i feel distant from myself
i feel distant from God
i don't feel like a friend
-
this has to be self torture right?
it is my hand that is crushing my windpipe RIGHT?
-
i know everything is by the hand of God
but it feels like i'm hurting myself badly these days
but the pain hurts so good
sometimes it doesn't even feel like pain
that's the problem
the lines are so blurred between the two that i can't see where anything begins or ends anymore
-
how these lines get crossed
how everything blurs into one
how i am slowly making a descent into nothingness
how fast i am fading..
-
it feels like i'm free falling
and the hand of God, invisible and mighty, cushions me and slowly, very slowly is lowering me down
so i'm not falling..

oh man, i'm so TIRED
feeling the weight of life is exhausting and i can't wait for the next moment that i forget about it

my old friend, Im not sure much has changed
what else did i expect
from myself?
from life?
from others?
i don't know
i-

there's so much i want to say but at the same time i find myself silent
i find myself zoned out
seeing the curser blink every so often

-

why am i always hurting
why does it always feel like i'm on the other side of everyone else
why am i always begging
it feels like everything that i want demands my blood, sweat and tears and even then it's not enough, i still don't get it
i mean **** it, i don't even want or need half of what i want
i just
why does everything feel so difficult for me???

i think i blink too much or
much too slow
it seems that i can never let enough of life's light in
and i want to let the light in
i so desperately want to let the light in

nothing is the same
nothing was ever the same again
God
everything has changed
everything just changed

everything in my life has claw marks on it

my silence is the pain that makes me crazy, yet it is also the salve that makes me soulful

always looking over my shoulder
always keeping an ear free
always opening the window just so I can breathe

you once told me that I make you feel the most alive
but that i have an amazing ability to make you feel really alone
-

I understand now

How fleeting is the sound of the neighbours hammering
And how sustained is our rage at the sound of it

why can't I shake this terrible feeling
of feeling so lost and stuck
I don't know what to do with myself\I can't even think straight anymore

I've never felt more confused about everything and i think i've just shut down

I just don't see a way out
I just don't know what to do

Life has a light that never fades but we just keep closing our eyes for too long

I think my wasted potential is really a heartbreak
I have so much to give to the world but nothing useful wills to pour out of me
I feel frozen

I don’t know how to unlock myself at all

You know things are bad when Dostoyevsky says something and you can relate

When I think about me I think about him

As the night closes in I think about how  loneliness is not about the absence of people in our lives, rather it is the people around us and our lack of interest in them that makes us feel lonely

I've always gotten lost in my head, thinking about all the ways I could cut my flesh open and destroy myself, to finally end myself
-
some time elapsed and I finally realised that it is not death that I long for but just pain
-
I want to take myself apart piece by piece
to feel at peace and feel that sweet release

the highs of mania and the lows of depression are harder to ride as time goes on
especially when I can't find any answers
especially when I can't understand myself or the world around me
-
suffocating on my emptiness
I walk around
yet I am nowhere to be found

S for say
say something to me

somewhere between the drink that burns my throat and Anderson Paak's voice, i find my thoughts drifting to the same place they always do

i dream of having a piano in front of me so my fingers could dance across the keys instead of my neck

this isn't what I wanted at all
-

i feel like one day you just become an adult and you have no idea what to do with a life that you really didn't want
as in the life that you live isn't the one that you wanted
what do you even do with that? because I feel like life really isn't what you make it
life happens no matter how much you try to shape it

-
I guess i have no real idea about what I want
most of my life has been spent knowing what i don't want as if that ever made a difference
-
there are only a few moments in my life where I can confirm I have actually been alive
but mostly I think about the fact that I just exist, just like a lot of people, just like everyone actually

you wished for so much and you got it

Loneliness is not about the absence of people in our lives. It is actually the people surrounding us and our lack of interest in them that makes us lonely

going straight on airplane mode to just stare at myself in the mirror because I look really quite cute tonight.

