feel trapped in my own skin. And even though there are a plentiful amount of rips at the surface I can’t seem to scratch through. It seems like I fell into a hole where there is one way in and out. My problem. Is that I can’t seem to climb out. Although I’m stuck in this hole I have many friends. Anxiety, depression, pain. Sometimes guilt chimes into the conversations I carry out with everyone else. Anxiety swallows my attention from time to time while depression sticks by my side like a leech on an animal. Never letting go, never moving on. Pain only listens and slithers an opinion when anxiety speaks up. While guilt seems to be alone most of the time; she speaks through depression who lives by my side when she feels the need to say something important. I can’t silence my friends anymore. Truth be told, I enjoy their company now. At first I believed they were liars. But after getting to know everyone better. I realize that there really isn’t a way out of the hole. And nobody will ever reach down far enough to pull me out. Because I am stuck. Because I no longer want to be pulled out.
Feb 2018 · 817
Frostbite
Emily Tucker Feb 2018
My hands wrap around the end of my sleeves, cutting off the chilling air; avoiding hypothermia. Although, my finger is curious to feel frost. Slowly, it creeps to the tip of my sleeve. Thankfully the slight chill warns me. Any further and I would have been bitten. For frost bites.
My legs are locked like lifeless rocks at the bottom of an ocean. The tear I shed from my eye is crisp and cold on my swollen face. In front of me are frozen foot steps pacing in past on the asphalt street. A roadside light gleams down thirty paces away. The wind is silent. The street is clear.
In fact, all that speaks is my mind. Body as motionless as the dead, yet my lungs still fill with air and my heart continues to pump blood through my veins. I am heavy in thought; heavy in feeling. I can't seem to move my motionless limbs. I rather fall to the bitter pavement and let my dreams abduct me in rest. For I am tired. I am weak. And I am heavy.
Oct 2017 · 217
skin
Emily Tucker Oct 2017
Have you ever felt like a shell? As in, your physical skin is a shell. Something you could so easily shed off, like a snake. Or a nimble insect. Yet you cant. And with this feeling - you carry locks, and lock pads and heavy weights. You are forced to see the world around you through the light of your eyes no matter how hard you wish escaping into your dreams was a reality. You are trapped. Trapped in your thoughts... And in your skin.
Oct 2017 · 417
Nutrients & Life
Emily Tucker Oct 2017
You. You gave me these demons, and this poisoned blood that runs through my ******* veins. Before I had a choice in the matter you ****** my life. Because of you I am broken. Because of you I am fighting for air at the bottom of what seems to be a bottomless ocean.
Before I could breathe, you started drowning me in chemicals I couldn’t resist. When I was born my lungs breathed the cigarette smoke you blew and the cruel words you spilled. Because of you, I am dead on the inside and still trying to find a ******* way out.
Because of you I cried myself to sleep and slit my wrists over and over and over for so many years it could be someone’s entire lifetime. Because of you, and your influence on me – I am the person I am. Yet I'm not terrible.
Because of you, I know how to become something better. Because of you I can run face first down the right path rather than following yours. Because of you ill give my baby nutrients and life, rather than chemicals and a cynically written poem about how you destroyed mine before I got the chance to construct and create my own.
Jun 2017 · 670
I am a book
Emily Tucker Jun 2017
Some days I hurt a lot. Some days I don’t hurt at all. Some days im really happy and others I feel numb. I don’t care. I don’t want to feel or think. I am as meaningful as the books on a bookshelf in a high school, English classroom; looked at by everyone, but never touched. Never loved. But when one person picks a book, and reads. The book then becomes useful. Representing the good days; when im happy.
Some days im a book being read, and others I am waiting for another person to read my pages. This analogy is difficult. You see, Someone might be interested in book and so they read, but once they are finished. They know the story, they know everything there is to know, and so they move on to a new book and place the finished book back on the shelf. Some people never finish the book and lose interest halfway through. Some people judge the cover and put it back on the shelf.
So you can see why I feel like a book. Im used, like a book. Someone walks into my life and asks for my story; and I show them, I tell them, I express myself. Yet as soon as the story ends, and there is no mystery left in me for them to explore, they walk away. Some people take one look at me and hate the way I look, so that person will never give me the opportunity of day to say “hello”. Or “goodbye”. I am irrelevant. I am a book.
May 2017 · 378
Here
Emily Tucker May 2017
" You might leave. But the best part, is i'll always be here. If you come back or not. I'll be here."
Apr 2017 · 478
Falling out
Emily Tucker Apr 2017
I believe falling in love, is a breed of pain.
You see, we learn to fall in love with people. Slowly depending on the other for emotion, affection, and joy. But once separated... We have accustomed our terms from "falling in" into "falling out". Yet in reality, the heartbreak we experience is just another form. The lust for affection in a positive response is only changed into the affection in a negative response.
Which would only explain as to how people are scared to fall in. Sooner or later, you will fall out.
Dec 2016 · 1.2k
Schotoma
Emily Tucker Dec 2016
"Schotoma"
A partial loss of vision or blind spot in an otherwise normal visual field.

In a way, we all ignore the obvious things in front of us without realization of ignorance. I remained oblivious.

