Rooi rosige wange
En n eerlike mond
n Hart van goud
My Ouma
Ek sal nooit ooit my Ouma met Rooi wange En die mooiste glimlag vergeet nie
En jou lag
Jou stewige lag
Jou Hart Wat so vol liefde was
My Ouma
Ek sal nooit vergeet dat dit was jy Wat vir my afrikaans geleer het
Ek het dit altyd met jou gepraat
My Ouma
Jou geselskap was altyd eerlik En jy het altyd my hart verstaan
My Ouma
Wat so lief vir Facebook was
My Ouma
Van muis stories
En my Ouma
saam met Wie Ek gebak het
My Ouma Van rose
My Ouma Van liefde
My Ouma Van lang goodbyes
En altyd ons ding
Waar ons het gese
Ons is so lief vir mekaar
My Ouma
Ek sal altyd dankbaar wees
Vir ons tyd saam
My lieflike Ouma
Ek sal jou met Rooi wange
En blou grimering onthou
My regte egte Ouma
Ek sal jou lag altyd ****
En jou laaste glimlag sien
En lippe Wat gese:
"Ek is so lief vir jou, my skat. Altyd."
Ouma Ek sal jou nooit ooit vergeet nie
Ouma
Ouma
My mooiste ouma
Van rose
En Rooi wange.

Totsiens my Ouma

A candle in my hands
And I watch the panting flame
I see her idly breathing
Her heart pulsating
Vigorously, her body
Inhales the air of this deadened night

A candle in my trusting hands
I have been told my heart is on my sleeve
She is aching
She is sighing
She is wandering
What in the world have I done

A candle in my sighing hands
And the memory of that evening
Kiss my thoughts
A peck...
And I see your strong jaw
And eyes a perfect sight to find my gaze

A candle in my forgotten hands
I remember you gently easing my way
On the dance floor
Under the moonlight
Under the sun's forgotten face
As the darkness enveloped our skin

A candle in my nimble hands
And my hopeful eyes
Stare in wander
Stare in awe
At the intertwining branches
In your arms
Muscled and toiled with strength

A candle in my weak hands
And I stumble
Hold this candle
With all the strength I can muster

A candle in my terrified hands
As you leave
Footsteps drawn
Ready to go
My eyes screaming, my love
Please stay in my sanctuary
This haven made for you

A candle drops from my weak, crumbling hands
As my legs crash
Like a thunderous wave
To the platform
Unraised...
A flood plain
Where the ruby bleeds
Her reflected colours
From the flame...

A candle lies at my tip of my veiny, Shaking fingers
And you are gone
And the flame dances softly
At the tender touch
Of the Wind.

Today I had an emotional breakdown
In front of a thirteen year old
I told her that I just wanted to run away
That I experienced the feeling
Drapetomania
An overwhelming urge to run away
I declared that all I wanted to do with my life
Was to live in a cottage with the Love of my life
Read books and live serenely
I don't want stress
I don't want this terrible nonsense
Called 'matric'
And to beg for bursaries from the man with money
For a job I may not even enjoy
I just want to be happy
I want to be loved
I want to caress the world with my writing in books
And touch individuals with profound poetry
Why must I go on with stress
Why oh why
Must life for an eighteen year old be
Oh so difficult
I just want to be happy
I want to run away
To my cottage in the mountains
Where my quiet symphony reigns.

Perhaps I've been searching for you all my life...
A piece that has been missing from me
You've felt what I've felt
You've lived apart from me
All this time
We've lived separate lives
Yet my heart has always been yours
You are my soul thief
You stole it before we even met
The day you came into my life
I became yours

Sitting here
Where your body lies
Your heart deafened
Your life gone by

As the birds chirp
And life chatters away
I hear you
Loud and clear on this day

Your life beckons
Full
And dear

I miss you Ouma
My partner in crime
My maat
My beste vriend

Ek mis ons gesprekke
In Afrikaans
Ek mis jou lag
Jou Rooi rosige wange
Jy

En Ek sit hier
Sonder jou

I haven't felt myself since you've been gone
I've been empty
Waiting
For someone to help this yearning
This longing in my heart

I sit beside your grave
Tears clenched in my eyes
Holding back my own life

I miss you Ouma
I miss you so
And forever I will be empty
Without you
As I am
Yearning
For you so.

It's still now
The show is over
And I stand alone
Quiet
In this garden
So many memories lie here
My heart craves you
When I look at the stars
That was what we did
Gaze up with hopes and dreams
You intrigued me
With your life stories
We used to stand together
But now I am alone
And it is quiet
Ever so quiet
And the blood moon stares at me
Questioning my sanity
As I cry before its Magnificence
I cry about something so vile and insignificant
For there is far better coming
So much healing
You are mending yourself dear
You are finding what makes you happy
This is a healthy alone my love
Remember the blood
The blood moon is here
And you are not alone

Humanity is an absolute mess
You work so hard
And they destroy every piece of
The world you love
They destroy your green
They destroy your gardens
They destroy your childhood and your innocence

Today he destroyed my childhood
You took out my fond memories
You tore gashes into my tender skin
You made tears rip from eyes
And drench the pages
In my books

I cried

I could not be strong
When humanity is so vile and wicked
I could not be strong

Drenched in tears
I sit
I weep
I scream
I swear and I cuss
At this humanity
This terrible humanity
That put such a vile taste in my mouth

Humanity
Get out
Humanity
Leave me
Humanity
I detest you

I regret your decisions
Do not tell me
'it will get better'

I hate you Humanity
As you destroy my youth
My innocence
You plagued me with your being

Get out.