I feel like i have something interesting to give tonight, just no one to give it to

always disappointed to see my sluttier posts get attention and drive anything meaningful that I show the world into obscurity

I used to love talking to you at night when you were in your study
even though we were miles away and I wasn't there it felt like our special place
because you spent all night there talking to me
bridging the gap whilst you were away
and you would tell me so many stories
and find old things in the drawer of your desk
-
and on the other side of the world I was in my childhood bedroom
whispering so my parents couldn't hear
but let's face it, I was always loud
and somehow never got caught
I guess because it was the summer holiday, they knew I didn't have to think about school just yet

at night I think about being your glass table girl <3

looking at the shattered tea cup on the floor feels so familiar
do you think if I reached out to touch it, that I would feel a gentle caress on my own skin?
-
if I swept it up
and heard it drag across across the floor
would I make a sound? what if I moaned ever so lightly?
how would that make you feel?
-
and if I left the shattered pieces to just lay there
would you pick them up?
I imagine you standing over them
towering, with your 6ft frame
-
I know you would see the beauty in the mess
you might smile
you might bend down for a closer look
maybe you would even touch me
of course you would
-
maybe I would ask you to
maybe I would beg for you to pick up a piece
maybe I would scream for you to clench your first around it and feel the stabbing pain that comes with blood flow

-
in the hallway of our minds place lays a shattered tea cup
and in the palm of our hands lays a piece of it
and in the gaze of our eye is one another
and the only name on your lips is mine

I think the worst thing about the way I’m living these days is that my self destruction isn’t even fun

I keep trying to remember being a child
I feel like I need to look for something in those memories

I want to be free

The biggest lie I ever told myself was that I didn’t need anyone
That i had myself
That I was enough for me
I DONT EVEN HAVE ME
THERES NOT ENOUGH OF ME
INHAVE BEEN SLOWLY FADING AWAY
I AM FADING

and it sounds scary right. I guess it is but I can’t feel the fear
I am sinking, in a sea that swallows me
It’s getting darker
I’m not even aware of the surface above me
So how can I break through? No
I don’t want to break through
I can’t
I shouldn’t
-
I am sinking
I am fluid
Life is still, not peaceful
but still
My eyes are closed and I’m floating
Barely there as a person
-
Though you see my body that the sea has swallowed
My soul has dissolved

You’re all I have, I said to the wall in front of me
The wall did not respond. It just stared back
Blankly, silently

A human does the tango with desire and gives the most disgusting performance of a lifetime

Maybe I could turn my radio on and listen to the static, it means you’re there somewhere right? If I push that button to talk, you’ll hear me right? If I hold my radio tight will I one day hear your whisper through the interference? Are you there? Do you copy? Do you copy?

Is it possible for a human to feel so sorry?

Time is so cruel

a moment passed
and then there was nothing

pale skin
shining eyes wet with fresh tears
cherry lips
cold skin
warm cheeks
a sharp stare
dark hair
your finger in her mouth as she cries
shivering
or shaking
her hair frames her face
move it
your nail digging into her cut lip
the blood running down her chin
feels wet
a metallic taste
a delicious taste
so strange
fear in her eyes
increase it
pleasure in your eyes
you can't hide it
it can't get any better than this
improve it
keep going
I can't stop
control yourself
let go
you're being violated
take it
I can't
do it
keep going
stop
run
don't you dare
this is mine
i'm yours
who am i?
enough
I want this
I need this
i need you
I needed you

when will this shadow stop following me?
-
I know that it brings me comfort
but i want to be free




I want to be free

I always wanted to know everyone's stories
I wanted to know if their stars were the same as mine

-
If you have a story, will you share it with me please?

God, I am calling out to you
though I am not begging on my knees
I wish I was

Instead I look up at your moon and ponder my existence
Nothing comes of it
My soul just grows more restless
But you know that already

-

God, I am calling out to you today
To free me from the shackles of myself
To let me breathe your sweet air everyday and cherish it

Please cleanse my heart and give my soul nourishment
Allow my eyes to see the beauty of your earth
and to feel the hum of life vibrate through me once again

I have grown restless, ungrateful and wretched
Let me fall into your beauty
Let me see the beauty that I am blind to

-

I want to see again
I want to feel again
I want to feel the sun on my skin
and only focus on the feeling of now

-
I want your forgiveness
I want your acceptance
and I want your guidance

-

I may be lost in this maze
but I know my destination, I have never forgotten nor can I forget
All I can do is ask that you make my path clear for me

close your hands around my throat and god don't let me go
writhe against me in the grey light
it's fast but I know you feel it slow

i miss being able to sleep
but my heart hurts when i'm not chasing the night

I let you see me and now I can't see myself anymore

Loving someone is never a waste

when you can have everything, why want more?

S for say something to me

Do you think I’m crazy?

The feeling of my hand around my neck is so familiar to me
Like a mother’s touch

-
My nails scratch the surface of my tight skin
And they move back and forth, pacing gently
They wait so patiently