Oblivious to the boy in the corner who knew I was beautiful before I came to the realization myself. I remained ignorant.

Ignorant to love I didn't believe I deserved; we accept the love we think we deserve.

I have come to understand, I deserve a lot more than I once believed.
Dec 2016 · 3.4k
Teach Me How To Love
Emily Tucker Dec 2016
Teach me how to love again.
Teach me to love again.

- One word can change the meaning of a simple sentence.

But that is not my argue. You see, I lost the love I thought I understood then replaced with a caring heart. A caring soul.

Which once I believed was love; was abuse. And now left curious wondering through time like a drunk cat becoming ever so curious.

Am I leaning to far on my heels?
Will curiosity **** me like our dear friend?
Will I shrivel into a mindless existence?
Who will I lose?
Who can I love?

Teach me to love again... For I want to love you.
Nov 2016 · 801
stranger, friend; foe
Emily Tucker Nov 2016
We accept the love we think we deserve.

Why am I to accept the love from a stranger than a friend; a foe.
May 2016 · 562
Simplicity
Emily Tucker May 2016
Cutting -


feels worse then so much better.
Feb 2016 · 533
Love is no age
Emily Tucker Feb 2016
How dare you give love an age.
I am not to be named an age where love begins or ends.
We are born of heart, born of feeling, born of emotion.
To be born of emotion you must be alive with capability of all feeling, including love.
Young heart, soul; lovely amour.
Feb 2016 · 607
Written Language
Emily Tucker Feb 2016
Blades split my wrists.
Pills fill my stomach.
Fourteen years young yearning for eternal rest.
But why must these thoughts consume my mind in class? At home?
Deathly shadows hold hands; wrapping around craniums boney crown, through eyes, finger tips and toes. Sealed from mouths, sound never escapes thy lips. In death, and in life. For blades will always speak a written language on arms and thighs that can never be told through expression of word.
Feb 2016 · 597
Living
Emily Tucker Feb 2016
To live safe, isn't living. To always obey, to follow all rules and guidelines...

Living is occasionally defy parents, living is breaking rules carefully and cautiously. Maybe being safe is perfectly fine with you, but the adrenaline... You haven't lived until you've felt that specific rush, whether its lust or sin, you haven't lived. You haven't enjoyed the big experiences. The memorable ones. The ones that you bring to your death bed.
Oct 2015 · 349
Take Away The Pain
Emily Tucker Oct 2015
Smoke a blunt, roll a joint, light a pipe, fill a ****. You take away that awful feeling inside of me. Numbing the pain when metal tears my pink flesh into an array of ****** lines and designs. Forgetting the feeling of ripping my arms and thighs apart the next morning because the marijuana was to strong. I deserved it, deserve to hurt emotionally to the point that it is physical. I deserve to lay in darkness and let my thoughts suffocate what little hope I have left. I am a cynical and nobody realizes it, afraid that no soul, body or image will ever understand my thinking process or inner feelings. I want to be found, I want to feel free for one second… But that is no longer an option. You see, I have been lost for years, drowning in my mistakes…

“We are all suicidal children telling other suicidal children it will be okay –Emily Tucker”. There is a much worse punishment than death; living.
Oct 2015 · 608
Silver Blades
Emily Tucker Oct 2015
Shiny soft medal between my fingers, so sharp and slick.

Like a drug you're used again and again till I pass out of blood loss.

Constantly on my mind like a new lover, such a dreadful thing yet my only medication.

Hurting to only relive broken hearts and condensed souls.

Just as deadly as a cigarette in the mouth; life slowly fades from my wrists and thighs.

*Buts it's okay.. I wanted to die anyways.
Oct 2015 · 512
I don't care
Emily Tucker Oct 2015
We are all ****** anyways...
Aug 2015 · 640
What used to be
Emily Tucker Aug 2015
we were the perfect two but it hurt so        
        much & now we are through..
Jul 2015 · 483
Wicked
Emily Tucker Jul 2015
We are only as wicked
     As we make ourselves
           Out to be.
Jun 2015 · 497
Suicidal Line
Emily Tucker Jun 2015
We tell one another life is great.
Yet we all want to die,
suicidal children trying not to cry
We tell one another to put the blade down by the bed,
Holding a six inch barrel to our head.
One click, one push, maybe before a joint of some kush to ease the thoughts while pulling the trigger back, body on the floor blood oozing through a skulls crack. Screams come from left to right~the girl is dead. So whos next in line? The young boy whos got a rope, a stool and some time.
Jun 2015 · 2.4k
You Told Me
Emily Tucker Jun 2015
You told me to smile
   You told me to laugh

And i tried

You told me to be happy
  You told me to stay strong

And i attempted

You told me you loved me
  You told me everything was fine

And i listened

You told me she was just a friend
  You told me i ment the world to you

And i believed

I told myself something was wrong
  I told myself not to listen to your lies

And i was right
Jun 2015 · 2.1k
Pretty Pretty Dancer
Emily Tucker Jun 2015
Pretty pretty dancer smile for the crowed

Pretty pretty dancer live, love and laugh out loud

Pretty pretty dancer put down that blade

Pretty pretty dancer your smile starts to fade

Pretty pretty dancer what have you done?

