In life I have come across a pattern
When your mind is feeling free
And the rusted chains that once bonded your heart have fallen
When the last candle is lit and your eyes are adjusting to the light
They will appear, slow and unexpected
Their name will creep up it will seem like an innocent accident
They will not even think of your disposition when they call
I know that I should be over him but mind has found itself falling underneath matter, I am feeling backwards
I am convincing myself that I am still okay, I am not
Let the words of me being happy for him burn up my throat as they fall out of my mouth, I try not to stutter
The gasoline pools underneath my tongue and I manage a smile
I know that this is for the better
A friend of mine told me, "He had to move on sometime"
He did, and I am glad he did
Because I know what it feels like to wait on someone
And I would hate for him to endure such an agonizing thing

I am here today
I am alive and breathing
a man somewhere in a hospital bed has a machine
breathing for him
I am here today
with clothes on my back
while a child is using news papers as blankets
I am here today with the ability to eat and drink at my leisure
while a child in west africa tries to remember what it feels like
to have food touch their taste buds
what clean water might taste like
I am here today
with education
while a teenager is sent to war reluctantly
because education came after victory
I am here today
and I could die any second
and so could all of us
So I urge that you do not take your life for granted
If you are sad and lonely
and feel as if no one cares for you at all, I do
If you are angry and mislead by everything
it's going to be alright
If you love someone, tell them
If you have negative people in your life
get rid of them, today
I am here today
and I am only promised that much
for tomorrow is only hours away
but I do not know
if I will get there or not

I am learning how to love you
You're like a foreign language and I'm just learning to say hello
I am trying to pronounce you if I can
I am learning how to love you
Day by day
It comes naturally almost
Like I have loved you for years without knowing it
Like I have been unconsciously looking for you on every street corner
Every bus station, red light, checkout line, and hallway
You reign in the shadows of missing love, crippled love
I feel I am learning how to love you like I am learning to walk
You have kissed parts of me that have been lost for years
Parts of me that I have forgotten about, that I had given up on
There are so many ways to love and then there is only one and you are all of them
I am learning how to love you
Like lyrics to my new favorite song
I cannot wait to sing you in the car, play you on a rainy day
I am learning how to love you
Better than I ever loved
Because you deserve at least that
You are exquisite. You are art.
You have eyes like forests and lips like hurricanes
You deserve the world
So I am learning to love you
Slowly, in a way you will understand
So be patient, be gentle, I'm doing the best I can

I think maybe I can give myself time
Teach myself to love you and only you
Learn the ways of isolation, confine myself to you
Maybe one day I will be able to do it without trying first
I often confuse love with loneliness
Give myself away just because I am tired of holding myself up
If only I could dig myself out of holes as easily as I dig myself into them
Digging my own grave just because it is something to do
I am trying to love you but love takes a little more work than I'd planned
I am not sure if time will be enough
Because time can't save anybody, it only adds wrinkles to your face and fatigues your body, you are only getting older
Maybe the hands on the clock are better off broken
Because imagination suddenly becomes matter and I am here standing in front of you trying to love you, and I do, so much, but not quite enough as I need to
And for that I am sorry

I hate you for looking away every time I look at you
As if seeing my face brought enough guilt to turn your head
Your neck was never stronger than your mind
I know that I am not as beautiful as she is but you can at least treat me like I am still a person
I am still a person
Despite my hallow chest that has been swallowed by the authority I have given to men who seemed trustworthy enough
My heart is a stone, it is hard and dry, desperate for recovery
I cannot handle such pain on a daily basis
I hope that you do not look at me anymore
Because it is only adding hope to my absolute oblivion
I hate you for looking away every time I look at you
Do not look at me at all
If you are only doing to drift your head to another disposition once I recognize it
And decide to look back

There comes a point in everyone's life
When their body is heavy, weighed down from love
They have just discovered what it is like to sleep alone again
And how it is one of the hardest things to remember how to do
At this time people say, "Get back out there and you will find someone to make you forget all about them," or
"There are plenty fish in the sea, so cast out your line."
These words are very encouraging but they are not what I want to hear
I do not want to throw myself at people and try to convince them I am good enough for them to love
I am staying patient in this purgatory, I am enduring lack of oxygen
Learning to breath underwater, learning new things
I am doing things now I would never have done without the heartache
When I say I am waiting for love, I mean I am waiting for myself to stop wanting it
I think it is beautiful, something we live to discover
But I have been spending too much time looking for it
I want a love more than clandestine love letter and sharing umbrellas in the rain
A love not just made up of syllables or words that sound nice
I want someone who I can talk with about the shade of a cloud or how I feel when I step in freshly cut grass or how when I got home I looked down at my hands and saw theirs
Our kisses would be impossible slow
So to my future lover
I am waiting to write you down in cursive ink
I am waiting for you to hand me the pen

I can not decide if I regret you or not
You have taught me what it feels like to really laugh
and to really cry
You have taught me to question people who doubt me but also to question myself
I can not decide if I regret you or not
Because you are so sweet but you've given me cavities
but I consider if maybe it is better to have sweetness that went bad rather than no sweetness at all
I can not decide if I regret you or not
but when I see her name on your phone
next to mine
I wonder which one you regret
out of the two

Carefully disposing of things that do not hold close to me in winter weather
Slipping like ice through fingertips
Too cold to remain in one place
I am sorry that you cannot hold a grip on me
And that I tend to fall out of your hands more than I probably should
This is not an easy battle for any of us
In every war, both sides will always experience downfalls
There is never a triumph without there first being a failure
I do not remember how I started this
I do not remember the day my heart clenched on to yours at all
And I'm sorry that my heart is uncertain of its disposition around you now
My mind is drifting from the shore like a child lost at sea and I am trusting it's going to be alright sooner or later
Hoping that God doesn't disappoint me
I am not sure of most things to be completely honest
And to be blunt, I am not sure of you at all
And frankly that is all I am sure off
And for that I am sorry
Ice was never meant to be warm
Ice has always been cold
And always will be

like falling into a pool of ice
the sudden shock is overwhelming
the sharp needle like stinging
constantly getting tighter
closing tight like locked jaw
clenched fist, gripping air
you are my winter water
you make me go so still
I almost don't exist
*I almost do not even exist

