We were going to be forever
We were going to stay by each other for life
Be shoulders for crying, have hands to wipe tears away
It had been seven months
Seven months, I took  chance on you
October
October 21 began the first of three nights
All of us sat in our rooms letting secrets through
You helped me see light when I was surrounded in a nineteen year old darkness
You were my first love, My first love that wasn’t lust
You were my first love, My first love of a girl
The night I had kissed you, the night I kissed you, the night you had stayed so close to me
That was the last of two nights
Two nights leading to the whole summer crying

I think my "drug problem" started in seventh grade
When my best friend opened her mouth and showed me her teeth made of pretty pills
And saliva tasted like whiskey
It progressed in eighth grade when we started sneaking ***** into school instead of water bottles
She started drinking spiked coffee on the daily
Bringing in baggies of rummy gummy bears
Over the summer she smoked ***
And I learned to swallow three pills at a time
Our freshman year we skipped three days in a row
And I learned how to disguise the smell of cigarettes into bubbly perfumes
I got prescribed yellow little bottles  
Over the summer I smoked ***
Sophomore year came and we skipped school l
Till my parents caught on
We snorted our first pill together
I started buying
Over the summer
We partied
Till we puked
She got arrested
And I learned how to line

Watching people perform
Their poetry
Is my favorite thing
Your sharp inhale
Breathing the words
Exhaling art
Your hands
Fly around the room
Grabbing thoughts
And pulling them together
Your body moves
To the rhythm you speak
You look like
You feel at peace
You look so at home
Even though your hands shake
Your voice quivers
I love watching you read
I love hearing your voice
It's smooth like honey
Addictive like nicotine
My favorite thing
Is seeing
Hearing
People perform their poetry

I'm chasing what kills me

Last night I broke two promises
One I've kept for almost two years
And one I've kept since last january
I said I'd never cut to die again
I said I'd never see bone
But I didn't know cutting myself off
From feeding myself substances
Would make me crave my blood
And I don't know how Ill cope
With out my dope
I said I was going to get clean
And I didn't want to break that promise after just two days
You said its bad
But you've only seen the tip of the iceberg
I'm trying to play this off so you don't get stuck in this sticky web of addiction
I wear long sleeves so you don't see where the needle went in
I can't give you my money with out wiping off white powder
I'm trying to cope
But its so **** hard without my dope
I can already feel withdrawal
My body shakes
I scream out trying to not let my body collapse
Its new sorts of agony
I wish
I hadn't found this pain
I wish this hadn't become my life
I've been clean for not a whole day
I don't know that I can stay
This way
To cope
With out my dope
I have to break old promises
But I don't know what
I will become
When you ask me to keep blood
In my viens
Because other promises might
   have
     to
        be
           broken

My clothes drop,
heart beats,
Polaroid Camara flashes,
******* lines.

Infatuated with your poetry
With your big headphones
Crooked nose
The way you hold your head high
You walk with a confidence I am jealous of
You write
And I wish those words
Were for me
I wish you were writing a cast around my heart
I want to write out the feelings
Feeling that I get
Reading your poetry
Pretending you wrote for me
Pretending I am the girl with pale skin
Blowing bubble gum bubbles around your heart
I wish I was your midnight walk
I wish I was the infatuation
Infatuation of your poetry
I wish I was that temporary gravitational pull
You couldn’t get away from
I wish I was the blonde
Blonde girl
your eye was on
But I am the
olive skin girl
With pink hair
Blowing smoke rings
Around my head
Hoping to blind myself
So I can just pretend
You wrote those poems for me

Please everyone, I know not everyone prays, but my niece is having Anaphylaxis . Please keep her in your prayers, or in mind.