I just want to cry
But I am numb
I saw a child die before my eyes
I see her wither in her last breaths
Ouma
This is not the way you should die
With that machine attached to your throat
Arms tied down
Being suctioned
And being forced to take your last breath
No Ouma
You are a proud woman
A woman who always tries to look her best
A scent of Mint and roses
And sweet cakes
My Ouma
Clothes that smell like washing powder
But that unique kind that you always remember
Ouma
I love you
I never knew how much I did
Until now
I never imagined life without you
And I do not wish to
My Ouma
Please don't go
He loves you so much
He never left your side
You are his 'girl' he says
As you lie there in the hospital bed
He can not live without you Ouma
You have no idea how much you mean to us
My Ouma
Ek is so baie lief vir jou
My Ouma
Asseblief
Moenie gaan nie
My Ouma
Van Mint And Rose scent.

I'm still waiting for you to tell me that I was more than just a meaningless fling... That I was more than just another girl you loved for a while
Because, my darling, I Remember those nights...
Those desperate nights that I would stay up with you until morning came
Those evenings I spent listening to your tranquil breathing
Staying with you
Those terrific times you would grasp my hand so tightly as if I held your world in my palms
I remember holding you close and praying for you, my love
I would caress your cheeks that were drenched with tears and I would love you...
I remember you telling me about you endearing love for rainfall and how it calmed your tormented soul
I remember falling so deeply in love with you in those moments of desperation, hopelessness and tranquility in being with you
You calmed me, my love
You took away all my pain
And I am still waiting for you to call my abandoned name.

My newfound life beckons me and it whispers my name so enchantingly
I am beguiled by its eyes that stare at me
I am surrounded
Her scream is Deafening as I stand here surrounded by profound
and rough brick walls
I am someone lost
I have been filled with melancholy much too long
and I say no
I say no to melancholic withdrawal
This is my life
And I will break free of this depression...
This black pit and abyss of doom...
For I see light
A light so bright and blazing
I am bewildered by the haze
but it fuses and it beckons
I am dumbfounded by myself
and the life I have misled
Whilst I sit here, I hear my future screeching and humbly whispering...
Whilst I hear the scraping desks and the monotonous drone of footsteps,
I see my future bright and clear...
Perhaps I am a writer.
Perhaps I am a helper.
Perhaps I am a success
or I may fall sometimes...

My life seems cataclysmic
and I no longer wish to be lost
I wish for inspiration to enter my lungs
and to thirst for passion in every single day
I wish for my words to be potent and powerful
I wish to be an enigma for the world to explore
I no longer want to suffer from nostalgia for my former self
I will not stifle her passion

She is a writer.
She is a teacher.
She is a helper.
She is a dreamer of dreams.

She will stand before a sea of green someday and she will teach the young minds.
She will inspire.

I will walk out of these doors
slowly and quietly
as my feet
soak in every memory
and every piece
of flesh
that has been moulded and formed
by their touch.
I am me.
I have been made by them.
And I will not forget this building
with its rough, red brick walls
and I will forever hear their motto
clearly in my ears
Echoing and calling me back
Resounding and drumming...

And I will say goodbye...
Goodbye, my alma mater...
As starry vistas lie before my eyes...
Thank you for your wisdom
and your touch on my life.

Candle, candle
Burning bright
Rain, rain
Give me a fright
I see you, candle
Dancing in the wind
Competing with the rain
Competing with the wind
I see you twirling around, my dear
I hear the blinds bashing against the window
I hear you beating on the roof
Rain, rain
Roaring
Singing in the night
Someone come save me
On this stormy night...
Candle, candle
Burning bright.

But, she is trapped.
She is Pleading
To escape
For her final show
To receive her clamorous applause
To give one last beaming smile
To the adoring crowds...