I crave the attention of a lover
Someone who will cherish my existence
Someone who will notice when I haven't replied
Someone who will miss me after I've just left
I crave the attention of a lover
who looks at me like the prized piece at a museum,
one that is guarded off
I crave the attention of a lover
who will break boundaries just to get to me
Someone who will burn holes in my skin with his fingers
Someone who will set off dynamite with his kiss
Someone who will love me to the very depths of the sea to the point where fish do not even dare to swim because of the surface pressure
I crave the attention of a lover
A lover who looks a lot like you

I dreamed that you would answer when I called
We would talk for hours like we used to
You would insist we meet in person
I would agree without hesitation
I dreamed that you would open when I knocked
Wouldn't even check to see who it was
You knew that it was me, you did not care to see me through glass
The door would swing wide and we would embrace
Lips locking, I dreamed they would, they never did
I dreamed that you would give when I asked
You wouldn't even have to look
You knew exactly where you placed it
You knew you were soon going to give it away
But love was always a hard thing to find
And lips were so much farther than they seemed
I could feel your breath touch my mouth and so could you mine
A phone call often goes to voicemail when someone doesn’t want to pick up, when someone is busy, when someone doesn’t want to talk
I dreamed that this would be a lot easier
I am still dreaming, sometimes about you
But most of the time, about us

There are ways to forget
There are ways to get better
There will be a tornado in your throat as you try to unlearn the definition of love and you will have to choke down all the things he said to you with alcohol you shouldn't be having so much of
You are dizzy from intoxication and you think of his kaleidoscope eyes and fall to your knees
In humble abandonment of your old self, you are vacant of any comfort you may have once knew
You are looking for new ways to escape this horror of reality
You stop showering because the water feels too much like his hands running through your hair
Open the windows, he would have wanted them closed
Smash the television, break the radio, drown out all the sound because he can't sleep without noise
And you can't sleep without him but it is better to lay there with silence hanging in the air rather than accidentally hearing a song that the both of you once loved, waking you in a cold sweat like an addict itching for a drug
And sometimes when I get drunk I say that I hate you
That I wish my mind had never laced itself into yours
That I hope your next morning will be one that is cold and idle
And I'm sorry that I do these things
Because alcohol is an intoxicating ingredient being poured into my blood stream and these words that smell of liquor are one's that I do not always mean
I find myself filling with immoral substances to resist going to sleep
I cannot bear going to sleep now because each night at approximately 3 am
I wake up in a frenzy from a dream I was having about the old you
Panicked, terrorized, I feel I am under attack by the soldiers of my own mind
Maybe it is because I know I will never capture you, with each relentless passing second, you will never be the you I once knew and loved
Because when things were good, they were great
However, you must always pay close attention to how they treat you when things are bad
Whether it's "I love you but you're such a fool" or a door slammed on your fingers
There is always an option though
To continue loving you, chasing pavements, limping towards a dying light
Or to leave with some decency and a change of clean clothes
You see, I've learned that there is always a hospital bed, the question is whether or not I want to rot in it
And with you, I feel on top of the world, a mind game
Because I know I am actually on the bottom
There is something you do to me, as if you place glasses over my eyes
Making me believe that maybe this is not as bad as it seems
That being without you is somehow bearable as long as your face is implanted into my skull
There is no real way to describe the staggering appetite for his touch
I am starving for such warmth that never goes cold
A drinking water that never runs dry
He could refresh my cracking heart valves if only he were to come back
But he won't
He would watch me *******, crumble, disintegrate away
Deteriorate, degenerate, decay to ash
Corrode, decompose, shrivel up, pollute this hole I am locked inside of
He does not care for my safety, he does not care for my life
If he did, he would have come home already

If I were to describe you
I would write for days
Write until my hand goes numb
Write until my lead runs out
Write until the paper I wrote on had covered every blank space
I could write books about you
and how I felt for you
and how I wished you knew
and how I wished I could muster up the courage to tell you all of the things that I refused to let out of the bottle
You are a the red light that I always end up running
You are the punchline to my favorite joke
You are the chorus to my favorite song
You are light that wakes me up every morning
But you are also the thick darkness that puts me to sleep
Waking up to damp pillows and cold coffee
Too cold to get out of bed
Too scared to face the truth that you really have forgotten me
A broken pencil and a trash can full of ripped pages
I woke up every morning asking myself the same question
Hoping for the same answer yet knowing that it was all just a lie
You have taught me to lie to myself and believe it
I look at you and my knees go weak
Your eyes drown my entire being in a warm sea of blue and green waves that never fail to crash in the exact same place
Your lips carry me away so peacefully and swift that I forget where I am, that forget to stop staring, that I forget that we don't even don't even speak to each other anymore
If I were to describe you
I don't know exactly what metaphors I would use
And I'm not sure I would ever be okay with you reading it
But of everything I have learned from being around you
whether I am with you or not
I know that every word I write
is never the right one
Every word I write
is **wrong

If I were to write you a letter
the first thing I would do is let you know of all of your flaws
Every single one
Next I would tell you how much I loved them
If I were to write you a letter
I would retell the stories you once told me and
recall each moment where I thought I'd loved you
If I were to write you letter
I would write in pen so that nothing could be erased
each mistake was left alone, as it was, kind of like me
Throwing around 26 letters in certain ways to express my perception
How on our first date, I wish I'd held your hand
How we never bluntly explained our feeling, somehow we just knew
How every time I saw you, I could easily, without second thought
just run up to you, interlock our bodies together for a few seconds
and ask how you were, or how your day was
Now I can't anymore...
The fact that I can't even speak to you anymore,
that's what kills me the most

