You shattered everything I built so high, with a simple smile and a hi.

The years before the drugs
before the smiles
the bright times
the easy nights
were dark

But I only knew darkness so
to me it was brighter than the sun

There were nights of red bull and vodkas
of googling obsessions
and losing my personality for a weekend
There were days and days of misery

my sobs
my screams
my nightmares
my tears
your tears


I would scream until the air in my lungs were gone
I would get down
I would run for hours
and I would feel my skin crawl

The years before the drugs I was cruel
a 13 year old girl with a razor sharp tounge
hell bent on expressing pain
any way possible

This experience isnt unique
but just because it isnt unique
doesn't mean I dont need to apologize
for the years before the drugs

I'm sorry.

"I met a boy who spoke like rain against windows."
Every syllable was the pitter patter of water on glass panes.

But the feeling he gave me was hurricanes on concrete.

"I met a boy who spoke like rain against windows."
The fluidity of the liquid would fill the crevices in my mind to the very tip and remind me that I was not alone.

You do not have to read the meniscus to look deeper into my being.

"I met a boy who spoke like rain against windows."
He formed his words and dragged them quietly across pavements, reminiscent of the deep tint of the clouds and the rumbling of thunder.

But when the sun came out,
I did not feel radiant
I felt alone.

Such a beautiful liar,
twisting words to invoke emotion.
Assemble the fire.
Set me ablaze.
Everything left to interpretation,
He is the epitome of manipulation.

your energy competes with mine,
a battle just to feel alive.
i know that i can't beat you,
so i only live to please you.
you cast away my sorrows
you numb all of my pain
they say i have everything to lose
but there is nothing for me to gain
you're my only support,
yet they say you tear me down.
i've been told to look forward,
but i like this view from the ground.
i seek you in the shadows,
constant struggle, endless fight.
and every time i find you,
they rush to turn on the light.
i smile at the thought of you
dancing in my veins,
my body is just a vessel,
you are my soul, my heart, my brains.
you let me be myself
though i don't know who that is.
i've lost track of who is using who--
but that is half the bliss.
i lean my head back,
let the world drip, and melt, and shatter.
i can't remember-- what is reality?
i suppose it doesn't matter.
you made me trust that you would join me
in the depths of my despair.
but lately it seems like you dragged me,
like i wasn't already there.