She is trapped
She adorns the shackles
With her weak, weary hands
That are tired
*******
And
Tired of writing
Nonsensical bitter words
Of heartache
And of missing him

She is sick of it
She is sick of being trapped by you
Because you were the one that put her into this **** mess
You were the one who inspired her
You were her **** muse

But, what she glanced away from
Were the shackles
That you imprisoned her in
She is trapped by you
Trapped by her misery
By the loss

I wish you would just leave my head
I wonder why we ever met
Yes, yes, you made me write again
And, yes, you took me out of that abyss
That pit of nothingness

However, you've pushed me back in there.
It hurts more this time
Because this time I'm in shackles
In this pit
Trapped by you
I see you above me
Malice in your eyes
That once beautiful soul with malicious intent now evident in your eyes
Those brown eyes behind long lashes that took my breath away

And I wonder if you'll ever read this...
if you do,
I want you to know that you were the most beautiful person I have ever met
And I wish I didn't think that still
Even though you betrayed me
And left my heart to bleed

You were the worst heartbreak
Because I'm trapped, honey
I still think of you
And my heart is wounded
It is blistered and burnt
By the fire you ignited
And left...

And not even the rain,
that sweet symphony
Can clear this land
Of ashes and trials...
And burnt flesh.

I am trapped
In these shackles
Burnt by you...

**But, this phoenix will be born
She will come out of the ashes
And she will break your chains
She will no longer be trapped
And she will scream her name
Flying with blazing, orange wings
Out of your imprisonment
She will leave behind
That black pit with nothing but,        
broken shackles.

You know what I'm going to miss most...
Are those short chats in Afrikaans class
That share sly secrets and hearts are opened freely
No pretence and no doubt in mind
And I come to realise
It is my last year to do so

It's the sound of the bell
That leads me along each day
That structure every day of my life
Calling me to its whims
To the places I should go
Next year I will be alone.

It's those short walks to each class
Where you get in those last bits of a conversation
You utter words of encouragement to those who are in need
To your fellow girls in green
And for the first time, I wonder if I'll ever see them again...

I've been surrounded by these radiant faces
Each day of my life
For the past five years,
Some twelve
I've walked these corridors with them
I've heard about pieces of their extraordinary lives
We've shared laughs as a class
And inside jokes...
That time when someone was given something in art that made her insane and declare "the tree bit me", again and again
The hazy day in grade eight when we were so delighted by our teachers absence, we caused such a raucous and when she came... That class captain shouted "SHE'S COMING!"
And all was back to normality...
I remember my first cultural day...
Singing to the entire school at the top of my lungs...

I remember my first day of grade 8,
A mousy timid being not sure of where she should go
To a phoenix screaming her name on the stage...
Ready to fly into the skies
And stare down at meak faces
And eyes filled with fascination

You see,
There are things in my school I love dearly
The radiant faces beside me each day, the ones that have always stayed and never strayed away...
The sound of the bell as it structures my day
And those conversations in Afrikaans class...
That keep me sane...
I ponder of what my life will become
And if I will always hold these memories
So close to my whimpering heart...

Tonight
My mind has drifted
To the way you used to touch me
The way you rushed it
To where your hands wandered
And you whispered
Ever so softly
"God knows my intentions are pure"
How you fooled the girl in me who
Begged to be pure again
And fell for just the word uttered
"Pure"
How are any of the things you did to me pure?
I plead
How was I such a fool
I feel so guilty
Opening myself to you
Laying down
Allowing your mouth to touch every part of me
Such a rush
A big fat rush
I was in such a haze
I let you do whatever you pleased
I wanted you to
Because everyone else had done it
I craved it
It was so intimate
And I gave it to you
A gift truly
No man had been there before
Not even him
But I let you there
Because I went with the flow
Honestly I wasn't thinking
I never think
I was in such a daze
I hate myself for giving that to you
I hate you
And now you're gone
And I screamed at you on the phone
"I gave everything of myself to you physically. Can't you say something?"
And all you said was
"Frankly, I don't care, dear."
God and I broke
God, I guess you knew his intentions were never pure
And maybe this is punishment for my own sin
O God, give me peace
Cleanse me and make me whole again
Take away these thoughts
Please God
Make me pure again
Please
Release me from this *******
I beg you God
Please

I told my father once
that I was afraid of storms,
that they gave me a fright
But then he told me something
That changed my mind
He said storms reminded him
That the earth
Was alive.

Sometimes I think
I don't quite understand
I haven't quite comprehended
The extent
To which you hurt me
The wounds and the scars
That bash inside me
Being lied to
Realising you watched me
Cry in pain
Watched scars form in my heart
You merely listened quietly
as "damaged"
Was ripped across my heart
You let it happen
You let me scream out
"I'm not good enough, am I?"
"He left me because I refused to have *** with him. That's all I was to him, wasn't I? I'm just an object of *** and that's all I'll ever be, right?"
"He left me for her. He cheated on me. He never loved me, did he?"
And you merely nodded and agreed
And let me believe
Lies that you told me
Lies that you fed me
You watched anger and betrayal fill my heart
You watched me ache for a year
And you took advantage of the need in me to be pure again
You took advantage of my aching heart
You took advantage of my giving nature
You took advantage of my drunken lust
You took advantage of my lips
You took advantage of my opened shirt
You took advantage of my loosened bra
You took advantage of my unbuttoned pants
You took advantage of my hands and placed them somewhere I didn't want them
You
You disgusting man
You took advantage of me
And you enjoyed every second of it

Liar
Liar
Liar

That's all you'll ever be

But I... I...

