The lights lead the way
Slowly
quietly
Leading the path to my destiny

I ponder this journey I take
Tiresome
Unpassionate
Money lust

Sigh

Such is life

My haemotologist told me today
That I'm pretty interesting
I'm quite cheeky
And I should write a book someday

As he was doing the bone marrow test
I told him my stories
Ridiculous stories from my life
The hilarious one of how I crushed my toes when I was seventeen
(don't worry, I do have toes today, but that's a story for another day)
The enchanting, exciting tale of how I broke my arm
As he was injecting into my bone
I wanted to scream
I merely told my story
"I was jumping on the trampoline and i nearly jumped on this little boy's face-"
"you jump on people's faces? Now I'm scared, girl!"
"No, no. To avoid that I... I... I jumped back..."
And then he started injecting
And needles scare the hell out of me
And I screamed
"back and back and back and back...AND BACK! OH GOD, IS IT OVER YET?"
I've dealt with so much pain, but I still can't handle needles. Cancer tries to set that fear alight, but I'm still afraid.

"No, not yet."
I guess that's what my life is
This endless amount of pain
This constant betrayal from life
"okay okay okay, I'll tell another story. Do you know I had a disease only 1% of the world gets when I was 5 and I nearly died."

He then told me some of his stories
I didn't quite listen
Because pain is unbearable
He told me a story about bananas and orthopedic surgery...
Then something about him wanting to be a singer, but him also miming in the choir like I used to
I told him I could sing
Then they wanted me to sing in the middle of that procedure
No no I am not a girl of mediocrity
If I sing, it has to be perfect
No pain making me off key
Then he said something about Neil Diamond


And then it was over
And I didn't quite complete all my stories
And he told me
"You're a smart girl
And interesting
Write a book someday
And don't give up your studies."

Six months of my life on hold
Let's see how this goes
Let's see how many stories I have to tell at the end of this
I promise you now though
My story isn't over
And one day I will write something
Something Inspiring
And something good
A classic
Well, I'm hoping


Haha, a physicist writing a book?
Let's see how this one pans out for me

Do we truly listen
Or do we pretend and move on to what we have to say
We say 'Yes, hmm, but, I...'
And we go on
Speak of ourselves
And move on
And once again pretend to acknowledge the words of another
Does anyone ever truly listen?
Does anyone actually care about what I have to say?
Perhaps that's why we write poetry
We've lost the connection...
Or we are so struck by that one moment
Where another truly acknowledges what we had to say
So we write it
About that mere simple moment
Where they actually cared
Perhaps we write so someone will hear our thoughts
Someone will care to listen
Not put up a facade
With a fake smile and nod
But someone
Who actually listens
To this poet's heart.

"That's what passion looks like"
That's what you told me after you kissed me
After I gave you all I had
I gave you my entire heart
Every piece of my soul
And I don't want anyone else
I want you
And only you
My sweet love
You are my passion
I want you forever
You question me
'Will you die for me...
No no that's too easy...
Will you...
Live for me?'
Willing to stay beside you
Willing to be with you no matter what
Willing to hold onto us no matter what happens...
We will fight...
I say 'Yes'
I will live for you
Every day
Forever
You and I
Always.

Wake up and smell the poetry
In the crisp air of this new day
Don't you dare touch that electronic device!
Just wake up!
Fill your lungs with metaphors and figurative language
Breathe in the imagery
Breathe in the life of today
Look outside
And hear the birds singing to you
To hear their songs composed for those who must awaken
Wake up!
This is a new day
There is a song alive in each and every one of you
Wake up!
Fill your lungs!
Hear the poems echoing in your heart
And hear these sweet songs
Composed just for you...

I miss myself
She loved poetry
She indulged in language
She sang sweet tunes
She had a muse

But now she is sad
Her heart is broken
And she wanders

She believed God heard her
She had a definition for her life

But now she is lost
Am I even seeking her anymore?

