Cold weather isn't good for old souls

My parents and I were talking
And then I started rapping
Some Childish Gambino
Only to have my dad say that I was never going to go anywhere in life
If I continued to listen to rap "and all that *******"
Because fast words and derogatory terms will apparently hurt your mental
When some of the brightest, highest educated people I know
listen to rap
In fact I want to pursue rap as a career
Because what is rap but poetry with a nice beat
And frankly if my parents wont support me "I don't give a **** about my family name"

It's to cold to have the window open
But I need to smoke my cigarettes

I put on the cologne you left at my house
A dab on my sleeve
I've been holding it to my nose and thinking of you
You were my everything
and with each bitter sweet scent comes a bitter sweet memory
I loved you
Even when you just love my body
Or what you left it
I hate myself
with out you
You were this other half of me that was completed and I was always so happy and I know that people say you can't fall in love at a young age
But I did
I feel in love at 13 and I miss you
You are locked away for the next 22 years
you already served one year
and what the **** I miss you

Right now all I am
Is a jumbled cloud of lost thoughts
Empty words
Stumbling in the fog of my own
Depression

I can't think of what to write
Pen to paper
Fingers to keys
I cant think of what this piece needs
- What inspiration
- What desperation
I can't think
There seems to be nothing left

Sit pretty
Bat your eyes
Don't make a mistake

Fingertips
running over her hips
Your touch on her thigh
Has her screaming silent cries
As your hands go low
And your begging her to show
But she doesn't want to go
All the way
She tries to keep you at bay
But you are persistent
And she tries to be resistant
But your pushing is to hard
And your acting as if she has no heart

So she lets you in

Sitting in my room
Face glowing with a
harsh
bright
glow
From my phone
Seeing your typing
Seeing your texts
Seeing
you
send
infatuation
"I don't love you
yet"
"the feeling is mutual"
I'm in class now
I don't check my phone
Knowing your not there
But you will be
You make me feel
Like I'm not alone
You make me feel
Like I'm understood
You hear me
But your not here
With me
I don't know
Where I'm going with this
But I don't love you
Just *yet

But what do you do if there is nothing left to write

Lanky
Pale
Messy fudge hair
His shorts look a little too short
His nose looks kinda funny

Oopss

It hit the back of my throat
****** taste in the back of my throat
The message sent from your mom
at 12:27 in the morning
But it didn’t hit
reality didn’t hit me till 10: 23
th moring
The pills I bought for you are   now
in the pitof my stomachne
and now I know how yopu felt      aoll this time
Theb morth we spent apart

I've just been staring at my journal lately
Words don't come in waves like they used to
Tidal waves that took days to process
And ten poems to get through
Maybe its just the clearing of negativity
Or maybe its just my depression taking over again
I write in drops now
The drips of a leaking faucet
You can't water a garden with drips and drops
You can't harvest words that haven't grown yet

Thick thighs sitting in a small seat
Squeezing myself together
Compress my body into a small space
Make me thin
I'm pushing into my skin again
A small tear in the soft under belly of my arm
I want to tear my self apart
Silent screaming
Let me be thin

I've been trying to become famous
Letting my grades slip
Creating explicit accounts
Let my name be synonymous with success
I want to be in your mouths
I want fame
I want you to Hear the word Aurora
and think of everything I am

Talking about styles in class
The teacher points to me
How my clothes make a rebel
My attitude has no cause
My hair shows my need for attention
My expensive jacket shows wealth
But my cheap flats revel I am poor
I turn my attention to her
I say nothing
I just nod
She could figure me out in a few seconds
But I haven't been able to find myself out in 15 years

My intentions are not to try to steal your boy
I do not want him
I simply wanted closer
A final heart stopper to **** this infatuation  
I do not want him
Not after you took who he was and altered him into
Your own creation
He no longer has wild stories to tell
But the words "no I can't do that" slip from his mouth all too often
I wanted to say words that have the world in their meaning, so I could know that I didn't want to speak all of creation to him
You see there was a time when I wanted to
I would have given him every plant on this green earth
But you my dear, aren't into gardening
You see, I no longer wish for him
But if you are insecure enough to think that you need to defend your relationship to me
What does that say about you

