Each day new cracks appear,
My image though distorted,
Reminds me were both still here.

The total futility of life and its end  is unfightable,
The only perfect form is fluid,
Proper posture to avoid catastrophe is complete relaxation,
Be the corpse before rigormortis.

I cant articulate my thoughts the way I used to be able to.
My brains connections have swapped from word obsessions to ambience and aesthetic obsession,
Certain patterns and flowers and shades and tiny parts of really large scale beautiful things.
My brain is no longer the same wordsmith,
Forge raging night and day as with each disruptive bang he straightens red hot words into sentences with which to turn to blades to rend his foes and cut his binds,
Now he is a word weaver,
One who sits silently at times, piddling with the different threads in frustration,
And at times feeling the path the words would like to be drawn down and around each other, forming pictures from the fragments with the dreamlike ease similar that of a stingray gliding across a glittering moonlit seabed in search of treasure he dropped while chasing the moon.
But words,
No matter the arrangement arranger or arrangement process,
Can fall short of the pure raw power to make someone feel the way a sunset can or the glistening blur of running water.

y

The total futility of life and its end  is unfightable,
The only perfect form is fluid,
Proper posture to avoid catastrophe is complete relaxation,
Be the corpse before rigormortis.

I just want the same thing as everybody my age,
I want out out of this place,
My hometown feels like a cage,
That my spirit is in
But I'm convinced the keys disguised as a pen,
I'm trynna make this music make this money carry my family and friends make these dummies see the light and make the movement begin
This our planet as earthlings
were aware of the damage but somehow we do worse things,
Power plants get hit by tsunamis and you think that won't hurt things,
On our coast?

an ant,

Lured into a pitcher plant by the sweetest scent,

Drowning in the unexpected excess,

Bathed and enveloped by bliss.

It pains me to say so honest,

You've come to the same sudden and shocking conclusion as the rest,

No matter the amount of love you have for me,

I am ****.

I still remember days as sweet as sunset snowballs,

warm summer air on our skin,

A Vance Joy CD on the radio.

Those days feel like a dream now.

A story someone told me,

or a book I read in middle school,

where the sun cant reach tehre are things light couldnt create the beauty of so darkness had its way with evolution,
those things know more than we about the warmth of frigid water and we more than they about the suns loving embrace, but I dont long to feel the sun lap at my closed eylids, nor do I long to taste the suns radiation like the oceans salt and nor do I prefer any sensation but her touch to that of the oceans and never will I find an embrace as widely accepting as the waters

A door I slammed and sent accross the sea,
I told it,
"Lock yourself I never want to open you again"
Now I fumble around in the dark corner where it used to be for the doorknob.
A flower I found and picked, not thinking far enough ahead to realize that if I truly appreciated its beauty I wouldnt pick it but let it blossom. Even wilted and withered ive never found another like it.
A bump in the road on someones ride home from work that they didnt even notice as they sang their favorite radio songs.

Most nights I dont have to wish for her to keep me warm,
my blankets embrace me just as softly but they dont squeeze my ribs the same.
One time my grandfather told me when I was really young that a woman can never be  anything less than everything shes supposed to be, and that if its your woman your job is to see that through. I like to think if maybe I could rewind time about 3 years and somehow manipulate all 3 of our timelines enough that you would get to meet him and hear his laugh, or get a nickname from him and be able to tell me if my hugs feel like his cause ive never felt safer than those moments.
I never wanted to take you from your family and I feel each day they like me less and I like you more.
Marriage is a weird concept to me and ive never been sure if its what I want, its no fear of commitment or fear of missing out on anything but it just seems silly to me. non essential even.
I dont know but I know that standing in the doorway to my bathroom and looking her in the eyes as my breaths matched hers Ive never been more positive of who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with,
of who I want to watch our friends grow old with,
of who I want to argue over song lyrics with ( and lose ) forever,
of who I want to be the one I trust with the things im afraid of telling myself,
of the one whos poison I would drink if the last words I heard were
"I love you b"
Ive never been happier to be called disgusting by anyone than when they refer to the unreasonable amount of attachment and affection we have for each other,
I have NEVER cried more over anyone other than my grandfather and thats because ive never met anyone more monumentally important in my life I like to think my grandfather would be so proud of the woman you are, someone with a voice and soul, someone with  a warm heart filled with cold winters and the same unrestful home life he knew I had and tried to sing me through with songs and nicknames, I can never know the struggles you had, I can never feel your pain or rub away the scars, but I just want to make you smile and hear you sing, I just want to kick it in Australia with a blunt in my mouth while I watch you dip your toes in the sea and know your love is just as expansive, nobody gets to decide who they need in their life, as I dig this hole with each smiling shovel of dirt she pushes a little back in, sneakily slowing my progress and saving my soul there is nothing greedy about my love but encompassing is an all to applicable adjective
tell your father im sorry his little girl isnt home every night anymore, and tell your mom im sorry that im the reason you guys dont hang out,
tell your niece im sorry i keep randomly showing up and asking her weird questions,
tell your cat to keep your bed warm for me cause I know you tend to feel ghost chills in the absence of your best friends curls,
tell your baggage theres tons of room in my closet,
tell your Ex's that they are history, not to be forgotten and their impact is forever but their opinions are irrelevant,
I dont know why im so dependant on you, or ****, or the ******* sunsets in the sky but there hasnt been a day when death hasnt seemed easier, but there also hasnt been a day when I have felt ready to give any of this up and I want you to know that there is nothing on this god ****** planet I wont do to make sure youre safe,
do you remember when I walked to your house just to read words to you from a dictionary?
I think back to ten months ago and smile at the way things were,
the best parts of our memories shine the brightest and the stresses of our day to days stay hidden behind the rays of good memories, the stresses of today will soon be eclipsed by good memories,
dont let the whispers in your mind tear at your heart and Ill do my best to silence mine,
there will be doubts and there will be struggles but never doubt that my grandfather blessed me with the strength to help you become everything you are meant to be and ill be here till the day we figure out the afterlife,
and if you figure it out before me im not saying ill last a month or a week even but ill do my damndest to make sure people know about your curls and skin and voice and mind,
I never want to live a day i cant tell you about,
I never want to see the world without the sound of your laugh filling the wind in my ears,
I never want to take a breath you couldnt breathe and if I ever have to I might just break.
tonight I wish she was here to keep me warm,

Looking bsck its like a dream,
So many sunsets,
So many blunt wraps,
So many moments taken for granted I could write 5 books with the memories that slipped through the cracks.
All I think I want is to read that book

The location has changed,
Ive seen it before,
There no mirrors here,
The suns Glare in my eyes every direction I turn is stirring panic in my heels.

What a drop,
To fall from this height what a drop indeed,
To fall from up here would be foolish.
Mortal, perhaps.
As just before u splat u remember exists those imaginary boot straps,
And that knot you learned in 1st grade way after everyone else,

And those wings you grew yourself.

You flapped those little wings in formation with your mother and brothers goose by your side till one day by some miracle you stood on one foot per day and danced a Macarena around a cage of crawfish.

I think that somewhere in our past there is something tying us together, maybe you were my wife in the holocaust and as we were ripped apart one final time in front of the auchwitz gates I shouted "WEAR WHITE SHOES SO I KNOW ITS YOU",
Or maybe even better,
Maybe you were english royalty and I an irish farmer and every day id see you on my way to market and offer you a smile that you still remember.
Maybe when the atoms that make us up came together they couldnt all fit into one body, so they decided two bodies in different places with unique experiences that can come together to strengthen each other and help each other grow is the ideal use of their conundrum.
But maybe im just rambling....