it's like fire and ice
it burns but i can't move
where do I go, what do I do?
how do i make it stop
"i love you, i love you"
i do, i swear i do
it hurts but i can't
let it choke me like this
i don't want to be chained down
i live as free as the air moves
i hold pain and desire in the same fist
clenched and stinging
and yet you are winning
and i am losing the only thing
i've ever been sure of

the rock, the ladder, the map
the tundra, the arctic, the land
beneath my feet
is flooding, defeat.

i get it now. you win.
you're right. i need you,
but i can't have you.
and
it burns, but i can't move.

Talk is cheap

Three words spilled from your cheeks
Lavish, divine
Pinched my veins
Anaesthetized

Crevices in melodies and distance
Callous, defiant
My skull in your palms
A conspicuous inferno

I’m not a beggar
Don’t ******* patronize me
This was never our land
Never our home
You were never my castle
Never my throne

When they leave, they always ask me
Why my mind can’t seem to stand
the way they speak of love so easily.
I've tried but I start bleeding, choking,
losing touch with where I am
and where I'm going.

Empathy confuses me, and it hurts
because I want to tell you about the place in my head
that thinks only of you,
but it exits my mouth with my breath and dissolves
and my voice seems to leave me,
and then they all seem to leave me,
and I'm left with nothing but
silence.

I don’t deserve your affection.
I never once did, in fact.
My hands are much too belligerent
For an old, gentle soul such as yours.

Carelessness and disregard drove
A catastrophic downfall
On my behalf.

For words my heart has spoken
While omitting conscious thought,
I have carried the burden of remorse
In a tightly sealed backpack that
You filled with the sky and the ocean.

The very thought aches
Inside my bones and under my skin,
That I’ve crushed the only tower I’ve ever built
With my bare hands,
While picking apart my thoughts
In disorientation and resentment.

Though I was never able to pick apart the sky,
I have found the stars elsewhere.
I can only hope that you find yours too,
Because the ones at night tell our stories
Better than we ever could,
And those stars will always be ours.