Dustin Wills: Poems

Anxiety Is

Dustin Wills Apr 2013

Normalicy is living up to a bigger name
Unattainable in all the right ways
A bitter sweet dream that you can't help but
Reach for.

It is a false sense of security on a "normal" day
And the crushing weight when something goes wrong
Knowing you'll never be normal
As long as you worry

Anxiety is your least favorite friend
But somehow your closest
It’s a title you try to wear proudly
Claiming “titles don’t define me”

But somehow the symptom list consumes you
With every “please don’t do that”
And you’re sinking deeper with “it’s not that big of a deal”
You’re drowning when they do it anyway

Anxiety is a trigger list longer than a prescription name
And missed phone calls everyone’s used to
Knowing you’re the disappointment as plans fall apart
A broken heart when they just quit calling

It’s your ticking time bomb on when you’ll be fired
When people will leave and you don’t try to convince yourself that they wont anymore
Because everyone does
It’s easier to leave than to help and to understand

It’s the toxic part of you that you try to hide
Cover it with bandaids
And hope they ignore the radioactive poison through your veins
And you’re just trying to feel like you’re not poision

It’s an IM box that understands and a parent that doesn’t
Knowing you’re not alone but feeling it anyway
Because when you’re choking for air and getting weird stares
You’re alone

Yeah i'm not going to really try to edit this one.

Fairytale

Dustin Wills Feb 2013

Fairytale

Sometimes when I am sad
I go home and I watch sad movies
I give and snivel out snot laced tissues
of worthlessness

I cry tears of pain
But not because of what Character A has done to Character B
But because of what mother and father
have done to me

I am tired of turning away
I am tired of being strong
I am tired of being second on your to do list
I am tired of your misogynistic comments

So I press play again
And **** in worlds of fantasy
Because it's easier than coming to terms with my reality
Easier than ******* it up just to be handed a second serving

So no, I'm not done with this particular movie
Yes I know I have seen it 12 times today
And in a moment I will make it 13
If you touch this remote you will taste regret in the blood that comes out of your gums

The only thing you can help with is getting me another ******* box of tissues
I didn't come here to face my issues
I didn't come here to be strong
I came here to be weak when no one else is looking

So please ignore me.
Please pay attention to the smile I plaster on my face
The clothes that become a second skin in the morning
And the words that come out of my mouth border lining a scream

Because it's easier
It's easier than facing it alone. Where is my princess?
Where was my coat of armor when they threw me in the dragons lair
My life was supposed to be a fantasy book but someone forgot to write in the happy ending

And if it's not a fairy tale please let me pretend
Because I already know the answer that every life is a tragedy
Because everyone dies in the end
I just wanted a prince charming to die with me in my sleep but I guess i'm sticking with *****

There is no happy ending
And there is no neverland
There's just you and me and characters a b and c
So someone please change the ******* channel and get me out of here

Help

Dustin Wills Feb 2013

Help

Walk faster push harder
Look for a light in the sun
All though all around you it feels like it dying
You're dying there's no air there's no fun

You're drowning alone and suffocating
The salt being poured down your throat
Strangles your cries for help
You can't hardly breath much less float

So why try?
Why not give up?
The bodies around you have done it
The blood that you drown in could fill gallons and cups

But you don't
You're still here
You're alive
Dispite what you fear

I am too
And so are the others
My pain won't be so bad
If we help one anothers

Its a long and scary swim
with no boats and no oars
But i'll give you my hand
If you give me yours

I think my Moms a homophobe

Dustin Wills Aug 2012

I think my Moms a homophobe

I think my mom's a homophobe
I think this because she said broken truths when I told her about homecoming
I told her about the girl with soft lips and small hands that fit perfectly with mine
But I just called her Haley

I had new words she told me
They suspiciously matched my schools words
Freak abomination loser
I now wonder if they were talking on the sidelines

I know
I'm supposed to love my mom
But do I still have to
If she hated me first?