I forgive you.

They've painted an unrealistic picture for us
Of a man
Who treats you like a treasured item
So valuable
And so exquisite
They lied

They lied, baby girl
They  lied
They lied
They lied

Those fairy tales are a lie
Those romantic stories are all wrong

No man will treat your like a jewel
You are an annoyance to him
He won't treat you like you're worthy of the greatest love
He won't make you feel special
You won't remember the scent of him on you

That passion will die
Those hungry kisses die
It all dies

They lied, baby girl
They lied

I feel as if my soul has been awakened from its long slumber in that dark and desolate evening. I feel as if my eyes have been opened from their sleep of a dull, grey and morbid life that has now been torn from the page and replaced by something new and white. Something white that is an empty canvas, but this canvas will not be grey again. This canvas will shine in that once dark night that will now turn a bright and burning white, blinding actually. This canvas will be filled with paint that tells the story of a new song, a new life and that new breathe of the living me.
This canvas is myself and I will not allow myself to be subdued nor burdened by this dull world who believes in moving, moving, moving, but never actually getting anywhere... I've decided that I will believe in magic again. I will not allow myself to dwell in suffering, for today is a new day and this is a new song that will not allow its rhythm to stop. It will not allow its heart to stop beating. This heart will never stop, this canvas will never be striked by the hand of evil because this canvas will be a bright and burning white, a blinding white.

A moment when you watch someone die
Is a moment filled with desperation and heartache
You are numb
You are suffering
Because you waited for her to die
You watched as all the numbers decreased
You watched as her heart beat stopped and her breathing ended
You watched as it all turned 0
You watched her die
You watched the colour disappear from her face
Her rosy cheeks into a pale pale yellow
She is gone
But oh how she died
How she died
With such love surrounding her
As we waited for you to go to Heaven
To meet Jesus
There were threads of love surrounding your body
As you breathed
With that **** machine
A hand on each leg
A hand holding each of your hands
Enveloped with warmth and love
As your husband sincerely stroked your head
You were in a room encompassed with love
We adored you my dear
My beautiful ouma
We loved you so much
And now I say
No more Sunday visits
That God, why did I ever dread?
God, I want her back
I know I am selfish
But I loved her Care and absolute adoration for me
Everyone keeps telling me how much she loved me
I remember her lips mouthing
'Ek is lief vir jou skat'
And that will be my memory of her
Rosy cheeks
Blue eyeshadow
And honesty that you thought you despised but actually adored
The most honest person I know
How I will miss you, my love
I want you to know that you are so loved
And I pray that those tears I saw in your eyes
As you died
Were tears of courage and strength and bravery
As you faced death
As he came in like a thief in the night
And took you away
Before you died
We each said we loved you
We were desperate
We screamed out prayers for God to take you away peacefully
You cried
You weeped, my love
As you said
Your last goodbye.

Today I had an MRI
Worst thirty minutes of my life
However, my thoughts strayed
From corner to corner of my agile mind
From the beautiful woman in the foyer who spoke about her life
To life and it's wonders...  
And the statistics of deaths
During an MRI
Irrational thoughts indeed...
But thoughts that are frightening
In that moment of need.
Funny what you think of...
When you don't know what's going on
When you're trapped by a machine
When you're trapped by life...
I wondered...
Will they remember me?
I remember the woman's fascination
With my long, golden locks
That touched my hips softly

Ha, at least they'll remember my hair.
That's something, isn't it?
Being known as the young girl with long, luscious golden locks...
If they don't see my writing.
It's something.

Before the MRI,
They said 'Think of happy things'
And then my thoughts wandered
To you...
Your beautiful smile
The way my heart flutters when you look at me
When you taught me how to dance
And we flowed on the dance floor
When I held your hand
And my heart skipped a beat
When you glanced at me
With such sincerity
And your name repeating in my head...
You, you, you...

My thoughts during an MRI
Are odd
Thoughts of life, thoughts of death, thoughts of remembrance,
Thoughts of long, golden hair
And thoughts of
You.

Jesus, make me your conduit
Make me your soldier
Who oozes righteousness and
Fervently speaks your word
With passion and praise
May my tongue never cease to praise Your Holy Name
Holy, Holy, Holy
Hosanna in the Highest
I proclaim Your Name on high
Oh, Jesus
Make me an instrument of Your Mighty Word
May my lips thirst for Your Word
May the Longing in my heart fail to cease
Make me Your Conduit
So that Your Word may easily flow through me
Praise Jesus
Yahweh
My King in Heaven
I give you praise.

Enchant me
Beguile me
Take me to a place no man has ever been
Take me away on a magic carpet ride
Show me the world
Be my prince
Take me into a land of faes and fairy wonders
Take me away...
And I will never come back
Take me to the second star to the right...
Make me a princess
Enchant this damsel in distress
You heroic knight in shining armour
Give me your handkerchief and recite a poem for me
Pick up my glass slipper in distress as I run from the ball to my pumpkin carriage
Take me away to wonderland
And lead me on trails I can never find again
Crown me Princess of Narnia
Lead me into a wardrobe of wanders
Enchant me
Beguile me
Take me away...

