Envision this. You are older now, face wilted but still beautiful as it was fifty years ago. Your walking stick has become your lifetime apprentice and recollections flutter around in your head like the butterflies that once resided in your stomach. Most days you cannot remember what you like in your coffee or what you'll have for dinner. Some day's it is harder to breathe than most and on occasion you have to sit because standing becomes too much of a chore. You realize how true it is that you never do forget the people you loved when you were younger. You may not remember breakfast or yesterday's weather but you remember the fifty year old summer breeze and complaining about her hair in your face. "I wonder if she's happy," you say, and people mistake it for mindless rambling. "I hope she found what she was looking for."

I think it is time we drink the stars
Let them sink through the sheets of our skin like spilled white wine
Overflow our veins with their constellation language
Let their fluorescence course through our blood stream
Stain the walls of our bones with their light
I think it is time we drink the stars
I think it is time we meet them too

everytime you are around
my speech tends to slow
my eyes open a little wider
my mind takes a train ride
through a forest of immeasurable
possibilities
on how I could get you to realize
that I am still in love with you
and how I could make you
love me
like you once did

We are sitting in the same coffee shop I fell in love with him in, but it is different now. I look up and he is still looking at his hands. Eyes are on his callused palms, twiddling his thumbs and I still love him more than I ever have. He looks up with an innocence that only a child could have. I think of how he is thinking about her. I wonder if he even sees me or just the ghost of a girl he almost loved.
"You know this isn't easy for me. You know that," he mumbles, looking down again.
"Do you think this is easy for me? I have to sit here and watch you fall in love with someone else when all the while I am having to convince myself that eventually things will get better, people tell me that eventually things will get better. I can't tell you the amount of times you would have received a phone call but didn't because I knew you wouldn't answer. I don't know what you expect. This isn't easy for me either, this isn’t easy at all."
We sit in silence for a moment. I almost cry but I refuse to show any more weakness than I already have, he doesn't deserve to see me hurting. He wouldn’t understand. The silence falls heavy on the wooden floors. And after a few long seconds of it all he can manage is,
"I'm sorry."

He sits in the driver's seat, hands tearing apart his steering wheel cover at a red light near her house. He is on the way to meet with a friend who swears he can help get his mind off of her. He arrives at an old dock where they used to go fishing every Saturday morning. It was bliss and peaceful, it was so much easier. They stopped when he fell in love, he was so enveloped in her presence and everything that she was. He couldn’t stay away. He puts his truck in park and takes a deep breath.
"Hey buddy, long time -- no see, huh?"
"I know, I know," he says forcing a smile.
"Come on in, it's cold out."
The two go inside, drink a few beers and talk about old times. It was assumed that this was all it would be and it was all it needed to be. It was brothers by bond, friends who were there for each other, they taught them how to forget for a while, for the most part.
"How have you been holding up? I hate to ask but man, you've been gone. You're not yourself."
He sits looking down and after it all he knows there is no use in lying.
"There is one voice that keeps echoing in my ears ... there is one face that keeps coming in front of me every time ... she was the peace in my heart, she was the joy, the laughter, she was everything."
He smiles as he is reminded of her dancing in the kitchen. His fist tightens at the thought of her hands running up and down his back.
"I really loved her man. I loved her more than anything."
A rock sits in his throat and he is choking back tears he swore he would never let loose. He swore he was stronger than that, but love, it does things to you. It makes you do things you swore you would never do.

He looks up and his friend of years is waving his hand in front of his face.
"Hello," he laughs, " I asked how have you been holding up."
"Oh," he clears his throat, "I'm doing fine, I bounced back pretty quickly. I hardly think if it anymore. The past is the past right, cheers to us man. I got everything I need without her."
They clank beers and he swallows back every truth he was too afraid to say. Sometimes weakness is hiding. Sometimes strength is admitting you've hit your knees.

In the middle of June, we wake up to the light peering through the blinds, it's 10 am
I squint my eyes just enough to map out where you are
I remember I am wearing your white t-shirt and smile
You are already awake, lying there looking at me
"How long have you been up?" I ask
"Just a few minutes, not too long. How'd you sleep?"
"Wonderful, as always with you," I mumble the last part, "Breakfast?"
He smiles and sits up on his elbow, facing me
"I got it, you just make coffee. Deal?"
He gleams with a smile that could give a blind man sight and all I can manage is a nod.
He kisses my forehead and throws the sheets off his body
I sit there, gazing at him, trying not to fall more in love with him than I already am
I check my phone and my mother called, but I decide to call her later and succumb to following the trail of french toast coming from the kitchen
I hear him humming and walk towards the record player
Digging through out box of records, I choose our favorite, Work Song
I look over at him and his skin almost glows at the melody flowing through the walls
"French toast?"
"Problem?"
"None at all," I grin, "How do you want your coffee?"
He gives me a stern look as if I am serious
"I'm joking, two sugars, one and a half creams," I say kissing his cheek
The thing about love is it can be playful and sweet and reckless all at the same time. We have managed a perfect balance between them all. Love wears dark blue pajama pants. Love has burnt caramel hair and candlelight skin. Utmost of all, love makes the best french toast.

The truth is that no one will ever be able to truly understand you. You are a carefully sculpted stone, an exterior complex and individual to their personal thrashing and erosion. A painting entertained by change and chance. You are unlike any other, don’t you see? In the end there doesn’t have to be anyone who understands you. There just has to be someone who wants to.

