This is a place I am not alone
Wind whistles and I do not cry
as time floods through the overgrown grass
that envelopes my naked knees

I stand on this hill
Poised for love to paint me
in to its folds of memories
and eternally weeping hold

Now is my time to live
to enter the ranks of those
who walk each day with
the confidence to exist softly

I built a home within
this ever bleeding heart that
will always exist for you
my long lost love I will never know

You are my stranger fixed
on a point in time I can't find
The one I can never meet is
the one I will always love

So I am planted with these roots
that happily search the soil
for a purchase to grow from
as I wait above for everything

Life is a prowler in the night
It steals from you and scares you
so you cannot sleep or breath when
you know that it is there

The splendor of existence
pains the wearer as we
grow but cannot shed
the cloak we hath been swathed in  

We wish to change
calamity to kindness
poverty to prosperity
a broken mask for simple powder

Picked for us
is the robe we bear
from birth till  death
we must remain how we are

Lest we can find
the switch in life
that provides one with the opportunity
to be all we dream of being

We wear what fits the changing
tides that remain the same
the metaphors of life
forever remains inside us

I love you until I break
With passion and with tears
I will hold you until I crumble
I will mask you without fears

I need you until I am gone
the lasting throb of the heart
A pain that can't help remember
The bitter sting of part

I revel in the love we hold
I worship its existence
I last to make us last as one
The love will be  persistent

I empty out my darkened heart
to make room for your light
I clean out all the cobwebs now
that go without a fight

I love you until I break
for I know it will be soon
I need you when at last I reach
the breath that seals my doom

I tire of the games played
by lonely hearts and broken minds
I wish to enter a peaceful place
where our love is nothing more
then a closed one sealed away
from the world so that no power
could interrupt us as we make our life
We will be a solid love

I long for the adventure
the taste of your lips
the venture of your skin
the abandonment of your ecstasy

I need for your touch
be it sensual or friendly
to be in your arms is the greatest pleasure
your eyes the most beautiful reward

I crave all that you are
each stolen glance brings me pain
a beautiful pain full of need
That of which I feel nothing else

I think on you often
The rough lilt of your  voice
The penetrating quality of your stare
I adore your idiosyncratic personality

I lust after your need
It is a beautiful thing
when you tell me you need me
I almost believe you

I wallow in the shame of a want so deep
I accept my desire
I tell you silently of it each day
I need you to hear me as I inwardly shout

I love you

The pain is gentle enough to love
a sweet surrender to the existence
of heaven and  hell as they collide
inside of this broken lust

I urge the empty away with thoughts
that capture you in full
Thoughts of your eyes and
of the glint they hold

Secretly ****** and confident
of what they represent
I fell for those eyes so long ago
and finally I allow them to work

I let the need rush through my soul
I feel your name dance on my tongue
I love the pain of wanting you
I need for the existence of this sin

I wish for a time
when fire and ice can feel
this collision and
live through it

I wish for their survival
so they may know
the ecstasy felt in a match so wrong
It ends all that they are.

I'm here because i'm hurting
I'm here because i'm sick
I'm here because i'm dying
From things they can't predict

I'm here because they need me
I'm here because of their plight
I'm here because I am the demon
who keeps them up at night

I'm here because the world is broken
it's bent  beyond repair
I'm here because all hope has gone
To those who've had it fair

I'm here because, if they fix me
I will be here no more
I'm here because each day we wake
Our muscle aching sore

I'm here because time wears on
I'm here because my heart beats
In unison with that clock
That beats till we both cease

I'm here because we're hurting
I'm here because we're sick
I'm here because we're dying
Just listening to the tick

I think what I need
is for you to not need me
If i didn't feel like you needed me
I could think for myself

These pages are stars
that burn blue as I write
Your eyes are black
with lust and the strain of the night
and you
you are feverish
coupled with an itch
to stretch and bend
to shake the dusts hand
then grab for what you want

I went to my doctor yesterday
I filled out the forms
Did  the questionnaire
And smiled
Because I felt better!
Not good,
But so much better than my first visit
My mum was upset
Because I still feel suicidal
But I told her it's less than before
And I smiled
Because I felt better
Then the doctor came in
Asked how I felt
And I told her I felt better
She frowned at me
And said thats not true
The forms say i'm still a mess
She told me my meds need to stay how they are
For at least another six months
Maybe stronger than now
But we would check later
And she reminded me
I'm not better

