you know the first time
that you go home after
you've finally cut
the 20-something year old
cord, and you
sit at the dinner table like
always, in the same seat
you've sat in since you
left your high chair, and
dad's made turkey enchiladas,
and you're reaching for
the hot sauce, and then
just as he grabs it to hand
it to you, you notice it first
in the age spots, and then
you follow it to the white
in his beard, and then it's
all written in his deep set eyes,
and his crows feet, and his
cheek bones that seem to
stick out more than ever
and you can't seem to
peel your eyes away
from the man you've known
since birth, even though
you could paint his
face with your eyes closed,
or at least his face the
way you still see it when
you have your
eyes closed

dad, when did you get old?

I soak you up
As If I could save you for later.
I know I won’t see you tomorrow,
And you look so handsome today.
The scruff on your neck
Leading the way down your unbuttoned chest
Your eyes all sparked up
From the brief spurts of sun
They all turn to stare out the steamed glass
But I remain fixated on those candle lit globes
You gaze out from behind them with utmost politeness
All white and glistening from withheld information
You smile as if it proved everything you feel
I ready myself for you, wishing for even just a whisper
But you only spit out those cliché fixes
So I make my way around again
I have number the last few visits we will have
And all I need is an answer, specifically, a yes.

It doesn't matter there’s no air
And my hair is matted to my neck, a blonde mane beside my face
Because I catch you, don’t I? And you pass by a few times
I like where you find me when I’m unaware, in my wild uncensored state
You’ll have no idea how I seek you out
Because tonight I tell you no, and I take the throne
The beer in your hand and your knit sweater
Make you look like something older
With a sort of sleepy drunken smile, happy like a baby
My finger loved the stubble on your messy cheek
Within our effortless, accidental embrace
My body one among millions and yet somehow
Illuminated like nobody else’s
Everyone is asking now, because I’ve become quite the show.
A rush of newfound power and I’m immediately corrupted
Before, I was just an alien in that shaking body
But tonight I am the North Star, absolutely glistening
Coming into myself in an astonishing somehow
There was fallout from the ritual
When I spit that no off my tongue
I would have given you that sway you were looking for
I would have gave you something to wonder over
I would have given you a lot more than you know.
But I told you no
Just to go home and dream what would have happened if
I said yes.

I’m working to unwrap you slowly
To form you up like a theory
To create a habitat for you in my head
My steps grow wider when I see you at the end
Lying, lounging, an old lion
Afternoon sun low and tired
Rays and shadows streak the road like enveloping arms
As I grow closer, you project even further away
I just long to reach you
Rest my head against your ***** and
Sleep against your softness like a pile of feathers
To rest at last.

But at times I think I’ll never reach you,
As I approach you reflect even further away
I wonder that this road is endless, thinning into the distance
The black wires radiate into the air above me
Mutating my simple DNA into something else entirely
A sole purpose survivor, a solider
The cause is more desperate now
They’re buzzing to each other above my head, talking about me
Their scrutiny banging between my ears
The dust becomes a new layer of me, with incredible thirst
Just fields of dehydrated dandelions, just nothing

They soak up the liquid from everything
With their chemical and electrical waves
The fields are screeching as they shrivel up, like dying children
Now it’s all yellow, beige, and far away
It’s all so tiny against the horizon,
For all I know, your silhouette has become a statue by now
Just this long stripe of dirt I treat like a passageway
Just a ladder to a final place of rest
I’m desperate for a stop in my trudging motion
But I know I can’t lie down in this unworthy sand.

Thoughts in time and out of season
The Hitchhiker stood by the side of the road
And leveled his thumb
In the calm calculus of reason.

Hi. How you doin’?

I just got back into town,

L.A.

I was out in the desert for awhile

“Riders on the storm”

Yeah. In the middle of it

“Riders on the storm”

Right…

“Into this world we’re born”

Hey, listen, man, I really got a problem

“Into this world we’re thrown”

When I was out on the desert, ya know

“Like a dog without a bone
An actor out on loan”

I don’t know how to tell you

“Riders on the storm”

but, ah, I killed somebody

“There’s a killer on the road”

No…

“His brain is squirming like a toad”

It’s no big deal, ya know

I don’t think anybody will find out about it, but…

“take a long holiday”

just, ah…

“Let your children play”

this guy gave me a ride, and ah…

“If you give this man a ride”

started giving me a lot of trouble

“Sweet family will die”

and I just couldn’t take it, ya know

“Killer on the road”

And I wasted him

Yeah.