It's late
The sky covered in a
Heavy blanket
Of darkness and stars
And my head pounds
Each beat whispering your name
Ears ringing and singing
The same

The sound
All through out the house
****** up in the vacuum
Of anguish and pain
It dulls the senses and weakens
The body I reside in
Eyes red from the tears I've shed
And regret taking up the entire room
And pressing itself into me

You never loved me
And I'm slowing starting to
Accept that maybe I
Never loved you either

I only wanted to be
Enough, but as always
You didn't deem me as enough

No, instead you broke
My heart with such ease
I wonder if you're even human

I understand why you left
My hobby was over bearing
You kept to your promise

So leave and chase your sun
While your old, out of date star
Sits here, collapsing in on itself

Creating a black hole of
Misery and self loathing
While I whisper I'm fine

But I'm not

One more time
You said one more time
Then you would leave

So you did
Now it's not just one
More time

I can't stop
Taking the blade to
Fresh skin

I am so sorry I
Let you down
But that is what I am best at

You look me in the eyes
And threaten to leave me
Because you think my blades
Are all that I can see

But the truth is that
Just because I love you
Doesn't mean you can fix me
This you can simply not do

I will stop on my own time
With my own will
And it will not be because of
Love for you

But love for myself

Stuck
Like I've licked the frozen pole
Trapped until we thaw
Until someone has the mercy
To pour water over my mouth
And set me free

Who knew that person would
Be me

It is hard to grab your own water
And fill the pail
When you are immobile
But we all have to learn how to
Fetch our own pails of water
Because you cannot be free
And in control till
You've decided you will be

You have to push through the *******
The lies people will spoon feed you
With cheap, plastic spoons
Finding your own way is not easy
But what is the point of life
When there is no struggle and challenge
To be had

I am trimming down the seemingly
Never ending list of people who
I have let affect me through the years
And I am deciding to be free instead
Of grasping onto straws
Of self hatred and loathing
I am releasing the hold people
Have on me and
I feel better doing so

Hopefully I will meet new
People to fill that void of loneliness
But I would rather be lonely than
Suffer with people who break me
And drag me down

This year will be different
I will mold myself into the person
I want to be
Not the girl everyone else
Thinks I should be

I will change

Two and a half years of
Hiding under my Levi's
And cheap, holey sweaters
Jackets, handed down from mother
And gloves made out of toe socks

Two and a half years of blaming
It on the cat, pointing fingers
At sharp cornered desks and
Dogs and messing around with friends
Hiding my secret, holding it close to me

Today, I took of my jacket
And the world, being cruel as it is
Forced me to crawl right back inside
With eyes prying and people touching
And their judgmental, pity looks

But tomorrow will be different
And I wont let young eyes
Stop me from being afraid
To show my forearms
I promise this

It's time for some change
Because I can't go on faking
My smile for fake people anymore
And hiding my body from the world
Because I am beautiful

Or so they say