The path I am in
Is not what it is meant to be
The destination I rejoice about
Is not where I wanted to be

The fib I live
Is what suffocates me
Whenever I forget it
Either of you come to remind me

What you see me
Is just a fake me
A me stuck in morass
Sinking with the weight of a lie

I faked myself
Pushed myself in an illusion
I can’t live where I want to be
But got my life where I don’t want to be

With fake promises
Celebrating fake happiness
Pretending fake contentment
This is just a fake me.

The rush of her skin and the rhythm of her breathing endlessly played in my head, relentlessly reminding me of the nervousness but perfection of that first night. The thought of her smile and the sympathetic tone of her voice sweetly synchronized with each rise and fall of my chest above the exhausted breaths I had taken.
The smell of her skin on that first night and the beautiful memory of her warm touch against the complexity of my aliveness left me cold and broken inside. Tears fall, but yet it still lingers on.
I could never forget how the sweet touch of her kiss awakened my lungs to a breath of life again, and I never wish to forget the sound of her warm, soft voice with tears in her eyes telling my deadened heart to beat again..And I laugh at myself as the tears roll down, listening to the shattering sound of the breaking in my heart. Knowing that I'd lost the chance to ever have a heart like hers, to have such a headstrong soldier fight for a soul so broken like mine again had me weak in the heart and my veins grew colder with each simple thought of it. I couldn't muster up the strength to find a simple smile to cover up the mess that had been made here, for I had loved a love I couldn't let to of. Each night I fall sleep with her beautiful, taunting memory on my ever so restless mind and all that lies within it. I awaken in an empty, cold bed as the blackened tears stain my face. My body remained still as my weakened arm outstretched to the edge of the bed searching for the warmth of her skin and the smell of her cologne on the pillows and sheets..I awaken only to find myself alone beneath the blankets in which we once exchanged body heat and the smiles that had finally become real, wishing her absence had been just a terrible dream.

My heart violently turns at the thought of always missing her, and yet I still need her..it's as simple yet complicated as that.
I'm sweetly broken, oh but babe...she was worth it. There isn't a time that I recall where she hadn't been worth it.

Monday morning, I am hoping these unlucky days are coming to an end if not then I hope the fates will grant me a reprieve.  A little over a week until Christmas and I am not ready; I am not accustomed to waiting until the eleventh hour to start and finish shopping but unfortunately situations from the last two-weeks have dictated this plight.  So many things happening internally and externally, I am losing track of time and the opportunities for social engagement.  The emotional scars keep reopening, the drizzle of crimson nightmares providing the scent of allure to my demons; my fears and frustrations clanging upon the anvil in my head.  

The winter solstice is approaching; it will be night soon and the sun is frightened.

Through the bars I could make out your face
and I began pacing where I'd once lay
Chasing you endlessly in my dreams
No longer able to fall asleep
Out in the yard
I'd trail behind
As we walked the dirt paths carved out in time
and although I was trapped
I didn't mind
As long as I had you in my sight
I imagined us digging our way to freedom
The rain kissing our flesh like it does in film
I could envision us rejoicing and retreating together
Where we could forget the trails we've faced and weathered
It was a summer day in the midst of winter
It was hope found in hopelessness
We could entangle and enrapture eachother
Our tale a constellation told amongst other star gazers
We'd inspire them all to revolt
they'd sing our song while mapping everything out
You've made me believe our time here could be worth something
and a believer I was not

I look forward to her sweet love an affection
she is better than any drug I have done
she is the greatest natural high
I never want to come down
I fein for her 24/7 I suffer from withdrawals
I can never get enough of her
my family and friends don't understand
they call it an addiction I call it a love affair
she is the beautiful girl I dance in my dreams with
she is the special girl I share my secrets with
she is the intelligent girl that helps solve my problems and tame my inner demons