It's the day you get to see him
an hour and a half to stare at him
hoping he doesn't catch you
yet still kind of hoping he does
because if he sees your eyes
maybe it will remind him of
the light that was once there
but isn't there anymore
and maybe
he'll wonder why

I do not remember how I fell into this
I only remember you being at the bottom
Of this hole

I think too many people try to fall in love
Everyone has made it to be a painful feeling
A feeling of incompleteness and constantly worrying if they love you just as much as you love them
My advice to you, don’t be afraid to fall in love
It is not so much painful, just risky
If you like living life close to the center, no edges, no chance of slipping or tripping over your own feet to tumble down into the unknown
Or would rather walk on the sidewalk than the street
I would suggest that you do be careful
Because love is tightropes
Love is knocking you over
But love is trusting that person to help you back up
Love is dangerous, or else it wouldn't be so fun
No one looks forward to doing rational things
The speed limit is over rated
I think love is no seat belts or headlights
Love is no safety net, love is never knowing is someone is actually going to catch you but trusting that they're paying enough attention to
Too many people today, try not to fall in love
My advice to you is, do not be afraid to fall in love
It is the greatest mistake you can ever make

Falling in love with you
Simply doesn’t make sense
There's no logic to it
There's no brilliant explanation
That makes everyone suddenly understand
Falling in love with you
Is a playful game
Toss you around and laugh
When your hair gets messed up
Whoever smiles more is the winner
And the prize is only more jokes
Falling in love with you
Is something not everyone will notice
Something you can point to
But you cannot actually see
Something that’s not concrete
But not abstract
Falling in love with you
Is a little frightening
It is a scary process for sure
But I asked for it
What I have discovered about myself
Is I've never asked for something
That I wasn’t at least just a little bit afraid of
Falling in love with you
Is an easy task but hard work
I cannot help but do it
But in the midst of the ease
It is taking a lot more energy
Than I had ever planned
And I do not mind
You are the match that lights my fire
You are the calm in the storm
You are the hope in my seemingly distraught life
And I do not plan on letting you go
I will tie you around my wrist like a precious balloon
I will handcuff you to me like a criminal
I will hold you like you are the only warm thing in a snow storm
I am falling in love with you
And I do not mind
Not one bit

Falling in love with you is so easy
I could do it in my sleep,
dreaming of different ways to hold your hand
imagining kisses sweeter than chocolate
Falling in love with you is so easy
I could do it backwards
I wouldn't need rear-view mirrors
it wouldn't matter what was is my blind spot
it would't matter if I hit anything
because this love is reckless
Falling in love with you is so easy
I do not even realize I am doing it
like going up an elevator,
pressing buttons and feeling the slight change in elevation
but never realizing how far you've come
until your look out the window
Falling in love with you is so easy
I feel as if it is the only thing
I have truly ever done completely correctly
and in the wrongest manner
You make my love grow like an infinite river
a never ending push and flow
of repetitive jokes and wanting to kiss you
but also knowing to hold back
because your lips would crack my sweet tooth in half
your taste would leave me breathless
I can not stop falling in love with you
no matter how hard my endeavors are
You make it so easy to fall in love with you
and I hope it is just as easy for you
to fall in love with someone like me

Falling in love knowing your heart is going to break is the best way to do it
Fall like a summer thunderstorm and don’t look back unless you're searching for flowers that will bloom in your wake
Wander into uncharted territory and let your guard down
Do not let the barb wire fence frighten you, reach out to touch it
Bleed red like the roses he will bring your mother in the winter
Let your thoughts wander over the precipice of the future, imagine him in it, imagine the both of you sharing an apartment
One with wood floors and white walls
Waking up next to him, his arms wrapped around you
Let the sound of his breathing resonate in the compounds of your mind
Remember this sound when you cannot produce it yourself
Your body will turn to face him and he will squint his eyes at the light reflecting off your skin from the window
He will sigh and say "good morning," in sluggish harmony with the most beautiful smile
The innocent kind where nothing could ever take away the grace, the way his cheeks slide up and he exhales with a laugh
Imagine that he is happy, still
He pulls you towards him and kisses your forehead
His body is warm like an eastern sunset in the middle of the summer
And in this moment you will smile in disbelief of how lucky you are
"Do you want coffee?" you will say, running your fingers through his tussled hair
He will nod, slightly, just enough for you to see it and though you don't want to, you will slide out of bed
Leaving the warmth, leaving him there with every intention to return
Falling in love knowing you heart is going to break is the best way to do it
And sometimes sliding out of bed will become parallel to sliding out the door
And leaving the one place that really felt like a home
You may intend to return, but when you do
You will discover that he has changed the locks

At the end of a wallpaper hallway you stand, bare and broken with a silver key in your hand
You can hardly believe that it has been this long since you have returned
So long that you haven't forgotten the very smell of this building
It used to be bitter, stained with take-out food and cigarettes
Now, however, you find yourself taking bigger breaths in efforts to reminisce
It's funny how some things that used to be so terrible, bring back the sweetest of memories
You think of walking downtown, the streets were littered and the sidewalks were cracked
But when he was with you, God, the sky could be falling and you would somehow still feel so safe
Now, however, you find yourself walking with your hands tucked into your chest
Never in your pockets for fear that you could not slip them out to defend yourself
Things have changed now, you see pictures of the person you love with someone else
It's a feeling that not even the most intricate of words could describe
For fear that the pages would actually bleed and it is hard to read in red now
You think of the roses that you picked up, bare stem, letting the thorns cut into your hands
You think of his hands, how holding them, everything was possible
There was something about him that made you believe in yourself
You had hope for what was ahead, no matter the obstacle, you had guidance
Now, however, you find yourself getting lost more often than usual
When you lose your sense of direction, you love everything
At the end of a wallpaper hallway you stand, bare and broken with a silver key in your hand
And you can hear her laughing from inside
You can hear him breathing