I could be your soul
and I know why we should
cuddle beneath the stars
because it feels right
and even if just for the night
let me be your soul

Dostoevsky
you feed my nerves
and delight my mind
I think for you
inspire me so
I am not an insect
nor man
for I am no fool
I acknowledge I am nothing
and delight in that fact
I can exist like a scholar
if my only goal
is just to be
Dostoevsky
I am underground

I had to **** us
if I hadn't we
would have suffocated
underneath our masks

I wish I loved you
how I should have
you were everything
I wanted to want

I wish I was ready
for everything you gave me
you were the best I could dream of
but I guess I don't want perfect

I want horrible pain
I want ecstasy and passion
I want a gin swirling romance
scented with cigarette smoke

Or maybe I should be alone
I don't understand how
love works since
I couldn't feel how you felt

I'm sorry my first love
You changed me, you made me
you broke me, you kissed me
with a passion that scared me lifeless

signs
they're real
they're always there
nothing is a coincidence
I miss you
I call
you've moved on
without guilt
you don't miss me
and thats okay
because you deserve everything good in this world
you deserve to be happy
but it still stings to know
i'm just a phonecall
thats my sign
to get over you
get over myself
move on
stop crying like some stupid little girl
who had her favorite toy taken
move on
******* it
why can't I move on
it's because you're still real
still here in my mind
but for you,
no matter what you say,
science proves it
i'm just a phone call

I find peace in rain drops
I wish to be like them
after they fall they bring life
and life brings hope

hope is all i'm hoping to be

Oh God
I can't breath
I won't eat
I wanna scream
I wanna die
bleeding out
I wanna cut myself in to pieces
crashing down
tying  knots
writing notes
bleeding out
I wanna cut myself in to pieces

I don't think i've ever
so passionately wanted for
a touch
and a kiss
as much as I want for yours
because each moment with you
makes my teen heart beat faster and faster
and I can't help
but to explore myself with your name on my tongue
and to fantasize about your fingers replacing mine
I want your whispers in my ear
and your hands tracing each curve of my body
I need your lips on every inch of me
and you to love the way I arch in to your touch
Please forget to mind your maners
and make inhibitaion a thing of the past
and show me every ***** little secret you have

Promise me you will never stop holding on
be it to life or love or the great perhaps
never let go
Because the worst pain known to man
grows from the void of nothing
and I can't watch you hurt
because I love you in infinite bounds
that will never be matched
except by the love you can offer
once you love yourself

I will lay red
with three letters
in one syllable
list fast and harsh the
lines as follows
dark bore from my soul
inadvertently so
eventually creating the vertical

Sweet bird
Fly away
Don't fall for my tricks

Sweet bird
Fly away
Deny the sway of my hips

Sweet bird
Please believe me
I'm not the girl you want

Sweet bird
It's to late
The turn of my hips
The bounce of my breast
The stretch of my legs
The green of my bedroom eyes
And my sweet ****** flirtation
Has caught you  

And all that you see
Sweet bird
Will **** you like the rest

So there is this girl
whom I have never met
but she is beautiful
and I love her
for all I have made her in my mind
I have seen her picture
felt her soul
heard the words I wish she would say to me
God she is beautiful
and I want her
with every fiber of my being
I want her

Could I ***** us up more?
Doubtful my love
Seeing as you haven't noticed, i'll let you know;
I don't know what i'm doing

It's been seven or so months
Three break downs
one breakup
and one day where we got back together

I broke when we broke
I cried for you and for me
but for different reasons
I cried for me because I hurt you and you because you hurt

I only cried once for missing you
I felt it
I ate the feeling whole
But i only let it leave me once

So what does that mean
it means you should hate me
before I ***** us up worse
because, seeing as you haven't noticed, I am a bad girl for you.

I'll break your heart with the words I say
the honest ones that you hate
The ones that tell you we're so **** young
and the future is so far away

When I tell you i'm scared of long distance because,
lets face it, how will that work?
I'll see you once a month maybe while you're at college
with girls and boys who will want you

And I want you to want them so what does that say?
Should I think that while i'm your girlfriend?
I just want you happy and healthy and fulfilled
and I don't know how I can do that for you

Remember when we got back together?
The stipulation of it all?
You would wait for me to catch up to you
but i think you forgot about that

Or maybe it was a miscommunication
You thought those few days we weren't together
helped me to grow and prepare myself
for what you want as your eternity.  

