sometimes i wonder if we ever step outside at the same time,
look up into the same sky,
and inhale the same first signs of autumn at the same time,
200 miles and too many missed phone calls away.

during those delicious first few months, your touch
was like a bomb against my skin – blowing away my hard exterior,
opening me up to a life lit with emotional confessions
in hotel bathtubs and the occasional good morning kiss.

your touch now feels a little too nuclear.
i can feel the effects of the poison in the way i view the world,
because i can’t seem to look up in a classroom without
wondering if you might be there.
it feels more sadistic than poignant.

sometimes i wonder if you miss me, if you regret anything you said -
like how i was too feminist, or how i was too heartless,
or how you criticized my outfits rather than telling me i’m beautiful,
and how even in those last few moments we had together,
you tried to pin me inside your box of expectations.

sometimes, i ******* hope i bombed you, too.

spent all my nights
drowning
in the noises
thinking
about all the differences
my surroundings made
wondering
if a robber comes in
would he bash my head or
chop me in half

now i'm tired
couldn't care less
all i want
is to hear the sound
of this sweet music
i want to drown
in all the melodies now
no more panicking
no more
howling in the night

Don’t fear your fear
Or even anxiety –
Nagging Neurosis:
Even if it makes you pour with sweat
And tremble.

Don’t fight your fear,
Or seek to suppress it.
Don’t dumb it down
With tranquilisers and the like.

No need to be Superman,
Nor Wonder Woman.
No need for Spock-like Volcan
Emotional mind-control.

You aint a wimp
Because you are afraid.

Don’t bury your fear
Or shake it off.
Just Listen to it!
For Fear’s a Warning.
It’s doing a job.
A Red or Yellow Alert.
Warning You
About what?

Through fear we survive
To thrive.

In bygone days it saved us
From dinosaurs and sabre-toothed
Tigers.

What is the danger now?
What are you doing wrong?
How are you putting yourself
At risk?

What terrors lie along this path?
What are your instincts whispering
In your ear?

Intuition tells you what?
What is there to fear?
Just listen
And feel.
Embrace your fear.

Survive
To thrive.

Paul Butters

Yawns chase each other
dancing slow dreamy steps
My mind wandered off
an hour ago
chasing after distraction
with a flash of whirling colors
like an iridescent hurricane.

My voice remembers some notes
of last night's laughter
My tongue blearily waking up,
savoring the feel of wine and smoke
Hair wondrously disheveled
Eyes with a tint of night's mantle
Lips languorous
throbs and silences
the steady pulsating beat of red

beckons me
to feel
morning gold on my skin.

I stick my tongue out
eager to take the sun in my mouth
intermingling with the smells of night on my clothes

Contentment is in the details.

Another night of sleeplessness
in this cold shivering city
no gentle breeze with consoling arms
whistling green and free
to comfort me
on endless nights like this.
I walk
along blinking stardust streets
feeling the softness of moonlight

And a voice-
somewhere far away
beckons me, calling out my name
every sound like roughened velvet
on bare skin-
You say my name like some delicious sin.
Electric thrill runs down my spine
I swear I feel your breath beside-



Gone
Nothing but the feel of your eyes on me
As I drink in the night
with closed eyes.
The familiar hunger stirs.
Deep and achingly sweet, that is my curse.
I long for you to make me yours.
I yearn to be something more.
Take me away into the night
and enfold me
embrace me
slowly sink in
faceless, senseless.
let me melt into you
for I am yours
as you are mine-
always
in this lifetime
or the next.

I like your hair.
Imagine if it all fell out
A little piece comes off in your hairbrush
And you wonder why me?

Slowly more and more pieces fall out,
Until one day your bald.
All the kids tease you at school
And your mum says "the don't understand".

You think about this for a while and realise
I don't understand.
Why am I sick?
What is cancer?
Everyone just avoids the topic around you,
as if it doesn't exist.

It's okay, you don't have cancer,
But way too many girls and boys your age do.
They have to deal with this,
They are asking the same questions that you would.
Just think about them for a moment,
Think about their lives.
And be grateful for what you have.

I sit and wait for you.
I remember the talks, the food fights, the break downs in which I never took you seriously. The accidental alcohol and the survival that we did.

You, so confident, so you.

I felt underserving of your coolness, of your friendship. But I loved every moment.
You may have mocked, but I never felt like you truly cared about my red beret and just said to take it off for forms sake,

after all, we were only 12 or so.

Shows, and 4 hour laughter fits. Wal mart on roller skates.

Through our entire lives, I felt blessed to be your friend. And I never wanted to put you into a box to be close to you. No labels, just true, honest, just being who we were


I have never thought any girl was good enough for you.



We had to grow up sometime, but I'm no good at growing any way but wider.
And I'm not going to force you or pressure you to take my calls, or talk to me. I haven't done anything wrong that I know of so our non-communication is more of a i'm-busy-youre-busy type of thing.

Late at night I miss your voice.

This is just a note, dropping a line, wrote late at night with burning cigarette, to let you know that I'm waiting always to hear your voice. Some people claim that boys and girls can't be friends because there is that base ****** attraction.

I think they are wrong but then again, you're not a boy and I'm not a girl.

These things I pray for you,
happiness
joy
a passion that leaves your breathless
a purpose
resolution
and love