Wish I may
wish I might
be the dream
you dream tonight
while I cry
over thoughts of you
not  fully formed
not ever through
I hope the lights
are gifts from you
but they turn before
the gift comes through
I can't count the times
I spent the night
wishing you were here
but instead I fight
the demons laying
by my side
who grew from wishes
I can't hide
you know i'm yours
and you made me fear
that you would forget
i'm waiting here
and fears come true
tonight it seems
that forgetting me
wasn't a dark dream
so wish I may
wish I might
be the dream
you remember tonight

All the cars turn right
before they can complete
the thought they have formed in my mind

signs
they're real
they're always there
nothing is a coincidence
I miss you
I call
you've moved on
without guilt
you don't miss me
and thats okay
because you deserve everything good in this world
you deserve to be happy
but it still stings to know
i'm just a phonecall
thats my sign
to get over you
get over myself
move on
stop crying like some stupid little girl
who had her favorite toy taken
move on
******* it
why can't I move on
it's because you're still real
still here in my mind
but for you,
no matter what you say,
science proves it
i'm just a phone call

Dostoevsky
you feed my nerves
and delight my mind
I think for you
inspire me so
I am not an insect
nor man
for I am no fool
I acknowledge I am nothing
and delight in that fact
I can exist like a scholar
if my only goal
is just to be
Dostoevsky
I am underground

my blood is blue ink
not black not red
but blue
free flowing ink
that needs to be
splattered
upon the page
its lust for paper burns its casing
that does not show its full majesty
blue ink flows freely through my veins
and I wish to let it go

I will lay red
with three letters
in one syllable
list fast and harsh the
lines as follows
dark bore from my soul
inadvertently so
eventually creating the vertical

It is the summer that burns my heart
so pure
a virgins soul clean of touch
but a soiled heart broken and used
so artisticaly done
and willingly accepted
the memories of touches past
seer  upon my mind far beyond
the words on the page
the look of pure ink

Your angel kiss is my muse
your lips my ground to
grow from
my roots have planted with your own
you are my own
and I your willing
willing repeat
willing constituent
willing sea
willing
to wait
to kiss your wounds
and lap at your words that have captured my devotion
you are my story
the shape of my nerves
I feel you in each breath
you are my own and I wish
for nothing more

I found a poem from you
tucked between two books on my shelf
I don't remember putting it there
but there it was
your penmanship marked the envelope
and it was titled
This Belongs to You
And I smiled as I read it
for how cliche it was
how simple the rhyme scheme
and overused the lines were
at the bottom was a note from you
declaring your never ending love
and how your heart would always be mine
The last thing it said was that
you would never hurt me
and you don't know how much that made me laugh
because you did hurt me
in every intimate way you knew you could
every word you knew never to say to me
you screamed
when I asked you to stop you just kept going
but thats nothing new since you never understood what no meant
you laughed at me when you heard my voice catch
and you said you were happy I was crying
since you could never smile when I did
you called me unstable
and you certainly made me feel it
I nearly killed myself that night
when you said you told him I was a worthless ****
and that he told you he would never go near me again
and that he never acually cared about me
I was within a fraction of death
and the only thing that stopped me
was knowing that it was what you wanted me to do
you made things personal  babe
so let me reiterate the last words I ever said to you
*******

I think i've gotten it back
my power
my strut
the sway of my hips
and sharp lines of my looks
have returned to me
just because of tonight
tonight was fantastic
my knuckles bled from the strength behing my punches
my core ached from holding technique so firmly
I saw stars with each kick
and it was amazing
but above all else
I  am  **back

I JUST CAN'T DO THIS
I AM SO FRUSTRATED
I DON'T KNOW HOW TO EXPRESS IT
I AM SO STRESSED THAT I FEEL THAT **** PIT IN MY CHEST
I CAN'T BREATH ANYMORE
FOR ***** SAKE I STARTED HYPERVENTILATING WHEN I GOT BACK MY MATH QUIZ
I'M SOBBING OVER MY ASSIGNMENTS FOR ECON AND FOR TRIG
AND I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY I'M CRYING
I KNOW I'M LONELY AND I KNOW I'M STRESSED BUT THATS NOT IT
I THINK IT'S BECAUSE I'M SO **** FRUSTRATED WITH MYSELF
I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE
SO IF SOMEONE WANTS TO COME TO MY HOUSE
AND HOLD ME WHILE I CRY
ALL I HAVE TO SAY IS
please

