I always try to be the most confident person in the room. I sit and look into that mirror whispering those three words. I. love. you. but the fact is I hate myself down to the very core. It's so hard to be happy when you're heart is rotting and maggots are growing. After a while being called a ******* becomes normal. It becomes a tradition. And I tend to be traditional. the echoes of those past words like to linger, take effect after a while, like those nuclear explosions that hurt the Japanese. I wish or I wished I could see his face now. Dad aren't you proud? Your son did grow up to be worthless somehow. I guess it was all the lessons you thought me in my bedroom. Or that look you gave me out the rear view. ITS LIKE YOU NEVER EVEN ******* TRIED TO BE THE MAN I NEEDED BUT THATS FINE I hope the world doesn't ******* explode or if it does oh well I won't be around to ******* tell. Take care now. Sayonara. And fare well.

It's summertime again, the flowers are in bloom I mean can you feel all the gloom lifting, the happy thoughts rejoicing, every cell singing. It's a beautiful time of year and still nothing compares to the beauty of that one little sunflower standing so strong and elegant. is it so wrong for me to sit and stare at this wonderful work of art? It blows my mind how such a beautiful and amazing thing could be created out of nothing. No Devine meeting, no Devine presence, just mere coincidence. But it's by watching you standing there with such a strong presence I've learned to hold myself up against the currents. Those eyes that have pierced the skies of my heart turning my dark clouds of grey to sunny ******* days. It's those lovely freckles I enjoy so much that I count when I touch your lovely skin that is silky and smooth, but most of all its your heart that pulls me in towards you. I don't believe in God, I don't believe in the Devine, but I believe my heart when it says you must be mine. I believe in nature and what I see.... I see a little sunflower and I am your bee.

I’ve ended it so many times in my head, planned every single detail to the very end. I still shake in fear every single time I try and execute it. Because after all I’m not like you. I’ll never be like you. A self imposed coward who took his own life. God ****** why did you leave. Because it was easy to leave me. We were supposed to adventure and save the princess together but now she’s left in a tower to wither. You broke me. Now twenty-one years old trying to find hope in a word that Just is so ******* cold. The sun seems to be fading or I’m just sick inside never going to see the light, because the day you left is the day I died. Well a part of me that is the inner kid. My sense of wonder and imagination was you. You. Little Dylan. Before the pain of a drug inflicted house hold. A father who left you alone. A escape of ecstasy and love. Always trying to find a new host one to gaze upon and Feed off of. I’d say i lost myself in the deep woods of life. I’d say I don’t even go by the same name. I’m not the person who was born into this world. I’m Not even a shard of glass in that pile. I’m lost. Gone forever.

Stuck in a dead in that I can never escape. Trying to hold on to air but forgetting to breathe. Realizing all the ******* **** you did to me. Realizing that pain is real and it's okay to hurt. But ******* I never thought my heart would hurt like this. I feel as if I'm falling into the abyss. An enteral slumber of the soul becoming a corporate junking. Becoming a heartless man who's been broken too many times to be fixed. Why why did it come to this? Is it the colors in my head that just don't mash right? Instead of making a rainbow they make an ink blot. Blacker than Tar and darker than sin, Wish to never feel again. I wish all this pain would just go away even for a single day. Instead I'll just push it down. Down. Down. To the very bottom of my stomach. Until the acid reflux hits and I ***** all the thoughts I've been thinking. Until I spew all the words from my head and leave you all baffled from what I said. You'll ask how can you be sad? You're so happy all the time. But I drain myself dry trying to make the world believe I can fly.

   Until that day comes I can look into a mirror and say I love you. To the only person that needs to hear it. I guess I'll be a member of a broken heart club and as a matter of fact I'm the leader of it.

Mama always said you reap what you sow, but that was back when I was ten years old, back when I begged and cried she wouldn't leave me in the cold, hoping and pleading I would never grow like my old man.

Mama always said be careful what you wish for, but shouldn't she be the one careful when she sticks that needle in her arm, when she pops another pill to take away all the pain. But trust me when I say the easy train isn't always the greatest way. You took in a man, you barely knew, let him sleep in your house in your own bedroom, never believed your kids when they said they hated that evil man. But still you couldn't stop the black vans from coming, from taking the kids away, from life changing and never being the same. Oh god. The sun rises and the sun sets and I still hold on to your beautifulness before the drugs took it all away like a thief In the night who didn't stray from stealing my prize possession someone I looked up too, but know what can I do but look down upon you. I hope one day you can actually grow up and realize I do love you, but I can't because I hate what you do. Behind the eyes of a childhood memory I write this, but with heart of a lion I type this, and with the will of a fighter I finish this.

