i know two girls shouldn't
but
we held hands
when i walked ahead of you
in a crowded room
as i pulled my gaze away from you
you squeezed my hand and
i believed we could be possible
for a moment

i worked so hard
just to be an 'almost' version of you.
i strive to be as wholesome,
but i can't fix something so broken.
i strive to be as lovely,
but i am filled to the brim with hatred.
you're everything i desire,
and everything i loathe about myself.

and i hate you but
alcohol impairs judgement
now i cannot lie

i was far too old
to ask my mother for an embrace,
to be cradled in her arms,
as she moves a strand of hair from my face.

i was far too young
to know how to love someone older,
the thought of commitment scares me,
i cannot fathom the promise of forever.

Self wanted loneliness is peaceful and a bliss,
But, loneliness gifted to you hurts deeply.
12/10/2019

perhaps, i was just like the little prince,
romanticizing a person i never even knew.

"spend all the sunsets with me," i convince.
"spend it with me before we're due."

the truth of the matter is,
in the little planet where she resides,
i cannot simply convince somebody,
to make room for me inside.

though, perhaps,
i was also too young to know how to love her.