He sleeps on the same side of the bed
As you did
I miss you lying there
Sometimes
But he's there now

I want to laugh at the things that made me cry...
someday,
with joy and zeal in my heart.
Reminiscing
Is quite an art
To construct oneself in such a way
As to find a chuckle
At your once broken heart.

I sit
Perched beside my window
With this fresh cold air pouring into my room
There is no yellow light outside
It is cold and perfectly serene
I see a mist of blue over my garden
The trees stand silently
And the great pool of water does not stir
There is no movement so early in the morning
The birds merely chirp discretely
Awakening this world to a new day
This is the earth's silent hour
She is awake,
But her eyelids only just start to flutter
This is my favourite beauty
This silent, lonely
Tranquil beauty
Of morning...

The cold breeze is a reminder that I am alive
I am breathing
My tears will dry
It is time to focus
On me
On my life
Exactly what I intend to be

Oh, yes, I do hear you earth
I haven't heard you in quite a while
You softly call my name
And you urge me
To stand up
To no longer stifle myself
However, noted, this is a constant bashing argument in my heart -
Stifling my true self...
The singing Robin I was
The fluttering fairy I used to Dream of being
The galloping princess through daisy fields
Who sighs as she lands in the soil of the earth
Takes a deep breath
And sings out
Words that have flooded in her heart
She sings love songs
And words of praise

She is an effervescent, psychedelic beauty
That I realise...
I will be
On this silent morning
Of the earth.

I was going to write some
Raw truth
Alas the backspace overpowered
And my ugly truth
That I fail to accept

was erased

It is a fun game
That this keyboard
This black ink on this temporary white screen
Can so easily disappear
Can so quickly be erased
Without a single trace of it

And I pity this page
My page
That can so easily be erased
By this electronic eraser
That clears my ugly truth
That I can never seem to...

And ****!

You will never know the words I was going to say
For they were just erased
And deleted
From this electronic white page
By my electronic eraser
That distorts my ugly truth
That....

****


It's like a magic trick
This thing
You'll never know my final stanza because
Of my contemplative fingers
That too easily erase.

**** **** ****
The writers' fingers go
They race
I can hear those backspace buttons ringing through the air
Of this dead, echoing night
Erasing their thoughts
Because of
hesitation
Doubt
Contemplation
The worry that they won't care
About that last line you were itching to write

Tell me
Do you hear them
Loud and clear
In the drumming air

****! ****! ****!

The writers' words
That will
Infinitely
Be
erased.

These past three weeks Have been quite unnerving
I've found love and I've lost one of the most important people in my life...
Losing her was terribly sad...
I've tried to push away those feelings of sadness and heartache
By focusing on love and the endearing look he has in his eyes
I have not allowed myself to succumb to dwelling in my sadness
And the urgency in my heart to cry our her name to the heavens
Where are you?
Are you looking down on me?
I miss our Sunday visits, Ouma
I miss your sweet rosy scent
I am conflicted by the emotions I feel
I am resisting the screaming and sobbing in my heart
I am deafening her
With a pillow to her mouth
I am allowing her to fall asleep
And when the sobbing, screaming child in my heart awakes...
I love her
I remind her that 'Jesus wept'
And it will be alright
And she should allow the Love of Jesus to flood her heart
1 Corinthians 13 Love should swell up inside of her heart
And she should love
Allow that love to surmount all that melancholy inside of herself
She will love
She will love
Momentarily I am lost
And I was found by
The Lover of my Soul
Jesus Christ, dwell in me
Love me
Bless me
Be with me
And help me to spread Your Word
And lift Your Name on High
Jesus... Dwell in Me
And Love...

My weeping shaking body
I am tired
I am weak
I yearn for better days
And a better life
I yearn for something more
A life I desire to live...
I yearn for so much more than this.

To me, it is a leap of faith
To fall in love
To give someone your heart
Love is terribly daunting
It is beautiful and
Terrifying to give someone the power to destroy you...
You place them inside your heart
A place woven perfectly for them...
You allow him to grip onto your heart the way he clutches onto your back
As he takes you...
As he marvels at the beauty of your body and your very soul
You allow him to see inside of you...
The dark desolate dreams that silently scream...
You allow him to know who you truly are
That sometimes you cuss
And time to time tears flood from your eyes
You give him every piece of you
He grabs your heart
The way he tears at your soul
As you open up every part to him...
Perhaps you do love this man
For when you see him, love swells inside your heart
And you become someone you had never thought you could be...
Passionate and precise...