But I don't want the same as you want for us
I want to pass my AP US History exam
and get a high A in math
and I would like to spend time with my best friend who hates you

And you want us to live happily ever after
but that vague notion isn't enough
it needs to be a plan, written out
a plan that sounds sweet but poisoned us once.

And if it comes back why do you think
it won't be poison again?
I can see you bringing it back to us now
trusting it all so blindly.

I love you my dear as far as i'm aware
though I have been told several times over
that what I feel is not love
i'm not even near to it yet

So if that is true, let me restate it;
I care for you the most that I can
the most I have ever
and the most I will for a while

I hope that is enough for you
because deities know I want you to be happy
And you say I make you the happiest you have ever been
so instead of letting that scare me, I will try to be flattered.

I guess
I should lay down
when I get dizzy
instead of standing in my pink room
and twirling more and more
until everything
save for Freddie
goes away
and I believe his words

I don't want to stop at all

I do believe
I have fallen
For the idea of you
You girl of words
And nothing more

I want to
give up
and give in
exhale
and inhale
you in
I want you
I've wanted you
I said it was my stranger
but I don't believe that anymore
Now it's real
and you,
It's you
I don't care anymore
if it could work
or not
I know you don't want to
Because it's complicated
And you would feel guilty
but God
we should
Should do what
I don't know
all I know
All I want
is your lips
on mine
on me
until we have to pull away
Because honey bunch,
you are sweet like sugar

I have something for you
something ugly that you deserve
my fist your face
that sounds about right
Because honey I forgive
but ***** I don't forget

What the hell is it?
Someone please tell me why I feel so empty
Why is there a hole in my chest?

is it me
is it him
is it you

Probably you
because you don't love me
no matter what

you can't love me
despite my best efforts
you wont need me

And isn't that just ****.

Get out your silver bullets
stab my heart with a stake
chase me dawn with a pitchfork
crush me till my bones break
because try as I may
I can't drown in my tears
but what I can ****
are these knots with me fears
And the pills to my lips
all crash to the ground
and each of these guns
are all out of rounds
Call me an anomaly
and laugh as I cry
because despite my best efforts
I'm the girl who can't die

I feel it creeping
the urge to bleed
to drink scotch
to wear tight leather pants
and tee shirts or ripped tops
or some dress that leaves little to the imagination
with a corset and a garter underneath
matched with towering heels or thigh high boots
I want to skip town
to kiss new men and ladies
to rouge my lips and cheeks
to cut my hair short
or grow it so long
to cut my arms deep
and buy a motorcycle
and date a guy who smokes
who swirls gin
who always takes charge
has no problem making decisions
and outwardly looks down on me
who calls me young and naive
and loves me that way
and says i'm sexier for my innocence and youth
and is much older
and flaunts that he could leave
who pulls my hair hard
and picks me up with ease
and kisses my neck
with smoke rich on his tongue
and likes me better in flats so he can feel even taller and stronger
and who keeps an arm around me when we go out
so that everyone knows i'm his girl
and loves to kiss me on the subway and relishes in the looks we get
and looks at other women
But he loves me
and knows what i'm worth
even if he wont say it
he needs to miss me when I leave him
when I skip town again
he will miss my voice
my kisses
the sweet words I use
my laugh
my body
the way I move
what I do when the lights are out
and how he let out some ****** deviant from within me
And the simplicity of my love you's
how nothing in our relationship was a show
I want to break outwardly
to make these mistakes
to stop clinging so much
to the past
to ideals of true love
to my virginity
and everything i'm told to want
I want to wear black instead of pastels
and bleach my hair white
and make the boys want me
for once, let them want me
I feel the urge creeping  
but instead I will stay home
slippers on my feet
Earl Grey in my hands
record scratching out some Fleetwood
with my sweet flowery clothing clinging to nothing
I'll do my yoga
clean my room
and finish all my homework
I'll call my boyfriend who loves me dearly
who I think I love, though others tell me that is not so
because I want for a different life
though I deny that he needs to become my life
I'll write some poem about human nature
and tell my perfect boyfriend not to smoke
I won't tell him how hot smoking is
I will spend time with my parents
do some more yoga
take my anti depressants
do the exercises my therapist told me to do  
and wish I could change my life

