Em - Hello Poetry

Em Jan 2015

I hate myself.
I hate myself so much for allowing people to have such control over me and my emotions.
I hate that I let my hopes up, that I actually let myself believe that maybe this time things will be different.
I hate myself for never being satisfied.
I hate that I can't ever be content with being alone; but maybe it's not alone that I'm not content with, maybe I'm just not content with the loneliness. Oh, how I hate my undying need to be loyal to people I barely even know, to ensure their happiness.
Maybe something is wrong with me.
I hate myself because no matter what happens I can't bring myself to hate you.
I can't hate you because you ignore me.
I can't hate you because you only acknowledge me when it's convenient for you.
I can't hate you because you make me happy, giddy, sad, mad, depressed, lonely, all at once.
I simply cannot hate you..
because you make me feel.

Written 1.12.15

Em Jan 2015

Eventually

Soon we'll become distant..
We'll stop talking everyday
Eventually even altogether.

It'll be hard at first.
Hard to resist the urge to ask how you are,
To wish you good luck with your day.
But eventually, I won't miss it at all.

Eventually I won't miss the way you make me smile at the end of the day,
comfort me,
or talk with me about our problems.
No, eventually I won't miss it at all.

One day soon I won't even remember what you look like,
what you sound like,
smelt like,
felt like.

One day soon all I will have left is a name attached to memories.
Memories of comfort, butterflies, heartache, pain, and everything in between.
Eventually that will be the outcome.

But eventually, I'll find someone to replace you,
to replace those feelings,
to replace this void.

Eventually, someone will surprise me and stay.

Written 1.4.15

Em Jan 2015

idk

Why am I doing this to myself?
This is exactly what I let myself go through two years ago.
I literally spend all day being angry at you but as soon as I see a message from you I seem to forget it.
Why?
What is it about you that makes me feel so invincible?
What makes me think that any part of what you say is true and that you won't just leave when you're through with me just like every other person before you.
How can I even begin to think that this is different?
I can't stop myself from falling.
I've ignored all of the red flags, passed all of the danger signs.
It's as if I'm coming up to a cliff and can't help but peek over.
I know that you're coming from behind just to push me over.
You won't fall with me.
We won't land together.
I'll eventually realize I'm falling by myself, and when I reach the bottom I'll be the only one there to pick up the pieces.

written 1.3.15

Em Jan 2015

waiting.. waiting.. waiting..

Reflecting back on this past year irritates me, almost to anger. Why did I spend so much time waiting for you? How could I be so stupid. Often my mind ventures to ask the bold question of "how are you now". So much has evolved, changed, started over, been made fresh. Yet, there remains that one thing, constant as the sun rising in the east. I've watched, I've waited. I've loved, I've hated. None of which change how I feel for you. Some days, I love you so much that it physically hurts. Perhaps I always will. But I laugh at myself when I realize how long I spent waiting for you to make up your mind. It ends now. I'm done waiting.

Written 12.31.14

Em Jan 2015

is that too much to ask?

What is like to be wanted? To be craved in every aspect? To have some one who simply longs to be in your company? This is a feeling that I am unaccustomed too. I would not know it if I was feeling it; however, I am certain that I want it. I want it for you, for me, for us. I want you to crave me like that. To simply desire me to be with you. My touch, sent, laughter, warmth, voice, my everything. Want me like I want you. Surely, that is all I want.

Written 1.1.15

Em Dec 2014

Or Maybe I Don't Want To

Even from a thousand miles away, I'm fascinated by you.
I'm jealous of the ones who get to see you daily,
who get to hear your laugh,
comfort you when you're down,
and those who get to hold you close.
Life likes to play tricks on us.
Every time things start to look up for me, I always **** it up because I can't let go of you.
Life likes to make us feel like we're worth something to those we care about.
But your actions have always spoken louder than words.
And your actions, well they tell me I'm worthless.
But for some reason I just can't seem to listen...

Written 12.18.14

Em Dec 2014

Silence

I sit in silence.
I hear everything, yet nothing.
I wish I could hear your voice,
A still small voice beyond the noise.

Nothing seems to make sense...