I guess
I should lay down
when I get dizzy
instead of standing in my pink room
and twirling more and more
until everything
save for Freddie
goes away
and I believe his words

I don't want to stop at all

I do believe
I have fallen
For the idea of you
You girl of words
And nothing more

I decided to be Whitman
but somehow turned small
and closed myself off
I started writing of myself, not the world
I grew nervous of having my work read
I preferred to die in ambiguity
rather than face judgement
Let my works grow from these roots
upon my final breath
Somewhere along the line
I became Dickinson

Is it odd I miss her
though I do not know
who she is
how she is she
and why she is her

I recall an infinite moment closing in upon the shelter
where upon you grabbed me with loose fists that couldn't find their purchase
I was lost unto that gropping crowd who found my body welcoming
though I guarded and I voiclessly screeched the hands continued their searching
But for what were they searching, for invitation and enjoyment?
No, wandering hands want only for the challenge they are provided
I would never welcome their grip, I would sooner cut them at the wrist before I relented
I was lost through that year in the sea of searching hands
the ones who long only for the pain they can provide
But exactly a year on from the start you found me
With stronger fists you beat the slimy hands away from me whereupon they turned to dust
And I, for the moment, was free

let me live with your laughter
ne'er to far from my ears
Let me wipe away silently
all of your fears
let me live in a world
with your love pulling fast
at the chords of my heart
that alleviate pains of the past
Let me love you freely
so that you love me too
For I could never let go
of the love for you thats due

Promise me you will never stop holding on
be it to life or love or the great perhaps
never let go
Because the worst pain known to man
grows from the void of nothing
and I can't watch you hurt
because I love you in infinite bounds
that will never be matched
except by the love you can offer
once you love yourself

If it makes you less sad i'll **** myself now
why prolong it when I seem to hurt you with each breath
for what follows my inhaling is words and that is what pains you
because, as you said, I have no compassion

I know I'm awful and how dare I think otherwise
I will get bad again if it makes you better I will do that for you
anything for you my best friend because I do love you
though you think me stupid I am smart enough to know love

But not compassion, that thing you said I have none of
no compassion to speak of, just knives wielded upon you
just knives wielded myself
just knives wielded upon all
  
What can I do to say I'm sorry
should I always answer yes to all you ask of me
should I just not speak anymore
Would that make you less sad?

I just want you to feel good and I thought I was helping
I thought I was making you better by telling you what bad is
but it just made you very angry at me and now we're fighting
I should've known better than to try to tell you something

I am very sorry that I am so stupid
it must be such a burden for you, having me near
my stupidity clogging your pores
I am sorry I can't express myself without hurting you

So if it makes you less sad i'll take those pills now
nobody will stop me so why don't I
You would feel so much better without me
It could be so easy so why don't I

I wrote you a poem
how silly is that
since I know you will never read it
But it's for you
it spells your name between the lines
It breathes you in
and exhales my want

I was getting some coffee today when I saw you
this man who stared at me in such a way that I cringed
you frightened me sir, with the way you licked your lips
I could see you do so sir, I also saw the way your eyes raked my body
You were on the other side of the thin street, the side I needed to cross to.
I waited for you to move, but you did nothing
You just kept staring at me

I bought some leather pants today
pleather, to be exact
they were cheep, but what I wanted
They fit tight on my legs and loose on my hips
they cling to my nonexistent ****
and make me feel **** for the first time in my life
and  somehow they make me feel rebellious
and less invisible
If I wear them to school tomorrow will they all stare?
I hope so
I need someone to notice me

So there is this girl
whom I have never met
but she is beautiful
and I love her
for all I have made her in my mind
I have seen her picture
felt her soul
heard the words I wish she would say to me
God she is beautiful
and I want her
with every fiber of my being
I want her

Could I ***** us up more?
Doubtful my love
Seeing as you haven't noticed, i'll let you know;
I don't know what i'm doing

It's been seven or so months
Three break downs
one breakup
and one day where we got back together

I broke when we broke
I cried for you and for me
but for different reasons
I cried for me because I hurt you and you because you hurt

I only cried once for missing you
I felt it
I ate the feeling whole
But i only let it leave me once

So what does that mean
it means you should hate me
before I ***** us up worse
because, seeing as you haven't noticed, I am a bad girl for you.