Love is daunting
Love is allowing you soul to be placed upon inspection
And they dissect every piece of you
Observe you
And you pray to God that they'll love those
Dark and defiled pieces of your heart...
And those pieces that are good and happy
And filled with love to give to them

Love is incredibly terrifying
And I pray that this is it
You will love me
Forever perhaps...
I truly do hope that this is love...
Because I feel that what I have for you
Is that daunting
Feeling of love...

The dark look in your eyes...
Mysterious, yet effervescent

A loss of innocence...
Purity... Are you still here?

Satisfaction beyond compare
Bewildered and intrigued by the sensation

Surrender yourself...

Forgive me.

How crazy...
Tomorrow
I would've written my first exam
of second year...
Now, tomorrow
I go home after
a whole month in hospital
Crazy how life can change
in one moment...
From one man's voice...
From three words...
From one diagnosis.

Ai
I am at loss
I find that it is a Poetic injustice
Poetic injustice I say!
This fading of romance
And doe eyes filled with love
Romance is crucial!
Don't you see it
She breathes it
It's what she was taught!
That all this would be laced with romance
What a sham this is
Romance dies
And it left me behind
To stare down
At this Poetic injustice!

Little bird

How I envy you in flight, little bird
How I envy how you reach out and you bury yourself into the air
How you can so easily glide in the wind
And how you're free

How I envy you, little bird
How I envy your beak
That doesn't get disturbed when singing
That is able to speak out to truth to the world
Because you're free

How I envy you, little bird
How you're at peace with yourself
And the way you so gracefully show your peace within
Your peace with nature and all that is good
And the way you're free to be in whichever state you wish

How I envy you, little bird
How your feathers rustle in the wind
And the way you're covered from head to toe
The way you're not empty and alone
The way you feel at home
Because you're free

How I envy you, little bird
Because you're not trapped in this hospital room
You can go wherever you please
You're not sick like me

How I envy you, little bird
Because with all my heart I wish I was you
How I envy you, little bird
Because you're not me

You're free

Write about that empty feeling in your heart, my love
Write
Write until the ink is dry
Write
Write until your fingers burn
Write
Write until you feel the numbness within wither into nothingness
Write
Write until your thumbs bleed
Write
Write until that desire burning in your soul is quenched with the taste of fresh ink
Write
Write for those who don't have words
Write
Write for those who cannot speak
Write
Write for those you have lost
Write
Write for those who cannot hear your words
Write
Write for those who deafen themselves from your spoken words in this world
Write
Write for those who hide in the dark
Write
Write for all your forgotten dreams
Write
Write that song that sits in your heart as you sit behind that **** desk
Write
Write because you have something to say
Write
Write about passion
Write
Write about him
Write
Write for those you do not want to forget
Write

Write
Write
Write

And don't you dare stop

Write.

I need advice
This line keeps running through my Mind
And I can't seem to look at him the way I used to Anymore
He used to love me, you know
He used to be so in love with me
I used to be so overwhelmed
By how much he couldn't get enough of me
He was passionate about us
About making God the centre
About having a Godly love
Patient, kind...
The cliche Bible love
You promised
You promised you would love me

But a few months down the line...
You've seemed to change your mind
You don't want me anymore
You don't need me
I have no appeal in your life
I've given every piece of myself to you
Lost my innocent heart
That was so pure
A blinding white
But you've defiled my heart
And now it is stained
Pitch black
My mouth that was witty
And would speak purely and softly
Has turned into a sailor's mouth
I don't know what I've become
I honestly don't
And I've changed so much
And now you don't want this...
This creature you've created
Whose eyes are always reddened
Constantly tear stained
With a vulnerable broken
Black heart
Impure
Defiled
Broken

I'm not happy anymore
In this
In us

I miss God

I miss loving
With real passionate love

You're not in love with me anymore
This defiled creature...
Insecure.

Every time I look in your eyes
As we-

I hesitate

I mean
I
As... I try to fix us
As I try to look at you with love
All I hear when I look at you is...
"I'm not in love with you anymore."

I realise how alone I am...
How no one actually cares
He doesn't care
He never cares
He goes along life
Smiling eyes
Heart on his sleeves
Tranquil
And I sit here tormented by my demons
Tormented by my insecurities
By the shrivelled girl
Who sits weakly in my heart
Whimpering
Begging for someone to love her
For the right type of love
For someone to speak her love language so effervescent whispering
Passionately love her
Want her
Need her
She wants to be a priority
She wants to be a part of your life
Don't you get that?

He says he'll change
He says he cares
Ha
Ha
Ha

Empty promises
And the days go on
And she wanders
What the hell is she doing...

