i am made of venom and sea foam and false hope -

i am a series of "connect the dots" that never really seemed to make the full picture........

i am momentarily momentous -
a monster of my craft.

i am what happens
when you take the lid off of a shaken up
bottle of coke, or some other similar generic soft drink.

i am unescapable, and
i am going to be a big deal from now on.

i am not sorry.

i am everywhere, gliding into senses, talking the way i want to, barely living, but
i am living.
i am freaking out in my very own stupid gutter.

i am never going to be the same.

i am everywhere,
everything,
and nowhere.

i started driving with my
left leg perched up on the driver's seat
again. sometimes i will sing if i feel like
it and if not, i still think about how i could crash
into anything if i really wanted, if i actually
cared to, but why bother if the song is good enough?

most of the time, the song is fine.

i'm vaguely in tune with how
my dominate foot controls the machine
now. and how i am really in control now. and how
i will no longer be the passenger in the seat,
and i will no longer allow myself to live at the
mercy of someone else’s demands now.
i think i feel okay now.

and most of the time,
the song is fine.

i do a little dance
with guilt
during the day,
and then i
let anger **** me at night.

sitting on s cameron waiting for the
light to turn,
waking up for the morning commute
just like that indie electronica group
said i would. thinking about the various
ways i’ll allow myself get taken
advantage of today.
the city smells like ****
and desperation. to be honest,
i think i fit right in.

how long does it take to drown?
tumultuous and predictable
does it hurt?
i don’t know where she begins and ends.
you’re good with kids,
but i think you’re being impulsive.
you should think about staying here.
think about the beauty,
amex black cards,
and impeding lateness.
you would think about
becoming something else.
i bet you’re going to be homeless,
or a dream that never existed,
just like a sick scam,
and then die.

which then,
means your little darling
will dissolve.

In 1948 I was twelve years old and I thought I wanted to be  
alone.

In 1948 I was sick.
At least that is what my mother told me.
She said I saw things that weren’t there.  
Like the sun in the bathroom  
at midnight. She said my little friends
in the feathered grass weren’t real.

In 1948, I think I was infected.
Sometimes I dreamed about things
I know I shouldn’t. I’m not allowed  
to talk about it. If I could, I would run away
out West. There are cornfields there. And nothing.
I think I want a whole lot of  
nothing. And corn.

In 1948 I spent the summer
In Maine with my mom
and stepfather.
I was alone most of the time
in the field. My house in the distance
spun in circles, and I dreamed  
about not being in Maine with my mom  
and stepfather.

In 1948 I was right.
Everything is real. I still have to keep my eyes open  
when I fall asleep because I know the bookshelf
Talks to me at night, the stairs  
always spiral in and out of view,  
and my friends in the grass were real.
They still speak to me  
inside my head.  

In 1948, I was twelve.  
All I wanted was to be alone.

you have to walk down the hallway
like it's an abandoned runway

(only if you want to feel better about yourself)

smile at people who
don't want to be smiled at

you have keep it together
make the bed and kiss him goodbye

you will say you're sorry even if you're not
say you mean it even if you don't

you'll pick up the clothes from the floor
put them in the washing machine
dry them fold them and stuff them
down your throat

i am happy
i think i'm in love.

i eat cheetos
he'll say i'm a slob.
i should just *******.

i am sleepy and
i'm inconsolable
i like nothing.



you're uncontrollable.

i traced the outline of the
bug bites on my knees,
while your insecurities
floated by in my memories.

it was about 100 degrees.
humid air hanging on our skin,
so freshly destroyed and
rotting out like
some kind of disease.

i traced the outline of the
stars in the sky,
tried to figure out which way
the sun would rise.
i never knew much about astronomy,
but enough to know you never
deserved an apology.

oh sweet babies,
so young and naive.
can you see the destruction?

water bottles and
screws, rusting with the
damaged and rotten

your childhood pictures in the mud,
sprawled out with memories
now they lay with the dead
and forgotten

oh sweet babies,
so tired and sweet.
climbing on tree bark
and playing in the
dark.

oh sweet babies
don't look anywhere else

hot iron,
wax, melting
inside my mouth.
tongue tastes like
a microscope. dry like
a wasteland inside my mind.

twelve o'clock
strikes at the stroke
of one, one o'clock
at the strike of two.

the train has already left.
unless it hasn't. time
doesn't move in silence.
it moves according to
the way of the cosmos.

i don't care
if you don't care
i don't mind
if you don't mind
i don't see
what's wrong
with what i might find...
if i don't find you.