Two months --
And a maybe
68 days --
And a .1% chance
Eight more days
To take upwards of three
tests to see
If my life --
Our life --
Is changing
Or maybe I was right the first time, Just mine
Because when I told you about worry
You told me about clinics
When I talked about
Talking to parents
You told me you didn't even want your mom to know
Seventeen and Sixteen
You tell me you don't want to be a statistic
Another cliche
But I don't want to be a graveyard
I don't want to grow flowers either
You asked me why I'm worried now
And I have no words to describe the feeling in my gut
The odd sense of paranoia
With no evidence for my worry
A little over 9 weeks
And a trembling thought
2632 hours
And anxious feelings
-P.S. I'm keeping it-

rain
is all
the people
who have died
crying
for those
who
are doing
wrong

You were never strong
Even in those moments when I thought you were, you are not, have not will never be strong
You let the victim card define you
And while you survived many things
thats all you did
You never over came
You were never the gold you sang you were
at most you were a gold covered chocolate coin
Gross on the inside
Covered with false light
You just turned 18
You can't play the victim card to get out of jail
You can't play it to get out of court
And no matter how loud you sing
The stench of the drugs and alcohol in your system will always be louder
You said you were proud of yourself
Not like your father
Or your brother
Oh but yes you were
Ever bottle to your lips was
There are days I wish I never would have met you
Never would have tasted the sin you subjected me to
Wish I would have retained my innocence  
But now I look at gold covered candies
And thinks of your sin

I stand still listening to the clicking trigger of your words
As the bullet shooting from your mouth hits a still new wound
And even though this all past just over a year ago
Every time my battle scars from this ongoing war start to heal
A new obstacle must be conquered, and new wounds form
What you did to me was repeated
not once
not twice
Four more times
****
******
and Child *******
All used to just be words to me
Officers
Judges
And district attorneys
Were once all just people
Your **** joke may be funny to you
But think of the people who really lived through it

Insert tasteless **** joke here*
I stand still listening to the clicking trigger of your words
As the bullet shooting from your mouth hits a still new wound
And even though this all past just over a year ago
Every time my battle scars from this ongoing war start to heal
A new obstacle must be conquered, and new wounds form
What you did to me was repeated
not once
not twice
Four more times
****
******
and Child *******
All used to just be words
Officers
Judges
And district attorneys
Were once all just people
Your **** joke may be funny to you
But think of the people who really lived through it
The *** end of your **** joke
The boys and girls standing
Hiding behind the façade of petty laughter

Wake up
Put on your face
so you can pretend your demons
Don’t chase you
Realize you don’t love yourself
Go to the kitchen
See all the pills you have to take
to stop the shaking
to stop the voices
to stop the depression
Realize all you are is a mix of pills
Make breakfast and listen to your dad call you fat
As he walks away your confidence with your untouched breakfast
Realize you don’t love yourself
Take your pills
With a glass of water
and a shot of whiskey
Realize all you are is a mix of pills
Go to bed
Dream its okay
Wake up
Realize you don’t love yourself

~She will fall so hard you will need to pick her up
~She will take in every word you say and turn it into a weapon of self destruction
~She will write novels about the little things you do
~Every kiss with her will last to the count of infinity
~She will need you at two a.m. to stitch her battle wounds
~You will have to take on the job of being a safety net to catch her when she slips
~She will beg you to part the clouds so she can dance it the sunlight with you
~She will fight you till the end of time for trying to say she is beautiful
     ~She will never just take your compliments
~She will lie and say she's okay when there is a war in her head
**~She will love you more than she can love herself

.. My poetry is ******
My head is spinning
And I'm all alone

RIP Waterbear,
You never were anything but an idea
A very scary idea

Sad young boy
Don’t cry
Put on a smile
Laugh away the nightmares
It’s only a dream
Not a reality
Don’t worry about them
Focus on you
Sad young boy
Smile cheerily
Don’t think
Live in the moment
Don’t let them get the best of you
You may not be able to see it
But I can see your light
Bright and beautiful
You make people so happy
Can you do that for you?
Sad young boy
I love you