I think I need to be alone

I had never thought that a single person's mere presence
Could mean so much
That he could fill up such a large part of my heart
I had never known that I could sit beside you
Watching you genuinely smile
As the show plays before your eyes...
Could be the most perfect sight

Is this what love is?
Where one looks upon another with such adoration
You see his faults and his scars and his cracks
And you fill every one with your tender love...
You try...
You caress his heart sweetly and you love every part of him
You love the way he knows every super hero and adores each one
You love the way his arrival at your door is accompanied by a 'hello sweetie' that makes your heart flutter
You love every obsession he has
You love reading his writing
You love his unique way of writing,
A piece of him on a page
You love watching him on fire with passion
You love the way he makes you laugh as if that laugh echoes throughout the world to hear
You love his laugh
It creates such a warm fire inside of you when it is heard
You love his green eyes that ignite a fire in your heart when you gaze deeply into them
His pupils that dilate so serenely
The way he always falls in love with your eyes
You love his lips
You love innocently holding his hands
You love the way his hands caress your back as you walk
A feeling of safety and purity
You love his hugs
And never want him to leave
You love the way he holds you and you feel home

I do wonder if this is love
This smile that never wants to disappear
This heart that has been healed by him

I wonder if this is love
Because I'm In love with this feeling...
I do hope it is 'love'...

Please God
Please God
Don't let him meet someone
Please let him wait for me to heal
Please
It was wrong timing God
Please

I used to be a writer
I used to write about things that mattered
I used to write about my country
I used to write about the cry of its heart
I used to write about abuse
I used to write about those who suffer loss and pain
I used to write
I used to write about more than broken men who broke me
I used to write about life
I used to be happy
Before men came and defiled my pure heart
I used to mean something
I used to be a writer

Bravery and courage
Lingers
In her gaze

She is stronger
Than mountains to face
Than any tragedy that hits
Her heart is faint,
But she will survive this storm

You realize it when you
See her
Fiery eyes.

Tentatively I took a step towards you
You caressed my heart in your hands
Your menacing stare beguiled me and I was in awe of your sacred beauty
For once I was lost in a sea of mispronounced words and jumbled sentences
The syntax was filled with errors
And I had never thought I would blink my eyes again
As the tears refused to leave my eyes
They painfully glazed my face
And struck me as terribly arty
I felt as if I were an artist In this play
Grasping my lines
Stuttering over them
Grabbing onto each word
Like a cheap ***** grabs cash
From the man with money
And lusts after the sweet stench of the money she earns
I once was lost
Yet now I am found
By your burning radiant fire eyes
Blazing with sensation and perfection
I love you
And I bask in the blistering heat
Of your pyre
That cleanses and  
Causes death
To my
Old morbid heart
And persuades me with passion
And pursuit
I am yours
in
My sensational romance...

I am feeling inspired
By everything
My fingers are itching to write...
To blurt words from my fingertips
Nagging to scratch paper
With my sighing pencil...

However, I am longing for my muse

I feel it inside me
Inspiration...
Lightly bubbling
Begging to burst
Yet staying a light
Tingling
Nothing major...
Just a slight something.

Yet, I feel uninspired
I'm not sure how to make sense of if
I feel as if I am in the darkness
Trapped by my heartache
They say that heartache creates the best ink, it scribbles and scratches and begs to be let out of one's heart
It wants to tell its story
It longs for them to hear
About your sweet misery...

But, today, I am feeling uninspired
My muse has disappeared
Because my muse was you...

And maybe I need to find a new inspiration...
A new muse
A new piece of art
To wonder at
And disect my claws into.

But for now
I will feel inspired by everything,
Yet, also Uninspired...

Lily of the Valley
Is your heart still pure?
Or are you wrought with doubt?
My dear, you are cleansed in Him
Your naked body before Him
Your rags are cleaned
And forever you will be
His Princess...
His Pure Lily of the Valley

"Do we still believe in 'the one'?"
I Asked my best friend
The question adorning the moment
And I pondered...
Do we honestly think there is some man out there searching for us, just waiting to meet us?
Are we relying on destiny, for fate to sweep us away to meet him?
What if he walks by?
What if we never meet?
What if we have met, and he never knew us...

But if there is this 'one', would he want me?
Me, with my *****, hopeless heart
That has been so defiled by other men
That has been gassed to death by their meaningless words
That lies on the floor begging for one final breath
I beg of you, will he love my tired soul?
Will he numb the pain that pulsates through my being?
My spirit is so tired of this
Of broken hearts and broken dreams
I scream out and I wait
I wait for you
'the one '
I am naked and bare
No hidden pretense
And I sit here
Listen out for me
Because you'll here my soul screaming
Bitterly
Needing your touch...
The one, the one,
Don't be afraid of the dark
nor my disgusting scars and filthy, morbid heart
My Ragged and old heart
I need your touch...
The one, the one
Come back to me.

I didn't cry when he died
And I remember you screamed at me with tears in your eyes
Begging
Pleading
Twisting my aching heart with your juvenile words

"Why don't you cry? You think you're too strong to cry?"

And to be honest your words have stuck with me since
It was grade 6
And to tell you the truth, my darling

I was numb
I was 12 and I felt numb
I couldn't feel my own pulse and I was confused and conflicted
How a man could die so young
A boy who had so much to give to the world
He didn't even have any experiences
He was twelve
And I walked beside him everyday
And you never think
One day they'll be gone
As a child you are so innocent and sweet
You have not a thought of death and love and life ending
You're filled with sweetness that won't succumb
To a life that is numb

No, but I was numb that day
I remember you screaming
He shouted at me
At my dry eyes and childish face
How could I not cry?
You think you're strong?
You feel nothing?