Moses parted the Red Sea, the great giant was slain by a boy with a sling, yet I can't even get you to love me, to hear me, to speak to me. I scream and cry to see a sign in the great divide, but nothing. I hear nothing only silence quiet as the day the towers fell or at the gates of hell. I'm trapped in a prison of my own self doubts and loathing and forget one lesson you taught me. You said do not fear for I am with you yet I seem to doubt you. You tell me I am beautiful and perfectly made yet I sit and curse your name. You still love me even tho I do not deserve your love. I am a flower and you are the sun. In your absence I feel weak and cold but in your embrace I feel strong and bold. I know now that greatness lives in me, and the demons in my head are just lies I tell to try to better myself but there is nothing to better I am perfectly made in your great hands and I know I am a better man. I know that in your eyes I am forgiven because when you said it was finished you meant it. I don't deserve your mercy or the love you give me but everyday I will take it.

Eyes so green, skin so pale looking like an angel without a veil. You invade my everyday life turning simple tasks into a fight trying to wrestle the beautiful thoughts of you or focus on what I need to do. Butterflies fill my heart everytime I see you smile, everytime your eyes catch mine it's like a bomb inside my mind. Turning everything I do into mush.

This life journey would be so different without you, I promise you. Now I beg you rest your head on top my chest dream of the best days and craziness. No more nightmares can cloud your mind I've slain them for all of time. This is the end of my tale God bless and goodnight.

Happiness, happiness comes from within. It's something we have to learn on our own, alone, cold. Before happiness becomes pain. A pain not physical but one of the heart own that can not be mended by wide eyed girls, or slamming guitars. One that can only be mended by time, tough love is what you taught me, a time spent alone to reflect on my own personal issues, inner happiness, Inner peace. The key to happiness is this, be broken, learn to be okay by yourself, love yourself. And then and only then, can you love her. A beautiful angel sent from above as if she defended from the heavens herself. Learn this my friend, walk down that dark road the one that is dim lit and full of monsters for that one has a rainbow on the other side.

It all starts with a road I walk down of my own self doubts and ends with an ocean of insecurities that I can never cross with the raft I had made. Or maybe it's your wrath that has made me so scared to go outside all of these years. So scared to be myself so I put on a suit made of someone else. I lobotomize my own brain just to be a selfless corpse. Walking around a god forsaken world, one without love and mercy, one that knows nothing of glory. One that will chew you and spit you out just to laugh at your bleeding body. But baby let me tell you one thing, this ****** up world isn't everything. Sometimes there is beauty in the most simplest of things. I'm learning these lessons everyday and the fog seems to be going away. The seas of my insecurities are going down. The storm is passing. The storm is passing.

Seeing you happy with someone else still stings on the inside but I know he makes you smile and that makes me smile, I became a man tonight and put away all my childish things like holding on the hate I had for you breaking me, but maybe that was all apart of some greater plan, one I do not fully understand but one day I hope we can still be friends because in the end that's what you were to me my best friend, someone I could count on when things got rough, when the seas got scary you were there to calm the storm. I wanna thank you for letting me be apart of your life for so long letting me get to know your family and friends I broke a lot of hearts in the end but I'm not throwing a tantrum anymore I'm setting the unsettled score I'm letting you and everyone see the real the true vulnerable me. In these poems I talk about how sad I am without you but I think those are lies I just tell myself to sleep at night. I love you I always will as a person not in love with you but care for you always and forever until the day I die I will look back and smile on the times we shared, on the memories, the smiles. Thank you for everything. I owe you a big part of me, because without you I wouldn't have became me. The real me. The true me.

Thank you.

Childhood stories of a great man, a great man who fought for Uncle Sam, a man who came home to his wife and kids and loved them oh god how he loved them. These where the lies I told myself living inside that house, eight years old living in the cold of my own existence, abandoned by a man who claimed he did it for the best but in reality he was chasing some young bright eyed girl who wasn't even old enough to take a shot. A broken mother who was too broken to care a very young brother who was too young to know any better. These are the truth behind the curtain of stretched circumstances that cloud them.

You're living a lovers dream, and I am cursed to watch it unfold behind a computer screen. Forced to weigh my own wrong doings, for the things I corrupted and destroyed. Suffocation by vicious thoughts in my head, tears that could pierce any heart but yours. No I had your heart sometime ago but you took that back without even telling a soul without even letting anyone know you were going a different way, a path without my hand.

Forever I will love you, forever I'll need you, forever the identity of you will be a figment of a fraction of a  memory buried behind years of tragedy and despair. Sometimes I dream of your touch the touch of a ghost the touch that was always too pure for me to feel or gaze upon. You fade in and out of my mind a blur in the grand scheme of things but even dust in the wind can cause a sand storm. You're gone too gone to grasp but not too gone to be forgotten. You are righteous and holy. The highest of all deities but a mortal beauty. I'm an cursed forever to sail the high seas of my own self doubts waiting for someone like you to come around to save me from the high waves and tornados. Right now at this very moment I know you're safe in the ground but I hope it's not too cold because if it is my dear I'll be there in the morning to hold you until the sun implodes and our bodies become one.

