She flew away into the sun
But the wax wings melted her hope

You worry too much
About my own set of
Problems and your imagination
Runs wild, blinded by love

"You're killing yourself
Slowly with every slice
Every incision and bruise and burn
Every mark so precise"

I remind you that I have it
Under control, my control
That every mark I make myself
Fills the little holes in my soul

But with every hole I fill
They seem to sink back in
So I make the marks on my body
On the top of the skin

I promise I have control of
The little beast inside
The one that breaks free every night
The one that I desperately try to hide

So do not fret love
For I have the control
I will win every battle
That is purely my role

I'll ride this high
Until I die
That Ana high
Will keep you alive

She feeds you euphoria
She fills you with doubt
First there is a typhoon
But then there is a drought

But nevermind the downside
Ana can help you thrive
Eventually you'll feel so high
You will barely feel alive

Hello, poetry
You have changed
I do not like the alterations
That you have made

Yes I will admit
This new form is slick
But a change is a change
And we will still nit pick

I do not approve
Of the lay out here
Where do I log in
And I now fear

When I have a notification
I won't see that bright yellow bolt
Of lightening, the highlight of my day
So maybe I'll revolt

Maybe I'll stop clicking
Away at the keys
And filling this page
With my poetry

But you and I both know I
Cannot stay away
Hello, Poetry, you are my home
And here I will stay

I do not need it
I have restraint
I have self control
I will remain

Even if it takes months
I will be thin
I will have the thigh gap
And I promise to win

The war going
On inside of my skull
Crack me open and you find
The consequences and null

I will do whatever it takes
I promise you that

With eyes like the
Ocean as the sun falls
She looks down at me
For I am not tall

I have shrank in size and
She has aged
The person called innocence
Who I thought I had caged

Innocence says that
She's vacating the building
Finding a new home
One worth living

I it down and tears
Drip from my ocean blue eyes
Because I'm alone again
I guess innocence was too traumatized

One more time
You said one more time
Then you would leave

So you did
Now it's not just one
More time

I can't stop
Taking the blade to
Fresh skin

I am so sorry I
Let you down
But that is what I am best at

He doesnt talk
But oh,
What does he think

Does he walk
In cirlces
Around his
head

Circles and circles
Confusion
Plays with the
Mind

Inside is he
Screaming,
Thinking,
Dreaming

And wishing
To be nothing
To not be
Alive

Circles and circles
Spinning all around
Dizziness hurts the heart

Cloudy thoughts
Restless days
No one wants to
Play

I will play
With you
You poor
Boy

Together in
The rain
Dancing and being
Free

We desperately cling to
Love, no matter how
Terrible it may be

No matter if it hurts
Us and breaks our being
We just want compassion

So we hand it out
Like candy, something we can
Always obtain more of

But one day the candy well
Runs dry and when we're left crying
The ones who took leave us on the ground

They say we chase after
Love we think we deserve
That we want what we can't have

I never realised how true
The words rang until
It was too late

And now I'm faced with
The challenge every day
Because of what I think

I think I don't deserve love
Because I push them away
Where they should stay

I guess I am fortunate
I have discovered a person
Who thinks I am worthy of love

Even when I think
I am too scared, too nervous
Too ashamed or broken

Thank you for believing in me
When I cant even have faith
In my own self

Dropped and left behind
Shattered too many times
I've delt with lost love before
What's another trip around the block

When you are full of breaks
Your mirror is so splintered
With reflections of you
Different pieces lost

There comes a point when
You look at the shattered pieces
And you take another risk
Anther hit

And you whisper to yourself
As your reflection stares back
"What's another crack
In an already broken mirror"

You were just another crack
In my already broken mirror
The difference this time is
You sprayed the glass farther than I can reach

Before I let them
Rip open the earth and
Stick me under just
To sew it back up
I want to fly

I want to loose my breathe
With the wind and
Close my eyes, to be at peace
For three fragile seconds
I want the wind to slip through
My hair and my make up to
Be ruined
I want to smile and be
Happy for three seconds

Before I come crashing down
And land on solid ground
Reality will hit
My body will just be a body
No me inside
But before I let this world take me
I want to be free and live
For the first time
Right before I die

Soft and supple lips
Every curve a brand new thrill
His arms embrace me

Rough hands on soft skin
Cheek to cheek and lash to lash
His chest hard and warm

Our breathing is one
Beats that drive the body, one
Opposites collide

Trying to find some inspiration
While my mind is negotiating
With my heart as its fibrillating
To let go of you