And to be honest,
I felt numb

And numbness is probably worse than pain
Because you know the heartache and tears are soon to come
You're withdrawn in your thoughts and it's probably the worst thing in this world

I was numb

I was numb

And I felt it all

My tears were strained

I was twelve

Please just forgive me

My love, I was


**numb.

You meant it as a mere joke
Something I should laugh at
But those words stuck
And I felt a putrid, vile taste in my mouth
As you said it
I thought it was a night of love
I was wrong
I was so wrong
For you chuckled
And laughed at it
And you sniggered
And said ever so hauntingly...
"It was the night you lost your innocence."

And you continued to laugh
As my heart sank
And my pure heart was
Drenched
In black oil
Staining my heart

Never to be pure again.

Beautiful people
With eyes so sad
Yet with faith displayed so bravely in their expressions
I watch you few
As you Congregate
After church
Sipping tea
Speaking of weekly squander
And I find you beautiful

You beautiful man with thick spectacles
Greying hair and eyes that tell tales  
I remember writing about you once
Turning your story into poetry...
Making you come alive to the world
In a few mere words...

I see you, dearest
As you dunk your biscuit into that sweet tea of the week
You speak so effervescently to your Sunday friend
You gossip about the latest news and you find entertainment in this beautiful chaos
Of this short weekend

Oh, beautiful people
Beautiful people everywhere
Simply beautiful
Not in how they look, but in the way they are
Perhaps I find her the most beautiful
The woman with laughing eyes, never allowing her age to catch her youthful spirit
She believes that hardships and trials make you stronger
'Without the bad, you wouldn't be strong. Without the good, you wouldn't know the bad. Without the bad, you wouldn't know the good. And I believe that's how we do it. You've just got to find the beauty in it.'

Oh, beautiful people
This morning you struck me
You moved me so
Your beauty is just so bright
And I will always love you and your youthful spirits
You Beautiful people of Sunday morn'

Wrench my heart out, why don't you?
It's yours.
In the palm of you hands
Break it.
I don't care
Tear its skin
I don't give a ****
Throw it in the dim
Light
I won't even get a fright
Not even a gasp from me

Oh, Gosh
It'll hurt like hell
It'll break me down
I'll never give it to another man, I whisper into the dark
With a tear stained face
Broken glass sits on the floor
From the shattered mirror
I tore down
From seeing me
Seeing this misery right before you
What do you think?
Am I weak?
Did I fall into your trap
Into this abyss of yours

I'm glad that I gave my heart to you
You sang it such a sweet
Heart melody
A lullaby
She fell for every word
Every single word
Uttered from those lips

So Wrench my heart out
It's yours to keep now
I'll never give it to anyone else
Keep it, dear
Live with my bittersweet misery
I am at peace.

The lights lead the way
Slowly
quietly
Leading the path to my destiny

I ponder this journey I take
Tiresome
Unpassionate
Money lust

Sigh

Such is life

The air is thin
And the light is dark.
But the warmth of this moment brightens the room
Transcending beauty this is

We sit
And we allow our minds to run over all that sits in our hearts and eats away at our souls

We sit
We drink the steamy cups of coffee
We allow our taste buds to grasp the flavour of the beans
However, as delight touches our taste buds
We converse
We listen
We see
We sit
Us three

Us three
We are souls that have been lost
We have eyes that tell tales
Tales that are not told in words, but hidden in the way that we watch
And note the world

Us three
I see her heart is on her sleeve
Her mighty, unwavering heart will not be stifled
She may not allow such passion to be withheld from the world
For she is made for His Glory.
She is made to drink from the fountain of youth with no fear
She is made to conquer
And stare down at their meek faces
As they watch her
In awe
In wonder
And in adoration

Us three
We prefer not to stifle that part of ourselves
That part that will be set free
That part that is bashing at the cage, begging, pleading
to be let out
To be
let out into the night
To go into enigmatically

I am nostalgic
For my former self
The girl who never allowed herself to focus on the dark, the girl who believed in flying
The girl who now never believes she will be taken out from captivity
From this dark pit
Oblivion,  
I believe I am there

She interrupts me and puts down the cold caffeine


Us three
She says that I cannot make more mistakes in my life than she has
She tells me that God has a plan, and the pain will soon end
She says that my Destiny will soon unravel from the tight coil
She says that His plan is delicately detailed and outlined in solid black
Like a work of art...

However, the dragon tends to blow his fire at the edges of the delicate page
No matter how small the burn, it makes a change
To the plan
What remains,
Is the art

No matter how much he taints it, my dear, it will still be a work of art
Your Destiny will be fulfilled.
Your heart will be set free

I weep.
I shake.
I gasp for air.
And I always believe in the moments of
Us three.