She praised the all loving god onto me
Telling me his love was a lie
And I was going with the sinners
To the place where they drink fire *****

I think my mom's a homophobe
I text my religious cousin
Does God love everyone
Undoubtedly because you are perfect to Him

Then why does my mom hate me?
She made me get on my knees and pray
Pray a prayer I hope goes unanswered
By those who I think aren't even there

I think my mom's a homophobe
I know I'm supposed to love my mother
But how can I
If I don't even know how to love myself?

Every
What is that
You're such a waste
It can be cured

Like a snake on the asphalt basking in the hate
Until the asphalt is the road and I am run over by
Self pity. Self Hatrid. Self Absorbed.

Yes **** the terrorists
**** the rapists
**** the robbers
and the muggers

**** them all
Because who I love
Is more important
Me, I'm in dire need of your opinion

Mirrors don't line my eyes up anymore
I think they forgot where to put them
Because I forgot
Where to look

Looking only at the negative
Going on suicide boards
Instead of
Love boards

Why am I the one being subjected to evil
When I am only trying to love
Being hated for only
Loving

Mirror mirror on the wall
Who is the prettiest of them all
My lover is the one I see
Her soft lips and small hands

I think my moms a homophobe
And I don't know how to breath anymore

Mental Hospital

Dustin Wills Feb 2013

Mental Hospital

You smile at the White lady with kindness
You look at the White walls littered with get-well-soon posters
You dress down in White scrubs that let you feel the cold air
And everything here is just so ******* White

You feel yourself pad against the Cold floor
And the Cold air stinging against your chest
You lay in your Cold bed for some rest
Because everyones heart here is just so ******* Cold

You smile at the Insane girl with voices in her head
You nod at the Insane boy with scars on his arms
You chuckle at the Insane girl with her fists clenched
Because everyone here is just so ******* Insane

You Smile at the patients
You Smile at the staff
You Smile at the movies
And everyone agrees that you are just so ******* Happy

You give them a Childish number from 1-10
You give them 3 Childish feeling words to match
You listen to their adult voice drone out Childish coping methods
Because your problems are so ******* Childish

You can only change yourself they say
Have you tried to work it out they say
There are people much worse of than you they say
*And you believe them because they tell you to

4AM poem thinking about my time in the mental hospital for depression/suicide

My Name Is...

Dustin Wills Aug 2012

My Name Is...

My name is Crazy
My name is disgusting, crooked teeth, *****, *****, four eyes, fatty, the pregnant chick.
But they call me crazy
I am not crazy

I express myself in ways no one can see or want to feel
I am not the cold expressionless face of cool
My clothing brands don’t shout the colors of the homophobic rainbow
Nor do my eyes lust after every boy with the sticker on his hat

For every boy and girl I see molded together in the hallway
I feel the sting of being alone
Hidden in the restroom
I see the smear smack and glitter of the makeup they touch up

I am not like them.
Nor do I want to be.
I feel pain everyday
The stifling grip of my depression dulls every sun ray

Some understand this very pain
HOW DARE YOU
How dare you try to understand my pain

I’m a teenager hear my angst of being alone like all the other alone people
In this jail cell we call highschool
We are all the same though we crave the different
Under the oppression of the creativity box we are forced into only few see the light

Crying aloud as the same people pile on top I feel their words sting.
The name calling it calls out. Their suffering is obvious
The indifferent face of cool shines so brightly with caring they are blind to it
My name is Christy

My Name is Gender Roles

Dustin Wills Sep 2012

My Name is Gender Roles

To the boy in my German class who critizised me for picking a male name instead of a female one.

I wonder how your head will ****
When you see your best friend Joey
Become Johanna

I wonder how your jaw will drop
When you see your son
Beg to be bought a dress

I wonder how your ears will suffer
When your daughter
Shows up at your home with her girlfriend

I wonder if you will care
You called me crazy
My name is Dirk

My name is Gender Roles
If you are born a female
I come with
Flowers

I come with
Barbies and pink accessories
I come with pink kitchen sets
and doll hair brushes and fake makeup

I come with pink
I come with pink
I come with pink
I come with pink

I come in fusha
I come in burgandy
I come in lilac
I come in white

For the added package
I come with liposuction
and days without food

I come with too tight clothes
and more labels than you can count
I come with kitchen jokes

I come with being judged if you
had ***
or
Haven't

But wait there's more

If you are male
I come with toy trucks
And remote controls
I come with not crying