Her head bobs along to a song you can't hear and you wonder what she sings in the showers these days
She used to joke saying that singing wasn't her forte but you always loved the sound of her Sunday morning humming
You wonder who listens to her talk about the stars at night or who carries her home when she's drunk
She used to ramble on about her future and smile when she was upset
In her vulnerable times she put periods at the ends of her sentences
You wonder if anyone notices now the stress behind her proper grammar
She reminds you of the way the mountains change colors when the sun goes down, only lasting a few seconds and barely long enough to photograph
Her love did not last very long in one piece
It carried on when she left but you never knew about it, did you?
When she walked out it was like a tornado in your mind finally hit you and knocked you off your feet
The ground was a lot closer than you thought it was
Love will do that to you
Her hands grip her blue jeans and she keeps her head down when you pick here up, not so much a white horse just a white car
She is the poem everyone feels they should reread
And you have, you have read through her often
Memorized the lines like it was a monologue you had to preform
You wonder if she misses you
You wonder if she still listens to your favorite song
You wonder if she knows that you still listen to hers

The way the world sees a woman today
Is quiet strange to me
It is survival of the prettiest in the hallways
Death of them on the streets
Playing the first game we learned how to
Twirling our hair to the boy with the cigarette in his mouth
Because the bad ones were always more alluring
Wearing a short skirt in the city is like driving without a seatbelt
Girls are taught to survive by using our bodies as weapons
We convince boys to love us the only way we know how
Because what good are words when he can't see your mouth
We know the answers but do not raise our hands
Let someone else take the victory
Male kindness is so alien to us we assume it as a cat call every time
And after you have given your body away to countless boys,
each one taking a piece of you
That is when you will realize how badly you needed them to see the whole picture clearly
You will greet the mirror like a criminal in a line up
Do not think that this is your fault
Do not think that this is his
Strip your clothes, get into your shower and wash off his scent
Let it linger for only a moment but not for too long
Wipe your face, comb your hair and let all of the crippled reasons bleed out on why you should give yourself up again
Remind yourself of your value
And get dressed

I want to fill you up when you are empty
I want to be the shore that crashes over you
I do not think you know how much I love talking to you
Saying your name, my precise tone and articulation
Spoken as if my lips are dancing to no music
Your beauty punctured my soul
I yearn to be closer to you but the same time afraid
But then my heart taps on the shoulder of my mind
Saying 'what is there to fear when love goes down so smooth'
Is it wrong to want to be centered when we are so unbalanced
I am walking into this knowing that the tide will overtake me but continuing anyways
You are the sweet whisper that is selling the promise of love but never actually delivering
But I do not care about your faulty misconception to what a token of truth is really worth
Play with my emotions like a child who has just received a new toy at Christmas
I know soon you will get sick of me and crave something else but I am willing to be thrown away if it is your arms that I am leaving from
I know it sounds crazy but I have discovered that you cannot call something crazy unless you have something normal to compare it to

I too often find myself being sad
Feeling the weight of it sit on my shoulders
As the ground begs me to succumb to it
We are always allowed to joke about being lonely
But never taking a step further into it
Because no one wants to hear about your pain
There is no real interest in other people's desolation
Consigned to oblivion, treacherous waters
So tempting to go for a swim
Dancing in the rain until the flood waters drag me away
I have never felt such force pushed against me
Until I experienced you walking away from me
There is nothing more heart-wrenching
Than losing a love that never existed to them in the first place

I have forgotten all of the arms I have lain in
I do not fully remember the tastes of lips
Or the temperature of warmth some have offered me
I do not fully remember where the lines traced on my skin are
Or where they lead to
They are a road not traveled by many
I have forgotten the small love affairs between the coffee shop worker and the glimpse of a boy I once loved in my dream
I am forgetful of many past lovers
But never forgetful of you
I have memorized the geography you sketched on my back
I have been searching for your degree of heat, though I have not found one that can compare
Your taste lived faintly in my mouth
Digging under my tongue
I am not in love with you, only the way you can hold me up when I am broken into pieces that do not fit together
I have forgotten multitudes
But I regrettably cannot seem to erase you
From my mind

your embrace was so shelter-like that I felt
that if I were to fall, trip, stumble
I would remain in your arms
little did I know it was only the sweet beginning
of a lifetime of plunder
I'm sorry I trusted my body
inside of your hands
and let the bruises I've kept
tell the story of
a girl who was once innocent and unfamiliar with love
but is now picking up her mess
because she couldn't hold herself up

Peel of your skin
Open up your muscles
Crack open your bones to take a look inside
See the generations crawl backwards
Through the same mess
Abuse, dominance, fear
There are no new sorrows running in your veins
Your mother has felt it and so has your father
Stories and scrapbooks, old record players and blankets
They are passed down from parent to children
Tradition holds caskets full of antiques and poems for her children's children to read
To write them as well
In different bodies, new homes with younger skin patiently waiting to reveal their own lives
To their children