Pathetic is the label
I've branded onto my own skin
With razor blades and broken glass
With the voices that are within

I can't even look at my own
Body without shying back with disgust
And regret of the first day
I chased after the razors with lust

Weak is what I see
It's filled up every corner of me
And while everyone stares so blindingly
With their smiles curved so happily

I cry and feel empty
Though I'm filled with so much hate
Filled with anger and sorrow
That the blades are my lonely fate

Wide as a bus, she stares back at me
Fat spilling over my jeans
And pushing against my shirt
Pop pop popping at the seams

I will never be perfect
But I will always try
Even if that means not eating
And sneaking in some lies

This is my globe
That I revolve around
This is my tiny world
Where I feel so safe and sound

Little boy
With the heart so tender
And fingers so fine
While intertwined with mine
You know that the sun is there
But yet you continue to frown
Because you can't have it
All for your own

I know I might not be the sun
Just another lonely star in another
Far away constellation
But I hope I am good enough for you

Little boy
With arms open wide
You face the struggle of the world
Head on
I hope I can ease the pain
The world has to hand you
Because you have sure eased mine

I had her
In my arms
Keeping her under my wing
Away from the words harm

I guess I did not
Hold her tight enough
She was ripped violently away
I thought I was tough

It turns out I am
Nothing but a child
A coward, shadow of a sister
My courage is mild

I watched her scream
As I tried to find
I felt my eyes burn
And throat tighten inside

They striped her away
She was kind and brave
She died for us
So we will not be slaves

Now I live
Moved on with my life
I tell my children
Of a rose cut by a knife

I hate you
No, hate is too kind
Despise is a better
Taste on the tongue

The chances of ever
Having a normal life
Were stripped from me
My peace of mind

I can't be with a person
In a romantic way
Like every one else
It is not the same

I just want to love
And be loved
But paranoia sets in
And it usually wins

What you have done
Didn't just hurt me
My brothers and mother
My father doesn't have a father

He hurts the worst of all
His own dad
******* up his family
And now we are all off kilter

I have three sets of grandparents
Six elders that are suppose to care
One went to jail for his crimes on me
The other two live in Illinois

Three sets of aunts and uncles
One didn't believe his confessions
One barely talks to us
The other... where is she again?

Our family is torn apart
Because you couldn't keep it
In your pants
You *******

I'm standing by
The ocean sea, blue
My toes loosing their warmth
Waiting for you

My lips turned down
Not a smile to be seen
My finger nails purple
Cries shatter the silence in between

I know you're not returning my love
But I can still wait and pray
Five days later
I'm thinking of taking my life away

A week and a half
The water so calm and at a lull
Maybe it could comfort me
If I didn't know it had eaten you whole

Three months pass me by
They whisper to me of my cries
The inhuman sounds I make at night
A melancholy lullaby

I promise to wait for you my dear
To sit patiently by the water side
To wait for your return
For the waves to let ride

It's the night before Christmas
The night is tonight
The house is dark
Except for one light

The light belongs to a lamp
Of a small Boy
Who stays up for Santa
To bring him joy

And on this young lad's wish list
Is only one thing
The item a name
A name with meaning

The Boy does not sleep
His heart drums in his chest
For hope that one person
Will come home from the west

Boy watches the time
Tick away on the clock
Minutes turn into hours
Boy's stomach sits like rocks

Next thing he sees is
Is the sunrise set in
Boy gets up to wake his mom
His face holds a grin

He drags his mother down
The cold wooden stairs
The railing smooth under little fingers
Boy stops and stares

Under the tree
Are boxes and bows
The Boy's stocking is full
And is hanging heavily, low

The Boy frowns and doesn't budge
His mother nudges him along
They sit down and open every
Present, which took very long

By the end the boy was near
To tears, his cheeks puffy
His mother petted his hair
Which was Brown and fluffy

Her tears spilt over her eyes
She bowed her head and said
"I am so sorry I can't give you what
You want, I am so sorry Ted

But daddy is over seas
And we'll see him sooner than you think
I promise he'll come back from war
I'm sorry I'm so weak"

The boy cupped her face
In his tiny hands where
She'd been crying and whispered
"But mommy, daddy's right there"

She lost herself in the
Music
And she got lost in the
Words
These were her few
Escapes
That no one had
Heard

She tried to mumble
Softly that she was in
Need of some help
Because when you're so broken
It's hard to find yourself