Every day I sit in the place where I fell in love with you and hope you will wander in
Because you know that is where you will find me
In the corner of a coffee shop a few miles from your house
The music playing overhead somehow echoes the sound of our laughter and whispers
Distractions overwhelming, tickling feeling, abrupt jolt of excitement
Love was rushing through my veins like a river after a thunderstorm trying to find a larger body of water to dispose to, I had been searching for you in every alley way, every vacant corner, wall flower wanderer
My mind trails off to the thought of your smile and leaves me curious as to why it did not blind me
It did just the opposite
You helped me to see the best parts of myself that I once despised
Helped me love myself, helped me believe in myself
You were so **** good at making me believe everything you said
But I don’t believe you now
I won't believe you when you tell me that you don’t love me anymore
How can I be forced to believe something I was so sure of
I knew you wouldn't love me forever but I thought you would love me longer than that
And now, every day I sit in the place where I fell in love with you and hope you'll wander in
Because you know that is where you will find me
If you were ever looking

I had a dream
that your love for me was deemed authentic
it was suddenly real and possible
I watched your affection for her fade like a summer sunset
when the day was feeling too long
We yearned for stars but were only fed clouds
I had a dream
that my feet did not trip over themselves at the sound of her name
because it was followed by the sound of mine
leaping up above it
I had a dream
that your hands opened up, fingers intertwining with mine
letting not even the evening breeze separate this immaculate fantasy
I had a dream
that you held me like the hemming in a backyard hammock
the crackling of a forest fires romance
the peak of midnight hit my body
like a hammer hitting a nail
with no intention to hit it again
I know that this was only a dream
because reality was standing in my doorway this morning
looking me in the face
I had a dream that you loved me
But I woke up knowing that you stilled loved her

I dreamed that you didn’t hold back
We were standing in a restaurant bathroom
Dim lighting, black walls, tile floors
You were wearing a blue button down shirt
Your hair was tousled and you had bags under your eyes
You were tired of waiting on me
I let my arm around you, stood on the tips of my toes
I remember saying your name, water falling you with compliments
Overwhelming your insecurities, telling them how I love them
Despite what they have learned to believe about themselves
I do not remember all that I said, however, I do remember the ending
I whispered, "Landon," taking a breath, following it with
"You are so sweet and so bitter, you are bitter sweet. You are sweet because…" midsentence I was interrupted by your lips
I did not see this coming, I never would have had it not been a dream
It was so real it was like I could feel my comforter being ripped off of my body
I was pushed against the wall
Wrapped my hands around your neck
Ran my fingers through your hair
You set me on the bathroom counter top
And kissed my neck like you used to
Teasing in a different light, it was not the same feeling
It was rough and I was scared
Because I woke up thinking about
How you might have done something similar to this
With her

I hate love and how it is so deceiving
It lures you in with a promise that this will be just like the movies
Giving us an image in our minds
This will be something so sweet
But instead it just cuts the roof of your mouth
And leaves a bitter aftertaste on your tongue

I have found myself discovering new hobbies to release the things inside of my head
Drawing, painting, writing, playing music
Anything to let these thoughts escape without me having to say them out loud
I wonder how many times people have used a pen or paintbrush because they can't pull the trigger either
You have drained the life out of me and then called it romance
And it was beautiful despite the desolation I am in now
So I am using the left over scraps from my body to create new homes
And though they are only models, I am learning to love the girl you left behind nonetheless
I know that one day I won't have to fight to be alright
Let these callused hands find rest in mapping their way out on paper
Making new exits out of these woods that your shoes have never touched
I will bleed and blister in cutting these things down
But I have learned that in order to make a new way
You have to go through the trouble of doing so
So I will draw these trees, paint them, write about them
And sing with their inhabitants
With hopes that this love song might somehow travel to you
I just hope you'll be listening

I like the sound his love makes
The way he calls me baby like he's singing a song
The kind my mother would listen to when I was younger
Something sweet that makes your heart smile
The way he kisses me, the way he breathes me in
And when he laughs I think maybe I have witnessed my first miracle
I know in my life I have seen very beautiful things
This world provides the most captivating scenery
Mountains, valleys, beaches, rain forests but I have never seen such green eyes
I wonder how two people can be so much in love
Sunrise to sunset I love him
We love like we invented loving, we love and we never stop
Because why would we want to when being in love just sounds so good