I believe I have found what I have lost
Right now
I have lost my passion
The word I used to speak about so profoundly
I've lost my hunger
My desire for something to live for
I've lost myself somewhere along the way
On my journey this year
I am merely a morbid creature drifting along
Shutting her heart from emotion
Lusting
Not feeling any sin
Any traces of emotion  
I had a desire for words
For language
I wished to study linguistics and language
As this is what my heart pounds for
But alas
The man with money will not allow me to do so
The man with money will not allow me to study a hopeless degree
I must study something mathematical
That will bring the cash
So I will not end in a dire state of poor finances
I wish not to leave my parents bankrupt
****** I hate this world
Money money money
That's all I see
Like a beggar beside the road
Please please I'll do anything
I feel like a common *****
Forgetting her hidden passions
And merely opening her legs
For the man with money
Passion is lost
I am in an abyss that is void of emotion
And creativity
I am numb
This is the life I am to follow
Void of passion
Void of what I want to do
I thought I had a dream filled with passion and zealous wonders and adventure
But the man with money had a dream for me too...
Morbid and still I will be
A common *****
Begging for your money

It's  not about the fish, I say
its about the sea we're all swimming in, not caring whether we hit a wall or stumble and fall to the ground.
We tend to stay on the ground, refusing to pick ourselves up and swim to the top to see the sun we wish to see so badly.

That is the love I've lost. The love for the sun beating down on my tear-stained face...

You were a mistake
I hope you know that
I regret you
It was a facade
The "healing"
You're his **** best friend
I should have trusted my gut
The day you went out with him
And it broke me
I decided to end my friendship with you
I knew it wasn't healthy to have you
In my life
Everything about you reminded me of him
I don't want anything to do with you ever again
You are unhealthy
And my life is so much better without you
My heart doesn't ache for you
Or him
You see, every time I kissed you I thought of him
Everything you said reminded me of him
He was the center of our conversation
It wasn't healthy
Never
So this is my goodbye
Goodbye Greene

She has death in her eyes
Death prowling
Death trailing
Anger bubbling in her heart
Swelling inside
A trigger waiting to be set off
A gun that lies in her heart
She hears
Ticking...
And she
explodes
Her anger boils out of her
And she screams
From all the heartache
All the disappointments
Every single person she has lost

She screams.

Dear Damian

I miss you

I dreamt you cried in my arms
And asked that I take you back
And then we kissed
And I don't know what to do
With these stupid emotions

I found a semi colon
Made of two stones
on the beach
A few months ago
It made me happy inside then
Because you were beside me
And I loved you with all I was

And when I found these again
It gave me a glimpse of hope.
Because maybe
second chances do exist
And maybe things will be okay again
Maybe you won't give up again
Maybe you'll strive
and you'll...
You'll be stronger the next time round.
You won't give up.
You can do this.
I hope you come back...
To who you used to be.

Narrow roads
Namaqualand daisies beside my feet
As I walk their pathway
As I follow this narrow Road
I ponder the world
I wander about this nameless land
Of words and poems and stories
I am lost in a sea
Of numerous accounts of many things
I do not know
Perhaps this feeling is love
I am lost inside its portal
I watch as some nonchalantly
Kiss and surrender their hearts
They do not love with their souls
They lust
And they presume that this is love
In this nameless world, they scream out that this is love
Yet they easily leave
They do not understand the fatal error of their relationship
That they did not love their significant other
With a language they understood
They loved in a language that was foreign and misunderstood
They loved without passion
As I wandered these narrow roads
I ponder love
And solidity of relationships
I ponder us
I wonder if we will support one another
Like a canvas and it's painter
Equally applying the pressure needed
To stand and become an artwork
I want us
To become an art
A perfect gallery of great works
That if filled with passion
That will never be stifled
I wish to love you
Until I have no breath
I wish to love you
Until I am old and grey
I wish to love you in your love language
I wish to love
To infinity and beyond
Because you are my soul mate
Who gives me solidarity and a peace within that will never be beaten to a pulp
You have mended my heart so well
And for that I am forever grateful
I will love you courageously
And passionately
As I ponder
As I watch
As I walk
Down this narrow pathway.

Church bells cry out to my loneliness...
My heart filled with melancholy
The dust has settled around me
And I am alone
I realise this
Even though destiny whispers my name...
I am alone
No one to hold
No one to utter the words, "it's going to be okay"
I am alone
And I detest this dream
I stupidly imagined
Would be bliss
Yet all I hear
Are those melancholic church bells
Calling out
"Lonely, lonely girl...
Nowhere to go
Nowhere to hide
No one to care for your
dust-cladded soul."