The walls we built together back in 63 are now covered in concrete and steel beams, I remember sitting on top your lap as you made the gold for the entire city but that was back in the 90s oh god that was back in the 90s TAKE ME BACK TO THE 90s IM SITTING HERE WRAPPED IN A BLANKET ON TOP OF A MOUNTAIN ITS A COLD TEXAS WINTER... ITS BEEN 16 HOURS SINCE I SAID MY LAST GOODBYE! I PICTURE YOUR FACE I PICTURE THE WORDS THAT YOU TOLD MEEE. This house is not a home
This house is not a home  
This house is not a home
THIS HOUSE IS NOT A HOME ANYMORE

A couple months have passed since I dropped a rose by your tombstone, the house is turning to mold, I'm trying to hold it all together but Weeds are growing, roaches are swarming, the pool is turning black, there are skeletons forming and I'm not coming back.

This house is not a home
This house is not a home
THIS HOUSE IS NOT A HOME ANYMORE.

YOU USED TO TELL ME HOW MUCH YOU LOVED ME I CANT HEAR YOUR VOICE ANYMORE! YOU USED TO SAY HOW PROUD YOU WERE OF ME AND I CANT HEAR YOU ANYMORE!

I miss you not romantically but I miss your company, I miss the friendship that was created from days spent laughing, smiling, crying. Things have changed I know, the fragile vase that was our relationship broke but that doesn't mean the companionship went away maybe just astray? The fact that no matter how much I tell my self I hate you will never be true because I could never hate you because the more and more I think about it all you're the one person who believed in me from the get go. I do love you but I'm not in love with you, I do care for you but I would never want you back. You see we are the moon and the sun... Forever I will try and chase the light you illuminate forever I will shine because of the principles of life you taught me. Forever My life will be changed from the months spent learning how to love, how to let someone care about me, how to bring joy and be loved. My hope for you and me is that one day we can live in sweet harmony not feel liable to check up on one another but actually want to care for one another. I only hope the best for you. A life full of love and happiness. A boy who will love you with all his heart.

I destroyed the very sanctity of what I perceived as holy. I took the veil that you gave me and tore it. I cursed your name since the day you breathed life and love into me. Even when I let you in for the little time that I did I cursed you.... Why... Because pain and sorrow do not cause happiness because the life that was given to me was not ideal for a boy like me. A child too afraid to speak is mind is nothing. A baby bird without his mother can never learn to fly I never learned to fly.

A lion without a father can never learn to fight. You gave me every opportunity to fail but I'm still here. I haven't given up on the plans I have for my life. I'm still trying to get it right. But I love you. that will never go away. The lessons that you taught me. The fears that you brought me. The lies that you told me. All to protect me confuses me and scares me but I know that you love me. I know that love is real and true and yet I might not understand it I choose to trust in you. I choose to get on me knees and pray. I choose a life full of self sacrifice and love just to bring you praise. Before i lay my head to sleep I beg you to reconcile this. To help be move away from this hell I dug.

Demon.
Eyes black as night, they will pierce you as you walk by, gazing into your soul your pure light soul she will turn it to dust even coal. Black. *****. And black. But I love her, I love the way her evilness takes over me. Turning me into a demonic Slave of sorts. She is an immortal being of the highest class, a deity afraid of no mortal man. She is desirable, she is lovely, she is free to do as she pleases. For ever she will be my dark queen, and I will forever dwell as her, dead corpse of a body. Admiring her from a distance, decomposing.

So memories rushing back to me as fast as the white Rapids pushing down a stream, the fill my head make me re think all my past mistakes, if you ask me if your name pops up on that list the answer would be yes, yes, with out a doubt yes, you destroyed my very out look on life, made me cold to touch, cold to hold, too cold to feel the warmth of love. You took a boy who was healing and healed him, but when you left all the wounds came back 7 fold, just like Jesus said but the complete opposite. Maybe I worship a deity of the highest mortality, maybe I worship a ghost that could never love me again, maybe just maybe I couldn't see myself living beyond the very reach of your arms, but now there 6ft down and I can't reach them, I still stop by every once in a while we're you're laid to rest, sometimes I bring flowers to your eternal bed, most of the time I just lay there and cry wishing, hoping, praying you can hear me. For now these memories will haunt me, **** me for eternity.