One.
If I could, I would wash my body in the endless sunrays of your morning language with curtains wide open and coffee brewing
I would sing rhythms of fire breathing unrequited love poems and stain your bedsheets with untouched melodies I should never had wrote for you in the first place
I would have the ghost of my former self dance bare feet in your kitchen to songs you have never listened to
If I could, I would pick myself up and take myself to the hospital, attach myself to the nearest IV and drug myself up until I forget how in love I am with someone as spiteful as you
Two.
It's almost funny to me how you can lie to someone about how you hate liars and then you can lie and pretend you still hate liars because you don’t think that I know that you're lying
Three.
You don't have to let me down easy
In fact, I want you to skull drag these words on asphalt streets, rip them apart and throw them at me at the speed of a bullet
Let this declaration be a war cry
Do not tell me it might happen sometime down the road
Because neither of us can see what is going to happen so instead of giving me hope why don't you just ******* tell me that I am not what you want
That you could do better, that you are out of my league
And you are but I have always believed that in relation to how many lucky pennies I have picked up, I would spend them all on you
Four.
If I could, I would break all my bones to have them mold into the structure you would most like them to be in
I would get a lobotomy, wipe my mind clean and start fresh, build a beautiful minded girl that you might be able to love
One with sunflowers growing on the layers of her frontal lobe, one with ripped wave ocean tyrants of searing joy tattooed to her skull, someone who can make you laugh, someone who's laugh you adored
Five.
I'm sorry I let my hands tie ropes to your heart strings, I am telling you to stop pulling me along when really I am the only one who is still holding on
It is easy to be confused in love because I have found that we convince ourselves something is true simply because we want it to be
Six.
It once was wonderful, I felt like you looked at me as more than another catcall, girl's number you got while you were working and I often wonder what would happen if I never strolled into your workplace, if I never looked in your direction, if I hated Mexican food, if I lived too far away
Maybe if I stapled the receipt to my shoulder and walked backwards we could unmeet each other, and I will have the bittersweet opportunity to miss out on this heartache you have unknowingly caused
Seven.
I am not trying to make you love me because you cannot force someone to feel something when there is no vacancy inside of their chest or even when they is but they like the empty spaces
I have cut off pieces of myself and tried to hand them to you and it was hard to understand why you wouldn't want them
Some people do not appreciate sacrifice or maybe they do not care much for such insanity
And I know, I know it makes no sense put valuable things into hands that shake, that tremble, that quiver
Hands that often break things without feeling remorse, we willingly let go and expect them to catch up when they cannot even catch up to their own minds
It is a dangerous game that we all love to play
You are a the red light that I always end up running
And I know the risk of calamity, the risk of consequences
Eight.
Sometimes I like to talk about you like you're the one that got away, sort of like you're on a trip somewhere and you're coming back
And maybe you are, and maybe I am making all of this up in my mind like a child convinces himself that there are no monsters under their bed or a wife who tries to convince herself that he isn't cheating
It is a dangerous game, we all know it is
So, I'll be around if you want someone to be dangerous with

I look forward to being in love with you
I look forward to kissing your sunlit skin
To laying on your shoulder as we ride in the car
To holding your hand when mine gets cold,
When yours gets cold
I look forward to going out on the town
and showing you off to the street people
Unfamiliar faces who will never truly grasp the beautiful being that I believe you are
I look forward to smiling at you
When you are not looking
When you are too busy driving or looking at something on your phone or simply stuck in a day dream
I look forward to different times of day with you
To coffee in the morning and music at night
To watching the pink and orange in a sunset glow and linger, to watching the sun creep up in the east
I look forward to this peace
I look forward to being in love with you

You will come home to me in the late afternoon
I will have gotten home from work just a few hours before you
Enough time to get comfortable and start our dinner
You swing open the front door and shut it softly behind you
Taking off your coat and hanging it up
You set down your bag and I hear your footsteps nearing the kitchen
You greet me with a smile and a kiss and I ask you how your day was
We talk about your boss's new rules and how you may be getting a Christmas bonus
I tell you about how the internet went down today so I got to come home early and miss traffic
As the food approaches it's time of readiness, you go upstairs to change
I grab two soda's out of the fridge and set them down
You stumble down stairs and we both laugh because I am usually the clumsy one
Fixing our plates you kiss my shoulders and we sit down to eat
After discussing the plans for Thanksgiving and who's house were going to first, I put away the dishes and start to clean up
You make your way in to help out so we can go shower and go to bed
After we finish, you kiss my neck and set me onto the kitchen counter
My heart races and I am amazed by how you can still light up this room I am in, start a campfire in my stomach, ignite my bones with your skin on mine, dig holes the caverns of my collarbones
You will come home to me in the late afternoon
And we will both be weary eyes but we will both be happy
I do not know who you are yet, but I am looking forward to meeting you

I love everything that you do not love about yourself

It's hard not to love you
And I know it should be easier now that your gone
But in truth it has only gotten harder
It's like you have knowingly trained me to miss you
And all this hot weather has got me wanting to take a swim in your eyes
Craving the affection I never really received
I imagine that I know what your lips taste like
It's like watching someone eat something you are allergic to
And you have never had it yourself, but you imagine it's wonderful
Loving you was the easiest thing I ever did,
Even when it was hard it was easy
Loving you was like breathing
I am watching you fall in love with her and
I am watching her fall in love with you
And while I am watching you fall in love with each other
All people can do is ask me if I am okay
This world is no place for people with hearts
Not when we give them away so easily
And yet knew this and still loved you
I loved you anyways

I loved you like a child loves Christmas
Craving the attention
Looking forward to the unknown prizes
Hoping to get exactly what they wished for
The not knowing
Is the best part
I loved you like a bee loves honey
Working hard to get the best
To bring the best home
Looking through each part of you
Discovering new sweetness
I loved you like a little girl loves makeup
Discovering new colors
Painting the beautiful on
Experimenting with the shades of your eyes
I loved you like you were the only thing beautiful in the world
I treasured your company
I took pictures because there were pieces of you
I never wanted to forget about
I looked at you longer than friends should
I stared with a compassion that storytellers use
Passing down their generation with metaphors
I loved you with my whole self
and I remain whole in your arms
Do not break me

As time goes on I am starting to learn how everyone has someone they love but just can't be with
It is the sad reality of stumbling blocks ruining what could have been, the imagined perception expectation of the future that we let ourselves believed we deserved to live
I often imagine meeting you at the record store in another life and it working out the way it was always supposed to and you've been holding my heart for centuries and though here, we may be foolish and alone but this is just one time dimension where maybe things are difficult but I will see you in the approaching vigor, in the dim light of a motel room near the city, a place where things are better, a place where we are better and I will kiss you like a poet trying to rewrite the language of love on your lips and you will touch me like your hands are praying to the religion beneath my skin and we will burn with love beyond what any movie or book describes
But here, I cannot love you and you cannot love me. Here and now we are poison to one another, a disease not worth catching if it can be avoided, our bodies were never strong enough for our love, we didn't want it anymore, we got too busy, too stressed out
You wasted my time but that’s okay I wasted yours right back, we were never in love but oh God we could've been, you know, as time goes on I am starting to learn how everyone has someone they love but just can't be with and regrettably, you are my someone