What scared me most about being a writer was...
The paranoia
The fear
The tragic ending of that brilliant tale...
I would come up with most adventurous, thrilling stories
With intrigue and suspense
Real life drama
But paranoia wouldn't leave me
I'd think
And I'd wonder
What if it was me...
What if...
What if...
I wonder of the damaged soul you have
How much you think
My dear writer...
I could never be you
I'd be much too afraid of the dark unknown.

Healing isn't easy
It's not quick
It's a process

Like stitches
Bedded into one's arm
Once out, it stings like hell
But you can breathe  again

But sometimes
Infections brew
And the pain electrifies
It pulsates through your body
And you have to start again

And sometimes you'll
Find away around your scar
You'll touch it
And it will bleed
And it will burn

But one day
One day it won't hurt anymore

However, that scar still stays with you
It's part of you now
The pain that caused it
The frustration of it
It's still there
And it'll stay with you

But remember,
You healed.

You and I
When we're together...
I feel like I've escaped my portal of inconvenience and misinterpreted life
I feel as if we've run away
We laugh easily
And smile at the sky
We kiss in dark corners
And we sit on the hood of your car
Like the world is ours
We converse
And I listen to your stories of life
When I'm with
I feel like we have run away
I see
Mischief...
In our late night shenanigans

I love his smile
When it stretches into his eyes
and it's the most beautiful expression he has
When he is truly happy
He smiles like that
As if the world will never end
And there is hope
At the end of the day
When the sun sets.

If you do not want to love me
Any longer
Please do tell my whimpering heart
I am broken
I hate this
I hate us
Right now
Just tell me
And be honest
I think I may be able
To handle your brutal truth.

I am standing upon the
Thinnest
Most fragile
Layer of ice

And I walk
Slowly
Ever so softly

But I hear a the slightest whisper
And I hear a
Crack

I stumble
And my pristine ice
Is broken

Like this facade...
Close to breaking
Just from a mere whisper.

There is not a single creative bone in my body
At this moment in my life
I am trying
I am begging
To feel inspired by something in my life at this moment
But all my life is at this moment
Is an arrangement of morbid depression and a constant, pounding tiredness
I can not awaken
My future looks dull
And there is nothing I can do
But carry on
On this hopeless trail
As I follow the life planned out for me
Oh so perfectly
I follow you
I follow your steps
Your path
And I declare
That I am tired
Of this hopeless, tired walk
I allow myself to walk.

When I'm with you
My friends say I look happy
Truly happy
The most beautiful I've ever been
And I smile genuinely
As if I'm on top of the world
My eyes aren't filled with sadness
They say I look in love
They say that they've never seen me happier
Because you complete me
You remind of who I am
You remind what passion truly is

They say my voice is different with you
I sound authentically happy
A raw brilliance

I am brazen when I am with you

I love your eyes
Because they're filled with passion and a love for life
You charismatic beauty

I fell in love when I met you
When I shook your hand
And electricity coursed through my veins
And the way my heart jumped when I caught you staring at me as I watched life before me with bewildered eyes
I was intrigued by you
Your intensity and our first kiss
The kiss you gave me when we said goodnight

They say I am happy with you
My eyes smile

I am the best version of myself when I am with you.

I dreamt of you again
But this time,
she was there
And you were happy
You looked different
But happy, yet not

I resent you
And your little tale
This sweet little lie you've portrayed for yourself
That you enjoy it with her

I don't want you to be happy
I don't want you to go on without me
I'm sick of feeling angry
I haven't felt angry for so long
But seeing you with her
Oh God, that kills me

Seeing you with the woman...
Girl...
I have many other names for her in my head
But unfortunately they're a bit too vile
The woman you slept with while I was trying my best satisfy you

Was it because I didn't give in
Is it because I said no?
Did she satisfy you more than I could ever try in my wildest dreams

Is there something wrong with me

You did love me though didn't you?
Not for long
But surely in the beginning...
Was she there all along or was it only towards the end
I tried my best
I truly did