I'll break your heart with the words I say
the honest ones that you hate
The ones that tell you we're so **** young
and the future is so far away

When I tell you i'm scared of long distance because,
lets face it, how will that work?
I'll see you once a month maybe while you're at college
with girls and boys who will want you

And I want you to want them so what does that say?
Should I think that while i'm your girlfriend?
I just want you happy and healthy and fulfilled
and I don't know how I can do that for you

Remember when we got back together?
The stipulation of it all?
You would wait for me to catch up to you
but i think you forgot about that

Or maybe it was a miscommunication
You thought those few days we weren't together
helped me to grow and prepare myself
for what you want as your eternity.  

But I don't want the same as you want for us
I want to pass my AP US History exam
and get a high A in math
and I would like to spend time with my best friend who hates you

And you want us to live happily ever after
but that vague notion isn't enough
it needs to be a plan, written out
a plan that sounds sweet but poisoned us once.

And if it comes back why do you think
it won't be poison again?
I can see you bringing it back to us now
trusting it all so blindly.

I love you my dear as far as i'm aware
though I have been told several times over
that what I feel is not love
i'm not even near to it yet

So if that is true, let me restate it;
I care for you the most that I can
the most I have ever
and the most I will for a while

I hope that is enough for you
because deities know I want you to be happy
And you say I make you the happiest you have ever been
so instead of letting that scare me, I will try to be flattered.

I think what I need
is for you to not need me
If i didn't feel like you needed me
I could think for myself

What the hell is it?
Someone please tell me why I feel so empty
Why is there a hole in my chest?

is it me
is it him
is it you

Probably you
because you don't love me
no matter what

you can't love me
despite my best efforts
you wont need me

And isn't that just ****.

I feel it creeping
the urge to bleed
to drink scotch
to wear tight leather pants
and tee shirts or ripped tops
or some dress that leaves little to the imagination
with a corset and a garter underneath
matched with towering heels or thigh high boots
I want to skip town
to kiss new men and ladies
to rouge my lips and cheeks
to cut my hair short
or grow it so long
to cut my arms deep
and buy a motorcycle
and date a guy who smokes
who swirls gin
who always takes charge
has no problem making decisions
and outwardly looks down on me
who calls me young and naive
and loves me that way
and says i'm sexier for my innocence and youth
and is much older
and flaunts that he could leave
who pulls my hair hard
and picks me up with ease
and kisses my neck
with smoke rich on his tongue
and likes me better in flats so he can feel even taller and stronger
and who keeps an arm around me when we go out
so that everyone knows i'm his girl
and loves to kiss me on the subway and relishes in the looks we get
and looks at other women
But he loves me
and knows what i'm worth
even if he wont say it
he needs to miss me when I leave him
when I skip town again
he will miss my voice
my kisses
the sweet words I use
my laugh
my body
the way I move
what I do when the lights are out
and how he let out some ****** deviant from within me
And the simplicity of my love you's
how nothing in our relationship was a show
I want to break outwardly
to make these mistakes
to stop clinging so much
to the past
to ideals of true love
to my virginity
and everything i'm told to want
I want to wear black instead of pastels
and bleach my hair white
and make the boys want me
for once, let them want me
I feel the urge creeping  
but instead I will stay home
slippers on my feet
Earl Grey in my hands
record scratching out some Fleetwood
with my sweet flowery clothing clinging to nothing
I'll do my yoga
clean my room
and finish all my homework
I'll call my boyfriend who loves me dearly
who I think I love, though others tell me that is not so
because I want for a different life
though I deny that he needs to become my life
I'll write some poem about human nature
and tell my perfect boyfriend not to smoke
I won't tell him how hot smoking is
I will spend time with my parents
do some more yoga
take my anti depressants
do the exercises my therapist told me to do  
and wish I could change my life

I feel it tonight
All of the empty touches
From memories gone to rest

He thinks that I am fine
that fine is not code
that the pills could go away
that the therapist is a waste
that my time is not limited
He thinks I do not
exist in beats of two
two seconds from bleeding
two seconds from wanting
two seconds from falling
two seconds from dying
always two seconds from something

If I could catch myself
save my tears from heaving
from racking my chest about
I would kiss you
With a passion so deep
it is not in the kiss
but in my eyes.
The green fades as
the black spreads
showing off my lust.
The lust I would feel
if I could manage
to kiss you

What of your love is it
that causes angst to contort
round my chest as I
wander through the pityous chambers of life

And I, upon the fall
of night and Usher alike, I
can't help but to think
on the one who loves me not

I don't much feel like being a person today
I would rather fall in to the pit
then put in the effort to dig myself out of it
I'm far to exhausted to give a ****

I feel immensely alone and utterly empty
it seems all people wish to evade me though
they have indeed spoken to me all day
I'm stuck in a state of dreaming

Today I feel like playing pretend. I am thin, happy,
on stage, loved, people wish to see me and call
my name as I pass, in awe of my magnificence
I radiate confidence and kindness as I glide through life

