i’ve been waking up in a cold sweat lately from dreams that are heavy, complex and physically pin me down by my aching lungs. i will lie in the tangles of my sheets trying to catch my breath and re-trace the dreams, desperately trying to hold onto that feeling of being so alive and apart of something bigger than you and i combined. it’s much like trying to chase a shadow in an evening sunset and without fail all i can remember are you and me, on the brink of sacrificing our lives for the good of others. i don’t know who you are and i can never make out the features of your face but i can still feel the warm calluses of your palms against my own, the scratch of your fingernails on my scalp as you would run your fingers through my hair, the roughness of your trench coat whipping across my ankles as you would walk beside me, and the tight grip of your arms across my chest as you would pull me out of harm’s way. i feel as if you’ve been haunting me for years now and i’m tired of mistaking you for the men who show up in my life with similar features but only end up taking me apart piece by piece.
16 march, 2014
it’s been snowing all day and any semblance of spring that was evident yesterday is now covered up and gone. i feel i may never escape this season and all that it has brought me. i can’t seem to keep warm, to unfurl my body from the rigidness it has been stuck in since october. i look back on old photos from when the leaves were changing and the air had a cool, crisp smell to it and i barely recognize myself in them. no amount of makeup can cover up the veins of jagged cracks that were left behind after the wake of it all. it keeps me up at night that the fact a boy i knew for maybe five minutes occupies my mind more than the boy i spent over a year with. it bothers me that i allow myself to think about either of them, two boys who gave me nothing in return. it bothers me that my memory is so hazy and that remembering the good times are becoming harder and harder to reach. it bothers me that i don’t have the strength some days to make an effort to think about what i want. i’m so used to molding myself to the whims of others in an effort to keep the peace that i’m beginning to wither and fade, suffocating under the frigid vastness of this unrelenting season.
2 march, 2014
i want to write down everything i feel i haven’t been completely honest about with you. i feel as if you don’t see me clearly and that it’s been made foggy and indistinct from all the wrong conversations, lack of moments, and too much alcohol. i worry that in an effort to grapple with my own insecurities i’ve made myself out to be a woman that is not quite real, that’s not quite me. i haven’t said the words that i couldn’t quite force out and i want to say them to you now. i want a do-over, a restart. i want to introduce myself to you all over again without the hesitation and avoided eye contact. i want to explain how unbearbly awkward i am when it comes to texting. i want to take back that sorry excuse of a joke and how i didn’t end up returning your call immediately. i should’ve called you right back and gone on that walk with you through the humid louisiana night. i should’ve not been so fearful. i want to tell you about my beliefs in god all over again because it didn’t come from a deeper part of my soul like it should have. i want to explain that i am not usually that cranky as i was that last day we worked together and that you unfortunately saw a bad moment within myself that was the inevitable meltdown of weeks of not sleeping, a poor diet, and the shadows of a past love clinging to my every move. i want to tell you more about how i grew up without glossing over the entire decade i’ve tried to mentally wall off. i want to re-do last night not just because it was wrong but because it was so perfect, so perfect on your part. i can still feel the burn of your five o’clock shadow scraping across my bare back and i want to go back and tell you what that did to me. i want to have said your name more. i want to have told you how nervous i was without trying to act like i wasn’t a little over my head with how much i wanted you. i want to go back and tell you how much i enjoy talking to you, however mundane it is. i want to be able to say all of these things but i am worried it may be a little too late and that the world is spinning faster than i can handle.
13 february, 2014
i miss the dog-days of summer, the air static and full of noise. i miss the lightening that makes my heart skip a beat and the sweat that forms on my brow and down the rivets of my spine as i laid with you in your bed. i miss cooling the hot pads of my feet in the tap water of your kitchen sink and when you’d lean in for a kiss i could smell the salt on your skin before tasting it on my tongue. i miss tank tops, cotton dresses, and the hum of ceiling fans with the cicadas buzzing into their crescendos as the breeze slowly shifts the heaviness of the air from one corner of the room to another. we’d find sanctuary in lake michigan and solace in burying our bare feet between the bristles of ryegrass in the park. i miss the sizzle and pop of rain pounding the blistering asphalt and fingers and lips sticky from melted ice cream cones.
1 march, 2013
the first time you told me you loved me was in a tiny hotel room by the river in limerick and i remember your ankles hooked around mine, our bones clanking together under the starch of the sheets. the second time your voice was warm from several pints of guinness and you were playing me fairytale of new york on your old piano that will be forever just a step out of tune. i could only laugh in response because i suddenly forgot how to use the words that i’ve spent years trying to comprehend. the third time you were out on your back patio, smoking a cigarette before heading to bed and the fourth on a freezing night out on a busy street in galway. i know you can hear the hesitation in my voice, the mild fear that shakes at the end of every exhale. you never mention it but you still keep using the words i love you as if you’re attempting to teach me a phrase in a foreign language in the hopes that one day i’ll pick up on what you’ve been trying to say to me all this time.
28 nov, 2012
i have decided that my favorite sound in the world right now is the boyfriend calling me on his way home slightly drunk from a night out at the pubs and i can barely understand him through his slurring accent and his feet dragging on the cobble-****** street and i can hear him smoking a cigarette and he just keeps going on and on about how beautiful he thinks i am and how much he misses me. his compliments are usually sporadic and i am never prepared for them. they always carry a tone with them that is unbridled and heavy, as if he just lost a hard-fought battle of containing them all in. all i can do is laugh sometimes and appreciate everything we have that much more before whispering, "i miss you too."
12 oct, 2012
you mentioned in passing today how there are times when i will give you a look and it sets you off balance and you don’t know why. i rambled on about my innate awkwardness and lack of control over certain ****** expressions because i was too afraid to tell you how those looks are me trying to keep it all in. you bring out a side of me i have never seen before, someone who is happy and steady and settled close to the warmth of the ground. it’s exciting and nerve-wracking. at night i have these dreams of us in your sitting room with you banging away on your piano and we’re both sweating from the heat from the fire in the fireplace we put together ourselves. i have these dreams where we’re back on grafton street, our palms pressed tightly together in the pocket of your coat and it’s so real that i wake up with my hands still tingling from the cold dublin air. you are thousands of miles away and you are everywhere at the same time and i am ready for whatever comes as long as i get to keep you with me at the end of it all.
23 sept, 2012