I panicked.

My brain attacked today.

It attacked my lungs,

Stupid sharp whistling sounds.

I looked out of control.

But I felt aware,

that I wasn’t breathing,

that I was attacking myself again.

It attacked my heart,

terrifying skipping stones in my chest.

Whipped one by one,

Muffled blows in my breast.

I panicked.

I looked out of control but I was aware,

of the guilt,

of what will drag along with me.

I can’t be freed from fault,

It’s not the way.

Because I panic;

is why I don’t relate,

is how I cleanse.

Fright being necessary,

like a dream

where you muscle tone fails you,

I was paralyzed.

My knuckles hit the laminate –

again, again, again.

But I don’t move.

Feeling my bicep twitch,

Feeling my throat raw,

My mouth wide open,

But I don’t make a sound.

Because I panic.

The power inside,

will never translate,

to the outside.

People may see flickers,

of insanity in my eyes.

They may see me tighten up.

They may seem me strain and ease.

But I will never translate.

Until it snaps,

Until I no longer attack myself.

Until I no longer panic.

Until I bellow,

Until I howl,

Until I wail,

Until I swing and connect.

Until it attacks outwardly,

Instead of inwardly.

It's 3 o'clock in the morning.
I finally finished my mourning,
Of you grandad.

I can only hope the other side is better
Where people don't pretend
And happiness is never constricted.

Till the world is old and dying
You forever will be great.
Immortal in my juvenile eyes.
Immortal in my aching heart.

No more love poems
For nothing else
Than the sake of intelligence
No more
Because you refuse to think
I've heard it all before
I want something new
Interesting, at least
I want something different
******* and this steel mind
Away, into the universe's bliss

To relevant beings
Know, experience, and be
Hell, Limbo, and Heaven
Be nothing and everything and forget time
I want to see you crying
Falling down the hole
Experiencing all
In an abyss of grey, dark, and brightness

Be witness to yourself as Lucifer
And God
And the truest of insanity's delight
Ignorance, insanity, and intelligence all correlate
As an order to follow, or not
1. Complete-ignorance-bliss
2. Intellect-learn-inferno
3. Truthful-insanity-happiness

I remember the first time someone saw you push me.
She had turned to me , shocked ;
appalled at what she just witnessed... appalled I let it happen.

I remember the first time
you screamed at me,
your breath horrid , so close to my face..
reeking of beer and *****.

I remember the night your dad watched you
hold me against a wall,
not moving, not stopping,
not preventing. I pleaded, crying... He just pretended it wasn't his buisness .

I remember the night you threw me in the car
screaming over the bridge,
telling me you didn't care, my
eyes squeezed shut , 90 miles an hour.

I remember your hand around my throat,
that look you had. There was no one behind your eyes,
you were empty. A monster.

I remember the light switch.
The person I loved..to the demon I hated.
Your voice changed,  it was like I could you see falling into that blackness.

...I remember packing my things and being stronger then I thought..
I remember you screaming how much I would regret it.
I remember you begging for chances...I was tired.

I remember needing to love myself , more then I loved you .

If I were a poet,
I'd write words of wisdom and insight

In places of least convenience
In places one wouldn't expect,
Because when searching for enlightenment
There's no chance of finding it

Instead,
I'd write love stories and life lessons
On stained walls,
Crumbling bricks,
The corners of sidewalks

Traps laid for the unprepared
Traps laid to be stumbled upon
Unexpectedly and suddenly,
Perfectly and when needed most


However, I am no poet and know nothing of these things,
Nothing but wisdoms and insights stumbled upon past.

Can't Afford

Life is slowly falling apart,
can't even afford to go to Walmart.
Can't even afford the Dollar Tree,
no window to throw out my *** of ***.
Can't afford to pay my bills,
no money left for my bi-polar pills.
Can't afford to eat or drink,
I'm broke, is what I think.
No more water, no more electric,
I'm even to poor to be eccentric.
Can't afford gas or cable,
Yes, I am mentally unstable.
Can't afford to buy a pen, wrote this in blood,
in my tears, I'm drowning in the flood.
House is in foreclosure,
listen closely, you can hear the bulldozer.
Had to sell everything I own,
nobody will ever give me a loan.
I walk around in my underwear,
like Mother Hubbard, my cupboard is bare.
Not one job to be had,
can't afford to call my mom or dad.
Walls around are closing in,
no way out, I just can't win.
Can't afford to live, but afraid to die,
doesn't that make you wanna cry.
Can't afford to wipe my own ***,
lets see you try to use broken glass.
If misery loves company,
where's the rest of the people with no money.
Can't afford a hair cut, my hair is so long,
my life is like a bad country song.
Tried selling drugs on the street,
things went good till I got beat.
In conclusion, I so **** broke,
my life turned out to be one fat joke.

I am a bee
Hiding in the hard skin of a wasp
Living like a lying ghost
Among the ascensions, the decensions
Of their paper nest.

Born in a honeycomb
I wonder when life became
Less like honey and
More like venom
To me -
I was designed to fail
The moment my wings grew
Too small for my furry, fat body -
Maybe it's just Mother Nature
Telling me what I'm meant to be.

Had I tear ducts I'd weep
Alas I can only pretend morning dew
Is my sadness collected on a blade of grass,
For I fear these angry, swarming creatures
Will notice I am not like them
And then will prey upon me
Until they rip me open
And my dust will spill out
Until I am nothing
But sinking motes of yellow and black.

Mother Nature, in her infinite compassion,
Laughs.

This trumpeter of nothingness, employed
To keep our reason dull and null and void.
This man of wind and froth and flux will sell
The wares of any who reward him well.
Praising whatever he is paid to praise,
He hunts for ever-newer, smarter ways
To make the gilt seen gold; the shoddy, silk;
To cheat us legally; to bluff and bilk
By methods which no jury can prevent
Because the law's not broken, only bent.

This mind for hire, this mental *******
Can tell the half-lie hardest to refute;
Knows how to hide an inconvenient fact
And when to leave a doubtful claim unbacked;
Manipulates the truth but not too much,
And if his patter needs the Human Touch,
Skillfully artless, artlessly naive,
Wears his convenient heart upon his sleeve.

He uses words that once were strong and fine,
Primal as sun and moon and bread and wine,
True, honourable, honoured, clear and keen,
And leaves them shabby, worn, diminished, mean.
He takes ideas and trains them to engage
In the long little wars big combines wage...
He keeps his logic loose, his feelings flimsy;
Turns eloquence to cant and wit to whimsy;
Trims language till it fits his clients, pattern
And style's a glossy **** or limping slattern.

He studies our defences, finds the cracks
And where the wall is weak or worn, attacks.
lie finds the fear that's deep, the wound that's tender,
And mastered, outmanouevered, we surrender.
We who have tried to choose accept his choice
And tired succumb to his untiring voice.
The dripping tap makes even granite soften
We trust the brand-name we have heard so often
And join the queue of sheep that flock to buy;
We fools who know our folly, you and I.