I know you loved me
For a while at least

I hear you Thunder
I hear you
I see you cracking in the sky
Lightning
Destroying the clouds
Screaming
I hear you shouting at me
To write
To do something, Liz
Release.
I hear you
I see you
Breaking the skies
Telling me to see this
Phenomenal Brokenness
And it is much greater than that
I feel
Oh, I watch the show
Outside my bedroom window
And I wonder how
Such disaster
Can bring such peace
To my empty, aching heart
I wonder how the pouring down of rain
Brings me such peace
Such serenity
How this storm
Makes me want to write
Something so real and passionate
Oh, God
I hear you, Thunder
I hear you screaming my name
Liz, get over your pain
Get the hell over it
Look at the beauty of
nature before your eyes
See your hand writing
See your heart on fire
Ignite
Feel yourself breathing again
Breathe in that inspiration, Love
"Breathe It In!" You Scream
Oh, Thunder
You Screaming Being
Screaming at me
To get over my reverie
Get out of my pit of turmoil
Remind me how to breathe

No
No
Do not quieten down, Storm,
my friend
Be
Rage
Scream
Be the anger I want to set free
Oh, God
I've never felt so free
This peace
No, no
This release
The storm
My dear friend
Releasing all that is
Inside of me

Oh, Thunder
I hear you
I hear you loud and clear
And Oh, Lightning
I see you, I breathe you in
My reminder that anger exists
Oh, Storm
Oh, Storm
Storm, my dear old friend
You, dear, help me conquer
The storm inside my melancholic soul
My deep anger within
You are my only friend.

What a daze she was in...
Wasn't it all just a dream?
Take me back to carefree times
where no ties were made
and friendship was free,
feelings were buried
and love was slow.

I liked what we had
Before romance got in the way
And wrecked everything we created
So carefully
Romance ruined us

He's left me crawling on the ground
He's betrayed me now
Left me ****
Standing with my emotions bare
Mascara running down my eyes
How beautiful are these cries
Gasping
Pleading
Begging
For the boy to come back
For the innocent boy
I met
On that rainy day.

It was a moment
Of utter serenity
In which his voice whispered quietly to my lost, wandering soul...
'I have found you, love, and you are exquisite. And you are Mine.'
And I accepted this embrace with
Tenderness
And He took away all my filthy rags
He renewed my soul
And He cleansed me

It was a moment
Where my soul recognised
The reality of standing before my King
Accepting His embrace
And weeping in His Mighty Presence

My soul felt recognised
My wretched heart felt clean
Praising my Mighty King in Heaven
Once again.

I spoke of you today
And that woman in the red, purring dress
You've got her now
You don't need me and my spirituality
You don't need my heart
You don't need my firm, yet loving glance
You don't need me in your life
And that is something I must come to accept
That you are gone
You will never love me
For I was something materialistic to you
Something unfathomable to your simple mind
I wanted more than a superficial glitz
A flirty fun deal
No I wanted your soul
I loved your soul
I fell do deeply in love with it
And I cannot bear to tell you
That my soul still yearns for you
She searches for those Brown eyes
That she loved so dearly...
So I succumb to my futile thoughts
Those tonight's thoughts of loving you once again
But I squandered
I was mistaken
And now I am left
With am emptiness
A pit
A soul that yearns for yours
Because today, I spoke of you
Once again.

Steady, heart, steady...
Hush...
Quieten your pace

How can you go at such a speed?
How do you accelerate with such energy
Like a man on a race
To get to the finish line
Of his life...
Oh, but this violent blaze
This fire that is alive in my heart
It beats
It quickens  
It is corrupt
With the power
You have bestowed upon me
Oh, your lips
As they caress my heart so tenderly
Oh heart, hush
Do not race
Allow yourself to enjoy this moment
Oh heart...
Quieten down the violent song
You are pounding
In my arteries
Quiet! Hush!
How can he cause such a raucous
In you...

Oh, but violent fire...
Blaze
Blaze
Set alight inside of me
Burn bright
Shine
Shine
Shine
Allow him to set ablaze inside of you
Shine
Do not shield yourself
Dear heart
Pound
Set alight
Burn

Oh, sweet violent blaze
Burn inside my heart
From his sweet touch.

I miss that shirt
Every
Single
Day
I miss the way it wrapped around me
I miss the way it touched my skin
I miss the way it fit perfectly
I miss the way it was all I needed and more
But I threw it away
Because I didn't care
Because I was reckless and stupid
That was a one of a kind shirt
Something special
To be treasured and loved
And appreciated
But now it's gone
And there's nothing I can do
But mourn at its absense
And regret it
Every
Single
Day.

