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Ellyn k Thaiden Dec 2013
F
Fake smiles and fly aways
Fiction and fantasies
Fractures and fatalities
Frowns and fits of rage

In which we are drowning
Ellyn k Thaiden Dec 2013
She lost herself in the
Music
And she got lost in the
Words
These were her few
Escapes
That no one had
Heard

She tried to mumble
Softly that she was in
Need of some help
Because when you're so broken
It's hard to find yourself

She lost herself to the
Cutting
And don't forget the
Purging too
She fell on the way from
Hitting herself
And now she's stuck there too

No one can hear
Our sad, small cries
Maybe if we just started
Screaming they would come
Rushing to us in surprise

I don't want to loose
Myself in this old world
I want to push away my demons and
Leave them all for good

I just need a helping hand
Because I feel so blind
I've lost myself to this old world
I have lost my soul and mind

So guide me back to the place
Where I first lost you
Maybe that way I can find
Where I lost myself too
I claim this poem. Yes, it is mine. When I say that it's mine, I mean I'm admitting it's from my perspective. This poem hits home. I hope it will help someone else, too.
Ellyn k Thaiden Dec 2013
Tooth paste
And a good scrub,
The burn of Listerine

Baby, you can try
All you want but
You wear the stench of
Puke strongly

The stench so strong almost
Makes you purge a
Second time

The only difference is
The next time around
Is an accident

But it's not like
It matters

You enjoy the feeling anyways
Makes you proud in the moment
But later you'll be crying
Drowning in regret

No amount of Listerine
Can burn away the guilt
Of an empty belly
And a good cry
Ellyn k Thaiden Dec 2013
You should do it, you know
Loose yourself in the blades
No one would notice or care
Don't you have any shame?
                      
                        Some one would care about her
                        Don't tell her different
                        Please don't **** us
                       Don't leave us

You're worthless, I swear
Death would be easier and simple
Don't you think so, Kaitlyn?
Just a few slices here and there
                
                        But you have life to live
                        And experiences to be had
                        I promise it will get better soon
                        I know life is bad

Ha, it will get better
If you pop a few dozen and wait
I promise it will get better soon
If you just stop breathing

No one wants you

                        Not true! I promise people do

Oh, like who?
    
                       Mom, what about mom?

She would live

                       *******, it would break her

What friends does she have?

                       Plenty and you know it too

Hah, can hardly call people
Who say they'll be there
But disappear friends

                       People have lives that don't
                       Revolve around her

But when she needs them
They never show
How is that friendship?

                       Words aren't always needed
                       To show love
      
                                    I'm done listening to this
                                    Leave me alone I
                                    Need to think
                                    And I can't do that with
                                    You two in my head

Whatever, I'll be back

                        Okay, but remember
                        We're always here
    
                                   Yeah I know
                                    That's the sad part...
I swear, every night. I've not told anyone. It's like I'm sitting there, deciding whether to cut or **** myself or eat or just watch tv or read a book, and these two pop up in my life. Just in my head, fighting.
Ellyn k Thaiden Dec 2013
So you cut everyone out
At the time it seems
You need friends the most?

Me, who over looks your so called
"Flaws" that everyone tells me
To be weary of?

Why do this now Penguin
You're hurting me inside
Where I sit alone in my empty chest

I will still be here
If and when you decide to
Walk right back in

Because I'm a hypocrite
And I cut people out of my life
But they can't cut me when they say they need me most

I will be here sitting
Waiting patiently if you
Ever turn around from where ever you're walking to

I'll be here alone and cold
And dead inside, but
I won't be angry or sad if you come back

No, I'll be happy and help you
Because resentment, I have learned recently,
Does nothing but build a walls where Hell resides
Ellyn k Thaiden Dec 2013
I'm sorry
I'm so sorry mom
But I can't look you in
The eyes and say what's wrong

After you look at me
And you say
"I hate that you're hurting
And that you feel this way"

You hate that I'm hurting
But a big problem in my life
Is that the world is cold and I'm alone
And I've been hurting myself

Burgundy scars litter
My thigh and the
Crevice of my arm
A way to escape pain

It's been over two years time
When the razor first greeted the
Fresh pale skin and
I don't know how to stop

They elope each night
Kiss till I am red
The razor abuses the skin
But the skin can't let go of relief

I feel like you won't understand
That you'll take the razors away
What would I do then
Have panic attacks each and every day?

I'm sorry I'm hurting mom
I know you're hurting too
That's why I don't talk
About the self harm I do

I stash the razors, the blades
The ace bandages that I wrap
Myself each night
And I hide it so well

I'm sorry mom
Ellyn k Thaiden Dec 2013
Love is
When they become
Every thought
Asleep and awake

Love is
When you put them
First in your life
And try to make them happy

Love is
Staying up till
Four in the morning with
Me while I talk of nonsense

Love is
Leaning over me and
Whispering in my ear that the
Morning has come

Love is
Sharing your sweaters
And jackets because it's
All the same in the end

Love is
Talking about the future pets
You will buy together
In your ****** apartment

Love is
Being able to laugh at each
Others mistakes
And not so funny jokes

Love is
Never having an awkward silence
Just silence that is perfect
Because words aren't always needed

Love is
Holding me down
When I try to hurt myself
Because you care too much

Love is
Some how letting someone
Into your heart
And giving them water to grow

Love is
******* up at times
And learning from the past
And not allowing one thing to mess it up

Love is
Farting on one another
And not caring
If ones legs or face is shaved

Love is
Thinking I'm still beautiful
With my hair up
And no bra on

Love is
All I want right now
I'm craving it
And I fear it most
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