The day he breaks your heart, wait until you get home to cry
Wait until the early hours of the morning when you know you should already be asleep
Trying to dream about someone who is not him
You will want to leave the world because he is the one who showed it to you
The sky will crack with dawn and it will feel like it's been years since you have spoken to him when it has only been a day
Things have changed now
You are no longer his star guiding the way
He is walking away from you with another girl who is nothing like you
He has committed a ****** and he doesn't even know it
When the pain subsides while you're out with friends and you feel like you're over him cherish the moment
Do not let the thought of him kissing her take away from the joy in front of you
It will be the hardest thing to do
To let go of a love that has already gone
I have learned it is hard to push something away from you when it is holding on to your sleeve
He and you still talk daily
It is a knife to the heart but you are doing it to anyways, letting the agony rest on the collarbones
Inner wars rage against the thought of you not talking to him anymore
You know in your mind that by now you should be stronger than this
You are stronger than everything except yourself
Let the mirror break your integrity
Your palms are sweaty, shaking with the regret of letting him slip through your fingers
And he would swear you let him go because you wanted to do it
He would swear you were over him by now
But what he never understood was your miscommunication
You're an introvert by nature and sometimes you just need to be by yourself
Go get lost in the forest and swear you will come back
You will find your way back home somehow
But you never did
You saw footsteps out there that were his
You never thought that while you were gone
He would leave too
You should have known
You stupid stupid girl

Welcome to the desolate place of feelings and being a fragile, wounded, human who doesn't know any better to stay away from cupid but really when did arrows get so **** appealing?
I guess love has its way of fooling everyone somehow into thinking pain
Into thinking that feeling something will somehow revive the numbness of your chest
Where your heart once held a pulse, where you knew for sure if you were alive
I often wonder if maybe I am only a ghost who has forgotten where her grave is
You were my home and now I am an abandoned carcass of unsent letters and unwritten songs
And there's nowhere to begin to explain, nowhere to end this madness
Every place of solace has been swept away to trespassed territory,
Your haunting presence follows me everywhere
And I have come to the likely conclusion
That maybe you are the ghost
You are the phantom of a boy who once knew love beyond such uninhabited stories
A spirit who enchants my dreams with who you used to be
And maybe I am the one who is alive, just a little less conscious

You were the sudden thought and craving that had been running through my mind for weeks
And finally I became the ghost of a night that was supposed to happen with someone else
I was scared and frigid and you broke me like a number two pencil
You tore away just pieces of my innocence that felt like tearing down brick walls that were built for a reason
Why did I give in so easily
And now I think of you and wonder if I was more than a one night "pretend love"
I wonder if it meant maybe just a little more
Now you only look at me like a gift you wish came with a receipt
But now I think we have both learned that there are no refunds for regrets
You sewed a string of excuses why it was okay because you were just being a man
I gave you a little of what you wanted
And now I am trying to convince myself that I do not need it back

In life, we often decide things for ourselves
things that were never meant
for us to handle, something we can not reach
We make decisions based on what we think is best now
but in the long run
you have laid down glass for yourself
and your bare feet

You meant so much to me
I carried your spirit in my smile
I wanted to talk to you at all hours of the day
I looked at you like a flower in a vase
So carefully placed but I somehow misinterpreted
that you were put in a vase
because you had thorns behind that beautifully carved glass
You are unappreciative
You are selfish
I am only a mere grain of sand in your hour glass
This kind of love takes a lot more work than I had planned
I did everything to surprise you,
to make you happy when you were sad,
to calm you down when you were stressed out
I gave you pieces of me that I now realized I needed
I want those hours back
I feel like I wasted so much time
trying to be the one you wanted
But you are as hollow as the empty beer
bottles that litter the side of the highway
You care so little about being next to me
that even when you are
the wind resistance alone would rip you out of my arms
And now as I sit here
pondering every thought I've ever kept about you
and simply wondering if I ever really had a place
if I ever really matter to someone as egotistical as you

The green in his eyes are a radiant emerald. A green that pushed through snow reminding you that spring was coming. That churning, passionate green that ocean turns during a storm. A green resembling the color of the forest after it rains. A luminous layer of water lays over the leaves, giving them the exquisite form like the eye of the Wizard of Oz. A soft green like an old sweater that's been washed too many times. A piercing green that made you stop to look again after a glimpse, one that made you look twice because once could never satisfy. Sunlight plays inside of them, dancing with pools of pine. Your eyes lure in innocence and twist it into ivy vineyards. I cannot resist them, I never could.

I like to think of people as a greenhouse
We are only a short moment in history
We can be radiant and beautiful
We can diffuse bliss and contentment
We can show the world that there is more to it
Some of us are short-lived gardens
We forget to water ourselves
Forget that we need sunshine to live
We forget that most on our rainy days
When clouds swarm our four walls
And the light of day does not touch us like it used to
Our flowers droop, fall, and die
We are only plants that require attention
Living objects that some pick up and some only marvel at
We are unique and earmarked
We are not the same
But each of us are fascinating in our own way
Do not forget to take care of yourself
You have so much more to yourself
Than the desolation you feel