Too many times we forget that it's possible to be happy

Some would say that the light is more important than the lantern
The poem is more important than the notebook
The kiss is more important than the lips
But love is not more important than the person whom it comes from
If you loved me, over anyone else, it would be all I need
I wouldn't need love from the sun or the flowers
It wouldn't matter how green the grass was or if the lights were on all of the time or if the glass was half empty or half full
If your love was something I possessed, than I would be okay
All the time, I would be okay

You are the evident piece of love that everyone wants
like the slice of cake with the most icing on it
You are the sweet candy that everyone craves
and the one you wish most to get on Halloween
You are the favorite book, the best seller, the one with words that you have to look up because you are not easily deciphered
Your voice, so delicate yet firm, reverberates in my skull
like a hymn in an empty church
You are the painting in my hallway that people have to ask about because, though it is beautiful,
they feel the edging desire to know what it is
The truth is that I don’t know how to describe you
Words will never be enough
I could write until my hand cramps and refuses to move the pen in rhythmic swirls to form letters and still it would never be enough
And for that I am sorry

It's not that I hate you because I truly do not
And it's not that I want you to move far away because I don't think I do
And maybe it's not that I want you to never smile again
Because everyone deserves to see sunlight indoors sometimes
I just want you to stop coming around
But then again I wish you were closer
I am so indecisive with what I want from you
I want you to go away but I'll still crave you all the time
And I want you to come back but what if you leave
Loving you is walking on a tightrope with no safety net below me
And every few seconds you wonder what would happen
would anyone catch me
if i just slipped up
and fell

I promised myself I wouldn't write about him
But he taste like the city
Hot running bathwater in some apartment across town and the quiet hum of traffic
The steam rising from a coffee cup on a tall kitchen table
Or how the rain kisses the skin of this concrete castle sidewalk
I promised myself I wouldn't write about him
But he feels like coming home
Walking through the front door stimulated by the smell of cinnamon and burnt coffee
As if the last memory of comfort greets you at the door, welcomes you inside to stay for a while
He is the antidote to any and every poison in my life
I promised myself I wouldn’t write about him
But you just don't get it, he is so beautiful that he makes the trees blush
People say it is autumn because they had to call it something
I only meant to love him for a minute but you can't love for only a minute because there is not time in love, there is only eternity, there is only forever when it is really love
He has showed me a love that has made me forget the taste of fear
And here I am, now, wondering
How many beautiful things have we ruined by deciding to write about them
I promised myself I wouldn’t write about him because no way of description could quite measure up
I need new metaphors and paradigms, maybe a whole new language
He's too much for what I am able to say
That’s why I promised myself I wouldn't write about him
I just can't help myself

I never thought I would fall in love with you
You are the unobtainable, best friend
You are captain friend zone (or you were)
You are sweet candy that will rot my teeth
You are sneaking out my window at night with the understanding that I've already been caught
You are risking it anyways
I never thought I would fall in love with you
Because you are so annoying
But oddly enough, I crave you
I crave you in the mornings when I wake up to a cold room
I crave you at night when my mind refuses to sleep because thoughts of you are like caffeine
You have the audacity to be beautiful even when everything around you is not
I never thought I would fall in love with you
But I think I did anyways

There is infatuation and reality
Infatuation is knowing he loves you more than anything
Maybe baseball or his mom but you, you know his love is strong
Infatuation is a short lived love that exists while they are still perfect to you, that exists while you think that he has no flaws
And you love the little ones that you see
Infatuation is flying, soaring through clouds, feeling them brush the back of your hands, kissing your body with empathy
And then there is reality
Reality is realizing that he is like the rest
Never holding him to a standard to be different
Because he is only a boy
And boys will do what boys will do
They will look and flirt and crave and push
He is only a boy
You have to realize that he is not perfect
He has more flaws than the pimple on his chin or his crazy ex-girlfriend
Think about him
Realize that reality is knowing who he is
Not who you want him to be
Your mind is creative with love and this will be hard for you
But realize, please realize, that he is not different
He is only a boy
But that does not mean he cannot love you
He can love you with everything he has
Love you with all of his whiskey breath and cologne sprayed for any pretty girl that is drawn to it from across the party
He can love you like plants love fresh air
His love can grow, spread like roots digging themselves deeper
Reaching for a place to call home
He may love you, but love is not perfect
Love has its faults and failures
It is sometimes messy and will leave empty promises in the palms of your hands, do not hold on to them
You will want to grip them tight, squeeze until the broken pieces mend back together crooked
Reality is realizing you cannot fly unless you are in an airplane
There is no such thing as superman
This is reality
This is not your fantasy
And I know that is hard to hear
But know that even though love is strong, lust will sometimes win
It is not an even playing field
It never was

I want to light you like a cigarette
Burn the back of my throat
Scratch your way to my lungs
Tear them apart
I want to breathe you in
Breath after breath
Take it away and replace it with smoke
Dance in the haze
Kiss my teeth, leave stains as a signature
Declaring your presence
Burn my lips when you finish
Poison my body with this cancer
Watch the horizon flow up
And I press this cigarette bud down
Do not forget to leave the lighter with me
So I can ignite this fantasy, once more