Sad young boy
Don’t cry
Put on a smile
Laugh away the nightmares
It’s only a dream
Not a reality
Don’t worry about them
Focus on you
Sad young boy
Smile cheerily
Don’t think
Live in the moment
Don’t let them get the best of you
You may not be able to see it
But I can see you light
Bright and beautiful
You make people so happy
Can you do that for you?
Sad young boy
I love you

I finally realized why I reach for a sound button when I'm all alone
Its something I started doing
I've seen my father do it day after day
In the silence
We reach for a sound button
*To turn down the voices in our heads

Clicking heels make an almost deafening sound in the nearly empty front hallway. The bright florescent lights sending glaring light on the ***** linoleum tiles. The trophy case full of empty accomplishments and forgotten triumphs.
The few straggling students stumble in slowly shuffling to the attendance office for a pass. A few stop and ask for the time, what hour to go to, only to realize they have a full day ahead of them.
The gossip type chatter of the counselors drifts into the hallway, and you can sense that they need just as much counseling and bully prevention as the kids. The annoyed pessimistic voices of all the men and women in the office spill out like gusts of wind every time the door is opened.
The cold depressing feeling of this prison haunts, as the real physical cold of the building chills you. A girl crying runs into the counseling office only to be taken back out to talk about her problem in public.
The tisking of the janitor is overpowered by the smell of chemicals just being slopped onto door knobs and sloshed over fountains. The disapproving scowl of the assistant principal is directed at kids drudging through the halls aimlessly, but a voice of guidance is never heard.
The smell of cigarettes marrs not only the kids but the teachers and adults coming back in after going outside. The police officers stand joking by the front entrance.
But its all good, its just another day in Highschool.

Long waving rolling green hill
Bathing in the early morning dew
Soft flower peddles
Push off your skin
Roll in the purity of ****** nature
cascading droplets
soft grass blades
Mothers touch

Let these words
Slip of my tongue
And hang in the air
Like smoke
Let them
Become something you crave
More than the nicotine
That poisons your body
Make them your addictions
That thing you need at two in the morning
The thing you can't stop thinking about
Let these words off my tongue
Hanging in the air
Breath them in
Let them take over your body
Get your high
Off my words
Let my tongue be your addiction

Broken is something that happens to machines
It means gears are rusted, chains are busted
But people aren't machines
So you can't break people
Only makes them stronger

Same
****
Different
Day

"Everyday I wake up, hit the snooze button,  go to school, get ****** at my immature friends, or at the school, go home, write poetry, and go to sleep."
Every one
Is stuck in this rut
We can't get out
It starts when were little
Routine is pounded in our heads
Routine
Routine
ROUTINE
ROUTINE
Get in a pattern
Don't get out
All we need
Is a new start
Get out of this prison
This rut
Our prison
SSDD
Is poisoning us
Put in our water
Fed to the young
The water in the fountains
All we are
Is a new disorder

Water that stands still becomes a poisonous petri dish of parasites
No one willingly drinks it
No one, not even dogs can survive on it

You told me people were changing
Tried to make me promise not to change
I didn’t think anything of it
I’ve always been a creature of habit
But I didn’t realize every still frame you took of us was turning us too still -
Stagnent

Every Creek runs a stream
Every stream runs a river
And water is always traced back to the oceans
The oceans
They support millions if not billions of creatures
Millions of different sources creating a big beautiful constantly moving changing habitat
Every part working together
And while parts of the ocean get terribly still
There is always a storm
Wave crashing destroying beautiful things
Only to be rebuilt in an even more fantastic way

Now don’t get me wrong stagnant water supports life
Like disease carrying bugs
And the bacteria that can give you malaria
Stagnation can take over whole creeks, streams, even ponds
Destroying whole ecosystems
Letting things rot

You said that I have started to change
Tried to make me think I was doing the wrong thing
When I put myself and my family first
When I kept running
You kept yelling
“WE HAVE TO STAND STILL”
Your toxicity can no longer touch me
I’ve found the ocean
An amazing ecosystem working together supporting life
Moving together and separately
Supporting growth

While your stagnant puddles are evaporating from the sunlight,    
The bugs keep crawling on you

But your disease can no longer touch me
Parasites can no longer reach me
I’m running and flowing
moving and growing through this ocean
And you stay still
In your still frame stagnant puddle

Sitting in my room,
staring at my phone,
Looking at our texts.
My heart melts seeing
those little heart emojis.
I’m staying awake
for hopes to fall for you.

