I always try to be the most confident person in the room. I sit and look into that mirror whispering those three words. I. love. you. but the fact is I hate myself down to the very core. It's so hard to be happy when you're heart is rotting and maggots are growing. After a while being called a ******* becomes normal. It becomes a tradition. And I tend to be traditional. the echoes of those past words like to linger, take effect after a while, like those nuclear explosions that hurt the Japanese. I wish or I wished I could see his face now. Dad aren't you proud? Your son did grow up to be worthless somehow. I guess it was all the lessons you thought me in my bedroom. Or that look you gave me out the rear view. ITS LIKE YOU NEVER EVEN ******* TRIED TO BE THE MAN I NEEDED BUT THATS FINE I hope the world doesn't ******* explode or if it does oh well I won't be around to ******* tell. Take care now. Sayonara. And fare well.

It's summertime again, the flowers are in bloom I mean can you feel all the gloom lifting, the happy thoughts rejoicing, every cell singing. It's a beautiful time of year and still nothing compares to the beauty of that one little sunflower standing so strong and elegant. is it so wrong for me to sit and stare at this wonderful work of art? It blows my mind how such a beautiful and amazing thing could be created out of nothing. No Devine meeting, no Devine presence, just mere coincidence. But it's by watching you standing there with such a strong presence I've learned to hold myself up against the currents. Those eyes that have pierced the skies of my heart turning my dark clouds of grey to sunny ******* days. It's those lovely freckles I enjoy so much that I count when I touch your lovely skin that is silky and smooth, but most of all its your heart that pulls me in towards you. I don't believe in God, I don't believe in the Devine, but I believe my heart when it says you must be mine. I believe in nature and what I see.... I see a little sunflower and I am your bee.

I’ve ended it so many times in my head, planned every single detail to the very end. I still shake in fear every single time I try and execute it. Because after all I’m not like you. I’ll never be like you. A self imposed coward who took his own life. God ****** why did you leave. Because it was easy to leave me. We were supposed to adventure and save the princess together but now she’s left in a tower to wither. You broke me. Now twenty-one years old trying to find hope in a word that Just is so ******* cold. The sun seems to be fading or I’m just sick inside never going to see the light, because the day you left is the day I died. Well a part of me that is the inner kid. My sense of wonder and imagination was you. You. Little Dylan. Before the pain of a drug inflicted house hold. A father who left you alone. A escape of ecstasy and love. Always trying to find a new host one to gaze upon and Feed off of. I’d say i lost myself in the deep woods of life. I’d say I don’t even go by the same name. I’m not the person who was born into this world. I’m Not even a shard of glass in that pile. I’m lost. Gone forever.

Stuck in a dead in that I can never escape. Trying to hold on to air but forgetting to breathe. Realizing all the ******* **** you did to me. Realizing that pain is real and it's okay to hurt. But ******* I never thought my heart would hurt like this. I feel as if I'm falling into the abyss. An enteral slumber of the soul becoming a corporate junking. Becoming a heartless man who's been broken too many times to be fixed. Why why did it come to this? Is it the colors in my head that just don't mash right? Instead of making a rainbow they make an ink blot. Blacker than Tar and darker than sin, Wish to never feel again. I wish all this pain would just go away even for a single day. Instead I'll just push it down. Down. Down. To the very bottom of my stomach. Until the acid reflux hits and I ***** all the thoughts I've been thinking. Until I spew all the words from my head and leave you all baffled from what I said. You'll ask how can you be sad? You're so happy all the time. But I drain myself dry trying to make the world believe I can fly.

   Until that day comes I can look into a mirror and say I love you. To the only person that needs to hear it. I guess I'll be a member of a broken heart club and as a matter of fact I'm the leader of it.

Mama always said you reap what you sow, but that was back when I was ten years old, back when I begged and cried she wouldn't leave me in the cold, hoping and pleading I would never grow like my old man.

Mama always said be careful what you wish for, but shouldn't she be the one careful when she sticks that needle in her arm, when she pops another pill to take away all the pain. But trust me when I say the easy train isn't always the greatest way. You took in a man, you barely knew, let him sleep in your house in your own bedroom, never believed your kids when they said they hated that evil man. But still you couldn't stop the black vans from coming, from taking the kids away, from life changing and never being the same. Oh god. The sun rises and the sun sets and I still hold on to your beautifulness before the drugs took it all away like a thief In the night who didn't stray from stealing my prize possession someone I looked up too, but know what can I do but look down upon you. I hope one day you can actually grow up and realize I do love you, but I can't because I hate what you do. Behind the eyes of a childhood memory I write this, but with heart of a lion I type this, and with the will of a fighter I finish this.

Moses parted the Red Sea, the great giant was slain by a boy with a sling, yet I can't even get you to love me, to hear me, to speak to me. I scream and cry to see a sign in the great divide, but nothing. I hear nothing only silence quiet as the day the towers fell or at the gates of hell. I'm trapped in a prison of my own self doubts and loathing and forget one lesson you taught me. You said do not fear for I am with you yet I seem to doubt you. You tell me I am beautiful and perfectly made yet I sit and curse your name. You still love me even tho I do not deserve your love. I am a flower and you are the sun. In your absence I feel weak and cold but in your embrace I feel strong and bold. I know now that greatness lives in me, and the demons in my head are just lies I tell to try to better myself but there is nothing to better I am perfectly made in your great hands and I know I am a better man. I know that in your eyes I am forgiven because when you said it was finished you meant it. I don't deserve your mercy or the love you give me but everyday I will take it.

Eyes so green, skin so pale looking like an angel without a veil. You invade my everyday life turning simple tasks into a fight trying to wrestle the beautiful thoughts of you or focus on what I need to do. Butterflies fill my heart everytime I see you smile, everytime your eyes catch mine it's like a bomb inside my mind. Turning everything I do into mush.

This life journey would be so different without you, I promise you. Now I beg you rest your head on top my chest dream of the best days and craziness. No more nightmares can cloud your mind I've slain them for all of time. This is the end of my tale God bless and goodnight.