i'm debating cutting my hair
and i've spent too long sitting in the shower
trying to wash the dirt off of me

this dirt won't come off
it's all in my mind

everything is calm -
except the ringing in my ears
the white noise from the fan
attempting to drown it out

i can feel the build up in my nose -
the aftershock of unexpected tears
filling my head like concrete

how many days will i feel this -
how many times can i be so foolish
to subject myself to feeling this way
over and over

over and over


when will it be

enough?

when will you

s
t
o
p
?

i find myself wondering through my thoughts quite often.
pulling myself back to the root of
what is -
and what isn't -

the sun moves through so many positions
as does the moon -
as do the stars.

i find myself angry, in my lack of discipline
to push myself to be better -
to be the best that i can be.

i find my heart mimicking the murmur of yours.

through the tears and through the pain -
i am constantly finding my way back to myself

reminding myself that it's okay to not be okay -

and that

everything

will be

okay.

it

will

always

be

okay.

i tried to write about it,
i thought it would help.
but i found myself
four lines
and
two
stanzas
in -

and I was already shaking

I’m trying to understand what happened
and how I got here
and how you got there
by the skin of my teeth
i bleed every month
to live
to breathe
I’m trying to understand what happened
and how i got here
so far from home
so cold
so alone

I’m trying to understand

I’ve stopped drinking
(for the most part)
but today is the first time I’ve truly felt like drowning

fighting the urge, stumbling to the bar
asking the shadowed shell of a human behind the bar for
"Whatever will put me out the fastest.”

instead I battled with the ceiling
(and the back of my eyelids)
for longer than I’d like to admit

my eyes, surrounded in black
as my make up has washed itself off
(one less thing I have to deal with)

-

i lost control of my left leg today,
(usually it’s the right)
but I guess the panic attack was
quite literally, keeping me on my toes

(It’s been a long time since I’ve felt like this)
my body dripping in perspiration trying to make
sense of everything
the sounds of the city have drowned me more than any bottle could

i cant begin to express the thoughts that dwindle though my brain each day
they are too complex for the any human to digest
honestly, even i can't digest them.

the sun sets around 6:45pm here
we get a few extra minutes of sunlight from living on the coast
the west coast
best coast

best

coast

i
don't
know

im confused and torn
ripped to shreds
by my own frustration
by my own confusion
by disappointments over and over

trying to live my life without expectations is a complete and utter lie

i have to learn how to live

before i decide to die