I am alive & just barely;
my throat is closing off
with hard, precious cancer eggs
tucked safely where my tonsils
are supposed to sit.
my fingernails this lovely
shade of purple, a deeply
blueish tint influencing them
almost indigo. They tattle,
silently proclaim my complacent
malnutrition. the moons of my manicure
have sunk backwards, eve
returns to dusk, my favorite
time of day, where the quiet
begins, the candle may be lit,
& the eyes I always feel on me
are at least shadowed from my vision.
the coffee is so black
pulsing through my shrunken veins
that my tears are caffeinated.
even when I don't hold a cigarette,
I see the smoke under my breath.
my hands & feet are always cold,
my muscles tremble & I swoon
when we try to stand strong together.
there is turmoil
constant static
in the fissures of the grey matter.
well? tell me! does it really matter?
my bones ache
my face breaks
oh, this Exist Contemplate.
my government has always
been corrupt; the city walls
are finally wearing, having
borne the onslaught for decade
& decade. oh, the Burn & Blister.

I crawl to my coffin without your permission;
Where are you, my Handsome Benediction?

Why is it that winter
portrays darkness, a death upon the Earth?
Sorrow, Mourning, and Melancholy
But if only we could see

Microscopic are these flakes that fall
so gently and not one of them alike
You catch one in your hand
delicate, it melts

Is that what leaves you feeling sad?
Just think, together each of these snowflakes
Blanket the earth and caress branches of trees that have no leaves left to bare;
they sink into the earth and into our bones

Is that what leaves your feelings cold?
Looking out our warm houses we see the sparkling white
We hear not but a sound
All is at peace. It is silent.

Is that what leaves you lonely?
This desolate, lovely new place the earth has been crested with
Soft but cold to the touch, beautiful but vacant
Distinct snowflakes to blame.

What feeling are you left with then?

i'm currently laying in my bed with tears in my eyes for the first time in as long as i can remember.  this feeling is far too familiar, and i didn't miss it at all.  it feels like one of those old friends you didn't mind not seeing anymore, you just sort of accepted their absence.  although this isn't a friend; it never has been nor will it ever be.  it's a foe, and alter ego, and as wretched as it is to say, it's truly my former self.  i've heard countless times the phrase "the hardest thing to endure is watch the one you love, love someone else", but there is a bit of deceit behind it.  in my personal opinion, the hardest thing to endure isn't having the one you love, love someone else, but just simply knowing they don't love you back.  any person could possess their heart, while at the same time, they posses yours.  it's a dreadful feeling, really.  it's consuming, and with the consumption comes emptiness.  the emptiness is what sits in the pit of your stomach.  it's a contradiction, i guess you could say.  lately i've become nothing but a contradiction.  in the words of an anonymous novelist, a "fatal contradiction", which frightens be down below the contradictory emptiness in the pit of my stomach, goes through my blue veins, creeps into my fingertips, which act as puppets by making their way up to their controller, beginning to claw at their puppeteer to make the thoughts stop.

It is rare to have your feelings be so greatly impacted
By a single person that you have only begun to know
But you feel like you have known forever
Like two souls have crossed paths in time
But have finally met in person

I fear it but girl I'm falling
I'm swimming in the baby blue of your eyes
Feeling the power of your heartbeat
Held so close to mind
But I still fear the fall
So much that I resist it
Because I've fallen before and the landing hurts
And still hurts me now
As I look into your soul
And know that I can't give you everything
Because it has already been given
But fear is petty in the face of love
So tell me now before you miss your chance
Will you take my hand
And forget the fall
And just dive in together?

May be I love you.

Or maybe I just love the idea,
Of pressing hard into you,
On cold nights,
When the room’s dark,
and all you can see,
is our panting and labored breathe.
The stink of sweat and clenched fists.

Or maybe I just love the idea,
of drunken mistakes,
on unmade beds,
when whole worlds on fire,
and all you can smell,
is the sweet pitch and sap of smoldering clothes .
The stink of sweat and clenched fists above it all.

Or maybe I just love the idea,
of old age spent alone,
on creaky porches,
when all my senses have faded,
and I can’t love anymore of this world.
Is the end always found alone, in places like this?
The stink of sweat and clenched fists above it all, fighting to the end.

Or maybe all of these things,
but then again,
maybe I love you.