But none of this seems to be true
I am living life in this dream that turns nightmarish
when another wakes me from my conscious mind
and I am forced to enter that empty place

That empty place inhibited by the rest
by those who live life for the sake of living
who laugh and cry for beauty, truth, and love
while I weep for myself and my pitiful existence

If only I believed at least one of them could understand
the state of living half dead and half asleep
I don't allow myself to except them as they are
They are people who I take the opportunity from

I don't give them the chance to know me, though who
is to say they would like such a chance? They deny
me the gift of living by their existence
they confound and terrify me in a way that causes me to float

I hover above life, never engaging in it.
Why shouldn't' I take a final plunge, i'm always two seconds
from that rattling bottle, that rope, that gun.
Why not reach for it and hold it lovingly like they hold their lives?

I welcome the thought of death in my conscious mind and
subconscious alike. Should I be struck down I would not weep
for my body or soul. I would instead thank the opportunity
to  break away from this mindset without the fault on myself

So why don't I go home and gather up all the pills
find a sturdy rope in the garage and a tall chair
lock the door to my room, tie a knot, swallow the liquor, wait ten minutes
and jump.

I think I might just  do that.

This is a place I am not alone
Wind whistles and I do not cry
as time floods through the overgrown grass
that envelopes my naked knees

I stand on this hill
Poised for love to paint me
in to its folds of memories
and eternally weeping hold

Now is my time to live
to enter the ranks of those
who walk each day with
the confidence to exist softly

I built a home within
this ever bleeding heart that
will always exist for you
my long lost love I will never know

You are my stranger fixed
on a point in time I can't find
The one I can never meet is
the one I will always love

So I am planted with these roots
that happily search the soil
for a purchase to grow from
as I wait above for everything

The rain pangs loudly
against my window as I
cry in time with it

The splendor of existence
pains the wearer as we
grow but cannot shed
the cloak we hath been swathed in  

We wish to change
calamity to kindness
poverty to prosperity
a broken mask for simple powder

Picked for us
is the robe we bear
from birth till  death
we must remain how we are

Lest we can find
the switch in life
that provides one with the opportunity
to be all we dream of being

We wear what fits the changing
tides that remain the same
the metaphors of life
forever remains inside us

I had to **** us
if I hadn't we
would have suffocated
underneath our masks

I wish I loved you
how I should have
you were everything
I wanted to want

I wish I was ready
for everything you gave me
you were the best I could dream of
but I guess I don't want perfect

I want horrible pain
I want ecstasy and passion
I want a gin swirling romance
scented with cigarette smoke

Or maybe I should be alone
I don't understand how
love works since
I couldn't feel how you felt

I'm sorry my first love
You changed me, you made me
you broke me, you kissed me
with a passion that scared me lifeless

I spent
all night
crying over you

I wept
until the
pain started killing

I could
not cry
any more tears

Everything broke
time froze
while I died

I broke again dear
my heart is falling apart
because I hurt you

I am not sad today
how wonderful is that?
I don't feel a pit inside my chest
my eyes are dry for all to see

I smiled today
at strangers passing by
I laughed without force
I didn't hate myself

Today was pleasant
I love saying that
I didn't want to die tody
I am not sad today

I support you hypocritically
call you handsome
tell you you are wonderful
apologize for the pain I can't stop

I love you so much
it hurts when you break
for reasons so pointless
the same reasons that make me cry

I say the cuts on your arm
are okay this time
but please don't do it again
I can taste the urge we both feel

I hold you so close
scared to let go
In vain I try to fix you
by holding you even tighter

It kills me when you cry
when your arms bleed
when you hurt
because you and I broke the same

I love you so much
I know you will never read this
but I wish you knew
how much I love you

I want bones to flaunt
hip bones
colar bone
cheek bones
ribs
I want the world to see me
thin
happy elagant
beautiful
so unlike myself.

I hate lying to you
You mean the world
I don't deserve you
you're good

You ask how I am
it is so hard to answer
My words choke me
I say i'm fine

It would **** you
if I told you how
I cry almost every night
trying to learn to be

I can't imagine life without you
but how is this fair for you?
I'm a mess but you love me
so you must not know whats wrong

Nobody could love me
if they understood
I scare myself with my problems
Why don't I scare you?

I love you
please hate me
so I don't break you
like me

I need to start closing my eyes
to all the worthelessness that is me
It's exhausting to hate yourself
More than you love to live.

We are meant for more
not just wanderers
we are destined to move with a purpose

How we run has a pattern
yet to be discovered
Our intentions are unknown to our own souls

Nothing is aimless
all we do has a great purpose
that of which I do not know.