This is one of those days
where I know i'm dying
and that there is a blade in my drawer
I just couldn't throw away
that coud help to speed up the process
Someone asked me how I am so happy all the time
they said they wish they could be more like me
and god that makes me feel so guilty
like i've somehow made a standard in someones life
that what I am is happy
but they can never attain what I am
because i'm a fake smile
and one more bad day away from dying
because
of all the things screaming at me in my head
the only ones I clearly hear
are the ones telling me to do it

I sometimes forget what it is
that I don't like about school
there is the stress
and the people
and the early hours
and sleepless nights for homework
but I can live with that
what it is that I don't like
is that it stops my creativity
and holds words in my head
since all day I have to sensor my
speech
thoughts
actions
laughs
and even my smiles
thats what I don't like about school
it stops me from being a poet

For ***** sake it's early
I don't know who half these people are
okay now we're hugging have I met you before
stop looking at my *****
stop it
eyes up Neanderthals
this is stupid so many young people
are they annoying or am I just cynical
probably a happy mix of the two
am I the oldest person in here what is this
If it starts raining while i'm outside I will cry
and now it's raining
Oh more hugs
seriously who are you people
Econeconeconecon oh that girl hates me I hope she isn't in my class
She is
and so is my brothers ex who hates me
and she is staring at me like I am the **** of the earth
econeconecon wait what?
I don't like econ take me home
why have I done this to myself?
And there is the stress
ohgod song stuck in my head
go away
well it's a good song at least
I'M SINKING LIKE A STONE IN THE SEA!
I wonder if anyone in here listens to nice music
maybe I should try to make a friend
I should make more friends since most people are still angry at me
or I could sit here and hope they all go away
I like that plan
Okay now trig and there is BEST FRIEND HI BEST FRIEND SAVE ME FROM THESE PEOPLE
The **** do you mean we learned this in algebra
yup i'm skrewed might as well just die now
wait is that kid Italian
he is Italian from Italy what is happening hello
I want to listen to him talk shut up trig I just want to listen to Italy over there
he is smiling at me oh jesus take the wheel
he is probably just amuzed by my extreme level of paleness wait nope he is looking at my *****
done with you Italy go away
trigtrigrigtrig
WHYYYYYYYY GOD, SHOW YOUR HAND
and time for lit
I need sleep or coffee or death
litlitlitlitlit oh this is fun wait that girl hates me doesn't she
yup i'm **** again
I just want to go home
and I really want to play pokemon why do I want to play so bad nope no bad theme song go away no you stop it right now- POKEMON! YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND IN A WORLD WE MUST DEFEND
Why can't I be a wizard
Is that the bell
yay school

I find peace in rain drops
I wish to be like them
after they fall they bring life
and life brings hope

hope is all i'm hoping to be

I am not good at breathing
everything I see catches in my throat
and causes anxiety to hold my air
i've always been like that
but it's been worse these last few years
until I met you and I swear something cleared
Until I talked to you and I had to worry again
because you
you were perfect and how could I breathe when I had to replay what I had said to you that day
and let my mistakes keep me up all night
breathing is not important when I have thoughts to think
and cringes to feel
and tears to cry
and worries to have
and lists to make
and
and
and
and
and
stop
I stopped talking because you were in love and that is fine
because I was too worried about finals to remember that I even had feelings
so I forgot about you and had the worst summer of my life
as my scars can attest to
and I worried more that summer
about meaningless things than I ever have
I worried so much that I was thrown in to therapy and given pills to swallow
my head cleared but my chest still ached with that pit thats also a knot
Then I met someone and we were fine
but he never understood my kind of crazy and didn't like
how my hands would shake so much I couldn't hold his hand
and how I constantly pulled on the neckless he gave me until it eventually broke
and even after it broke I would scratch at where it hung because that helped me somehow
and how I couldn't kiss him goodbye if I was wearing lipstick because if it smudged oh god
and that I always looked down when I talked to him
and
and
and
and
and
and
and
stop
so we broke up and that's fine because I was never right for him
and things were quiet for a bit
then you
you told me you liked me and I swear I held my breath until you kissed me

and when you pulled away
I could breathe
there were no "and's"
and I wasn't fine I was wonderful
but then you had to leave for school
and I waited for my breath to catch
and bad lists to start
and it happened for a minute
but then I could breathe wonderfully again
because even though you left I still feel happy to have had you
even if it was just for a few weeks
you kissed me
and I believed you when you said nice things
and I could hold your hand
and look at you when I spoke
and I wasn't scared
and had no vices
and I didn't have to stop my lists because they were good lists
for the first time in my life
I could breathe