I come with blue *****
And Sunday football games
And rough housing and be a man

Be a man
Be a man
Be a man
Be a man

I come in Testosterone black
I come in beaten up blue
I come in Grades don't matter green
I come in what're you looking at white

For the added package
I come with teasing
Required gym time
Peer preasure
Don't cry

I come with straightness
And close minded friends
I come with video games
I come with make the money

Pay for dinner
Pay for movies
Pay for living
Pay for squirming

I come with physical torture

Critizised
For having ***
or
Not having ***

My name is Gender roles and I come in a school room
My name is Izzie and I'm alive
My name is Christy and I'm crying
My name is Dirk and I am satisfied

My name is Gender roles

This requires insight. In my German 1 class we are allowed to pick German names to be called that for the remainder of the year. We had an option of choosing female names and male names. I chose Dirk. (Deerk pronounced)

Secrets

Dustin Wills Jan 2012

Secrets

Hidden
In corners
In cracks
Building borders

Lies and ****
Love and stealing
No one told
But still revealing

Never spoken
Always cried
Lips sewn shut
In eyes of someone died

Be quiet!
Forbidden..
For my secrets..
Well hidden..

Story Time

Dustin Wills Sep 2012

Story Time

Let me tell you about highschool
Let me tell you about the girls with hair higher then they can reach
The boys with the careless hair
The love intre-

No

Let me tell you about MY highschool
With the nerd shirts and phrases that most don’t understand
With the football games and the blue and white face paint
The girls talking to me with another pair of lips rather than the ones plastered on their face

No

Let me tell you about life
About the dew drops in the morning
The smile hidden in a stranger as he orders his double mocha triple shot dosage of love
Injected

No

Let me tell you about me
Let me tell you about my mom and her thin lips that orchestrate fat lies
Let me tell you about my dad who treats the bottle like the daughter he never wanted
Let me tell you about my school life and the way I get treated

No

Let me tell you a story
A story about ups and downs
Pills and coke and *****
With books and love interests
I cant fit my life into a poem

I can tell you my love life in a poem
My scars in a poem
My hate in a poem
My fears in a poem
I can’t tell you my life

I can tell you about my surroundings
How I always try to be strong
But you can only stick your head near ***** for so long
Before you start smelling what they're saying.

I can tell you about homophobia
About the men who flinch at the very word ******
Or the girls who are so uncomfortable with themselves they starve
I can tell you about the parents childless because of bullying

So tell me
What do you want to hear today?

The Circus

Dustin Wills Jan 2012

The Circus

Everything that used to be
Is now all that has been abandoned
Hollow-shelled and left for vultures
Not even bugs dare to touch the dust ridden and forgotten

A marvelous twisted combination of steel
In all its glory laid to rest
Paint chipped in all the wrong places
Blanketed in dust it rides no more

The blanket rises above all
Everything chipped broken and worn to slithers
All around flecks of red or yellow peak out
But what is all around you is a cold insensitive grey

You feel the unloved and unwanted mask to your skin
You hear the children crying, laughing and shouting
You taste the grey clogging you airways with the reminiscent of cotton candy
You see the pain that the beautiful beast has gone through

Fresh salted water now stains in areas where the dust is
Clumping it together like a pitiful pile of unwanted mud
You now see and realize.
You are The Circus

Untitled

Dustin Wills Feb 2013

Untitled

Look into the mirror Mrs. *******
Cry out your narcotics
Yell at your dealers, It helps you feel alive
Who are you?

Gaping hole in your chest
Won’t ever leave you
Daddy and Mommy?
They left, they aren’t coming back

Heart so tattered and worn
How many people call you a *****
You’re still young though
You’re body doesn’t have much time left

Needle pinpricks razorblades
Your body hates you
Apologize though no one’s listening
Your razor is your only friend

Old friend
The only ones you ever had
I don’t know why you self destruct
Maybe you’ll get your head out of the clouds soon

New friend
Non existent for you
Who will you turn to?
I miss adoration
You’ll be alone for a long time ano?

Found in the drafts of an old e-mail account. Not sure when I wrote it.

— The End —