If you love her.....


You'll *******.

It's such a narcissistic day dream/nightmare to think that even if you:

( perpetrated a pattern of behavior of abuse, lies,
if you constantly took them for granted,
if you caused them to question their own thoughts, their sanity ,
if you took advantage of their vulnerabilities,
if you treated another human being that you purported to love like they were not deserving of it, or knew you could act how you wanted to and they would probably stick around because of your mutual commitment .....)

That YOU still deserve happiness with them. That they should have to heal from YOUR *******, not because of how they should heal to move forward and become healthier but because YOU love them and they should be with YOU because it would make YOU feel good.

Just simply *******.

Because honestly, you shouldn't have to hurt someone and lose them to realize what love and their value is.

And that love you feel didn't stop you from hurting them before.

And it doesn't stop you from being a better person in the future.

We all mess up, we all act in ways we shouldn't sometimes.

This is not to say you should give up on love or give up on becoming a better person. You shouldn't. But you also shouldn't pretend that how you treated them wasn't somehow indicative of what you thought they deserved.

And if you have changed, if you have grown, if you ACTUALLY love them, you'll apologize. You'll be truly remorseful. And you'll *******. Because some one out there will recognize exactly what a treasure they have in the person who is beside them. They will build them up, they will protect them, and they will cherish the beautiful soul they can not believe they are so lucky to be partnered with. And they won't have to treat them like **** to realize it. 

You can love someone and not be compatible. You can love someone and also recognize that you will never be able to make them happy in vital and important ways.

And you can *******, and pray that they can heal from your wounds and find what they deserve.


Here's my confession:
If I had loved you like you and I both like we  deserved,  we would have been done long before I found those messages. Before I disconnected. Before we were both so miserable. I stayed. And it was cruel. I allowed your treatment of me. In the name of marriage and commitment and thinking that love meant being there even through bad behavior. You risked my health, my heart, and my future. Because you were just as much of a coward as I was. Because you were worse. You had information I didn't. You lied to me. And you lied to yourself. Because love would not allow you to do the things you did. You loved yourself more than you could ever love me.


So *******.

I want to be like him.
Take all the hate, the ugliness this world has to offer
And not let it change me.
Only fuel my desire to change, help the hurt, and heal the broken.

True kindess, true love, the strongest tidal wave of change and light.

To be able to hurt and sit with the pain and my broken brother and sisters, and not let hate fill me.

Because Hate seems like one of those things that makes it easy to take self righteous and understandable anger, transforms it into a harmful force, no matter the rightous cause.

And if one can harness true love and kindness, and not let it change the heart and soul into a weapon, not let the evil and darkness poison it, but rather rise above

That's a real super power

You can do what you want to me, yell about my perceived weaknesses. Try to tear me down, try to make me angry and bitter,

But I wont stop loving you. I wont stop believing in your intrinsic worth. We may battle for right and wrong, may disagree and fight,

But you will never cease to be a being deserving of mercy, grace, love. And redemption

We can be better. Let's be better.

The pressure weighs down.
Sometimes suffocating.
But it's all I have left.

My lifeline.

The feelings are gone.
Emotions, only quick fleeting.
Than nothing.

Joy for a min. Anger. Pain. Sadness. Then once again,
Empty.

My love for you I know exists, even if I can no longer feel it.

My love for you is deep, and lasting,
Even if my arms lack the warmth
And my body has lost its emotions.

So if I can't give you pure unabondoned joyous love,

Then let me love you with this new normal.

Let my physical acts
Make up for the loss of sparkle in my eyes.
And the loss of who you once knew.
I am your slave out of choice
Knowing that who I was is gone,
And trying to make peace with who I am now.

I will preserve what is left
If only to stay with you and be there for you
As little as that can mean now.

Sometimes we have to suffer for our sins.
Our carelessness a grenade, it's pin half pulled.
Just because we don't mean to do evil, doesn't mean we don't.
And just because we have good intentions it doesn't mean they turn out well.
And sometimes,
We deserve to suffer for the pain we've cause.

I watched a video of you today

And all I cold think was how ******* strong you looked.
And I'm grateful. Really grateful for that moment when your strong body and strong mind was forefront
Instead of what I usually see, a broken mind and a blown apart face.

Because most of your life
Was a celebration of it.
And you were able to be there and be here and love and live and laugh and cry

The last six months of your life have dominated mine the last five years. And I'm hoping that the old memories will spring forth soon.
I hope that they're not ruined.
Like a water soaked book
Abandoned and allowed to dry together

Dear Lord,
Let me remember.
Because those times, may have been the best in my life.
And with you gone. All I have is the memories.

Sometimes I can almost hear your laughter, manical and alive. I think perhaps its what I miss most. If I could go back, I would stay and fight. I would say all the words I wish I could now. I wouldn't let you go.
******* for teaching me the biggest lesson I've ever learned.
(Thank you for teaching me the biggest lesson I've ever learned. )