Do you hear me this morning?
Do you hear me this dawn?
I am singing a new song
I am shivering from the morning cold, but this sweet light is what draws me in
I am awakening the creatures beside me
I am lighting up their cages
The trees are the greenest green
And the sky is a beauteous blue
The air is fresh
And my heart feels anew

Do you hear me at dusk?
I am tired of this day.
It is time for me to wish you goodnight
And I sing my goodbye song
They all come to their homes
In this twilight

I refuse to live a morbid existence
I refuse to be told to "let it go"
I will enjoy this euphoria while it lasts
For I am a crepuscular being.

On nights like these... I miss you
I miss your poetic zest
I miss your broken touch on my skin
I miss the powerful, intense desire I had
For you...
For your mind?
I miss the obsession I had
With your lips that burnt my skin
With your fingers that delicately caressed my tears away
I miss your tranquil breathing beside me
Oh God, I miss him

My music is here
Oh my rain song
You have arrived with
Your dripping outside my window
I pause my playlist
Because your sound is just too great
It is much more powerful than any melody
Oh, rain song
You are my sanity
You are the perfect music of my heart
The windy breeze
The leaves dancing in the trees
The dripping of the rain
Singing me to sleep...

Oh, my music is here
With your thunderous beating
With your quiet undertone
Dripping
Banging
Oh, I do hear you
Music of nature
Music of this mysterious night
Mistifying me
Singing her thunderous, meandering lullaby...

All night I have searched for a song
Humming along
But now...
Oh yes, I bow down to your glorious sound
I give you a clap of praise
Like the sound of thunder pounding on the air
Being heard...

Oh, yes, my music has arrived
My music is finally here.

God, I'm overwhelmed
Overwhelmed by the beauty I see before my eyes
And I believe
God, I believe
And wonder how one can look at such beauty
And not see Your Glory.

I see the clouds slow dancing in the skies
I see the stars winking their eyes
I see the lovers dancing on the stars.
With no fear.
Oh, no fear at all

And I hear the silence of this bizarre night
I am in awe
Of this beauty
Of this work of art
And I sigh
Because if I was an artist
I would paint the skies every night
To keep this beauty with me

As now the clouds have scurried by. Tenderly staring down
Scribbling on my sights
As nigh
Resides
And I see the moon
Oh, I see her shining bright
She is at peace
So quiet
So silent
With all her might
She stares down at me
I, such a small insignificant being
And wanders at
What I've become
What I hope to be
Perhaps
That's all I seek
To be reassured
That whatever will be will be

Somehow she calms
My stirring thoughts
My troubled mind
My heart filled with wrought
And she says
Be still, my love
All will be better
Your sighs will end
And your heart will be full again

But, God, I can't help being overwhelmed
By the transcending beauty
Before my meek eyes
And I wander
When will this beauty suffice?

I loved you because your heart sang a song only mine could understand
Your lyrics were made for me
You are the musician
And your heart sings a song only I can hear.

Dear you.                                      11/08/2018

I wish you had waited.
I wish you didn't fall in love with me
So quickly
I wish you kept your feelings to yourself
I wish that I had left you alone
I wish we had let our friendship take a break
The day I wanted to end our friendship
When the thought of you being friends with Damian... Made me so insecure
And I knew that day
Being involved with you was wrong
I needed to heal
I needed time for myself
To be alone
I wish I had told you then that you should leave me alone for a few months
You and I being friends was never healthy
Memories of Damian lingered in every single conversation of ours
Every single time we kissed
I couldn't heal properly
I knew you were my connection to him
I wanted so badly to prove to him that I was happy without him
I took your phone and posted those statuses
Because I wanted him to see
And you knew that
I know you did
I'm sorry I used you
But you allowed me to

You came into my life
Wanting heal this broken girl
I don't know why
I don't know if you had a plan
If your intentions were ever pure
I don't know
But I wish we had put it on hold

I wish you came now
It's nearly a year since Damian and I now
Now would've been a good time
If I had cast you away
That day I felt so insecure
And met up now
We would've had magic
Oh you could make me laugh
God, I miss laughing with you

But I wasn't ready for a serious relationship so soon after Damian
You know I wasn't ready
But you persisted
You begged
And eventually I caved
And I went with the flow
I let you kiss me
I let you touch me
I let my inhibitions go
I let go of my purity
And I let you take everything
Without as much as a thought

It was a mistake
All of it
I was never ready
And I know you know that

I lost my youth


Where did my time go...
Where did it go
When did my youth dry up?
When did I become ma'am?
When did I become so old...