where are you?
are you hiding?
are you playing with fire?
with the flower beds?
with all your friends?
are you playing dead
somewhere? should i
even say a prayer?

i don't care,
if you don't care.
where are you?


somewhere
out there.

wrapped in satin,
under a thousand rocks,
under a million rocks,
under a black, silky,
unkept bed. he sits awaiting
a resilient retriever,
discounting all of the
grievances that could ever
fill up the coal colored
sky.
graciously, she descends
from the moss ridden
earth, an organic type
of rescue only to recieve
a murky tinged breed of man.

burnt skins smells like
ashes from the chimney
during winter and the
toaster oven sighs.
so do i. my bagel is crisp,
maybe even posionious,
but i eat it anyway. like i always
do. second degree burns never
kept me from the next day.
callouses and bruises thread up
the calves of your legs. you pretend
it's not there but i know. my boyfriend
likes to come home past ten. but i know
he is always late, always exaggerating
the circumstances we like to live within,
and somehow we can never pierce it,
like artificial skin.

peach fuzz,
moss fuzz,
what is the
difference?
frosted flakes,
my back aches,
i feel like a broken
fence. tight muscles,
white knuckles,
i smell a cigarette.

when the ocean reaches
the sky, we're dreaming
of a different life. when
no one wants to die,
we're innocent and alive.
stop for a second,
breath it all in.
all we are is flesh and blood.

sticky and sweet
synthetic acai
slips off my tongue.
driving home in
oblivion,
but always ready for bed.
thank you for being my
favorite friend.

when i feel like
blood is coming
out of my ears and
the fire wont stop
inside my head
i like to think of
a place i used to go to.

flowers bloom even though
they might be called weeds
i still like to think that they
are beautiful and maybe that
i am just like one of them.

just a ****.

it smells like limes,
like salt and not pepper,
and like the ocean and like
everything that i have ever
thought was comforting.
like my father's kisses at
2am because he is going
to work his second job
and it will not be enough.
it smells like fighting. it
doesn't ever smell strong
enough for it to end. And it
never ends. It won't stop anyone
from yawing loudly in public.
It won't stop you from taking
advantage of her. It won't keep
you from being the person you
are. I think sometimes it smells
like the expressions we never
have enough courage to say
but i think that sounds cliche, too.
it smells like limes, it smells like the
illness that haunts the people in their
beds. It smells like limes. It smells like
life.

i'm going to be
the next best thing
since sliced bread.

i'm going to be
the best thing
that'd ever entered
your self centered
head.

i will think about
what you think
about.

i will be what you
think about.

when the air stops
being breathable,
i will be what you
crave,
senseless and
unachievable.

in the night i think i
am alive i think i am
swinging and swigging
from bottles and living
my life like it doesn't exist.

in the night i think i
am swimming in the
darkness. flinging on
a sad abysses. i think
i need to stop for a minute.

i just want to say
i have nothing to
say. i just want to
know how far it
takes to let my world
go. i want to be it
for you. in the night

i think i could be the right
one.

roots stick out
of the ground,
like i don't
stick out in
a crowd.

dogs are picking
up sticks,
i watch them
do their tricks
they get a good treat,
i'm alone at the park.

now i'm listening to
forensic files
in my basement.
i'm talking to walls
but they never listen.
sometimes
nothing ever makes
sense.
maybe i'm just a stick.

void diver
truck driver
apple cider
drunk driver
fibromyalgia
pirates in somalia
mitochondria
is the powerhouse of the cell

one day i will be enough for you
i tell myself i know it's true

i just want to be the girl of your dreams
sometimes i say things i don't mean
i wanna become
unwrapped and undone
i wanna become
your heavenly daydream

one day i will be ready for you
i tell myself you know how i adore you

i feel like there must be something more than
just this

when you're young you never realize
how much of it you miss

sometimes i feel like i'm lost in an abyss.

that is stupid.
and i know.