Life is a prowler in the night
It steals from you and scares you
so you cannot sleep or breath when
you know that it is there

The fact that there are so many
people in this world
hurts

They fill each corner of the street
They move about so
messily

How can there be so many when
I am only one
How

They live their lives so differently from
how I live my
own

They seem reckless and so fortunate with
closed eyes and different
souls

I don't understand how there can be
so many people unlike
me

I tire of the games played
by lonely hearts and broken minds
I wish to enter a peaceful place
where our love is nothing more
then a closed one sealed away
from the world so that no power
could interrupt us as we make our life
We will be a solid love

I'm here because i'm hurting
I'm here because i'm sick
I'm here because i'm dying
From things they can't predict

I'm here because they need me
I'm here because of their plight
I'm here because I am the demon
who keeps them up at night

I'm here because the world is broken
it's bent  beyond repair
I'm here because all hope has gone
To those who've had it fair

I'm here because, if they fix me
I will be here no more
I'm here because each day we wake
Our muscle aching sore

I'm here because time wears on
I'm here because my heart beats
In unison with that clock
That beats till we both cease

I'm here because we're hurting
I'm here because we're sick
I'm here because we're dying
Just listening to the tick

We are the worlds children
with glitter on our face
who scream to be noticed
then are shoved down to "our place"

Hated for the love we give
by those who live in fear
We try not to cry in front of those
who we can manage to keep near

Life mocks us as we break the fall
of those who feel as we do
We yell for all the world to hear
The world who we have lied to

Rights are denied to us
as is so often said
The right that I wish to enjoy most
Is the right to clear my head

Fear so often permeats the place
where I should be at ease
My dreams have been stolen from me
By those who think the tease

But never for a moment would
I wish to change who I am
All I wish is to one day be wed
be it to a woman or a man

The pain is gentle enough to love
a sweet surrender to the existence
of heaven and  hell as they collide
inside of this broken lust

I urge the empty away with thoughts
that capture you in full
Thoughts of your eyes and
of the glint they hold

Secretly ****** and confident
of what they represent
I fell for those eyes so long ago
and finally I allow them to work

I let the need rush through my soul
I feel your name dance on my tongue
I love the pain of wanting you
I need for the existence of this sin

I wish for a time
when fire and ice can feel
this collision and
live through it

I wish for their survival
so they may know
the ecstasy felt in a match so wrong
It ends all that they are.

Ill matched by all is the disappointment
Coursing through your heart you close
Your eyes to the world
Begging a silent forgiveness

You wish for a change
Your love sick heart can feel no more
Lest you wish to throw it all
To the waiting abyss

And what is the state of this aforementioned nothing?
It is yearning
It is lonely
It is nothing

In your emptiness you feel as that black hole does
Wishing to bring all in
But when at last you grasp something
It dies

If I have to break, let it be quietly
Let me turn from it all, without a mention
Until I am gone, don't speak of me
A selfless break will bring the long awaited peace

If I have to break, let me vanish
For years to come I am a phantom
A shadow of the abyss
An empty memory to those who broke the doll

If I have to break, let me be on stage
A stage of my creation
That empty stage with a spotlight
An empty theatre to compleat the scene

If I have to break, let it be painless
Yes, there is fear
A fear of the something, of feeling
A case not visible where I have been

If I have to break, let the world remember me fondly
Let them smile on my memory
As the years pass
Let them cry

If I have to break, let it be soon.

I love you until I break
With passion and with tears
I will hold you until I crumble
I will mask you without fears

I need you until I am gone
the lasting throb of the heart
A pain that can't help remember
The bitter sting of part

I revel in the love we hold
I worship its existence
I last to make us last as one
The love will be  persistent

I empty out my darkened heart
to make room for your light
I clean out all the cobwebs now
that go without a fight

I love you until I break
for I know it will be soon
I need you when at last I reach
the breath that seals my doom

I long for the adventure
the taste of your lips
the venture of your skin
the abandonment of your ecstasy

I need for your touch
be it sensual or friendly
to be in your arms is the greatest pleasure
your eyes the most beautiful reward

I crave all that you are
each stolen glance brings me pain
a beautiful pain full of need
That of which I feel nothing else

I think on you often
The rough lilt of your  voice
The penetrating quality of your stare
I adore your idiosyncratic personality

I lust after your need
It is a beautiful thing
when you tell me you need me
I almost believe you

I wallow in the shame of a want so deep
I accept my desire
I tell you silently of it each day
I need you to hear me as I inwardly shout

I love you