I recall an infinite moment closing in upon the shelter
where upon you grabbed me with loose fists that couldn't find their purchase
I was lost unto that gropping crowd who found my body welcoming
though I guarded and I voiclessly screeched the hands continued their searching
But for what were they searching, for invitation and enjoyment?
No, wandering hands want only for the challenge they are provided
I would never welcome their grip, I would sooner cut them at the wrist before I relented
I was lost through that year in the sea of searching hands
the ones who long only for the pain they can provide
But exactly a year on from the start you found me
With stronger fists you beat the slimy hands away from me whereupon they turned to dust
And I, for the moment, was free

I found a poem from you
tucked between two books on my shelf
I don't remember putting it there
but there it was
your penmanship marked the envelope
and it was titled
This Belongs to You
And I smiled as I read it
for how cliche it was
how simple the rhyme scheme
and overused the lines were
at the bottom was a note from you
declaring your never ending love
and how your heart would always be mine
The last thing it said was that
you would never hurt me
and you don't know how much that made me laugh
because you did hurt me
in every intimate way you knew you could
every word you knew never to say to me
you screamed
when I asked you to stop you just kept going
but thats nothing new since you never understood what no meant
you laughed at me when you heard my voice catch
and you said you were happy I was crying
since you could never smile when I did
you called me unstable
and you certainly made me feel it
I nearly killed myself that night
when you said you told him I was a worthless ****
and that he told you he would never go near me again
and that he never acually cared about me
I was within a fraction of death
and the only thing that stopped me
was knowing that it was what you wanted me to do
you made things personal  babe
so let me reiterate the last words I ever said to you
*******

I bought some leather pants today
pleather, to be exact
they were cheep, but what I wanted
They fit tight on my legs and loose on my hips
they cling to my nonexistent ****
and make me feel **** for the first time in my life
and  somehow they make me feel rebellious
and less invisible
If I wear them to school tomorrow will they all stare?
I hope so
I need someone to notice me

For ***** sake it's early
I don't know who half these people are
okay now we're hugging have I met you before
stop looking at my *****
stop it
eyes up Neanderthals
this is stupid so many young people
are they annoying or am I just cynical
probably a happy mix of the two
am I the oldest person in here what is this
If it starts raining while i'm outside I will cry
and now it's raining
Oh more hugs
seriously who are you people
Econeconeconecon oh that girl hates me I hope she isn't in my class
She is
and so is my brothers ex who hates me
and she is staring at me like I am the **** of the earth
econeconecon wait what?
I don't like econ take me home
why have I done this to myself?
And there is the stress
ohgod song stuck in my head
go away
well it's a good song at least
I'M SINKING LIKE A STONE IN THE SEA!
I wonder if anyone in here listens to nice music
maybe I should try to make a friend
I should make more friends since most people are still angry at me
or I could sit here and hope they all go away
I like that plan
Okay now trig and there is BEST FRIEND HI BEST FRIEND SAVE ME FROM THESE PEOPLE
The **** do you mean we learned this in algebra
yup i'm skrewed might as well just die now
wait is that kid Italian
he is Italian from Italy what is happening hello
I want to listen to him talk shut up trig I just want to listen to Italy over there
he is smiling at me oh jesus take the wheel
he is probably just amuzed by my extreme level of paleness wait nope he is looking at my *****
done with you Italy go away
trigtrigrigtrig
WHYYYYYYYY GOD, SHOW YOUR HAND
and time for lit
I need sleep or coffee or death
litlitlitlitlit oh this is fun wait that girl hates me doesn't she
yup i'm **** again
I just want to go home
and I really want to play pokemon why do I want to play so bad nope no bad theme song go away no you stop it right now- POKEMON! YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND IN A WORLD WE MUST DEFEND
Why can't I be a wizard
Is that the bell
yay school

This is one of those days
where I know i'm dying
and that there is a blade in my drawer
I just couldn't throw away
that coud help to speed up the process
Someone asked me how I am so happy all the time
they said they wish they could be more like me
and god that makes me feel so guilty
like i've somehow made a standard in someones life
that what I am is happy
but they can never attain what I am
because i'm a fake smile
and one more bad day away from dying
because
of all the things screaming at me in my head
the only ones I clearly hear
are the ones telling me to do it