Deep in the black of the night,
Laying in bed, staying awake for you.
This feeling I cannot begin to ponder
Marks this unending wonder.

I’m falling, and this time it’s not so scary.
It’s fast as hell, But I’m ready to take a chance.
At school I wait to talk to you,
Getting butterflies that you might feel this way too.

The highlight of my day
Isn't just that someone talks to me,
But someone I can understand.
Someone that loves my poetry.
Maybe someday, we can be free.

We met through poetry, my first love,
And now it’s setting me free, to be with you.
Lets run away together, We can be
star-crossed-poets, Not just lovers.

If I told you that I wanted to take your hand
And fly away with you, would you believe me?
So many times I’ve been crushed from society,
Being lifted back up from you is unfathomable.

I’m falling in love,
I’m sending you love,
Upload my hug,
I love you “yet”.*

This feeling called “love”
I have mistakened before
Is now stronger than ever.
I never wanted to tell you
With these barriers in our way,
But I can’t hold it back forever.

Look at yourself in the mirror tell yourself this is not your fault
Repeat this step till it is not a lie
2. Gather everything that reminds you of them
Put it in a box, stare at it till it is meaningless
3. Put the box on the curb
1. This is not your fault
4. Delete all pictures of them off your phone, out of your mind, they are just taking up memory
5. You have to erase them from your social media, every picture, every tag, post, indirect, tweet, poke, tbh, every re-post, every message
6. Write every word they have ever spoken to you
7. Burn it
6. Write every lie they have ever screamed at you
7. You have to burn it
1. Look at yourself in the mirror, tell yourself this is not your fault
This cannot be your fault
1. This is not your fault
8. Wear your favorite yellow dress, the one you never felt comfortable enough to wear around them
Sing your favorite song louder than they would ever let you
9  Listen to the sad songs, Adel on repeat, Taylor Swift, every sad song you can think of
You need to cry out the toxicity
10  Fill the gaps in your life with friends, all the people you could never hang out with
Pick up a new hobby, learn how to hem al the pants you have
11  Realize you never loved them, just the idea of them
12  Understand that looking through rose coloured glass red flags don’t look like red flags
1  This has never been you’re fault
You’re starting to realize this has never been your fault
13  Shave off all of your hair

Okay maybe not that extreme but cute your hair short, dye it black, electric blue
Do this for yourself something you’ve always wanted to do
Wear this as a proud sign saying “I’m over you”
0  Realize you’ve found closure
Understanding what happened was half of it
Know that your mind and your body are in the last stages of healing
You’re healing
You have found closure

I'm falling in love with someone I've never been able to touch.

The other day my friend that I met in the hospital came over
He entered my house through the window and 2 A.M.
And he left at five
I float to my bathroom, and my father steps out of his door frame
Turning on the light
Only to gasp and ask me why the lower half of my face was covered in blood
And as I touched my ****** nose I told him I didn't know
Because whats the point of a sinner
Telling a sinner their sins
Because my father would never understand
Why inhaling life through a straw
Is better than breathing through your mouth
Because no one would understand why at the age of sixteen
I know more about drugs than my mother and my father combined
And no one would understand that I'm trying to throw away all of my straws
And as I go to wash my ****** shirt
And get the blood off my hands
I get ready for a day of jitters and paranoia

I'm not going to fall in love with a boy that has better hair than me
- I have secret conversations with you in my head, they always go in the right direction when I control both sides
- When I look in your eyes I see cloudy stars with bright days in the future, when you look in mine all you can see is you