I want a love so deep
and unexplainable
the ocean will become jealous

I want to be even more famous than Shakespeare
But I am more like jane doe

I saw this poem you wrote
and I got my hopes up
Sky high
and then I realized
It wasn't for me
But I keep it tucked in my mind
because maybe one day
it could be

That heart tattoo
Baby it doesn’t exist yet
Right now it is a small collection of stars on my thighs
My own galaxy
where I can play god
Its slowly expanding and soon
I’ll make it a black hole
And I’ll keep adding to it
Till it consumes me
And I will be gone from time, and light
And you

What kind of name is gyluss

I was standing outside
Smoking cancer
And I saw your shirt
My favorite band
And you already had me entangled in your fingers

Drugs feel decaf
popping pills
like candy
now I'm just getting a sugar rush
Downing six packs
that turn into twelve packs
that turn into an amount
That I refuse to count
You asked me why I started to like needles
and dear
Thats because I am afraid of them
I need a new tactic to build up a new rush
And phobias give me the pumping adrenaline I need

Sitting out side crying
Because I don't feel like my best friend lives me like she used too
I came I've here because I was depressed
And I needed her
But her boyfriend came over
And now it's one on the morning and he's still here
And I'm crying on her back porch
Wanting to go home
But it's too late to ask my mom

She tried to drop out of school
And I still supported her
She's been my best friend for four years on the 2141st of October
But what if I can't handle four more years

Sitting on her back porch crying
I have no one to talk to
And no where to go
My only comfort is writing

Him
He is there
Pleather Jacket bleaching the top of his hair
He is
New
Strange
I get a weird feeling looking at his face
Fake gauges
Long eyelashes
A new student to the school
He has two of my classes
He is
--- Unidentified
I'm intrigued

You're love is anemic
Theres barely any flow

Sometimes I read a poem
and I get sad because someone wrote it
Before I had the idea
and I try to remake is
but beauty gets lost in translation

I didn't know it was possible to get your heart broken this fast.
I haven't had my first date with him yet.
I'm slowly withering away.
I don't know why
I love him

**** every hope I ever had
with your deathray eyes

Getting out of your car
Thighs stuck to the leather seats
and to some pretty girl
Grab bags
grab phone
Grab your bestfriend and hold her tighter than a new mother holds an infant
walk slowly on the asphalt to the apartment doors
have some shirtless guy run out of the door
looking for alcohol
like bees look for pollen
walk up the rusting grate stairs, two at a time
hear the white noise of your friend talking
nod and smile
enter the dimly florescent hallway and hear restless chatter
see the blood stain on the wall
open the door

and thats where I leave you

I'm so glad he's gone
Because "go **** yourself *****" is no way to great some one

You are a poem
Comparing your white skin to paper
Blue veins to blue lines
your story written on you
like the ink on this paper

I need a form of closure
Because I don't really know if anything that happened was real
If your fingers really traced my thighs
If your teeth really broke the skin
If you really ever held me close
To know anything
Because even though you ruined me
You also created me

I figured out my suicide plan doctor
You've been asking if I had one
And now I do
I want to swallow just enough pills
Not to much
Just enough to make the voices in my head finally go way
Then I will climb to the roof
with my note books
Every single thing I've ever written
And I will bring my best friend
*****
Yes doctor, I've told you that I have other friends, but ***** was here when no one else was
And I will write till the voices come back
I will write about every time I have tried to **** myself
I will write a letter to everyone who knows me
Even the janitor that found me skipping class my sophomore year
And the boys on the bus from middle school
Even the people who wont let my name soil their lips
Doc, I'm gonna write these letters because I need everyone to have a permeant personal good bye, something physical
I will fill up two note books with everything I write
And then I will write to whatever god there may be
And tell them I'm sorry that I had to end everything this way
You see doctor I've never believed in God, but if there is even a small chance he's real I don't want to leave on bad terms
I'm going to write down every coping skill I know and address it in a letter to my parents
Then once I can no longer write even my name
I will stand and dance in the light of the moon
Letting the soft glow dance on my skin
And I will ignore the chill of the night
I will dance till my knees shake
And then I will speak to the moon
Doc the moon is like *****, Its always been there
I will apologize to the moon
Reaching to hold it in my arms
Toes on the edge
I will fall reaching for the moon
And in the final moments I will rejoice in the cool wind nipping at my skin
I will bask in the soft shimmer of the stars
I will say I'm sorry as the soft grass makes contact with the back of my head
You see doctor I've figured out my suicide plan

