Do you remember how it felt the first date, the first kiss, the first time you stuck out your hand and I simply interlocked mine in yours? Do you remember wearing that old blue plaid shirt and cowboy boots that very first day when our friends introduced us? You looked like a southern dream. I naturally wasn't expecting to meet someone and was just in sweats with my hair up. I was a mess. I remember the way you looked at me. It was like you could see right through me and everything I was trying to hide. I never felt more alive than the night you grabbed my hand and made me dance with you in that parking lot. The way the rain fell on our faces as you spinned me around. I didn't want it to end. I remember the night you stole my first kiss. Everything was perfect, seemingly planned. You held my face and looked me in the eyes and for a moment nothing else mattered. No one else existed in that moment. I remember our frivolous adventures in Walmart, trips to the fair, the movies, the lake, nights when we'd stay in, when you'd take me to football games, baseball games, hockey. It soon became that we did everything together. I remember that Tuesday night as you were about to go home, you turned over and looked at me and smiled. It was quite for a minute then you just said it. We had been together for 3 months and 10 days and you said it. You told me that you loved me. You said you loved me, kissed me and went home. Yeah, I remember. It all just seems like last week that we met, got to know eachother, then fell more and more in love. I still remember the smell of the cologne that you wore the day that you told me you were leaving. You were almost emotionless as you watched the tears stream down my face. Five words you uttered: "This isn't working. It's over". You had no tears. No lump in your throat. No hesitation as you broke my heart. You spent 14 months making me fall for you and all I got was "This isn't working". You talked about our future. A life together. A family. Was it all just a facade? Yes, I remember quite well. And well, that seems to be my problem.

I don't want to continue simply sleepwalking through life. When you left last year, it threw me for a loop. I was completely blindsided. Never in a million years did I think my life would change so dramatically, so quickly, so out of my control. One day I was simply sitting there getting high off of you, and next thing I knew, I was numb from the shock of you leaving. Just like that. It was unexpected, unprovoked, I had no way if knowing.. no warning. I miss you everyday. All the places we used to go feels like I'm walking through a nightmare. You were my backbone, my cornerstone. You were the one thing that kept me going. When I lost you, I lost myself. I lost my direction, my motivation, my drive to be better. I forgot what this life was all about. I tried to play it cool, pretend that I was alright. But even the sound of your name brought me to tears. It's been 10 months and 9 days. I still miss you. I don't remember when I cried last. They tell me it'll stop all together soon. I can't help but wonder if you miss me, us. If you sit in bed and cry at night because you can't see me, hold me, remind me that you love me.. I wonder if I even cross your mind at all. I wonder if you'll ever fade from my memory, and if I'm already gone from yours. If you realized what you meant to me or if I should have been more bold in telling you. You are my late night thoughts. My early morning thoughts. My mid-day thoughts. You are constantly on my mind. Until that changes, I don't see how I could simply stop sleepwalking through life.