i'm slowly digesting
the reality of you.

i still think of you
when i'm drunk.
i still stare at your number
in my phone,
my heart trying to convince
my brain to dial,
but my brain always winning,
reminding the heart
of how that number has
hurt you and hit
you and made you ashamed
to be who you are.

today i'm not ashamed
and i'm not afraid
and i'm not angry,
not unforgiving
not naive
not sad.
not even a little
bit.
not even at all.

anyone who says they
drink for the taste is
a *******
liar
because if I let a demon
take a **** in my mouth
in exchange for forgetting
my aching blood on the
floor
I’d say I drink for the taste too.

****.
I'm sad.
Allowing myself to get walked on.
Such lack of respect and not enough faith and too many bad things to compare it with.
There is no hope for me and togetherness.
It is all a mythical plot and vivid imagination circling my ever changing mind.
I cried about that too.
I cried myself to sleep wondering why, and what and how should it be?
Or can I ever get this right?
I'm a goose trying to be swan.
A kitten thinking I'm a tiger.
I'm alone, once again...here talking to myself in riddles and metaphors.
Such nonsense.
Can I ever just be...normal.
I feel like an alien.
Out of place, misunderstood, taken for granted,
with all the bad karma that ever existed.
And nobody here to share it with.

I miss you
And you make me sick
Your eyes, which used to bring me butterflies
Now make me nauseous
And I could spend hours dry heaving
Just to make sure I've choked up every last bit of you
Your smile
Has yellowed from the lies you told
There is deceit on your lips
And all the brushing in the world
Can't hide the smell of the crap you made me swallow
Your hands
Which promised to cradle me heart
Squeezed a bit too hard
And left ***** fingerprints on the broken pieces
My own little jagged jigsaw
And as much as I would love to say "*******!" and let this end
I can still remember the smell of your soap in my skin
And the feeling of your hand in mine
And the first time
You
And I
Became us
But my rage won't allow me to cry
On the outside.
You cannot bury what is not dead
So instead I'll put our love on a shelf
And leave it there
Never to be touched
Years will pass
Dust and time will ***** the glass
And all of the delicate dysfunctional intricacies of our love will be forgotten
And in it's own way
Up on that shelf
Our love will finally be beautiful.

I pass the time counting sheep
there is nothing I do better
sixty-six, sixty-seven
nights since I've slept.

Longing for those that destroy me:

Could be the diagnosis
Or condition i fear to be diagnosed
Could be daddy issues
Or mommy, or both

I strive for days i feel the sun
But those days come few to none
Instead i feel the moons stare
And watch its friends nod me on

This is for the girl who you tore apart.
For that little angel you once called sweetheart.
Tell me sir, how is it you ripped her heart clean in half?
Did it feel good, maybe even turn you on when you pushed her to the ground
Made her feel like trash?
You forgot she was delicate
A sculpture made of glass
Your rough hands and cold heart adding crack after crack.
Mercilessly chipping away at her smile.
She was the painting you picked apart for so long you forgot to appreciate each intricate stroke.
The dancer whose music you cut far too short.
She would have been your saving grace
But you made her feel like a disgrace.
Turn around little boy.
She's was not your toy.
Maybe one day you'll appreciate true art
Just don't you ever forget
That beautiful sweetheart you pushed into the dark.
Turn around little boy.
She's was not your toy.
This one is for the girl you tore apart.
Rest in peace sweetheart.

Scars
They clutter my left arm
Up and down they used to double
triple
Quadruple
they bled
were red
And eventually
scared over.
They did not solve my problems
Just made me stay sane
They made me keep calm
When I wanted to break down
I wanted to yell
I wanted to scream
But all I did was show my feelings
A top my skin
They arnt me anymore
And sometimes I forget that.
I forget that I don't have to push people away
But instead they push me away
Because even though I have changed
my skin remains the same
And that is all they choose to see.