I read maps
like story books holding a premonition
each line is a road I will travel
for I will know this world
as I have known my own mind
in my way
this world will become my own
I will hold it within my soul
so that when I die I will have seen all
and known each being to their core

You are a fluid definition of a reinvented word
in a reinvented world
you were my one that got away
then skinny love
always wonderwall
and now you're away again
you're my full circle drawn with a shaking hand
that couldn't connect the start to the end
we were always a broken wind up that was worth the tick during the song
we started broken now we're here
with something real that would have been beautiful
if the timing were different
But it was worth the pain
and I will miss you forever
because you're my sun
and i'm your moon
you light me up so bright

so have a grand time but please keep me in the stars
because if you ever want me
i'll likely be looking at them
wishing I could be there with you

In this brand new world
with brand new rules
of passion play and war crimes
treaties blind trust
and kisses rake the coals
to stir up a flame in a once civil tongue
and that flame can burn but not to the nerves
only to leave scar on my memories and opinions
of you and you
you are gone from my mind once I finish this poem
because you are not worth the reaction in my blood
but you are worth the time it took to write these lines
because it's only kind to say goodbye
So goodbye and be safe
but never call me again

The Scientist makes sense
because this isn't easy
and I am not ready for you to go
so take us back

you're not even gone yet
but you are already haunting me
through the waisted years
when we should have been as we are now

but I know that isn't true
now is perfect because we are finally who we need to be
not to be right for each other
but to just be right

Is it wrong for me to wish
for more time to kiss your lips
and hold your hand
and just to talk
because I love your voice
and the things you say
make me impossibly happy
you make me so **** happy

maybe it's right that you are leaving
maybe i'm just some filler and your perfect girl is waiting for you
and this is exactly what is supposed to happen
or maybe this is karma
finding it's way back to me
In my past lives I must have been the most despicable of beings
because loosing you just when things feel wonderful
is the worst punishment i've yet endured

I want all of the years back
I want them exactly the same
I just want to watch them over
because I need more time with you
I want to see you for the first time
because I don't even remember meeting you
you were just there
and you haven't been gone from my thoughts since
I want the fresh sting of my freshman year
when I was just some weird girl who couldn't say anything right
I want the end of that year
when I cried because I knew you wouldn't talk to me all summer
because you were in love and I was still strange
I want to remember that kind of pining
the kind that was all what ifs and imagination
I want that moment when we became friends
and nothing more
I want to remember what it was like to just be your friend
but I don't want to linger there
and I want that night when you told me you liked me
so I can feel that jolt run through me once more
And God I want today
I want it to never end
I want you with me, kissing me
and telling me everything is real
I want it all back and I never want to forget

no one ever said it would be this hard
please take me back to the start

I feel artistic tonight
meaning a mess
I feel like a true poet
who knows of tie dye emotions;
heartbreak within passion
and sorrow for missing someone I haven't lost
well, yet

I thank the universe each night for the stars
because I know you will always be under them
at the exact moment i find myself
laying awake beneath them
wishing you were here to share my blanket
but no
I would hate for you to see me crying

I think of you each night
How silly of me
To breath deeply in the memories
Enough to get me high
And as I float in disbelief
I crash in to my wonderwall
Did you hope that I would crash?
Did you know that I would burn?
With want and need
And with the prideful shame
Of knowing I could make you feel
Did you know each time I read your words
I sit down just to breath
To ease away the feelings
That want to ruin our cotton flirtation
But cotton burns
And i'm setting it on fire
With my strategy of crash and burn
Because I will wish away the pain of time
And I will cry for our circumstance
But I will never appologize for wanting you

I don't think i've ever
so passionately wanted for
a touch
and a kiss
as much as I want for yours
because each moment with you
makes my teen heart beat faster and faster
and I can't help
but to explore myself with your name on my tongue
and to fantasize about your fingers replacing mine
I want your whispers in my ear
and your hands tracing each curve of my body
I need your lips on every inch of me
and you to love the way I arch in to your touch
Please forget to mind your maners
and make inhibitaion a thing of the past
and show me every ***** little secret you have

I stood nearly naked in my yard this morning
facing the woods I let the world become me
and I felt it all
wind whipping my hair in to knots
grass tickling my knees
sun pouring unto my canvas skin
I breathed in all that is
was
and can ever be
it was infinite
and so powerful
I closed my eyes
and allowed my senses to guide me to the end of the earth
upon finding it
the universe grabbed my hand roughly
pulling me in to it's welcoming arms
and kissed me fiercely
then pushed me away
only to pull me in once more