Guard your heart
Be careful who you love
We walk into infatuation like it is something playful and lovely
And at first it really is
But be careful on the second step
You will trust their hands
Fingers playing with one another as if the sweat between them will for some sort of prayer
For every finger that we let loosen, another knuckle grows back crooked
Do not hold his hand for too long
When water starts to gather in your palms, let go
Wipe them on your jeans, put your hands in your pockets
Be careful on the third step
They will show you how to swim and then throw you in the deep end
You will have no warning, nothing to catch you but the pool floor
They will smile at you from the top
Do not hold your breath
Let the air clear from your lungs
Vacancy was always something you were accustomed to
Sink to the bottom, memorize the feeling, the texture of the ground
When your lungs start to fill with water, swim to the top
Your hear will race but fall at the same time when you see him with someone else, do not let it take you
Do not let it take you
Guard your heart for the next time

I have learned about the world
And it's history, know where the landmarks are and the 7 wonders
I know that it holds beautiful, walking legends
People who want to change the way the system works
I think about their hands
Hands learn more than minds do
Hands learn how to hold other hands,
How to grip pencils, how to mold poetry
Hands are the maps and compasses on which we navigate our way through life, they are the guide, they are the ones who endure the working
Each callused palm, each cracked knuckle
Hold a story, one you may not think about as often as I do
Hands twitch and tremble
Hands pick you up
Hands praise
Hands catch you on your way down to fall
Hands clench in fists, hands open wide
Hands are learning more each day about their limits
Do no underestimate the power of a persons hands
Hands touch, hands break things, hands also glue them back together
I have learned about the world and it's history
And look forward to reading the hands of people who live in it
For that is the greatest learning experience of all

We tip toe on silent words
And I wonder if you hear me crying out to you
Underneath the casualty of our conversation
I do my best to always swallow back the words
That get stuck in my throat
I suppose there is a reason why they won’t come out
I think of you kissing her
Writing songs on her collarbones as you progress the anticipation
The way she blossoms under your rain
She was much more lenient with her lips than I was
I am sorry that this love continues to live under my breath
It is the one battle where my armor is too heavy to even lift off the ground
My arms have grown weak from pushing you away
I find myself now, trying to pull you in
But you aren’t there
And I wonder if maybe I were stronger
I wonder if you would be

He is a summer rain
A day you would rather be swimming
Out in the sun, soaking up rays into your vague veins
But you cannot control the weather
And you love it despite the inconvenience
He is snow in the winter
Beautiful and graceful
You smile when looking at it
But it takes a little more work than you planned
Shoveling the driveway, trouble starting your car
It is a hassle but one with a great view
He is you favorite television show
Funny, enjoyable at all times of the day
But sometimes leaves you hanging
Will come for a while and leave
And not return for a few days at a time
But when he does it is better than before
He is a jigsaw puzzle
Confusing and often stressful
But there is no better feeling of completing it
If you can, you try your best
He is love
Holy, sacred, untamable, fascinating in all lighting
Waking to rain, covering up in the cold
Turning up the volume
Putting the pieces together in the dark
He is everything I want
And everything I can't have

His name is elegance
He is the roses on your mother's kitchen table
He is the tie around your father's neck
He is the slow rise and fall of the sun
His name is laughter
He is your grandfather's old jokes that don't make sense
He is going over the railroad tracks too fast
He is late night conversations we never remember
His name is joy
He is the first bloom of spring
He is the fresh lemonade on a hot day
He is listening to your favorite record
He is a good afternoon nap
His name is love
He is kisses good morning and coffee on the balcony
He is holding my hand under the covers
He is lighting candles in the dark
He is a sweater fresh out the dryer
He is lying down after a long day
He is love
He is love
He is love

It is the sixteenth of November
I am clad in ripped black jeans and the same black t-shirt I've worn every day for two weeks
It's a Monday
I am weary, worn from the weekend
On the precipice of regaining my pride by sleeping for 3 days straight
I am so tired
Fatigue is now a new code embedded in my DNA
There are few things you can do with a body convinced it has no soul
I haven't felt this empty in years
Vacant and desolate, I am an abandoned house that no one has returned to yet
I am still waiting for a knock on the door
But he never comes
The wind outside blows harder now and I never venture outside without a jacket
But I frequently forget to wear shoes
There is something about running on cold concrete that makes you feel alive
And maybe I am too accustomed to getting the seasonal cold because I refuse to cover my toes
I refuse to let the things that offer me freedom be incarcerated
It's so cold out
Chills strike my arms like lightning bolts, I tremble at the thought of you holding her to make her warm
I hide behind my fabricated contentment
I would rather freeze to death in your arms than live beneath layers of blankets
You see there is a distinct difference between cotton material and a silk body
They say that when someone is freezing, your body heat is the only thing left to save them
And I fear that if I ever were to be perishing due to frigid temperatures
You could not bear to lay a finger on me
Only cover me up
And it is hard to appreciate an effort that is only buying time

He tastes of the city
Lights laying down skyscrapers on the tip of my tongue
Sidewalks tracing my skeleton body
My hands crept into his shaggy hair
Tracing mountains on the back of his neck
His hand ventures down my back
And I empty my breath into his lungs
He breathes me in as if he is running out of oxygen
It is a beautiful kind of survival tactic
That only the lovers and lustful know of
I have fallen into his hurricane eyes
Wrapped up in his arms of rope
I am tangled in his shoelaces as he steps onto a subway train
Stumbles over to a seat and puts in his headphones
I have learned you need to find someone whose favorite song
Complements yours
Someone who makes you a little less tired
As he steps off and lights a cigarette
His lips curl over the inhale of toxins
I sometimes wonder if I were deathly
Perhaps someone would be addicted to me
He walks down the street to a small bar
Where everyone knows his name
But they do not know him
He drinks and drinks
To the point where he cannot see straight, but he can make it home
He makes small talk with strangers
I collect the words he slurs and tuck them in my pockets for safe keeping
He slips the key into his door and I cower at the sound of it unlocking
He crawls in to bed just after stripping his jacket
Dawn is not so far away, he sleeps like an angel is guarding his door
The night changes, washes it's skin in the approaching sunlight
Picks off the stars from its shoulders like stickers
And in the morning he will call
But we are not love
We are not love
We are something
But not quite love
Not quite yet