Statues are crumbling, my stomach is rumbling trying to tell me to eat something, because you see I haven't been able to eat, or sleep since you left me. Since God took you away from me. Or some Deity. What kind of God would separate a boy from a girl, what kind of God would destroy the kind of love I had for her. The love isn't gone either it's just lost in a fog of memories half unread. Like the way she looked at me and smiled when I saw her. GOD WHY DID YOU TAKE HER. I know im a better man but you can't just stray from the plans. I hate you. But I love you. taking her saved me. Brought me from the dead. Opened my eyes to new light. It's a shame she's gone. But she lives in me. Everyday I'll live for not one but two. So thank you.

I feel sick, sick to my stomach. That love was a fake wasn't it? Maybe it was and maybe just maybe it was real. But for the time being you're a ghost to me. A never ending haunting of what I used to be. I used to be happy and in love now they are fading memories forever clouded by a black sunrise of guilt and shame. It was all my fault, it was my fault you won't talk to me but all my friends say im innocent but im a self made convict. For now I'll lay in my bed again and again thinking of all the good times we had.

Im out of words to say
The raw emotion I've put into words
Have ceased to come out of my mind
I no longer have anything of value to say to you. I no longer wish you were here next to me. I no longer long for your touch upon my skin. The statue is finally starting to feel life medusas gaze has touched another broken hearted boy.

My cocoon has broken and I am spreading my wings flying as high as they will allow me. Soaring against the roaring winds breaking bad again. Life feels so good but soon one day I'll fall in love again and the grey skies will creep back up. Happiness always comes with a price. What will you give up? What will be taken away? Keep the TV on and stay tuned.

I've been trying to make a better man out of me, writing these songs in my head to put me to sleep. They say a darkness grows inside man when he can't find his way, there's no light light at the end of the tunnel, im scared im going to stray. Don't forget about me these eyes or my smile I hope im etched inside your head for at least a little while. There is a reason for my suffering one day it will be alright. I promise that I'll be a better man by the end of the night! I SWEAR TO GOD IM TRYING, TO FIND MY WAY! DONT YOU ******* DARE TELL ME YOUR SORRY. You don't care anyway..... So I'll sing another song about good times and a few about the bad. I'll start to fade away in the background.

Do you still care or does the thoughts that go on inside your head tell a different tale from the one you tell me in bed. Holding me tight but you feel a million miles from here. Slipping inside my head from the memories half unread. Forgetting how things used to be now they are just broken dreams. Is there a part of me that's missing? Or am I just empty. I need your love but it's not comforting but I reject it so openly. I need you to care and you do but I can't see how? I'm so worthless and Lonely but you still love me. How can that be? How can someone so powerful and pure love anyone like me. But there is something about you that makes me feel so pure and good not like I'm some nothing destined to be ****** for all eternity. You call me love and beautiful. And that's what I am. I am loved and beautiful.

Same **** just another day from the seed you planted inside my brain, those four words that haunt me still today. Now I'm just a lost cause trying to find meaning in this world, broken hearted from some green eyed girl. But I find comfort in strangers the quick hellos and goodbyes no mess to clean up after because I'm still a mess if that matters. Im growing cold without the sun to keep me warm im growing cold from this non-inflicted harm. From this heartbreak that I feel every single day from the friends that disappear like evaporating water in the air only to come back for a brief season when it rains. Im lost and I feel alone but I know with time... All wounds heal.

I wanna fall asleep and never wake up... Dream about your love. Because at least that fantasy will last for eternity like the love you promised me. But reality is that you left me, broke me. Made me into a coward. Something im not. I'm weak so weak but yet I see hope in the distance a fading light not for you and I but for myself. Me. I see something in my self I haven't seen in ages good esteem.. I'm going to love myself. Because I am worth being loved. Because I am loved. And that's what I'll be.

The nights get lonely and the days seem short life has lost its purpose but the world keeps tumbling on. People pass, heartbroken and in pain. They are look up from the path that went astray if they can all make it so can I? I'll be a better guy by the end of the night. I still dream about you and how we used to touch. Thank you for letting me be apart of your journey and I mean it when I speak. I hope one day you'll find love in a young man full a heart of gold. And one day I'll find love in a lonely girl shivering from the cold. Our paths have left us in different routes maybe they will cross again but I have my doubts. Until next time my friend. Thank you do everything goodnight and amen.

I used to believe that moving images on a screen could help me forget about how hurt and broken I am. That for a brief second the scandalous screams and raging hormones could stop my heart from breaking. There was a hole left inside me at an early age no father around to teach me how to be a man. I filled that gap with ***  trying to figure out what life was all about. Im grown up now and not much has changed I still try to find comfort in a pizza delivery guy getting his payment from a fantasy brought on by a teenage dream. A naughty school girl who needs to be punished. The **** librarian who told you to be quiet. These images these moving images on my laptop screen have destroyed the very moral behind this beautiful thing. Forever my mind will be tainted. Forever my mind will be not pure, forever it will be hard to fall for a girl based on her heart not her pearls, or her smile, her eyes, her neck, and whatever is below that.