She lost herself to the
Cutting
And don't forget the
Purging too
She fell on the way from
Hitting herself
And now she's stuck there too

No one can hear
Our sad, small cries
Maybe if we just started
Screaming they would come
Rushing to us in surprise

I don't want to loose
Myself in this old world
I want to push away my demons and
Leave them all for good

I just need a helping hand
Because I feel so blind
I've lost myself to this old world
I have lost my soul and mind

So guide me back to the place
Where I first lost you
Maybe that way I can find
Where I lost myself too

I watched what the world did to him
Leaving scares on his skin
As he tried to be whole again
With all these pieces missing of him

And laying on the bed with
Tears in his eyes
He watched the ceiling fan go round
Letting escape a heavy sigh

He walked through the arch of his door way
And went straight to the bathroom drawers
There he pulled out the razors
Ready to take away more

I watched the world rip him apart
Into unrecognizable shreds
Scaring him on the inside
Letting his outside become slowly dead

Each slice rips away
A little more of your soul
And you don't see it happening
Till it's cost a deathly toll

I watched the world take him away
Not a care in their head
Until my precious him
Was in a coffin, dead

Desire to be near you
Constantly
Nipping at my brain
And overtime I see that perfect
Face of yours

My kidneys rise
Stomach flips
And my lungs scream for
Air
Because you take it away from me


The moment you walk out
Of that door I want to run up
To you and make my lips
Great yours with
Love

And I want my fingers
Intertwined with yours
Always
Every waking moment
I want to be yours

And I want you to be mine

Laying in the back of your car
Holding you close and breathing you in
I don't know what you use
But never stop, your
Intoxicating

Whether its small or deep your
Words seem to have me listening
Silence is nice, I like to think
But I'd rather have your voice
Surrounding me

Fingers carefully playing each key
Plucking at the piano effortlessly
Emotions pouring into the song
You drive me insane but I
Love it

Never stop

Pick me up from my
*****, scratched knees and set
Me on my way
Because there is more to this
Old world than the people who
Were placed on it

I watch for your wrists
You know who you are
That girl, you're reading this right now
The one with the scars

I understand what is happening
Though I won't say I know
Exactly what you're going through
I do not have that right

But let me say this
I walked that block for two years
For two many years
To not know some of your fears

I know that you're scared
And some of this seems involuntary
But I promise you that
Your journey isn't solitary

I guess you could keep cutting
Up your skin
You don't have control, right?
But I have learned it does not **** what's within

Me of all people are telling you
To put down and throw away
The rusty old razors
I only want you to stay

Stay with me and stay with him
Keep the toes planted to the ground
And grow them deep into the soil
And refuse to be uprooted

And if you can't see anything
Beautiful about yourself
Get a better mirror
Look a little closer
Stare a little longer!

Because there's something
Inside you that made you
Keep trying despite
Everyone who told you to quit

You built a cast around
Your broken heart,
And you signed it!
You signed it

'They Were Wrong'!

I am trimming down the seemingly
Never ending list of people who
I have let affect me through the years
And I am deciding to be free instead
Of grasping onto straws
Of self hatred and loathing
I am releasing the hold people
Have on me and
I feel better doing so

Hopefully I will meet new
People to fill that void of loneliness
But I would rather be lonely than
Suffer with people who break me
And drag me down

This year will be different
I will mold myself into the person
I want to be
Not the girl everyone else
Thinks I should be

I will change

Are you meeting me
At the hill top high
Where we laughed together
Where we have cried

Where my body lies
Under the dark dirt, brown
Where I lay in peace
Where I dont make a sound

Let us play together
Under dark dirt, brown
Watch out for that ledge
Where I came tumbling down

I cannot see light
Only a memory is the sky
Under dark dirt, brown
I do not question why

Are you meeting me
At the hill top high
Under dark dirt, brown
Where I lay to die

Her dreams were full of water
Of exploring the dark blue
And now her wish is fulfilled
Her ashes are spread among the Pacific

I remember a time when
We stayed up till two
With dry eyes and smiles
Plastered across our face

But the mold has broken

And you don't talk to me
Instead you ignore my pleading,
Long paragraphs of thought
Formed into words

But everything has changed

You would say
"I cannot imgine you not in my life"
But here I am
Sitting on the outskirts of your mind

And I have almost been fully kicked out of town

Oh it pains me to see you
Broke and torn down
But obviously I am no longer
Of use to you

Maybe leaving would be better, but
I have been told that isn't what friends do
But I am not a friend to
You anymore

Am I?