Pain is river inside my bones
The art of unrequited love is it paints with dry brushes
Cracking the valleys and bones of your canvas body
Careless in acting of one thing but being another
Cupid is ******* irresponsible
I'd swallow poison if it tasted like you
Most of the time I'm scared to death
But I'm quite a fool for love
Curled in a ball sipping wine about you
Staining my lips that yours have yet to touch
I talk to trees about you
How I wish our love would grow like vines
Intertwine our bones, reach up
Do not leave the sky so soon
My tears are all over this city
In every coffee shop, vacant parking lot, public restroom
I drown out these desert concrete streets with your name on my tongue
You're exactly the madness I need
But I am fire breathing, I will not tell you what I am feeling for fear of burning you
******* my words with stutters and cheeks so red you mistake them for roses
I know that you don't love me
And that I am frequently a bother to your active lifestyle
I am sorry for being the way that I am in ways that you do not favor
I would meet with every voodoo, black magic, magician, wizard, witch, sorcerer
If they could mold me into someone you would want
It's pathetic I know, that I would tear off parts of me that I earned and once loved because some love is stronger than other and triumphs if it means it will be returned for it is the greatest beauty in this world
Where one does not question actions, dig deeper into conversation, body language
It is something I have not yet experienced and I had hoped it would be you to make the change
This is the sound of a mind coming undone, the twisting feeling of a migraine mixed with a bullet and you grandfathers old bottle of whiskey
I do not take this lightly, and I need you more than I need another cigarette
This is not a love poem
I am not trying to make you love me, I am not trying to tell you that I do
I would hate for you to have to bare knowing that you are the reason someone's soul is breaking
Would hate for you to feel guilty if feeling was to be possible for you
I hate you for making me feel so barren, deserted, hollow
I feel if I trip over one more misguided assumption I will fracture the whole structure of my body
I am a ribcage with no sharp corners to trigger your concern
I never imagined love would be so painful
As a child, I would paint pictures on the walls of my bedroom with stick figure lovers and hearts booming from their embrace, holy and sacred, untouched with the truths of reality
I know that when we are young we are naïve
And I am still young and I am still naïve
I will believe you even if I know that I shouldn’t, I will not mark boundaries because it would make me want to cross them
I cannot see how far I've come
Cannot see the surface, cannot see the sky
I feel I am being swallowed and you are taking flight
Tell me how the weather is, I hope it is wonderful
And I hope that you, in search of someone better, will find them
And that you will fall so far in love you wonder if the surface is now only a conspiracy theory
You are so deep in romance that mediocrity is unspeakable
I hope she loved you better than I did
Because, though it is hard for me to say this out loud, I didn't give you my best when I had the chance
So maybe she is smarter than me, maybe she will give you what you've deserved this whole time

Today
multiple times
people brought your name up
in casual conversation
tossing it around lightly
not realizing that they were handing me bricks
each time they joked and nudged my shoulder
one brick added
each time their lips curved upward in a smile because of my odd disposition
two bricks
each time I looked down trying to avoid the multiplying of baggage
bricks
they carry your name in their minds sitting next to mine
they see my love for you as little or insufficient quantity
just a crush, no big deal, she'll get over it
Today
multiple times
people brought up your name
and I just looked down, looked away, looked anywhere else
because all I have ever known
was to look away in the name of you

I am in this world as a stranger
I do not speak it's language
It is all gibberish to my ears and this world simply does not understand my look of curiosity, it does not understand my silence
I have been trying to learn how to speak with its tongue
However I find myself only tying knots inside of my mouth
I want to be a part of this soil
Want to dig my roots into it, I want to taste rain
I feel as if I am a seed that no one wants to put in the ground
For fear of bitter fruit sprouting from it
They say, that when you get hit, to turn the other cheek
The people who tell you this are not implying that they were hit again, nowadays people only turn their cheeks to look the other way
My mother told me, "you must never begin your story with the weather"
I never imagined this would be hard to do until I found myself sleeping outside
My life is only a story of bad timing
Coincidence that I was here or there
Bad luck they say, that's all it is
I am trying to believe this but how can I trust something that I have never touched, never held, never experienced
They will tell you their story of how it was all turned around
And still I sit there, trying to decipher these words
I simply cannot speak this language
This language of joy and peace
It seems that it is a sunny day in everyone's garden except for mine
Sometimes, I think of destroying my greenhouse
This body I once saw as a temple now only a cult gathering place, they mock the every thing I was built for
The irony of it is more enticing than the end of the story
No one is going to miss these battle grounds
They have moved on from what was there before
It seems as if they are already making new blue prints for a new building where I once stood
I do not even deserve a memorial
I have been trying to learn this language
But each word gets stuck in my throat
I have forgotten how to articulate correctly
I swear that I'm trying
I just cannot manage to abandon my own skin
I promise that one day I might look like you
I will paint over every curve and edge of my body
Re-floor, re-decorate, I will change
If only that means you won’t look at me
Like I am an intruder

I often find myself wondering
If you have forgotten about me yet
If I am a closed history textbook after the year has ended
If I am the chapter in the book you skip over now because you know only useless information is provided
I wonder if you look at your watch and think back on the times we used to share
Wonder if you recall the late night phone calls
Wonder if you remember the sound of me weeping
I wonder if you ever think about how my lips would have tasted if only you'd ever gotten a sample of them
I wonder if the girl after me could satisfy you in a way you knew I never would
Your secrets are not sitting in the corner, they are in the light, I know how it feels to want to be filled up when you are so empty, I wonder if she did that for you
I wonder if you're happy that I am gone
I wonder if you wonder about me
About my happiness
I often find myself wondering the most however,
What you will do next
With someone else

I try to write about you all of the time
I try my best to decipher each feeling
to recover the memories and reignite dead flames
I try to make it all better again my spilling
the colors of my mind on paper
but each time I try
my hand cramps
my mind hits a wall
I am blocked
and to this day I am not sure what stops me
but I promise myself and you
that I will write about you one day
and every locked up emotion
will explode
I will use 26 letters
to express millions of memories
and thousands of thoughts
I promise I will write about you
and I hope you'll read it