Standing on a sidewalk edge looking out
And though there are cars passing
People are walking, street lights changing
Horns honking, birds flying over head
Telephones are ringing and children are singing along to the radio
The world around me is on a God's schedule
An abundance of things happening and any one of them could distract me yet
I still think of you
It does not matter where I am, it does not matter where I go
Your ominous presence is always there
My mind flutters with thousands of thoughts
Some of them, I admit, are not about you
But they still are are ones I want to tell you about
Your laugh has slipped into every cup of coffee
Your smile has tattooed itself into every night sky
I wonder if I will ever find someone who loved the sky as much as I do
I fear that no one will ever see such beauty in the stars
No one would lie outside with me until 3 am just looking at them
Do you remember being reckless?
How even though you knew you were running late to be home you would mumble sleepily,  "just a few more minutes"
These cars rushing past, in a hurry to get to a job interview, a meeting, a dinner, church service, hospital, shopping place,  a home
I wonder if this sidewalk knows that although I am walking slowly, pacing myself in each heel-toe, I wonder if this sidewalk knows
That I am not going to a job interview, or a meeting, or a dinner, church service, hospital, shopping place, I am going home
To you

I have tried to get out
Tried to ignore the tugging on my heart
Endeavored to live away this anguish
Attempted to take pictures of people in love
Without your face coming to mind
It's like everywhere I go
Everything is speaking your name
You wonder how someone who looks like
They carry mountains on their shoulders
Could crumble oh so easily
I look like I am okay
Play the game, smile and giggle
Let the world see only my highlight heel
Little do they know that I am the kind of girl
Who named the stars so I wouldn't feel so lonely
I am nothing of beauty or balance
I am walking turbulence trying to find her way back home

I used to believe in love
But I do not anymore
Because of you
I do not believe in love, at all

Hope is, by definition, a feeling of expectation and desire for something to happen, a feeling of trust**
Hope carries anchors on it's shoulders, afraid it will only meet the standard of almost
We all hope, but we do not all receive
Hope is the product of human weakness
We long that's why we aspire
Imagine how weak man is, we are not like birds that can fly when we want to go to places or we want to see people
We are frail and easily inflicted with illnesses
We are fragile bottles that easily break physically and emotionally, hence the development of the helmet and airbags
The study of human emotion called psychology and psychiatry
And worse, we die, that is why men searched for the fountain of youth to no avail
Hope helps us to move on and continue
Hope is a wish, hope is a motivator
Hope gives a reason to keep going
Hope is the whisper telling us that it will get better in time
But I ask, why do the hands of my clock have arthritis
Hope is not a liar
Hope is encouraging but hope is also deceiving
Hope is joker, a trickster
Like an amateur magician, everyone could see the trap door but me
Hope will disappoint you
Hope is not perfect, hope does not always work out like you think hope should
But hope is valuable, hope keeps balance
Hope carries the unable, the dreamers, the optimists
Hope is the guide
Without hope, we're lost
Without hope, we're nothing

I find myself being hesitant to writing poetry about you
I'm scared, you see, only a writer knows what it does to them
When you write something down it makes it more real
So me, writing a poem about you would ultimately give you the power to hurt me
I could never write about how I daydream of your fingers running their way through my hair
And precisely what it would feel like to kiss you good morning
I could never write about the storm in your eyes that makes me want to dance in the rain
Never about pressing my palms to the walls of your chest like you are answering all my prayers
Or about how you are the kind of boy that girls want to dance around kitchen's with
The one they want their mother's to meet, come to Christmas, birthday parties
How my heart beats so loudly when you are near it is hardly a miracle that it has not broken through the ribs which enclose it quite yet
No, not about your smile or how it could give sight to a blind man and especially not about how each time you enter the room ice races up my spine and suddenly I can hear myself breathing very distinctly, trying to match the rising and falling of your chest to mine
You know, it's lonely being me and I must think it is just as lonely being you
So kiss me like it's going out of style and let your hands dance on this canvas of a body
And I promise to never write a poem about you
Though you may explore the hills and valleys of my outside I will not give you the key to the inner workings of my mind and all that would take is one poem
One which I shall never write, how dare I fall in love
How dare I

She's young and confused
Her mind is hazy and her decision making
Has not yet matured
So she downs a bottle every night
Making herself numb
Never tapping out, just blacking out
Feeling that if she feels nothing
Maybe she will feel something
She loses her stability in drunken obscurity
She loves being drunk because
All of the guys are drawn to her
She feels like she fits in
Because if a boy seemingly likes you
In that state, then maybe that was the new cloud nine
They don't know she is confusing
This flirtatious intoxicated brush of the lips
She is confusing this with love
She loses herself like she always does
Because she's just waiting for someone to give it up to
The next morning has never been so cold
There is something about falling asleep to someone
But only waking up to a dent in your mattress
And she will never learn
That you will never find someone
While looking at a blurred picture
There is no clear answers
Only assumption
Do not search for your prince charming in a bar
Because it is too dark to see his face
And you are too drunk to realize the risk
You are about to take
And you think
It is only a kiss
But it never is
And it never will be

