And then the day came,
when the risk
to remain tight
in a bud
was more painful
than the risk
it took
to Blossom.

Oh woman
How were you made
How did you come to be what you are
Strong, weak, fragile, warrior
Moving on and on
Through this life of labor and love
Bearing all while baring all
At the mercy of force
Your mind is a side show
And a fortress of pain
A place of hope and faith
Forgiveness and revenge
Oh beautiful creature
How you were made

You don't know it yet but
I've lost my leaves.
While you keep
Yours evergreen.
Are they honest?
These thorns you throw.
They pierce my bark.
Some wounds bleed.
Some simply remain
Like memories
Or worries.
I think our veins should be entwined;
You are behind a clearing.
I notice your silhouette,
Your back against the light.
I am dropping my leaves at your stem,
Hoping you will embrace winter too.
The grass between us is scattered with
Flowers beneath the snow.
I wish I could gather them
To give to you.
But your thorns
Have me frozen.
I cannot breath.
For if I crack another will pierce me.
So lose your leaves!
Show your branches: thorns exposed.
I will embrace them and let the
Blood flow,
I will gather
The Crimson
In my heart.

you scare me.

not like elliot scared me -
he was frightening because of the sweetness of his smile
you are frightening
because you are a sweetness that lies

your calm
cool
demeanor
the way you laugh,
call me silly pet names
puts a bad taste in my mouth
a sick feeling in my stomach
ryan,
you are a wolf

it's been almost three years
since you sunk your teeth into me
i came close to forgetting
until i found an old conversation
started second guessing
even though i had made a note
that said
"never let yourself again,
red"
i
read
it
and now, once more
the lamb has walked into
the lions den

I once checked out
Of the loony bin
But now here I go
Checking back in

nobody could see me
trying to **** myself.
but i could.
every night i saw it.
i saw the various ways to
slit my throat, my wrist,
to tie a knot, maybe with a bow?
and kick my moms nice chair away?
maybe by drowning,
or jumping from a tall building?
so many ways... so many.
i still see those ways.
i still want to cut.
actually, ive craved the blade
for a few weeks now.
and yet, i havent made a single mark
up and down my arm.

whats stopping me?
i'll be honest: when i go back to school
i want to be able to show my teacher that
it'll be a whole month since ive cut.
thats a long time (for me) and i
really want to keep going.

i can save myself.
i know i can...
right?

i kept thinking of
maybe telling him how i
felt about him.
it sounds stupid but
i feel like not only would he
be sweet about it but
that he'd open up his arms and
say that he wants us to be close.
no, i do not mean he'll leave his
fiancé for me, but as in
friendship close.

when even after i graduate
nothing with matter.
we'll be friends and still talk,
go out for a coffee and have a chat.
we'll have a great friendship.
thats all i want.
i just... i want him.
to want to be around him,
and know him and see him
for who he truly is.

i want him to be honest and loving
and funny and kind and my friend.
i want him to be weird with me and to
smile even when i look so, so terrible and for him
to still teach me things even though im not
his student anymore.

i want him.
but, it looks like I'm not even
describing a friendship anymore.

Let me whisper you a world spread in open-palm
   and lay you wide-pictures etched in cobble-stone
   till your feet find their way in the wake of alt-time

Let me grow you orchards on margins of probabilities
   and capture breezy-smiles to place upon your sleeve
   till illumined-steps of afternoon crumble before angels

Let me turn the planets on fingertip high upon wheel-rim
   and show you matte mirror-lakes of superb-chances
   till the evening-sky feels the shy-tiptoe of moon-kiss


please… let me….?


S T -  4 dec 13

What I did not know, was
what would come next in our
conversation. We usually do
not talk about deep things, but
I started running out of questions.
I know your favorite color and I
know how you met your first
husband. So, what was there left
to ask of you? Well, certainly I
would of course find a way to
ask you something.

The question I asked was simple:
What is the worst thing that has
ever happened to you?
Now, ladies and gentleman I did not
expect what came out of her mouth next
due to the fact that I asked the question
nonchalantly. But, instead she looked at me and
said, "I was *****." She then gulped and
looked me straight in the eyes and began her
story, one in which that I had to hurry and text my mother for
to tell her I'd be a few minutes late because I knew I'd
end up telling her mine. She told me about how it was in
high school and how scared she was.
About how terrible it was and that
was why she started self harm.

I shivered at the thought:
we are so alike.

Mostly in good ways, but I hate that she has been through
so much that I have. That we share that same pain.
I told her about how sorry I was and about what
happened to me. That one of my other teachers was
that only reason I was even standing here to be able to
tell this story today.

I then wished her goodnight and told her we could
talk again if she would like, because it felt nice to
talk to someone who understood and
did not look at me like I was a
mere child.

This was on the 2nd of December, and I wish I
would have been able to stay longer to say
all the things that I really wanted to say.
Maybe sometime in the future we will
talk things over, because they really do
settle my mind.