You give me asthma attacks and heart palpitations
But like, in a good way

I'm a writer
Let me scream it in the halls
And write poetry about it in class
I will promote myself every where I go
After all I'm a walking poetry piece
My name even rhymes

I fell in love with poems
Words typed by you
With nothing to go on
But short conversations
And length poems
I became infatuated with words

Tell me your sins
So I can bathe them away with my empathy
But you settle for mere conversations
With apathetic words

-What is Beauty?-
Cats, and you, and pizza, and you

Dear, you are my poetry in motion
Your fluid movement
Sharp chin, keen eyes
Baby, you are my poetry in motion
Even writers block
Can't stop my mindless ramblings over you
It can't stop my long winded description of every step you take
Sweetheart, you are my poetry in motion
Your loud footsteps carrying you closer to your dream
Your writing making people feel
Darling, you are my poetry in motion

About forty Million (18%) of Americans over 18 are affected by anxiety and anxiety related disorders.

You're not alone no matter how alone you feel
And maybe nothing feels real
But let me tell you it is
We are not fading nothing
We are not "but a dream within a dream"
We are real

Maybe everything is too real
Maybe feeling is something you'd rather not do
You just need to wait
And even if it takes years
You'll get better

Every eye may have the illusion of staying on you
Maybe every eye is on you
But it is not forever
It is a moment that will pass

You don't have to feel this way (alone)

She caught me smoking
My sticks of cancer
I dropped and stomped one out
To tell her I only smoke recreationally
Only to let smoke drip of my teeth
And seep through my skin

But at least she doesn't know about the THC
Making the breathing space so thin
Or the pills wearing down my hair
I act like I don't care
But its wearing down every fiber
Of my dying body

We are separated by screens
We fall in love
With false idols
Willing to give everything
For the love we don't get in our own house
We send Our lives over text
We spend our lives behind screens
We are hidden behind masks
It's turning into the Red Death
Each of us dying by half an hour
We are waiting for love to load
By we can't get a hug from a hard cold computer
We try to send love we don't know how to get ourselves
We are hiding behind screens
Hiding behind false names
We are hiding
Only to try to find love
But we can't upload a hug

I don’t think theres been a time that I felt more inclined to run to the bathroom crying with arms slit open crying the tears I don’t want you to ever see. I don’t think theres been a time when I was crying this ******* the inside and didn’t know why. I can feel my self filling up with the tears I’ve been bottling up, but now its hurting me because I’m slowly drowning myself alone in my own misery.


They say forcing a smile helps
Repeating a lie over and over again makes it a truth
But for once
I can’t even put on my mask
My façade failed me

I’m waiting to write a good piece
I’m waiting to write something amazing
I’m waiting to write a piece to touch your heart
I’m waiting to write a piece that will be something amazing
I’m waiting to write a piece that will be forever remembered
Or maybe just temporarily glorified

Sad lonely tree
Hanging on to that last little leaf
Not wanting to be alone
Oh sweet naive tree
Even though they move on with out you
You’ll have new friends again
It’s just fall
Wait till spring

Coughing fits
One A.M.
Glass pipes
And bud
loosely fit words
Flowing on the the page
Like smoke out of my mouth
Nose bleeds
Two A.M.
Cut straws
White lines
Along with the blue lines
On my paper, with scribbled words
Only half legible
Panic attacks
Three A.M.
Sharp thoughts
Red lines
Words scribed in cold blood
Not entirely true
Hospital trips
Four A.M.
I.V. lines
Stomach pumps
Screamed I’m sorry's from my mothers lips
Why would you do this cutting through the air from my fathers mouth
****** noses from stress
Heart monitor
Five A.M.
Dripping line
White room
Mama were going to keep her for  awhile
Police holding my mother back
My father hanging his head in shame

Don't you
Put your hands on me
Don't you
Push me down like that
Don't you build me up
To knock me down
Don't leave bruises
On my mind
On my skin
On everything I am
Don't tell me about
How good I am
When I'm not good enough
To be anything
But your *****

If time must have been created, then who created time, And does this person exist outside of time? Who created this creator and so on and so forth, and how does  on know any of this "Is but a dream within a dream" ~Edgar Allen Poe

I think I have new scratches on my shoulders, bruises on my neck, I’ve just made it to hell, And ******* came back