i just don't know where i'm supposed to go

close your eyes and tell me how it feels
it's okay
i feel it too
but that's how you know it's real

they were seventeen
running in reverse
running from an unnamed curse

the sideways streets
will lead us to the past

time will never last

a car crash in an alleyway
life happens so fast

they are so far away
we are so close

but we will never live that legacy

slow motion and we're walking in the sand
it sounds stupid but its not
every little sound that's comin from your mouth
goes right through my ears
right through my fingertips
right to the smile on my lips

the same song
playing over
and over
again
repeated
repeated
repeated
repeatedly
swingin in
singing in
softly
immediately
discretely
sweetly
it crawls
it creeps
it falls
into your abyss
does it even
exist

i'm going to tell you how i feel today
you didn't ask
but i'm gonna tell you anyway

i feel okay when it's wednesday night and i'm at work
i feel okay because when i'm busy it doesn't hurt

it's fine

i know he tells me i'm pretty all the time
sometimes i think it's true
but probably not

when i'm alone in this room
it feels like i'm not
i'm still trying to pretend
that i am something i am not

but i'm not

there are so many friends inside here
i like them so much
i don't know why they
all seem to disappear

somewhere behind that
old abandoned building
there's another girl singing

and she's still spinning

i've been buzzing around
like a little bee
up and down
all jittery

she says it doesn't take much
to fit in here
and then adds,
as long as you're willing to smile

at least for a while

i nod my head
and then i nod around
this is the sea of pretending
and it's pretty much
never ending

it doesn't take much to to fit in here

clearing my throat just to scream
doesn't seem like a great idea
but most of my ideas aren't that great
anyway:
i was just thinking about the time
i was just thinking about the time
i was just thinking

about suffocating on oxygen and living forever and eating spaghetti and talking to siri and learning how to ice skate and peeing in the backyard and running around barefoot and camping with strangers and listening to music and trying new things and driving on the highway and jumping from the driving board and playing hide and seek at night and talking to new people and licking the spoon and floating on the top of the world

and floating on top of the world

burns all over my body
from over-priced coffee
i'm running on E
and she needs her caffeine
don't we all?

gonna go home tonight
walk a million miles
in my own shoes
i'd do it
i'll do it for you

don't act like it doesn't matter
it doesn't matter to me at all
time is always wasted
isn't it just amazing?
all i need is a good night's sleep

don't we all

great point!
i just wished i could have figured it out myself....
you're such a smart man!
such a strong man!
what a MAN

it's so amazing
it's so entertaining
to be a little doll for you
take care of me!!!
just know i don't come for free

i'm just saying
you simply can't live without me

otters are so cute
i like to watch otter videos on my facebook
otters make me happy
i want to hug all the otters
and live with them
i wish i was an otter

something tells me that the sky doesn't just let those clouds move so fast like that for any good reason
i want the wind to ******* into next week, too
next month - maybe
next year
next life?
something tells me the birds don't just sing for the hell of it
there's gotta be someone out there listening for something they just can't hear
something tells me she's leaving town for good this time

can we just slow down for one minute?

there isn't much left to be grateful for
i think that the sun sets just to leave
i'm sorry she has to wake up again

geometry is hard to do

1+2= i like you

let's go read a book, instead

let's lay down for a few minutes and
take the clouds out of the sky

they never looked that good there in the first place
i don't think it matters anyway

all we need is blue
like your eyes
like the sky
i can't lie

give me the shapes
and i'll make
the best *******
masterpiece you've ever seen

just because you said "please"

oh and you can forget about trees
let's lay down for a few minutes
and rip them out of the ground

what's left by the time i'm done
is just you and me

i am not the sun
i am not a son
i am tired of trying
to be someone

are you tired?

are you tired?


my eyes are always closed
the sky
is always dark

i know you
never miss me
the most

there are no more stars in the sky

i almost called you today
but i didn't
i guess the moon never had much to say anyway

i wanna smell like
cigarettes
i wanna smell like
gloom
i wanna smell like
cigarettes
i wanna smell like you

i don't wanna be a little girl
i wanna be unseen
i  don't wanna be in between
i just wanna be your dream

something tells me
not to do it
when your eye are in my view
so instead just watch me pass
right on
through

i don't know you anymore
but i used to
i don't know how you
say her name
but i think about it
more than i'd like to

you can’t just
crash into me
like i’m a
****** tree

now
these child-like hands
grasp for something
tangible
when all i ever wanted
was someone
understanable

just watch me run away
i know you’d love to
see me evaporate

when i first started driving
my mom told me i was
too inexperienced
to enjoy the scenery

now i'm in my 20s
and all i think about
is the scenery

and

how easy it could be
to crash into any tree

ummmmm
like????
what do people even
do when they've got
their lives together???

like???
what is it like
to not always feel
under the weather???

i slept for like twenty hours today
that's one less hour
than my age

everyone i talk to about this
says it's "Just A Stage"

well i don't know about that...
honestly i don't really know
anything

i just want to feel


something

i just want some pizza
a thick crust,
nothing much..
something i can
really dig my teeth
into

but i know,
i shouldn't
and probably
wouldn't...
want to punish myself
i just feel compelled

i will just stay in
and eat a salad
instead