Oh you...
You awful disease...
You stole two years of my life
You stole everything
My beauty
My vulnerability
My porcelain skin
Undamaged
Perfect and pristine...
My tiny bodice
And my long hair that came to my hips

You stole my confidence

You stole my youth
You stole my life for two **** years

You...
You left me in tears...

But now, I will stomp on your face
I triumphed
And I refuse to speak to you again
You don't deserve my attention
You don't deserve anything of me
I refuse to speak about you after all you've done

You thief of my youth

And when we fell in love...
I couldn't quite decide what to do with these
Overwhelming feelings in my heart
The way your touch makes me feel alive
The manner in which you place your lips on mine and I experience life for the first time
You are mine
And I am forever yours...

You speak about us
As if we are infinite
There is no end to us
You plan to be mine forever
And, God, I wouldn't mind waking up to that glorious smile for the rest of my life
You say, in five years... We'll be planning...
You have faith in us
You want me
You actually want my tired soul
And worn eyes
And I want you...
I want your bad moods
I want the blistering cold
I want dark nights filled with your warmth
No matter where life takes us
I want you to be my forever
I will be here
I will stand by you for us

My forever...
I'd never thought I'd find such love so young...
Oh, God, Let it be.

"There's something wrong with you"
That's all I hear
Ringing through my ears

"There's something wrong with you
You need help"

God

I had a conversation with the man who haunts my dreams
Who wanders around my mind like a lost soul
With the man who broke my heart...
Who shattered my innocent dreams of love
And we spoke
It felt unreal
Surreal
Psychedelic perhaps
It felt like a dream speaking to him again
A fantasy perhaps
We haven't spoken in a year
He's broken me
He's hurt me
He's shattered my heart
But no
Not this time
This time I am a warrior
Slashing his words
And menacingly swallowing every look his eyes have as they trail down my body
With lust
No love
Not an ounce of love

We were just a game of lust
You lusted over my body
I loved your artistic melodious heart

You want me physically
I want emotional depth

You want my body
I want your heart

You said I was lost
I am broken
I can not see my path any longer

You were right about that

You always know my heart
But then you seek more...
The more I can not give
For innocence is all I have
To give this world

And this time...
I'm letting you go, lover boy

For you and I can never be
We are too broken for one another
Two shattered souls can never try to seek love from one another
For we only find emotional depth
Something beyond my wildest dreams
I find in you.

But I am letting go
Letting go of your tug on my heart
On those shattered pieces you left in me

Go
Leave
Get out of my heart.

My Christmas spirit withers
Frozen in a time unknown
At a younger, innocent time

There was a dead fly in my
Bathroom this morning
I wondered whether he died a true fly's death?
Was the manner in which he left this world the manner in which he wanted to?
Did he go quietly and softly, with soft remembrance of the world he once knew...
His eyes shining with that last stare glaze
Were his last moments of utter serenity?
Did he see flashbacks of the best days he knew...
When he met the girl of his dreams and the fondness that grew?

Did he die a true man's death?
Or was it fatal and crashed down at him at once?
Did he remember anything or did he just go?

Oh, my dear
I ponder your sweet grave on the basin
Were you proud?
Did you know where you were going?
Oh, my...
Did you die a true, brave fly's death?

That intricate piece of my heart will always love you.

You preyed on
my vulnerability
You took
what you could
of me
Physically
And you took
*everything

Mad mad mad

She's mad in her head
Crazed in her mind
Oh brilliant starlight
How you glisten

Like her Cheshire Cat smile

Oh she's mad dear
She's mad


She's living in a madhouse
Wind her up
And you'll have a ******
on your hands

Mad girl
Run run run

Nostalgic for the past

Madhouse madhouse
Run run run*

She's a loon
She's mad
Balistic

She's an enigma just for you
Living in this madhouse

Kiss me and don't go
never leave me
grip onto my back the way
    you grip onto this reckless heart.