Words stuck in my head
A spinning carousel
I'm falling down to hell
I need help
Please help
I'm drowning
I'm drowning
*and i cant save my self

Every artist has dabbled here and there with everything from
Making your own artificial clouds into the night sky
Letting tabs of lysergic acid diethyl amide melt onto your tongue
There are those who not only put pen to paper
But put needle to skin
There are those born with ideas, and those who sniff them up with rolled up dollar bills
And there are theses who’s best thoughts come from nose bleeds and a heart rate of 150 bpm
There are those who lay putting all effort into form misshapen words on a blank canvas
and there are people over medicating falsified illnesses with the contents of yellow little bottles
There are those who drown themselves in self apathy, and agony

Everyone needs a super hero
But not everyone has a good one
We look up to men who us guns instead of words
And women who use their bodies to get what they think they deserve
Children start looking up to their mommies and daddies
But how are little girls and boys gonna do that gonna do that
when their daddies stay away all night and get high
And their mommies look at their phone more than them
When they can’t look up to their parents
They look up to false idols singing songs about drugs and ***
They look up to people they think care
Everyone needs a hero
Everyone needs to look up to someone
But not everyone has that

Dear tenderfoot, Don’t hurt yourself here
I am the jagged edges you will no doubtedly cut yourself on
Soft hands grabbing me in the night
Take me for a ride, and just drive
Simple sweet sin in the depths of your shallow soul
Fingers tied into yours
Pull me apart at the seems in the thick waves of your chestnut hair
Dear tenderfoot, you haven't earned your name yet so I will not say it

When I was young I wanted to be Crystal
It sounded so fragile and clear,
It was who I wanted to be
I felt so
muddy and alone
Then I wanted to be Lilly
Delicate and pure
The opposite of what I was at the time
No rough girl
with and older boyfriend could be called Lilly
I now want to be called Aurora
The galaxies on my skin
And in my hair
I am the light of the night
I am cold

The lighter I lit my first cigarette with
The lighter that gave me my first burn
The lighter that I drew band logos on
The lighter my best friend gave me
The lighter my best friend stole for me
The lighter that was in my pocket when I kissed a girl for the first time
The lighter I still keep even though it doesn't light
The fire that accidentally set my carpet on fire
The lighter that guided me through the tunnels
The lighter that fell out of my pocket when I kissed the boy I loved
The lighter I love
The lighter who's love is not returned
The lighter that fell on the floor in class
The lighter that got me written up
My lighter
The lighter I can't refill
The lighter with no purpose
Only memories
The lighter
My lighter
My perfect lighter

The, Oh I just can’t stand this pain
The, I will never get him out of my head
The, Why me, why me
The, this is my fault
The, I’m forever ****** up now
The, I hate you so much
The, don’t touch me
The, I jump at the sound of leaves
The, I head footsteps coming to my door
The, How did I manage to get into this
The, Every movement you make will  cause me to flinch
The, Don’t give me metaphors to heal my heart
The, Don’t touch me
The, I said don’t touch me
The, A hug is touching me so please stop
The, your walking to close behind me
The, this is my fault
The, If I smell him I will burst into tears
The, every face in a dark room is his
The, Why do I still think its my fault
The, If you grab my shoulder I might start crying
The, No I don’t want to talk about it
The, I don’t have to tell you if I don’t want to
The, please stop asking me
The, Yes I knew Him
The, no, you don’t have to be walking home alone in a dark ally for this to happen
The, I said no
The, he didn’t listen
The, why wouldn’t he listen
The, I still think its my fault
The, No man can ever heal me
The, Yes there are good men out there, but I don’t want you  to “heal me”
The, no, not every poem I write is inspired by him
The, no I don’t hate ***
The, no I don’t hate me
The, Your touching me again
The, No I will not talk about this
The, It’s not my fault poem