I remember getting on the plane, remember packing my bags, leaving behind picture frames and old love letters, I remember closing the door behind me as he lay in the next room
I remember the distinct sound of the hinges hitting metal, seatbelt buckle clicking
The sound of my heels hitting the steps, walking upstairs to a new home
Thousands of miles away from him, I remember leaving
I remember sitting in a bar room, dimly lit with blue lights
I remember ordering my first drink and then my second and then my third
I do not remember ordering my fourth or my fifth
My bank account does however, the always brutal morning reminder when I didn’t have enough money to buy a black coffee
Lost love, I have found, will steal a lot of things from you
Comes in the night, creeping in, the thief of all thieves
Comes in the day time, and still with the light shining on his face, you are unaware
I remember the weeks that follow, sluggish and stagnant
By week four I had forgotten about the sound of hinges, seatbelts, zipping up suitcases
I have visited the same bar quite almost every night
I have started to collect memories of my fourth drink and my fifth
As my memory grew stronger in other places it weakened in important ones
I do not remember his taste, do not remember the color of his eyes
Green or blue, not brown not green not blue, maybe green, maybe blue
I do not remember breakfast, or lunch, dinner under blue lights
I remember the knocking on wood, my old green door vibrating
I had not known anyone in the city for so long that they would come to visit me
I remember standing, remember grabbing a jacket, remember the sound of a zipping it up
I remember the door swinging open
There he was, standing, very cold, pale, eyes a deep greenish blue
I remember getting on the plane
"I came to Boston to find you."
I remember packing my bags
"I knew you'd be here, you talked about it so much."
I remember closing the door behind me as he
"I'm sorry it took me so long."
I remember walking up stairs
I remember the blue lights
I remember standing very still, frozen in place like an ice sculpture
I invited him inside, I made him fresh coffee
I remember this
I remember this

I saw him today
He looked just as he did months ago
He hair was all in his face instead of slicked back
His shirt was tucked in and he was wearing a belt
He looked like his old self again
The one who I knew, really knew
I understood his brief sigh, could wrap my mind around his gentle smile
Could wake up to his breathing
I had never loved someone in such a way where it consumed me
He was delicate, fragile, but could stand in his two feet with no effort
And I loved when he was drunk, stumbling into my arms
It was the only time I ever really held him if only for a fleeting moment
I wish I had never known him before the change
It would be easier for my lungs to collect air
If I hadn't tasted his secrets, hadn't washed my hands in his laughter
If I hadn't met the boy who cared so much for the world
He never faltered in his genuine approach, never had to even try to be a light
He just was
I know that in this drought I will have to move on from him
But it is hard to walk away from something you once found such solace in
He was a thunderstorm
Could put me to sleep in troubled times, the sound of his rain
But the echo of his thunder was enough to wake the dead
The destruction he left behind him was merely a walk through an empty hallway
He had no idea what he had done to me and still I think he is oblivious
I do not want to tell him
Do not want him to feel pain or remorse for a girl he swore he'd love forever
I've learned it is easy to believe the things you want to hear
I was deaf to every motive that was not to my liking
I should have seen it coming from the moment he said he was just too busy
Hectic schedules are likely dry seasons and the sand of our hourglass had run out
Time had slipped off of my fingers like rain drops off the window of a car speeding down the highway
Flying by but moving ever so slowly
Evaporating had never seemed so malicious and
I saw him today
He looked just as he did months ago
He hair was all in his face instead of slicked back
His shirt was tucked in and he was wearing a belt
He looked like his old self again
The one who I knew, really knew
But I don't know him anymore
And he
Does not know me either

I return home in a gaze
And I think back on
The way he holds the steering wheel
Arm stretched out like a bridge reaching for direction
I think back on
The way he turned and looked at me
In effort to explore the decaying garden in my head
My body was aching to touch his
My mind knew better to keep my head down
I think back on
His smile that lit up the dark insides of the car
I know that it has been said time and time again
But man, if only you could see his
It would change your whole perspective on what light truly looks like
I think back on
The road in front of us
The sound of the engine humming in my ears
The distant melody of his breathing
I know that this sounds insane
But sometimes going insane is the best way to love
I think back on
His eyes, like a car crash
I know I should look away by I cannot bring myself to do so
I wonder if you see disaster in me as well
My heart beat turns pouring rain in my chest
I never did appreciate looking into them everyday
Now your eyes are a precious sight, an infrequent gift
I will try not to take them for granted
I think back on
Us, you and I, together
I am not as capable as I once was when I had you
I find myself aching for the sunlight in your arms
My love for you now is like an apartment I cannot afford
A love that will take you down
There is not a day that goes by where I do not question myself in the name of you
I swear if we love again, I will love you right
Though that is deemed on the brink of impossible
I will never lose hope
Real love never truly does

I thought I was over you
Thought I let your name go out the window
Watched it disappear in the rearview mirror clouded with dust
But I've learned that when love leaves it does not always she the shotgun door on its way out
I have been trying to tell myself that the door was closed
By refusing to look at it
I haven't quite figured out how to love you  out of paper yet
Only because words spoken out loud can easily be mistaken as lies
My voice is like a volcanic box of chatter
I'm equivalent to spontaneous combustion
Spilling words onto this paper like smooth run cold conversations and blocks of ice in slow motion
I wonder if I miss you only because I cannot have you anymore
You have filled something in me that is still full even though you are gone
I know that this is ludicrous to feel all this after one day of seeing you
But there is something that triggers in my ribcage
With face to face contact
I am sorry for letting my love for you spill onto the floor
It never belonged there
I thought I was over you, I really did
But frankly, I am not

