Since our lives were complicated
By outside reason
Our house has been loud with voices
We pulled the bits out of our mouths
And now we will never put them back
And our house has never been quiet
And our house has never been neat
A scream has always followed a scream
Like the roll of waves and the sea is never still
But for the first time in years
I sit alone on the swept floor
Of a silent room
And the cold winter wind rushes through our house
Through windows flung open to let in more breathable air
But it makes me think only of my warm spot halfway up the stairs
That I was too afraid to go to when I heard the cold coming
Now a scream echoes without a scream
And my heat is lost to a room
With nothing to hold it

it’s crazy how I’m waiting again
just can’t get my head around it
i’m no longer anxiously chewing my lip
no more nauseating  summer saults in my stomach
i no longer kid myself that i won’t answer your call
i am resigned to my faith
pathetic girl so silly so needy
i am defeated just sadly tired accepting that i’m waiting again
routinely checking my phone.

At first it was bare and ripe for the picking -
my chest was pulsating under your weight you
stripped my heart like an exotic dancer would:
all eyes and no hands.

After the initial grasp, the puff puff pass and the
smiles exchanged between our legsarmslimbs and the
time it took to be rid of the excess skin crowding us in,
we breathed in sweet, sweet fumes of spring and said
things kept in our mouths, light like ecstasy but
heavier than the average promise.

But the hours it took to argue the hunger away made our
heads ache and eventually our jaws could clench no longer,
our eyes could see no more of each other - just smoke and
******* clouding our way - it was lost,
whatever it was, it

was lost.

You are a dove in my hand
And I will let you fly out
If you promise to come back
You are a kite in my hand
I will lend you rope
To rise higher only if you vow
To whisper prayers to the wind
And let a feather flutter to me
And tug the string for assurance

You are the reason girl
For those sleepless nights
So where ever you are promise
To take care for my sake
And know you are the seasons
The summer and winter in my life

These hands will fight for you
Give life to your dreams
You build in soft panting sighs
This mouth will keep moist
The memories of our most ****** kisses
And will stand for you on Judgment Day

As long as you love me
Nothing can really separate us
I will hear your sighs miles away
As long as you want me
We can be together in dreams
Just close your eyes tight and I come
I know you are a dove in my hand
And I will let you fly if you promise
To whisper prayers to the wind.

-dougwa-

It's a shame you'll never get to see
all the amazing things you said I could be.
I know you're watching from above,
Though you're gone I still feel your love.
You left a hole that no one could hope to fill,
even with time I know nobody ever will.
When I thought I wasn't good enough
you looked at me and called my bluff.
Because you loved me I am strong,
you believed that I could do no wrong.
You taught me how to stand up tall,
even through the times when I felt so small.
I will not say goodbye, for this isn't the end.
I know that one day I will see you again.

These four walls are closing in,
quickly becoming my only friend.
I want so badly to call them foe,
but they’re the only sanctuary that I know.
Outside these walls I am free,
to writhe in such eloquent agony.

These four walls leave something to be desired,
their meticulous blandness has left me quite tired.
Emotional or physical, which pain is worse?
I suffer both in this place to which I am cursed.
Do I have a choice and which would I choose?
Rational thinking has completely lost its use.
It seems I am forced so suffer both blows
amidst these walls where all time slows.

These four walls have crushed me whole,
they seem to demand my once pure soul.
Encased in pain, my heart has fallen hard,
I suffer in silence, playing my cheerful card.
I have foolish notions of what I could be,
if all these searing wounds didn’t plague me.
I don’t want to be sad, don’t mean to sound bleak,
but I’ve rarely felt a time when I wasn’t weak.


Out of these four walls I will move on,
though the memories will never be gone.
I’ll pick up the pieces and continue down this path,
I wish I could say that I knew I wouldn't be back.
Back between these four walls where I’m forced to heal
from the treacherous fate that my DNA has sealed.

I get high to get by.
It's the only way I see,
to ease the pain that's slowly
growing inside of me.
My friends can't stand the change,
they give me misguided looks,
they seem to look at me
like my face is full of hooks.
I hate to see them judge me,
but they don't really know,
I've found a path to happiness,
but it seems so false and slow.
They think I'm like a stoner,
smoking myself to space,
but really, I'm a loner,
looking for an embrace.

The only place I feel safe,
is tucked inside his arms.
I feel like a helpless waif,
so in need of his charms.
Cuz my parents bring me down,
and I'm unsure of my friends,
could anyone accept me,
without going through a cleanse?
Cuz I'm done with faking happy,
for everyone else's sake,
this little slice of happy
is for me, only, to take.

I don't know how to tell you,
that it's so hard to get by,
and if there's one thing that I've realized,
it's that I only smile when I'm high.