Pretty pretty dancer is gone, dead and done...
Jun 2015 · 434
Loves War
Emily Tucker Jun 2015
Warm and comforting, soft and smooth. Lost in thought but not confused.
I am lost. I've been lost. Lost inside myself prying open the walls of hate. into a war, a war of chance, a war or either taking a beautiful path or falling back into a world of chains.

But i have won and am no longer lost, as you have fought by my side, taking on eachothers demons. You press your soft lips onto mine ~ bombs fall; the war is done. And we have one. Together.. You and I, stronger as one than two our love is worth the fight. ~And i love you~
May 2015 · 532
Take me home
Emily Tucker May 2015
When the night comes out
                                 So does the blade and tears.


When the day comes out
             so does the smiles and sweatshirt

                    
                                                    When your home alone
                                                              the thoughts eat you alive


                    & when your home alone to long...


  you feel unsafe... unsafe at your home?



            Home should be safe...



                                                    So when home isn't safe then what is safe?
Mar 2015 · 453
Who are you..?
Emily Tucker Mar 2015
You are the poison injected into my veins.
Spinning my world round and round, breathing with the relieve of soul.

My fingers become numb as my body sways side to side hardly holding in place. You pulse through my heart and brain making hallucinations stronger.
Cheeks becoming hot as if you were a curling iorn touching my skin.
Falling on the couch you take the lead as my legs become heavy.
Un able to move.. Un able to speak, you have taken my heart to its last beat. Yet you aren't a person, not even close.
So who are you?

******...
Mar 2015 · 508
"120"
Emily Tucker Mar 2015
The sound of her voice travels no more than a foot or two..
Devastated & sinking in thought,
"120" repeats in her head pounding her heart & demolishing her soul.

Her only light of happiness is gone, walls breaking down; crashing fast.

. Blood curling screams that make ears ache. Tearing at impossible wall's to break.
The grey shades are fading in...
So is the knife deep in her skin...
Feb 2015 · 497
Blood
Emily Tucker Feb 2015
The blood that runs through her veins leak on top the warm water in the bath tub.
The feeling of not caring,
the sound of utter silence.
To see the real world around her.
To understand what is right and what is wrong.
Feeling useless and tired.
Hungry and broken.
All because of a simple mistake
because of life.
To only see hidden shades of grey upon the earth
to not feel happiness, only sorrow, only misery.
Watching the blood roll down her arms into the bath tub then turning in a red sprawl of design floating in the water then disappearing out of sight leaving a streak of blood on her arm.
Eye's burning with tears,
soul's screaming with sorrow
the last breath of the night
she's giving in towards her fight
there is no more light...
The sad thing is that somewhere this is happening...
Feb 2015 · 509
Red Rose
Emily Tucker Feb 2015
The beautiful pedals on a rose shine vibrant with sunlight. Morning dew still lies on top of the white veins in the flower.
Society is calling its hour
They say we fight for peace and freedom but do we really?
Or do we fight of judgment and sorrow…
Every day's hour is calling for tomorrow.
Girls walk and boys play
As the rose is watching from far away.
Poison hits the air when she gossips her words
Another sound of judgment is passed on to snitching birds
Spreading like fire through day and night
Electricity is in this fight
The boys are viewed as tough not weak
Squishing girls underneath their cheek
This is an injustice
This is not right
To have society let the man go who caused a fight
To let him walk with his sin of ****
While the girl sits alone listening to a single song tape
How is this justice to let him go
The young girl sits watching & breaking on her own.
She is now broken for life
A memory that’s placed as quickly as a clasp knife
To hide behind smiles and lies
This man will strike a again…
While the red rose dies.
Feb 2015 · 547
Society
Emily Tucker Feb 2015
Why must the loveliest things also be the ugliest things?
Why must we have to suffer?
They tell you to be yourself
And then you get judged.
They tell you to stand tall
But they break your back.
They tell you to be strong
But they pound you over and over until the words make you bleed
They pick you up and make you love them again
Then they cut your skin & tear your back.
Why must the loveliest things be the ugliest things?
Feb 2015 · 390
she is free
Emily Tucker Feb 2015
She believes in the kindness of strangers,
she believes in hope.
And when she speaks, all the world listens because her voice is beautiful.

She speaks...
"who are you?
Can you be in touch with all your darkest fantasies?
Have you created a life for yourself where you can experience them?
I have....
And I'm crazy.
But I am free..."
Feb 2015 · 4.3k
Sparkle
Emily Tucker Feb 2015
I sit here thinking, about you. Nothing more, nothing less...

I think about us, I think about the way you use to look at me, when your eyes sparkled with a perfect smile. Then I look at myself and all I see is pain, regret and loss.

Sometimes I wonder why I still fall for you, why I still love you. But it's a question I can't answer, maybe it's because you made me feel special, little by little I realize all you’re doing is the same thing to every girl you kiss, every girl you trick into your own joy and happiness till you feel like you should move on. I hate you with a passion yet I still love that sparkle in your eyes...

— The End —