I miss the beach on Cape Cod
And the little cottage with the outdoor shower.
I miss selfies at 3AM
And big hugs.
I miss your black and white comforter,
All the comfort you provided while we huddled underneath it
In the cold winter months.
I miss the laughs,
Movie marathons,
Ramen lunches.

I miss who I was when I was with you.

Can the rainfall translate into words of love
in the same way your heartbeats always patted
out the same old beat, I love you
I love you too

  Could the wind through the trees
ever whisper as softly as you did at 3 am
when we stayed awake all night just trying
to remain alive?

  The heavy breaths I felt on my chest
before you would awaken and kiss me a little too hard
were always the most calming sounds I believed any
human could make

  The storm clouds don't really exist anywhere
outside of my mind, and the lightning struck lovers
that we always were just had to see the sunrise
one day

it wasn't enough to hear you say that you love me,
I needed proof, hard proof, evidence
that a being like yourself even had a heart inside that skeletal cage,
does it beat? Or just lay still
like your body when you're beside me.

I know you don't love me any more,
your heart stopped beating at least 3 months ago
and before that I have a feeling it was black, and cold as ice, anyway

you'd beg for kisses, and more, and tell me you love me
as you collapsed in a heap next to me
but never on me, there was always distance between us
even when we should be the closest one human can get to another

but I felt the space between us, turn from a crack, to a gaping hole
you never told me you loved me when I kissed you, or when I had to blow your nose
because you were too sick to even move your arms

you never said you loved me when I cooked us breakfast on a rainy morning
and you listened to me humming our song, under a breath laced with regret
and that morning I let you wind your arms around my front, and you whispered in my ear
I thought you'd say you loved me, you just told me the eggs were cooked wrong

For most of my life
I wanted to help people
I wanted to be a superhero
I wanted to save people
From everything that was hurting them
I wanted to fix up people's wounds
But then I found out what it meant to be a savior
It means you spend every day worried
That your best friend may not be alive tomorrow
It means second guessing
Every
Single
Word
You say to him
It is being told you are the only reason he is alive
It is spending nights awake
Because being someone who saves
Isn't as rewarding as you thought it would be

I wonder* if he wonders about all the little things that make up me.
I wonder if he wonders about the sound of my voice when I sing, the look on my face when I sleep, and the twinkle that will spark in my eyes when he looks upon me.

I wonder if he wonders about the type of woman I will be.
I wonder if he wonders about the things that I value, the ones who are of importance in my eyes, and the ways that I love in a way entirely unique to me.  

I wonder if he wonders about the looks that hold the soul that is me.
I wonder if he wonders about the curve of my lips, the shape of my hands, the color of my iris, and the clothes I wear to dress the body to hold the soul that is me.

I wonder if he loves me,
Now, even before the concept of “us” has come to be.
I wonder if he wonders if I love him.
And I want him to know that I do.
And that I am waiting for him, the one who is waiting for me, and hoping for him, while hoping that he too hopes for me.

im withering
and falling so softly
to the ground
slowly fading away
hidden amongst the crowd
of flawless beauties
and hidden eyes