It's been two hours and we are still driving
The radio has repeated the same songs over and over
My seatbelt has grown too tight around my right collar bone
And my mind has fallen into my lap due to my eyes focusing too ******* the scratches in the window rather than what is behind them
I turn to you and ask,
"Are we almost there? I know I've asked you a billion times but I'm so hungry and my foot's asleep."
You look like an angel, draped in a white t-shirt, almost glowing
I cannot get enough of your aura and scent of burnt pine cones
You turn to me and lick you lips
"We're almost there, just be patient."
Your mouth forms a slight smile as you turn your head
And here I am melting in the passenger seat
I have never been so captivated by someone
I could watch him drive for hours and never get sick of it
As I'm looking out the window I see him smile out the corner of my eye as he glances at me
Oh there has never been a sweeter feeling
I can feel my body loosen and I feel as if I could slip right out of this seatbelt
I don’t think he knows what he does to me


It's been two ours and we are still driving
The radio has the repeated the same songs over and over
My seatbelt is cutting into my neck
And my hands are getting tired of holding this steering wheel
I feel as if they are numb and my left foot has drifted asleep
I see her turn to me and ask,
"Are we almost there? I know I've asked you a bullion times but I'm so hungry and my foots asleep."
God, she looks like an angel, her golden brown hair spilled down beside her face, framing it perfectly
She smells of vanilla and spearmint gum, I can't get enough of her
I turn to her and lick my lips
"We're almost there just be patient."
I smile because I just can't help it
The way she makes me feel is like nothing I've ever felt
Her whole being entices me
I could look at her for hours and still find new details that I love
I glace at her and smile, God, she's so beautiful
Oh there has never been a sweeter feeling
I can see her body relaxing as she lays her head back on the seat
I don’t think she knows what she does to me

We arrive at a beautiful bridge,
lit with candles and dressed in flower pedals
It doesn’t look like a very far walk and I wouldn’t mind if it was
Every second with him is one I cherish
I turn to him as he puts the truck in park and unbuckles
He's smiling out of control, I wish I knew what he was thinking
He wipes his hands on his pants and steps out
"Looks like we've finally made it you grump," he says to be playfully and still smiling
"Well it's about time," I say as I unbuckle and reach for the door handle without thinking
He looks at me with a stern look and says, "What are you doing? In all the years we've been together have you ever opened your own door?" God, has he always been this fascinating
I feel like I'm walking through my life with this immaculate creature
I mean how could he even still want me after 4 years?
He shuts his door and I can see him smiling as he walks around the front and to my door, swift movements as he runs his fingers through his hair, I swear I could watch him walk in circles around this old truck
He reaches for the door handle and holds out his hand to help me out
This is basically a routine thing that we've done since the beginning but every time is just as sweet as the first
He reaches in the back and grabs something
"Look away!" He demands, so I do
He has a picnic basket and has tucked something into his pocket
I think nothing of it and we head towards the night
The moon illuminating the walk way and the autumn leaves crackling beneath our feet as time begins to slow

We finally arrive, thank God the candles haven't gone out yet
This **** bridge was so risky but it's where we met
She probably doesn’t remember, but I do
It's not a very far walk to the end, though I wish it was
Walking with her is like walking with all the light in the world
I cherish every second, she makes me feel like life is worth living
I see her turn to me and I'm so nervous but somehow manage,
"Looks like we've finally made it you grump"
I can't stop smiling, but neither can she
That's a good sign right?
"Well it's about time," she says as she reaches for the door handle
"What are you doing? In all the years that we've been together have you ever opened your own door?"
God, I don’t think she's every looked so beautiful
She looks down, giggling as she places her hands in her lap
There's something about the way she laughs, it's so playful and light, it's like a song that gets stuck in my head
I don’t know how she still wants me
I swear walking around the front of this truck is the longest walk ever
I run my fingers through my hair just to tease her
I open the door and reach for her hand, I hope she doesn’t feel the sweat layering them, I don't think I can bear to tell her why
I reach into the back of the truck and shout
"Look away!" and thank God she actually does
I shove the box into my pocket and grip the picnic basket
I hope she doesn’t have any ideas, not yet at least
We head towards the night
The stars in the sky lit the way, they looked almost like a map
The leaves crackling beneath us sound like fireworks
The ones she's always loved
We continue walking and I can almost feel time begin to slow

He was so quiet and I could tell he was nervous
I kept walking and I could feel the sweat gathering on his hand
I clench it tighter
The scene, however, was breathtaking
A long wooden bridge with white paint peeling and wrinkling of old age, intimately lit with candles dancing in a light breeze
The sun was falling in the west
And so was I, more and more each day for this man
It amazing what he does to me
The water beneath us, singing as it rippled within itself
I listened to the hum of each footstep of ours, almost in sync
I turn to him,
"Are you okay? You're being really quiet."
"I'm fine, just a little anxious, that’s all."
We are coming to the end of the bridge and I see a table
Draped in a thin, dark blue table cloth with two lawn chairs
There's orchids in the center, my favorite flower
What I love about orchids are the petals themselves are so exquisite but their stems have to be held up by little clips, they are beautiful but they cannot stand on their own, like a lot of other beautiful things
I look back up at him as he slips his hand out of mind, wipes it on his pants and pulls out my chair smiling like a child on Christmas morning
I look at him in that moment as a strand of hair falls over his forehead
I can see the color and shape of my perfect life
The house, the children, the arguments over the curtains are all fading away with that one smile of his