I thought you were holding me last night
when I woke up full of heat
I felt an arm draped over me
and a body pressed against mine
and I smiled
thinking my dream had come true
and in the four am haze
I let myself fall asleep
smiling in to my pillow
when I woke up that morning
I no longer felt you
but saw a head of tousled black hair
I frowned remembering that you were not there
couldn't be there
but smiled remembering the pretend feeling
of waking up with an arm around me
that could one day be yours

Your kisses were perfect
a mix between sweet pecks that I smile for
and rough passion so raw that I shiver wonderfully at the memory
the line your mouth traced brought gasps to my own
and each bite soothed by a kiss left a mark that I adore
though i've dreamt of the specifics
and thought endlessly of your lips
nothing could prepare me for how wonderful
you and your kisses are
and your hands
they are perfect
in their wandering way
each touch sent a heat wave through my body
and it was all I could do not to moan rather obscenely
and you
you called me beautiful
and looked in to my eyes
and smiled
and flirted
and held my hand
and ran your fingers through my awful hair
and you made me feel
wonderful

I dreamt of your lips
on mine
all along my body
you kissed wild fire
that burnt me to my core
and your hands
in my hair and
on my thighs
and everywhere between
they were pallet and brush
my body your canvas
and darling
you can paint

I woke up in a fort
with war ringing in my ears
and blood kissing at my feet
begging me to let it go
but i have signed my treaty
with the friendly line
who swore war upon my demons
and
though it may be thicker
ink is better than blood

I have something for you
something ugly that you deserve
my fist your face
that sounds about right
Because honey I forgive
but ***** I don't forget

I could be your soul
and I know why we should
cuddle beneath the stars
because it feels right
and even if just for the night
let me be your soul

These pages are stars
that burn blue as I write
Your eyes are black
with lust and the strain of the night
and you
you are feverish
coupled with an itch
to stretch and bend
to shake the dusts hand
then grab for what you want

I like to play pretend
and when I play under the stars
you are next to me
passing a cigerrete and singing
with me and to me
and it's beautiful
lets not forget our selfish kisses
and poetic commentary
and i'll never forget
the way you make me smile
Oh, and here is the best part
we're naked

I'm here
I just thought I should let you know
since you don't care enough to check up on me
and isn't that perfect
when you are the only one I want to see me
before I die
what am I saying
I don't want to scare you
i'm not dying in any way that would effect you
so you don't have to worry about anything
I'm just killing myself a million times over
in my own mind
so it wont bother you
there wont be any mess to clean up
except for the one inside me
and darling it's a party in there
and i'm the death of it

Get out your silver bullets
stab my heart with a stake
chase me dawn with a pitchfork
crush me till my bones break
because try as I may
I can't drown in my tears
but what I can ****
are these knots with me fears
And the pills to my lips
all crash to the ground
and each of these guns
are all out of rounds
Call me an anomaly
and laugh as I cry
because despite my best efforts
I'm the girl who can't die

Oh my
I know you want me
i'm such a pretty mess
a painted doll with bright green eyes
and cuts that you can mend
I bat my eyes so cutely
when i'm trying not to cry
I turn my head and you grab me
Still in poised and in my dress

and what you see's not what you get

Because i'm no prize my dear
and I fall down when I cry
because my body shakes so horribly
and i'll always ask you why
why you care about my health my mind
and why you care to look at me
when my eyes are red and swollen
and i'm trying not to bleed
My lipstick smears away
across my face and on my hands
I will push you I will fight you
ball my fists up and i'll scream
till you can't stand the thought of me
and I slump down in defeat
because i'm no doll and I don't play
i'm just a little mess
a formerly pretty girl with scars on her legs
and sweetie
scars don't mend

I'm so sorry
my heart won't beat
it's fallen deep inside
And how are you?
With your whole pieces
Not shattered or broken
No you're fine
And some days I think
I'm dying
and God knows i'm trying
not to cry
But why wouldn't I
when you're so **** perfect
with your bright eyes
and simple words
and body that he wants
So don't look my way
don't mind my fall
you're perfect how you are
don't cry for me
when I die
just lay a flower down
And kiss him for me

I don't know what it is
that I am referring to
but the only words I remember to say are
I
Can't

If his was mine
but mine not his
because it was yours
and yours was your own
but now yours is shared
and his is closed
and she wants yours
and I want none
but need for one
than who wants mine
not him
not her
not you

You say you can't want me
Because you have trouble breathing
When your head is under water
And it's your own hand pushing you under
I knew it all before
and I didn't expect much
but then you called me beautiful
why would you call me beautiful?
And **** I think you're beautiful