The take off
You start your life wanting to be a mom
Like a lot of little girls
Then as you get older and you see your mom working you realize you can’t just be a mom
So you want to be a vet
you get to middle school
and you see that being a vet is too much work with the grades you have
You decided you want to be famous
Look through all the thing you can be famous for
Realize you cannot sing
You have a very strong tell
And you laugh when you try to be serious
So acting is out
And you weren’t born with a body like Kim K’s
Or born with the money to get it
Come to the idea that you can’t be famous if you aren’t like other famous people
Settle for the idea you’ll be working some menial job you’ll hate
Just like your mom and dad
Just like your aunts and uncles
Just like everyone else in your family
Realize you love writing
Like no one else in your family
Pencil and paper always near by
And if not
You have three different journal apps on your phone
and four on your laptop
Along with two poetry blogs
And the hope you had for starting a book
The hope that started in 2014
that hasn’t been messed with
Realize you want to really write a book
And be the poet lauriet
Realize your dreams of being famous aren’t that far away
Come to the shocking reality that you cannot support yourself on just this book
Decide you want to be an easthation
A word you cannot even spell
So you can wax peoples legs and arms
And parts of people you don’t want to see
Go through your last year of high school
Get put back into carters class
See how this teacher has changed your life
Opened you from your shell
See that you have made real progress
Not just in your writing but through that
You have become a better person
See that the take off
Started when you realized that you wanted to be a teacher

I would just really like someone to help me with a poetry book
If you have any connections or advice for me I would love to hear from any one
Please if you have any type of advice or anything. or maybe look at my poems for constructive criticism, I wold LOVE your help

I just want to inspire,
I remember coming here last year,
And **** did I admire,
The kids who got up,
And had the guts to speak,
Because I thought my voice was weak,
I just needed to find my time,
And it's so cliché but my time is now
And I'm going to own it
It's just like Carter said on the first day
"We're a little bit of this and a little bit of that"
Well I'm a little bit brave
And a little bit afraid
But I am one hundred percent trying to reach you
I want you to
Scream out
If you are afraid
You will never know what you are made of
Till you at least try
There are unspoken afraid poets
Dreamers
Believers
Go getters
Waiting for a sign
Look no further
Your sign is right here, right now
Go, find your voice use it
Grab a pen, a pencil, chalk, anything, write it
Speak out!
I don't want to just reach the afraid
I want to praise the brave
The Spoken brave poets
The never silent
The achieving
The do-ers
You found your voice
You got out there
Your speaking
Writing out
My goal is to inspire
Because **** I want to admire
your spoken words
your written words
Your will be words
Waiting to exist
You poets
Will be poets
It your time,
so stop waiting,
Own it

His name is buried into my skin quite literally
And figuratively
Arms in the air
Chest out, swan dive to the pavement
And in the three seconds before touch down you will hear his name peeling off my skin
He has always been the skeleton in my closet
The monster under my bed
He whose name shall not be said
Because he will always fine you
And then leave you
Three seconds before touch down

Lighting rod between my teeth
You are static electricity built up in the clouds
I'm just waiting for shock to set in

Turn off my emotions, they hurt my heart too much.

Typing fingers
faster
pause
read
see the excitement in your screens reflection
type
a little too quickly
and wait
wait
wait
wait
see yourself checking
just one time
one more time
one more time
and
read
smile
see in in the reflection
type just a little too quickly

repeat

She caught me smoking
My sticks of cancer
I dropped and stomped one out
To tell her I only smoke recreationally
Only to let smoke drip of my teeth
And seep through my skin

But at least she doesn't know about the THC
Making the breathing space so thin
Or the pills wearing down my hair
I act like I don't care
But its wearing down every fiber
Of my dying body

Thick thighs sitting in a small seat
Squeezing myself together
Compress my body into a small space
Make me thin
I'm pushing into my skin again
A small tear in the soft under belly of my arm
I want to tear my self apart
Silent screaming
Let me be thin

I've been trying to become famous
Letting my grades slip
Creating explicit accounts
Let my name be synonymous with success
I want to be in your mouths
I want fame
I want you to Hear the word Aurora
and think of everything I am