I was so nervous, I literally cannot bring myself to talking
I mean, the things I would usually jump to have already been discussed
The weather, how her day was, how beautiful she looks
Well, I wouldn’t mind telling her that again
The bridge creaks with each footstep of ours as if it is imploring for our bodies to sink into the water beneath it
The trees were swaying just enough for the leaves to rustle with each other but lightly enough for me to still hear the sound of her breathing
The sun was falling in the west, I gazed at it
An alluring sunset burning up the atmosphere
Speaking of burning, my hands are sweating so much
I would tell her how sorry I was but I think she already knows
The sound of her voice startles me a little but I play it off... I think
"Are you okay? You're being really quiet"
****, I am being really quiet
"I'm fine just anxious, that’s all"
We are coming to the end of the bridge and everything is just how I hoped it would be, the table from my dad's shop, the dark blue table cloth from Sears, the orchids in the center, her favorite flower
I slip my hand out of hers which was a lot harder than I expected it to be, I just don’t want to stop touching her
I wipe them on my pants nonchalantly and pull out her chair
Honestly, I've stopped trying to not smile
I can't help myself, it's amazing what she does to me
I kept looking at her and wondering how lucky I could be to have found someone who reminds me of sunlight even on the rainiest of days
I swear in a world of black and white, she would still have color

When life throws you in the water
Do not be frightened by the storm
Remember you know how to swim
Remember that getting the wind
Knocked out of you
Is sometimes the only way for your lungs to realize
That they like the taste of air

One. Realize your heart has been broken
Take responsibility for the ***** inside of you
And how it's job of pumping blood into your lungs has gotten harder
It's okay to forget how to breathe as long as you're learning new things
Two. Learn new things
Pick up a book and read it to the very end
When you don’t feel like going to class, go anyways
Do not let the fatigue and agony keep you from gaining other important things
Three. Get very drunk
I know we are supposed to worry about getting stronger
But no one starts at the top of the ladder
Waiting in line is the world's most popular past time
Get sloppy and wild, let your inner goddess guide your heavily intoxicated nature
Forget their name right before you forget your own
Let someone else relinquish their fingerprints all over your frame
Cover up the old paint with new wallpaper
It's okay to remember all the things you once never thought to consider
Four. Write.
Write and then write some more
And even if all of it sounds the same do not fret
Because sometimes there are only so many ways to describe being defeated
Having the fire within you go out to its core
Let the smoke coming from your throat gain purpose by putting it on paper
Five. Make blueprints.
You cannot build something from scratch without planning ahead
You will probably not remember much of your life before them
So start a new, rebuild old friendships, revive old hobbies
The possibilities are endless with a blank sheet of paper
Accept your new reality without resentment.
Six. Start anew.
Fall out of love with them
With every gentle touch mimicking a lullaby putting you to sleep in their arms
Forget the laugh that filled every molecule of oxygen you ever breathed
Forget the weight of passion
Kiss as many people as you need to get the stamp of their lips off your brain
Seven. There is no way to manage heart break
It is consuming and clingy
It locks you up inside of its prison and you swear this will be a life sentence but don't let it
Heartbreak is not about trying to convince yourself that you don't miss it
It's about limiting the amount of things you would do to get it back
On some days you swear you would jump off of a building
And on others you wouldn't even take off your nail polish
It's not that this is supposed to be easy, it is only testing your endurance
Realize that you are in prison
And learn how to pick the lock

We all walk around
Like we have so long
Until we reach the end of our lives
Fooling ourselves each morning
"You are not going to die today, you
have a long while before that happens"
So we go about our days
Living as if we have so much longer
Too afraid to tell the truth
We waste each day if we do not live
As if we are dying
Because we are.

They told me I was humble
Showing a modest or low estimate of my own importance
Having a tendency to decrease my dignity under others
They were telling the truth
My stature of one not as a boulder but a pebble
I am smaller to others, crushed underneath
They tell me it is a good thing
To place others above myself so I do not conquer them
Pushing them up even if I am falling
Unprivileged behind those who need love more than I do
It is selfish to not be humble
They tell me that I am
I wonder if that means I am weak
Or if that means I am strong

I am afraid to love someone else
With the fear of them kissing me
And realizing my lips are the remnants
Of the last boy who loved me
Fear he will never be sure if my closed eye hunger
Was real or from practice
Fear that he will be scared
Of the no trespass sign on my body
I am afraid to love someone else
Because I still love you endlessly

I am falling in love with you
And I am not sure if I should
Apologize or thank you for that
I am falling in love with you
You are teaching me something new
How to have hope
Hoping that the whole thing makes sense
Even though none of the pieces do
Hoping that we get the order right
I am falling in love with you
And this is not any ordinary love
Forget the shallow stuff, this is the deepest kind of love
The stay up late kind of love
The love that has never made life's lemons taste sweeter
I look at this love and marvel how anything could be wonderful
This love it small
But it is growing
Today we are a match
And we will one day grow to be a forest fire
I am igniting my mind with thoughts of you
This love holds every vacant space in my brain
I am falling in love with you
I hope you are falling in love with me too