Last night I sat with you in a dimly lit room
As we talk i went from a school girls crush to love
Sitting in this room
Our chairs come close together
This light slowly brightens
And I finally feel this real true love
For once it is your hand that reaches out
As I take it you pull me close in a warm embrace
So comforting
You tell me secrets
You tell me your flaws
You pour out your heart
And slowly I do the same
Putting my heart on the line as you softly mutter
"I think I'm in love with you"
I  spill out these words back to you
And just as it all fall perfectly into place
I am ripped from you to the other side of the room
You fall hard to the floor unmoving
I try to run to you yet I cannot
As the worst of my panic sets in
An alarm goes off
And I am awake
I look to the clock to see its only four in the morning
And all I want to do is see if your okay
But I don't dare
Instead I take my bottle from under my bed
And drown my emotions in this numbing poision

In this pencil, crouch words that have never been spoken
As I lay the lead to this paper all the shame of me wanting you to like me slowly comes out, letting me write about how I have this terrible love that I hate, and it’s all for you.
I have let harm be my drug, picking my poison from yellow little bottles to numb my self of this pain
pain
pain is what I get when I see you but ******* see through me
these words are flowing out of me, this shaming is surfacing and all I wanna do is scratch it off, scratch away the feeling of this love this hate this shame this agony of loving the one who will never love me back or hear how much i love her
She won’t know about the nights I laid awake wishing for her
But then I think about the night I kissed you, I see now how wrong I was, I loved you so much I could bear being so close you so far, and words would have never been able to begin explaining how much I loved you
I had seen your eyes gleam and I had hoped it was a gleam of hope but looking back I can see your eyes we’re filled with disgust
I had loved you, and I still have a yearning in my heart to walk you to class
Kiss you in the halls so everyone knows your mine and I’m yours
I want to be overwhelmingly cliché and scream my love for you from the rooftops
But this shame is bubbling up reminding my that my head is in the clouds and I need to get my feet on the ground
This love is coming up to my mouth and I need to find a way to clamp it
shut so I won’t speak words you’ll never accept
But these are just  words in a pencil, and they float
These are just words
Hiding in a pencil
But they will be spoken

I do not know if I love you
Or merely the idea of you
Would it be hypocritical for a girl who does not believe in love
to say this?
I don’t want you to think that this is a promise,
Because I don’t want to break that
I don’t want to rip your heart out
Or for you to stop the shallow beats of mine
When I am around you my knees can’t stop shaking
My hands are searching for something to hold
My heart condition worsens as I see you
The pounding in my chest is nothing to laugh at oh dear it pains me
All I want is to be near you
But do I love you?
Is love even real
Or is this some messed up infatuation that hurts me