Its been rough lately, real rough.
My head's been messy, real messy.
Swarming with thoughts of suicide and death.
Swarming like bees,
Each of their stingers drags a new slice into my thigh as I lay in my bathtub.

Its been rough lately, real rough.
My mind has been dark, real dark.
My chest seems to have trouble rising and falling as the wall of anxiety hits.
At this point I don't care if the next cycle of rising and falling is my last.

It's been rough lately, real rough
My brain has been, real sad.
My hands shake and twitch like my depression is trying to force them into doing something they shouldn't.
My body heaves with dry sobs.

I don't want to die but it wouldn't matter if I did.

Today was a last.
My last with my best friend.

Today was a last.
A last with my speech and debate team.
For four years these people stood by me.
Picked me up when I fell, sometimes they were the ones who pushed me. But they loved me.

Today was a last.
The last time I got that warm feeling of home, walking into my speech and debate room.
The last time I turned my nose at the cafeteria lunch.
The last time I subtly flipped off the theater teacher.

Today there was a first for me.
The first time I thought of missing getting up at 6:30 to go to school.
The first time I cried at the knowledge of leaving my school.

Today I graduate.
I take four years of heartbreak and joy and sorrow and
memories of times I almost threw up from laughing so hard
memories of snorting sour patch kids dust for three bucks
memories of fighting with my friends in the halls
memories of sneaking food into class.

I hold these memories near to my heart.
Because within them is the best four years of my life that I would never give up.

Im nostalgic and that's okay, I say my goodbye as a welcome to fond memories and times to come.

Morsels lifted with crackling fingers with pin thin wrists.

I could sew a dress with my needle fingers but id have to lose some weight to fit into it.

I wish to be so perfect that all the other girls will cry because they know their DNA will never be as perfect as my own.

Bite marks imprinted on my knuckles from my dissolving teeth,reminding me that eating isn't worth it.

I wish to one day be thinner than her and her and her, to be thinner than the pencil I chew on instead of food.

Disappearing, dissolving, dying it's all the same but it's worth it for all the pain of wishes of perfect.

To be truthful, I am awkward.
When I stare blankly at you it's not because I'm not paying attention, it's because I'm too confused on what to say.
        Yesterday, I dropped a book and when someone handed it to me I said good morning.

To be honest, I'm clumsy.
The last time I tried to make microwave Mac and cheese I forgot to put the water in and caught the pasta on fire.
       Yesterday I tripped and fell on my pride, and it shattered like a mirror holding the reflection of someone who wasn't me.

To be frank, I'm stubborn.
I refuse to accept help from others.
       Yesterday I broke four cups carrying a box of kitchen goods because I didn't let him take it from me.

To be candor, I'm afraid.
I'm afraid of the things that I can't fix and the things that I never will be able to understand.
        Yesterday my friend committed suicide. And today, I want to too.

Hands clenched so tight my knuckles turn white.

Face wrenched in tears.

Escaping breath not caught.

Rocking back and forth.

There's no reason. No rhyme.

Everything is closing in.

Noise is too loud and too quiet all at once.

I scream whispers of breath I don't have.

My body tells my brain I'm not okay.

My brain tells my body to panic.

My brain left my body.

I'm left in the crossfire of pain and terror.

I can't. Breathe. I can't fight. I can't do this. Please someone help me. PLEASE JUST HELP. I CANT DO THIS ANYMORE.

I was born at night,
Bred to fight.
I could be the proud defender of
But instead I fell for love.
Be kind to those around you
Don't be merciless
Remember me.
I grew up
Still waiting for the windup.
Took my sword and shield in hand.
Made way to the promised land.
Remember me.
I was defeated
Fall of the land was repeated.  
It fell for you.
Remember me.