I don't much feel like being a person today
I would rather fall in to the pit
then put in the effort to dig myself out of it
I'm far to exhausted to give a ****

I feel immensely alone and utterly empty
it seems all people wish to evade me though
they have indeed spoken to me all day
I'm stuck in a state of dreaming

Today I feel like playing pretend. I am thin, happy,
on stage, loved, people wish to see me and call
my name as I pass, in awe of my magnificence
I radiate confidence and kindness as I glide through life

But none of this seems to be true
I am living life in this dream that turns nightmarish
when another wakes me from my conscious mind
and I am forced to enter that empty place

That empty place inhibited by the rest
by those who live life for the sake of living
who laugh and cry for beauty, truth, and love
while I weep for myself and my pitiful existence

If only I believed at least one of them could understand
the state of living half dead and half asleep
I don't allow myself to except them as they are
They are people who I take the opportunity from

I don't give them the chance to know me, though who
is to say they would like such a chance? They deny
me the gift of living by their existence
they confound and terrify me in a way that causes me to float

I hover above life, never engaging in it.
Why shouldn't' I take a final plunge, i'm always two seconds
from that rattling bottle, that rope, that gun.
Why not reach for it and hold it lovingly like they hold their lives?

I welcome the thought of death in my conscious mind and
subconscious alike. Should I be struck down I would not weep
for my body or soul. I would instead thank the opportunity
to  break away from this mindset without the fault on myself

So why don't I go home and gather up all the pills
find a sturdy rope in the garage and a tall chair
lock the door to my room, tie a knot, swallow the liquor, wait ten minutes
and jump.

I think I might just  do that.

I spent
all night
crying over you

I wept
until the
pain started killing

I could
not cry
any more tears

Everything broke
time froze
while I died

All the cars turn right
before they can complete
the thought they have formed in my mind

We are the worlds children
with glitter on our face
who scream to be noticed
then are shoved down to "our place"

Hated for the love we give
by those who live in fear
We try not to cry in front of those
who we can manage to keep near

Life mocks us as we break the fall
of those who feel as we do
We yell for all the world to hear
The world who we have lied to

Rights are denied to us
as is so often said
The right that I wish to enjoy most
Is the right to clear my head

Fear so often permeats the place
where I should be at ease
My dreams have been stolen from me
By those who think the tease

But never for a moment would
I wish to change who I am
All I wish is to one day be wed
be it to a woman or a man

I JUST CAN'T DO THIS
I AM SO FRUSTRATED
I DON'T KNOW HOW TO EXPRESS IT
I AM SO STRESSED THAT I FEEL THAT **** PIT IN MY CHEST
I CAN'T BREATH ANYMORE
FOR ***** SAKE I STARTED HYPERVENTILATING WHEN I GOT BACK MY MATH QUIZ
I'M SOBBING OVER MY ASSIGNMENTS FOR ECON AND FOR TRIG
AND I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY I'M CRYING
I KNOW I'M LONELY AND I KNOW I'M STRESSED BUT THATS NOT IT
I THINK IT'S BECAUSE I'M SO **** FRUSTRATED WITH MYSELF
I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE
SO IF SOMEONE WANTS TO COME TO MY HOUSE
AND HOLD ME WHILE I CRY
ALL I HAVE TO SAY IS
please

I broke again dear
my heart is falling apart
because I hurt you

I think i've gotten it back
my power
my strut
the sway of my hips
and sharp lines of my looks
have returned to me
just because of tonight
tonight was fantastic
my knuckles bled from the strength behing my punches
my core ached from holding technique so firmly
I saw stars with each kick
and it was amazing
but above all else
I  am  **back

I think of you each night
How silly of me
To breath deeply in the memories
Enough to get me high
And as I float in disbelief
I crash in to my wonderwall
Did you hope that I would crash?
Did you know that I would burn?
With want and need
And with the prideful shame
Of knowing I could make you feel
Did you know each time I read your words
I sit down just to breath
To ease away the feelings
That want to ruin our cotton flirtation
But cotton burns
And i'm setting it on fire
With my strategy of crash and burn
Because I will wish away the pain of time
And I will cry for our circumstance
But I will never appologize for wanting you