It is Sunday morning
The light leaking from the curtains lands on my eyelids
Upon just waking up I feel I am being blinded so I turn over
Warm breath kisses the tip of my nose and I see you lying there next to me completely at peace with in your gentle unconsciousness
I pull my hand from under the covers and glide my fingers down your cheekbone
You smirk and open your eyes
I have never wanted to go swimming in the mornings but when I look in your eyes the desire swallows me whole
Their shades blue green drowning my words
I know exactly what love is when you look at me
And there's something about the way you kiss so lazily in the mornings
Like last night's dream is spilling out of your mouth
You whisper to me good morning and my stomach takes flight with butterfly wings tickling my insides
Because your voice sounds a lot like a love song
Once, I could not think of love without thinking of a plane crash
Trained myself to keep distance from romance
When a friend would introduce me to a boy I learned resist making a memory of his cologne
Because sometimes you don't see, the best thing that has ever happened to you is sitting right there under your nose
There will be hell to pay for the way we love
Disjoining ever love story resting in antique ambience
We kiss with our mouths open
We have kept it complicated
We have kept it impossible
It's that hushed conversation that happens when you love someone and it's reckless, when you watch them life up their shirt and die
I want you unfolded
I want to untie you
I want to touch you like pen to paper
I want to brush the knots out of your hair
And work the knots out of your back
I am interested in the way you take your coffee, what makes you laugh, what makes your pupils dilate, what keeps you going on
Love is not just made up of syllables or words that sound nice
Love is more than clandestine love letters and sharing umbrellas in the rain
Love is Sunday mornings waking up next to you
Love is the feeling of your lips curving into a smile when they are on my skin
Love can heal your asymmetry, it can piece you back together
It is Sunday morning
And I am in love as I'd always hoped I'd be

I'm a fool for falling for this
I'm a fool for thinking something so simple
Something so lazy and undeliberate
Could actually mean something
It was just a drunk kiss
Nothing special, nothing close to the proximity of feeling
A numbing passion, dull and mute
Forgetting it all because what's there to remember?
Nothing but misinterpreted shots and beers
Failing to recognize all of the flashing signs
I knew better but I couldn’t help myself
I've learned that life will toss you around
And then laugh when your hair gets messed up
Nobody cares for honesty after they show you what you want, nothing matters when looking at a perfect frame
Then you end up slipping in the exact moment you stop paying attention to the direction you're heading
After this there is nothing much you can do but crave the freedom you once tasted
Now, you cannot even begin to remember the sweetness
Only the bitter taste of you still in my mouth
And no matter the amount of alcohol I swallow
The burn of your tongue lingers eternally

It's easy to think that you miss me
It takes no effort to imagine you and I together
Acting as if we never went separate ways
Acting as if the sun never set the night you held my hand
Acting as if our love aligned at a perfect intersection
It's so simple to look back and pretend that it was all real to both of us
To play pretend and you being the boy who actually cared and me being the girl who actually didn't
All just scenes of a premature play that never made it to Broadway
We were just too cliche I guess
A story that everyone's already heard
And maybe this is what you wanted
For us to be put away, collecting dust and remembering only the fragments of our so called "love"
We look like a broken mirror, a cracked sidewalk
So jagged and sharp yet I am addicted
Addicted to the burn, addicted to the pain
Because I figured that if I didn't feel anything
It would be as if it never happened
The agony proves **it was real

I want a bookshelf
And an intimately lit living room
And as my husband and I clean the kitchen after all of those who have gathered to share fellowship have left, as we are cleaning the mess
He will stop me and we will dance in the light coming in from the room next to us
We will sway back and forth and listen to the music that isn't playing
Because we never needed an audible reason for us to be this close
As we finish off the kitchen, we will move to the living room
Folding blankets, turning off the tv, and grabbing a book
We will sit down and read
Enter our own little word's of literature while still holding hands
Pulling them all together into one fantasy
One of us will look at the clock and realize how late it is
We will mark our page and you will tell me I am beautiful
As we walk to our bedroom and turn off the hallway light
I will look up and smile at you
Because there is no greater feeling than sharing love with another person
We will crawl into bed and you will whisper into my ear that you love me
and I will say it back
and I will mean it
Because I do love you
I may not know you yet, but until we meet
I will be collecting books to place on our bookshelf
I hope you are doing the same

I want a love that
Light up the night sky and puts
All of the constellations to shame
I want a love that
Does not falter when we fall
Though love sometimes hurts
There is nothing that can break this
I want a love that
Endures every hard time
That walks through battle grounds
Hand in hand
Conquering it all together
I want a love that
Dances on my lips
Sings on my skin
Traces maps on my back
Discovering new beauties
On each other
I want a love that
Grows
Stretches, flows
Like a spring stream
Racing each other
But keeping steady pace
I was a love that
Glows
Fireflies envy this sparkle
The one in your eyes
The one in our kiss
I want a love that
Makes me want to stay in bed with you
That carries me up the stairs
That spins me around, stumbling in the refrigerator light
That helps me do the dishes
That wakes me up each morning
I want a love that
Has you in it
I want a love that
You want too

I want to be a poem
Drawn out using long words and comas
Penciled before penned in case you write me wrong
Find a spark in me and write about it
Write down all the words and phrases that come to your mind when I cross it
Think about what you want to achieve
Will I be one for the books or just another in your leather notebook filled with other girls names
Let the creativity flow like a river after it has been drowned in the rain, pushing the excess water it can no longer hold
Use concrete imagery and vivid descriptions
Paint all of the abstract concepts like you are painting your favorite piece of artwork in black and white
Use poetic devises to enhance the beauty in meaning
Add a sharp turn at the end
Leave the reader hanging
Read over me, memorize every punctuation
Bring me to life and read me out loud
Bring rhythm to my every syllable and make me a song
Edit my body if it does not suit you
Make any changes that you see fit
If I do not rhyme, do not fret
Even blank verse poetry can be beautiful
I believe all poetry is a work of art
I want you to see me in a frame
Why else did you think I asked you to write me down?