Oh God
I can't breath
I won't eat
I wanna scream
I wanna die
bleeding out
I wanna cut myself in to pieces
crashing down
tying  knots
writing notes
bleeding out
I wanna cut myself in to pieces

I want to
give up
and give in
exhale
and inhale
you in
I want you
I've wanted you
I said it was my stranger
but I don't believe that anymore
Now it's real
and you,
It's you
I don't care anymore
if it could work
or not
I know you don't want to
Because it's complicated
And you would feel guilty
but God
we should
Should do what
I don't know
all I know
All I want
is your lips
on mine
on me
until we have to pull away
Because honey bunch,
you are sweet like sugar

Sweet bird
Fly away
Don't fall for my tricks

Sweet bird
Fly away
Deny the sway of my hips

Sweet bird
Please believe me
I'm not the girl you want

Sweet bird
It's to late
The turn of my hips
The bounce of my breast
The stretch of my legs
The green of my bedroom eyes
And my sweet ****** flirtation
Has caught you  

And all that you see
Sweet bird
Will **** you like the rest

This bed is empty
Save for the pillow
I hold close to me
Oh god,
Is this lonliness?
I miss you
How strange
Considering I have never,
And will never
Have you
You told me so
That you could never want me
You would hate to need me
And above all else
You'll never love me
But you know who will?
This pillow
That I hold close to me.

Come on skinny love, just tell me so
I'm waiting here and all the world,
they seem to know

My dearest friend just hold me close tonight
Sleep neath the moon far from the world
Until we see the light

If you don't mind i'll share this night with you
this night and those forever to come
as those in love will do

And this love I thought you would dismiss
prove me wrong and in this moment, finally
let us share a kiss

Four AM words fall the easiest
no inhibition with the drunken night
just urges to act on and cuts to mend
It's easy to slip in to the four AM patter
where everything is *** and self loathing
and above all else it is poetry
not for the pure at heart
or those comfortable in life
day time is for them
Four AM is for broken hearts
and broken skin
for insomniacs
and maniacs
for the music
and for me

I went to my doctor yesterday
I filled out the forms
Did  the questionnaire
And smiled
Because I felt better!
Not good,
But so much better than my first visit
My mum was upset
Because I still feel suicidal
But I told her it's less than before
And I smiled
Because I felt better
Then the doctor came in
Asked how I felt
And I told her I felt better
She frowned at me
And said thats not true
The forms say i'm still a mess
She told me my meds need to stay how they are
For at least another six months
Maybe stronger than now
But we would check later
And she reminded me
I'm not better

Why hold he hilt of your swords as if
poised
to strike, to blow
To live in that anticipation is a faulty life

man
upon the precipice of greatness will always turn
always falter
for the hand upon the hilt holds tighter then it's counterpart feathering the treaty

The brand upon your hat shows nothing but the fact that you
man
are among the masked
shown is your ideals of what goodness is but hidden is your role
are you significant
as each man must be
or are you no man at all
are you but a child playing the only game you know?

You are a prowler nonetheless
in the corridors of someones mind you
crowd their visage with your own
you
who favors the sword to the treaty you
are one of the decisions given power
to create more
or to **** it off with a rise of your hand

Catch me i'm
F
  A
      L
        L
          I
            N
               G
Help me I'm
B
  L
    E
      E
        D
          I
            N
              G
Stop me i'm
D
  Y
    I
     N
        G

I need you
Doctor
i'm a sad little girl with a crack in my wall
but i'm no Amy
I haven't got the guts
or the fire
i'm just scared
and I need you
Doctor
i've a dull life
missing something fantastic
but i'm no Rose
I could never make you
or anyone
love me
but I need you,
Doctor
to come and make me feel grand
to stop me hurting and hating myself
make me your Donna but
never let me forget
how beautiful you are
and I need you,
Doctor
to come save the day
but i'm no Martha
i'm not brave enough to walk away

my name is Devon
I need my Doctor
to come whisk me away
from this place that hurts
I need you to hold me
and save the day

Please,
Doctor

I'm on fire my love
every inch of me burns
with the ***** mix of emotions filling me
And blurring me
The sky is on fire my love
it's falling down on me
are you watching this
or am I the only one that can see it
I know it's falling
but I guess thats just me
My bed is on fire
while I write this poem
my tears would sizzle on to my grey quilt
if I had tears left to cry
My hair is on fire
the natural red of it has enhanced itself
it's unearthly and magical and beautiful
and I appreciate this singular beauty
while blood pools round me
and soaks my bed
my blood is on fire love
and I set it free